Intimacy issues - not his fault

[Nickel Speed]

You're assuming she is leaving him over a medical issue over which he has no control. But she's not. You assumed incorrectly. I was giving examples of how people who are good people choose not to be romantically involved with other people because of medical issues (like fertility) not within their control.

 

I never assumed she was leaving him. She said it was a medical issue. High estrogen. Her doctor said the same. So tell me again where I assumed?

[maew]

I think... because... we both have a stigma to "treatment" and "meds". I've been on them for a lot of my adult life and I hate it. I'm still ashamed of it. And he has gone through all of this to try to improve his health - sexually and otherwise - that if we decide to go the Viagra route, it'll mean we've failed all the other methods we've tried.

 

Thank you for this post. I needed to hear it.

 

No need to be ashamed OP it’s such a wasted emotion! Don’t let fear and shame stand in the way of you both experiencing each other fully... you are in a loving and trusting relationship with this man it’s the perfect opportunity to overcome your stigma and find freedom in expressing your love the way you want.

[Nickel Speed]

Sex IS one of our basic needs as humans my friend. And yes you do have to be a heterosexual woman to understand the importance of P in V sex for a woman.

 

I'd like you to tell a monk or a nun that they will die without sex. Should be a funny conversation.

 

I won't address your second comment about needing to be a heterosexual woman to understand sex, because that is ignorant.

 

 

You could argue intimacy is a psychological need in a relationship, but a P in a V isn't the only way to be intimate. Try again.

[Seraphim]

I think... because... we both have a stigma to "treatment" and "meds". I've been on them for a lot of my adult life and I hate it. I'm still ashamed of it. And he has gone through all of this to try to improve his health - sexually and otherwise - that if we decide to go the Viagra route, it'll mean we've failed all the other methods we've tried.

 

Thank you for this post. I needed to hear it.

 

I have known you a long time. Honey it is NOT failure to need meds. You both want to be functional, right?

[reinventmyself]

I'd like you to tell a monk or a nun that they will die without sex. Should be a funny conversation.

 

I won't address your second comment about needing to be a heterosexual woman to understand sex, because that is ignorant.

 

 

You could argue intimacy is a psychological need in a relationship, but a P in a V isn't the only way to be intimate. Try again.

 

This is how you feel. That's fine.

But it's neither gospel or fact.

Just an opinion, that's all.

[Seraphim]

My husband and I no longer have sex, because 1. Being post menopause for me means ZERO interest in it. I mean ZERO. He has been on SSRI’s for 20 years and can’t get it you know ..so why drive ourselves insane over it. We both know we adore and love each other.

 

I understand your struggle though because in my 30’s it drove me INSANE that he couldn’t , but alas here we are.

[abitbroken]

I'd like you to tell a monk or a nun that they will die without sex. Should be a funny conversation.

 

I won't address your second comment about needing to be a heterosexual woman to understand sex, because that is ignorant.

 

 

You could argue intimacy is a psychological need in a relationship, but a P in a V isn't the only way to be intimate. Try again.

 

A monk or a nun has taken a vow of celibacy as a conscious choice and that choice has been fully vetted and there are years of discernment prior. It cannot be equated to this situation at all.

[Seraphim]

Absolutely........

A monk or a nun has taken a vow of celibacy as a conscious choice and that choice has been fully vetted and there are years of discernment prior. It cannot be equated to this situation at all.

[Nickel Speed]

This is how you feel. That's fine.

But it's neither gospel or fact.

Just an opinion, that's all.

 

 

It is a fact that you can and will live without putting a p in your v. People do every day. Nuns, Lesbians, the disabeled, the elderly. You won't die or suffer greatly from it. It is not a need. It is a want. It isn't an opinion. It is a proven fact.

[katrina1980]

I don't think he's being selfish. He's going to urology appointments every 3 months, getting blood tests, taking his meds faithfully on time.

 

 

I think... because... we both have a stigma to "treatment" and "meds".

 

Ok, I'm a bit confused re his (and your) issue w Viagra.

 

On one hand you say he takes his meds faithfully but then you say you're both against Viagra because you have a stigma against taking meds?

 

Since he's getting treatment (taking meds faithfully as per your above quote), then why on earth won't he take Viagra?

 

The only stigma is the one you're creating, plus who needs to know but the two of you?

 

Viagra is as common now as condoms, men in the 20s and early 30s with high libidos are using to "enhance" the sexual experience.

 

Seems like Viagra would solve the issue, so I'm not quite getting your rationale, can you clarify your two opposing statements above?

[Nickel Speed]

A monk or a nun has taken a vow of celibacy as a conscious choice and that choice has been fully vetted and there are years of discernment prior. It cannot be equated to this situation at all.

 

You are taking my statement out of context and spinning it.

 

Will you die without a penis? If you say yes, I'm going to laugh.

[maew]

I'd like you to tell a monk or a nun that they will die without sex. Should be a funny conversation.

 

I won't address your second comment about needing to be a heterosexual woman to understand sex, because that is ignorant.

