Wife is loving but constantly mean

[tattoobunnie]

I should stress, almost all of us are speaking from our own perspective. We are not professionals hired to be impartial. So I find it funny when OP says I'm being personal. Um, yeah. What do you expect?

 

My point, when my hubs was working early and was able to get home to pick up my eldest from the bus do hw, and get dinner together, I was able to work a full day, pick up our youngest from daycare, come home, and we all eat together, and I'd clean the kitchen, I had zero, and I mean zero issues, and no reasons to nag. Didn't have to.

 

But now he is away 12 to 14 hours a day, with a 2 hour commute one way, I am stuck with almost everything on top of running two companies, and whatever free time I had is now at 10pm at night, maybe 11, And yup, all he does is under my microscope, because I am myself am drowning.

 

So if you want only want impartial or pat you on the back baby step advice, get it from a professional, not a bunch of people living it, and taking the time to share what a person can be thinking on the other end.

[Seraphim]

It is not about a house keeper or a nanny. It is about what is missing as a couple that she might not even know is missing.

He has a good job and can afford a housekeeper. They should look into a nanny or at least a sitter.She needs to speak up and stop being passive aggressive.

[Starlight925]

She needs to speak up and stop being passive aggressive.

 

^^^ This, right here.

 

I bet the OP would pay whatever it would cost for a sitter if she would Just. Stop. Being. So. Mean.

[j.man]

It is not about a house keeper or a nanny. It is about what is missing as a couple that she might not even know is missing.

It is when her excuse for not going out is there being too much to do. You can't nag your partner for all your duties despite his efforts waking up at 5:00am and being scrutinized for all his domestic efforts after work all while charging him with being the one to reignite the romance.

 

OP's wife needs to wipe the chip off her shoulder and communicate like an adult.

[Seraphim]

The thing is he is not a hero for getting up at 5 these are kids HE laid down in a bed to make too. He is being a dad. Great, so he should.

[j.man]

Who called him a hero?

[Hollyj]

It is not about a house keeper or a nanny. It is about what is missing as a couple that she might not even know is missing.

 

They should seek counseling, then. Some expect their partners to be mind readers.

[Seraphim]

People keep making a big deal about him getting up with boys and he has to work , my gawd.

 

Many men and women do this with their kids every day of the week. They work too. And some are at home.

 

 

My son didn’t sleep a full night until he was 7. It would take until 11 PM to keep him in the bed: He was sleep walking at 2 AM almost every night and he was up for the day at 4:30 AM. I worked and was up half the night for 7 years . No cookies or gold stars. Just mom. As his mom that was my job.

Who called him a hero?

[Hollyj]

I wonder where the OP went? We are are arguing amongst ourselves.

[j.man]

People keep making a big deal about him getting up with boys and he has to work , my gawd.

 

Many men and women do this with their kids every day of the week. They work too. And some are at home.

 

 

My son didn’t sleep a full night until he was 7. It would take until 11 PM to keep him in the bed: He was sleep walking at 2 AM almost every night and he was up for the day at 4:30 AM. I worked and was up half the night for 7 years . No cookies or gold stars. Just mom. As his mom that was my job.

They're not making a big deal out of 5:00am for the sake of it. Fact is his family's entire financial prosperity and indeed their financial livelihood is dependent on him not ****ing up on an evaluation, never mind the possibility of getting fired. That he's routinely performing a domestic split shift with the first being pre-dusk for her benefit is absolutely obscene. This woman of his is an exclusive SAHM, she's not a "working" mom (don't like the term as being a mother is obviously work, but you understand what I mean). Though I did have an actual single working mom, so sympathies tend to run even drier. But I digress.

 

You had and have a special needs child, which is its own separate, completely fair, and respectable consideration. But in this case, so long as the kids don't dive off the stairs head first and she does the bare minimum around the house to keep the roaches and mice at bay, and I say this with absolute respect and exception to the unfortunate women out there whose husbands come home swinging if the casserole isn't ready, that *is* mission accomplished. Like 80% of this forum would consider it abusive if he came home and pointed out a big spot on a plate she washed. You're off the grid. You're unsupervised, and you're certainly not getting fired. Obviously at least strive to fit in the necessary doctors appointments and make sure you take the 5 minutes biweekly to pay off the necessary bills, but the point is your average stay-at-home (mother or father) has the luxury of having an off-day. You order dinner, you hire a cleaning lady if the spouse so offers (and which you're apparently free to decline and b*tch about), you pawn your kids off to the spouse to get the groceries you couldn't couldn't get to prior to 6:00pm. Fortunately, most shops are still open.

 

Seriously. Some folks gotta lay off the Oprah. Being a mom (or a stay-at-home dad) isn't the hardest job in the world. Wanna go t1t for tat either physically or emotionally, I'll be glad to exchange experiences from when I was pulling 20-4s in Iraq. But at the end of the day, assuming you weren't forced or coerced, we both volunteered. You're responsible to communicate like a grown adult. OP's wife is no exception. That she may potentially be rewarded for her childishness honestly frustrates me a bit.

[Kc984]

Wow! This has been very active. Sorry, I’ve been at work and just caught up.

 

I am overwhelmed with how productive this post has been. Thank you to all the constructive feedback. Update is that I spoke to my wife today and she has said she doesn’t even realise she is doing it however has called out three issues;

 

1. She is feeling a little (I think it’s a lot) resentful that I have a career and am personally growing while she feels she is stuck at home. This was hard for her to say because she feels as a mum she should think raising kids is enough...I think she is well normal to feel how she does (We will work on how she can feel a sense of achievement and accomplishment outside of raising kids. If that means her going to work that is cool - she thought I wanted her to be a stay at home mum.)

 

2. She misses me. Feels like we never spend time as just us having fun anymore, it’s all work or kids. When we have time I still check my emails and take calls which I obviously need to stop. (Ie; I’m not being present when we have downtime)

 

3. She feels like she is unattractive and gross cause she never has time to do anything but that’s probably because she feels sad about the first two...so is mildly depressed.

 

She apologised and we agreed we should get counselling.

 

Seriously, thank you. It seems so simple but I feel like we spoke about this a hundreds of times and we got nowhere. After reading all of the comments I had a different perspective which helped the conversation. You guys are awesome. (Tattoo girl...you’re angry).

 

Hopefully we get it under control and both come to the party together to make this work.

[Seraphim]

Wow! This has been very active. Sorry, I’ve been at work and just caught up.

 

I am overwhelmed with how productive this post has been. Thank you to all the constructive feedback. Update is that I spoke to my wife today and she has said she doesn’t even realise she is doing it however has called out three issues;

 

1. She is feeling a little (I think it’s a lot) resentful that I have a career and am personally growing while she feels she is stuck at home. This was hard for her to say because she feels as a mum she should think raising kids is enough...I think she is well normal to feel how she does (We will work on how she can feel a sense of achievement and accomplishment outside of raising kids. If that means her going to work that is cool - she thought I wanted her to be a stay at home mum.)

 

2. She misses me. Feels like we never spend time as just us having fun anymore, it’s all work or kids. When we have time I still check my emails and take calls which I obviously need to stop. (Ie; I’m not being present when we have downtime)

 

3. She feels like she is unattractive and gross cause she never has time to do anything but that’s probably because she feels sad about the first two...so is mildly depressed.

 

She apologised and we agreed we should get counselling.

 

Seriously, thank you. It seems so simple but I feel like we spoke about this a hundreds of times and we got nowhere. After reading all of the comments I had a different perspective which helped the conversation. You guys are awesome. (Tattoo girl...you’re angry).

 

Hopefully we get it under control and both come to the party together to make this work.

I am so happy it worked out that way! I hope it all works out for you guys!

[Batya33]

Wow! This has been very active. Sorry, I’ve been at work and just caught up.

 

I am overwhelmed with how productive this post has been. Thank you to all the constructive feedback. Update is that I spoke to my wife today and she has said she doesn’t even realise she is doing it however has called out three issues;

 

1. She is feeling a little (I think it’s a lot) resentful that I have a career and am personally growing while she feels she is stuck at home. This was hard for her to say because she feels as a mum she should think raising kids is enough...I think she is well normal to feel how she does (We will work on how she can feel a sense of achievement and accomplishment outside of raising kids. If that means her going to work that is cool - she thought I wanted her to be a stay at home mum.)

 

2. She misses me. Feels like we never spend time as just us having fun anymore, it’s all work or kids. When we have time I still check my emails and take calls which I obviously need to stop. (Ie; I’m not being present when we have downtime)

 

3. She feels like she is unattractive and gross cause she never has time to do anything but that’s probably because she feels sad about the first two...so is mildly depressed.

 

She apologised and we agreed we should get counselling.

 

Seriously, thank you. It seems so simple but I feel like we spoke about this a hundreds of times and we got nowhere. After reading all of the comments I had a different perspective which helped the conversation. You guys are awesome. (Tattoo girl...you’re angry).

 

Hopefully we get it under control and both come to the party together to make this work.

 

You two are wonderful and especially you for reaching out to her and getting her to share with you in such a loving and honest way.

The shoulds and pressure, especially on new moms, are tremendous -and I am sure Facebook exacerbates it with people who insist on posting about how awesome it is to be a SAHM (or a working mom). (I loved my job as full time mom but I knew I wanted to do that and knew that for many years - but I sure can relate!)