 

 

You could argue intimacy is a psychological need in a relationship, but a P in a V isn't the only way to be intimate. Try again.

 

You are reading into my post. I said it’s a basic human need... yes we can survive without it but thriving doesn’t happen unless a person is so devoted to their spiritual practice that they get all of their needs met that way.

 

And I said you have to be a heterosexual woman to truly understand the needs of one.

 

The OP is not a nun, monk, or lesbian so I am not sure how that argument applies here...

[Jibralta]

I think we're in one of those situations where one person is making another person's thread their personal soap box and the OP's actual issue is not being addressed as a result. Now it's an argument as to whether her issue is valid or not.

 

Bizarre.

[Hollyj]

A monk or a nun has taken a vow of celibacy as a conscious choice and that choice has been fully vetted and there are years of discernment prior. It cannot be equated to this situation at all.

 

This was silly to equate to the OP's situation.

[HeartGoesOn]

Mod Note...Please stay on topic, and avoid arguing with the opinion of other members.

[bluecastle]

I think we're in one of those situations where one person is making another person's thread their personal soap box and the OP's actual issue is not being addressed as a result. Now it's an argument as to whether her issue is valid or not.

 

Bizarre.

 

Agreed, and why I bowed out.

 

Hopefully we steer things back, as this OP is of great value to the site and I think there’s a great discussion unfolding amidst the catfight that could be of value to her and her situation.

[WithLove]

Ok, I'm a bit confused re his (and your) issue w Viagra.

 

On one hand you say he takes his meds faithfully but then you say you're both against Viagra because you have a stigma against taking meds?

 

Since he's getting treatment (taking meds faithfully as per your above quote), then why on earth won't he take Viagra?

 

The only stigma is the one you're creating, plus who needs to know but the two of you?

 

Viagra is as common now as condoms, men in the 20s and early 30s with high libidos are using to "enhance" the sexual experience.

 

Seems like Viagra would solve the issue, so I'm not quite getting your rationale, can you clarify your two opposing statements above?

 

I don't really know if he thinks Viagra is an issue for him. I guess I can always ask him, right? When I sad he takes meds, he takes one pill that suppresses the extra estrogen and one pill that releases more testosterone. These are prescribed by his urologist.

 

Speaking of, his urologist did not recommend the chair, but he did say bf should get a B-12 shot regimen there at his office. Bf has already signed up for these, and they apparently are supposed to assist a little with erection, but mostly they assist with energy, motivation, and they target fat cells in order to help with weight loss.

[katrina1980]

I addressed the issue at hand, I hope OP returns to answer cause I really do think Viagra would help if they can get over their stigma against it.

 

He apparently has no issue with other treatments as she stated he takes his meds faithfully.

 

But who knows.

[WithLove]

The whole thing with taking meds and treatment - his mother was against medical assistance his entire life, so he has been brought up with that stigma. It's a stigma to me because I need meds to function, but my father once told me they were a crutch and a way to avoid "natural conflict". So, since we've been dating, we agreed to be more open to medical treatment of any kind, since obviously not being on them so far in our lives has certainly not worked.

[katrina1980]

Thnx for responding OP, I had not read your response before posting my second one.

 

Yeah, talk to him about it -- my bf has a very high libido, yay for me , but still takes it occasionally and wows!!

 

My late dad had a very low libido (he was in his late 60s) and from what my step mom told me (we were tight and shared this stuff) wows!!

[Nickel Speed]

I think we're in one of those situations where one person is making another person's thread their personal soap box and the OP's actual issue is not being addressed as a result. Now it's an argument as to whether her issue is valid or not.

 

Bizarre.

 

Just one person huh? Not at all.

 

I merely suggest her desire's could be met in more than one way and several members took offence to how it was presented. Yes, they are desires...not needs. All of this is relevant and useful information for the OP to understand. It doesn't mean her issue i's invalid. It could be approached differently.

[Nickel Speed]

Mod Note...Please stay on topic, and avoid arguing with the opinion of other members.

 

Thank you!

[Seraphim]

The whole thing with taking meds and treatment - his mother was against medical assistance his entire life, so he has been brought up with that stigma. It's a stigma to me because I need meds to function, but my father once told me they were a crutch and a way to avoid "natural conflict". So, since we've been dating, we agreed to be more open to medical treatment of any kind, since obviously not being on them so far in our lives has certainly not worked.

I know it is hard not to carry on the opinions of parents but really we need to ask ourselves if their opinions are useful.

[WithLove]

 

I merely suggest her desire's could be met in more than one way and several members took offence to how it was presented. Yes, they are desires...not needs. All of this is relevant and useful information for the OP to understand. It doesn't mean her issue i's invalid. It could be approached differently.

 

In regards to my desires being met in other ways - they are. They absolutely are. But while the math equation eventually gets solved, it's usually not in any way that makes sense or feels accurate. Sometimes I'd like things to divide up nice and neat, instead of dealing with fractions.

[reinventmyself]

It just appears that you still have some options that you haven't tried.

Until you two have crossed everything off your list, from where I sit you don't have to make any decisions yet.

At the same time I understand that it must weigh on you.