[Annia]

I just think she wants time away from the kids not more time with them in a different location. My bet is she feels resentful he goes to the gym for 3 hours.

 

Childcare was 100% my problem because my husband was away for 5 years of my son’s childhood and my husband was also clueless about young kids. Soooooo I was 100% the care giver for 13 years. I remember my husband phoning me and saying on New Year’s Day oh I’m swimming in the Mediterranean or oh I’m going to the movies with my friends. I felt like saying , “ eff you, I am looking after our kid 24/7 . “

 

It breeds resentment. That is what I am hearing in the wife’s comments.

 

I get that, but he's present. He's the breadwinner and despite working to provide for them, he wakes up at 5 to be with the kids and help with breakfast and all and still does shores at home and offered to hire a cleaner to help her when she said there was too much to do. Besides being the only provider and working the whole day he still does chores and helps with the kids. He also gave her opportunities for him to stay with the kids while she does something else for herself. I think he does a lot and helps a lot, considering she's a stay at home mum. Now, I also feel that she feels resented about something and I'm not invalidating that feeling. Maybe she'd like to be back into the working force and not be a stay at home mother. It can be exhausting I believe. If so maybe they could figure out an arrangement where she could get a part time or something and other solutions of the children.

 

Also, I think you two need marriage therapy to learn to communicate. Communicating passive aggressive is a habit that needs training to change. I'm a bit passive aggressive too by nature (not proud of it) and I need to check myself to catch it on time, stop and be more direct. It takes time and effort but it's the best thing a person can do for their relationships in general. A counselor could help you two communicate better with each other and get to the actual issue and each others needs.

[Seraphim]

Resentment is real folks. Just like marriage and sometimes you resent your spouse is getting fulfillment and you are not. That is perfectly legit.

 

Anyway, I am glad they sorted it out and have the start of a game plan.

 

I am out.

[Annia]

I've just read they sorted it out and I'm happy. It was great progress that she got to communicate properly. I hope everything is better from now on, if not I still suggest couples therapy to help navigate this.

[bluecastle]

Wow! This has been very active. Sorry, I’ve been at work and just caught up.

 

I am overwhelmed with how productive this post has been. Thank you to all the constructive feedback. Update is that I spoke to my wife today and she has said she doesn’t even realise she is doing it however has called out three issues;

 

1. She is feeling a little (I think it’s a lot) resentful that I have a career and am personally growing while she feels she is stuck at home. This was hard for her to say because she feels as a mum she should think raising kids is enough...I think she is well normal to feel how she does (We will work on how she can feel a sense of achievement and accomplishment outside of raising kids. If that means her going to work that is cool - she thought I wanted her to be a stay at home mum.)

 

2. She misses me. Feels like we never spend time as just us having fun anymore, it’s all work or kids. When we have time I still check my emails and take calls which I obviously need to stop. (Ie; I’m not being present when we have downtime)

 

3. She feels like she is unattractive and gross cause she never has time to do anything but that’s probably because she feels sad about the first two...so is mildly depressed.

 

She apologised and we agreed we should get counselling.

 

Seriously, thank you. It seems so simple but I feel like we spoke about this a hundreds of times and we got nowhere. After reading all of the comments I had a different perspective which helped the conversation. You guys are awesome. (Tattoo girl...you’re angry).

 

Hopefully we get it under control and both come to the party together to make this work.

 

Bravo, and very heartwarming.

 

Your second point reminds me of something a good friend of mine went through that has always stuck with me, should I find myself married with a kid or two some day.

 

She and her now ex-husband—both awesome people—got married, had a kid, and by all constructs had a great life. Good jobs, great home, and so on. But their marriage didn't last, because, in her words, it stopped being a marriage. The most crushing thing about their divorce—both feel this way—is that it wasn't particularly crushing, as they'd been a married couple in label only for years.

 

The way she put it to me was that they kind of stopped cultivating their love for each other, but instead put all that energy into their child—a kind of triangulation that changed their whole dynamic. She said something to the affect that rather than think of their child as the product of their romantic love and connection, their child became the sole recipient of love in the house, while they stopped feeding what she called the "primary" relationship—their own.

 

Anyhow, I always liked that. It's not about selfishly neglecting the kid(s) to play footsie, of course, but just to remember to keep putting coal in the big engine that got the train rolling in the first place. What's good for the couple is, of course, also good for the kids.

[smackie9]

Wow! This has been very active. Sorry, I’ve been at work and just caught up.

 

I am overwhelmed with how productive this post has been. Thank you to all the constructive feedback. Update is that I spoke to my wife today and she has said she doesn’t even realise she is doing it however has called out three issues;

 

1. She is feeling a little (I think it’s a lot) resentful that I have a career and am personally growing while she feels she is stuck at home. This was hard for her to say because she feels as a mum she should think raising kids is enough...I think she is well normal to feel how she does (We will work on how she can feel a sense of achievement and accomplishment outside of raising kids. If that means her going to work that is cool - she thought I wanted her to be a stay at home mum.)

 

2. She misses me. Feels like we never spend time as just us having fun anymore, it’s all work or kids. When we have time I still check my emails and take calls which I obviously need to stop. (Ie; I’m not being present when we have downtime)

 

3. She feels like she is unattractive and gross cause she never has time to do anything but that’s probably because she feels sad about the first two...so is mildly depressed.

 

She apologised and we agreed we should get counselling.

 

Seriously, thank you. It seems so simple but I feel like we spoke about this a hundreds of times and we got nowhere. After reading all of the comments I had a different perspective which helped the conversation. You guys are awesome. (Tattoo girl...you’re angry).

 

Hopefully we get it under control and both come to the party together to make this work.

 

Called it.

[Hollyj]

Fantastic!

Wishing you the best!

[abitbroken]

Wow! This has been very active. Sorry, I’ve been at work and just caught up.

 

I am overwhelmed with how productive this post has been. Thank you to all the constructive feedback. Update is that I spoke to my wife today and she has said she doesn’t even realise she is doing it however has called out three issues;

 

1. She is feeling a little (I think it’s a lot) resentful that I have a career and am personally growing while she feels she is stuck at home. This was hard for her to say because she feels as a mum she should think raising kids is enough...I think she is well normal to feel how she does (We will work on how she can feel a sense of achievement and accomplishment outside of raising kids. If that means her going to work that is cool - she thought I wanted her to be a stay at home mum.)

 

2. She misses me. Feels like we never spend time as just us having fun anymore, it’s all work or kids. When we have time I still check my emails and take calls which I obviously need to stop. (Ie; I’m not being present when we have downtime)

 

3. She feels like she is unattractive and gross cause she never has time to do anything but that’s probably because she feels sad about the first two...so is mildly depressed.

 

She apologised and we agreed we should get counselling.

 

Seriously, thank you. It seems so simple but I feel like we spoke about this a hundreds of times and we got nowhere. After reading all of the comments I had a different perspective which helped the conversation. You guys are awesome. (Tattoo girl...you’re angry).

 

Hopefully we get it under control and both come to the party together to make this work.

 

GREAT!!!

Now take your wife out on a date!

 

And yes -- maybe after the kids are in school she can go back to work or for now have a volunteer position or do something where she feels current in her field.

[itsallgrand]

Hooray! Great!

 

I think being a stay at home parent isn't for everyone, and that's fine! The rates of depression with SAHMs is high. If your wife goes back to work even now, kids will be fine.

It's much preferable to a miserable mom and wife.

[tattoobunnie]

(Tattoo girl...you’re angry).

 

So what? You were still contemplating leaving your wife. You came on here to hopefully find another perspective. Pointing out the obvious in my situation does not lessen yours. She still may or may not wind up going back to work, but then what? All the things with the house and your kids are still there. Her not able to express that she did not want to be a SAHM for years till you were at a boiling point and depressed says that you both definitely need to learn how to communicate - You still have a long way to go and lots to work out. So pointing me out is your way of trying to side step a bit of your culpability; ooh, "that I'm so much worse." You, him, and your wife are no better off than I.

 

Congrats you were able to finally open up to one another. You still have a long way to go. Just saying you want something is not a wave of a magic wand. Hopefully you will be able to work on a plan of action, and able to divide and conquer.

[Batya33]

We don't know if she was "unable" to express it or chose not to or what really happened. Communication is a two way street and I would need more info to know why she made this choice and regretted it, etc. Maybe she was lying to herself, we just do not know.

[lostandhurt]

I wonder how this thread would have looked if she was the one working the executive job and he was the stay at home dad being mean...

 

OP I spent 20 years trying to make my wife happy and didn't realize till way to late it was a fools errand. She needed to find her own happiness and I couldn't be responsible for it. You have done all you knew to do and I commend you for trying so hard to make it possible for her to be happier. Please remember you are not responsible for her happiness and even if you killed yourself trying to be perfect or making everything perfect so she could be happy it still would not be enough.

 

Good on you for getting her to express what she was feeling. It is an excellent first step. I failed at this and my ex has repeated the same thing with 2 different men so far.

 

You are a good man, husband and father. Never feel bad about taking care of yourself mind and body.

 

I agree a therapist would be way more valuable than a cleaning service.

 

Best of luck to you

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