Wife is loving but constantly mean

[Kc984]

Thanks to you all for the comments. There is some very good advice amongst it all.

 

To answer a couple of questions;

 

She does not “work” outside of the home. I am well aware of the fact that as a stay at home Mum she is working from the moment she is up to the moment the kids go to bed. Hence..:I don’t go to gym during the week and go twice on the weekend, help with cleaning etc (without being asked).

 

There were a couple of negative people here so let me address one point - the assumption that I’ve got it easy - I get up at 5am and am playing role of carer, I go to work for 10-12 hours as an executive of a business that runs 24/7. I come home and help with bathing kids, bedtime, then go and help cook and clean. The silly assumptions one poster made about the dishes...actually I am the one who is regularly cleaning all the crap out of the sink because my wife leaves food in the sink. I work hard and I am saying I know she does too at home - I am not the husband that thinks she has it super easy but neither do I! It’s actually nice to see the majority of you here recognise the general assumption that the working parent is the one with the easiest life is not fact.

 

We have discussed it and I’ve asked her what is bothering her, it was me not helping enough with cleaning etc....hence I started doing more (she canceled cleaners because they didn’t do a good enough job), she feels she doesn’t have freedom so I’ve made the suggestion she comes up with things she wants to do or just times she wants to have to herself and we can organsie somethjbg (nanny, childcare, I take them) - we don’t have any family nearby....I haven’t forced this as in my view she has to take ownership of her life and be responsible for taking action to decide to do something about it...I’m just letting her know I support her and will help. I ahve organised a date night for next Friday which admittedly is he first in a few months because I was asking her to organsie a babysitter and she hadn’t so I booked one and a night out to see her favourite pianist.

 

Regarding cabin fever...she barely leaves the house Because “there is so much to do” and I think that’s an excuse. A few times she has said “I ahve to do x and y and z and a and and and”...then I’ve said ok well let’s do that and go...ao I end up doing all of that and getting out of the house. It’s like she overwhelms herself thinking about every single thing and then gives up rather than just thinking about the objective and doing. (Is this a sign of depression?)

 

After reading all of these comments I will try a couple of things;

 

1. Take ownership of booking more date nights (don’t ask her to organise the babysitter, do that for her)

 

2. Talk to her again and let her know the situation is not working and is unsustainable. Ask what needs to happen to change it.

 

3. Suggest a session with a professional

 

4. Cut gym back to 1 hour (the person who added another hour for travel...the 1.5 includes getting out the door and home. You need to deal with whatever is bothering you)

 

You are mostly a great bunch of people, really appreciate your advice.

[Clio]

What you are describing is passive-aggressive behaviour and it is not healthy. It sounds like she is bothered by something. You don't provide enough information regarding whatever weight she is pulling within your relationship for us to be able to determine whether there is an imbalance regarding your respective contributions. Regardless, she is not fighting fair at the moment and that is harmful for your relationship. You need to discuss her behaviour with her and find out where it stems from. If needed, consider professional counseling to get to the bottom of her behaviour. Once, you know the why, it will be easier to determine what you need to do about it.

 

Edit: Having read the additional information that you provided, it sounds like she has trouble staying motivated and she has trouble keeping up with you. Staying couped up at home all day with two little children definitely doesn't help. Imo, she sees that you are currently accomplishing more than she does and feels inferior so she is trying to cut you down, so to speak, which is unhealthy behaviour. She doesn't necessarily realise what she is doing and if that's the case imo it primarily stems from fear of loss and rejection. Your plan sounds good. Good luck.

[Kc984]

You’ve projected a lot into this reply. 98% of what you have written is inaccurate and you come across as very angry. There is no way she is drowning as I do a lot of the household related management. (Bills, finance, maintenance, help with cleaning etc).

 

You make one point though - “chores are not acts of service” - there is truth there....but I think my man brain is not able to see what acts of service are. Help...what is an act of service if not doing something she would otherwise have to do without her asking.

[abitbroken]

Instead of going out to gym so long, why not suggest the whole family does something together? You can go for a walk with strollers or use the kid seats on the bike and go for bike rides. I agree with getting a sitter and going on dates. You get to have grownup conversations all day long. She doesn't if she is home with the kids. If the kids make a mess, she cleans it up. Even if you make it with them.

 

 

Also find out why she's at home so much. I only had one child but made sure we were on the go as much as possible during the day -good for both of us (and no I didn't drive at the time).

 

Taking a 3 and a 1 year old out is a chore. It does not compare to taking one child out in any way. My sister has this situation. Strap two kids in car seats. Unload one kid, but you can't turn your back on that kid once they are out of the car an in a stroller or cart. It would be easier if they were 2 older twins or two babies - but you have one that's completely dependent and one that may bolt away at the store. Grocery shopping is unproductive with two littles like this. You can't have both kids in the shopping cart anymore (there are new safety rules). You have to plan around the kids' different naptimes. The 3 year old gets overloaded and the shopping trip is over. Or the 3 year old wants to "help" ad the shopping trip ends up being 6 hours. Oh and get dressed and take a shower with two littles. At least with an infant, you can leave the door of the bathroom open and sit them in a carrier on the floor right there or in eyeshot in a pack an play, but not with a 3 year old. Your privacy is out the window.

[abitbroken]

You’ve projected a lot into this reply. 98% of what you have written is inaccurate and you come across as very angry. There is no way she is drowning as I do a lot of the household related management. (Bills, finance, maintenance, help with cleaning etc).

 

You make one point though - “chores are not acts of service” - there is truth there....but I think my man brain is not able to see what acts of service are. Help...what is an act of service if not doing something she would otherwise have to do without her asking.

 

Read the Five Love Languages. Not everyone's love language is acts of service.

Find out what yours and hers are. At least read the website.

She can hire a maid to sweep the floor. What she can't do is hire someone to be her partner.

Some people need quality time, physical touch or when was the last time you gave her a compliment?

Why not once a week do something as a family - zoo, park, go with the kids out to breakfast, etc. or going shopping all together incorporated with something fun (at that age, looking at the fountain in the mall was huge entertainment) and do one thing as a couple without the kids.

[DancingFool]

Has she always been negative or is this a new thing? Post partum depression is a serious possibility if previously she was a positive person.

 

Depression means that even though you are doing all those things, her life and perspective is grey and you are correct that she feels overwhelmed and lost even though things are being done and taken care of for her. If she has depression, she needs medical help. Your offers and suggestions are rational, but they won't work with someone struggling with depression because they aren't capable of coming up with ideas, etc. Depression can be chemical and requires medication and therapy, or lifestyle induced in that it doesn't require medication, but rather a drastic shake up of day to day routine - as in go on a trip, change the scenery for awhile, do active things she doesn't normally do at home. At first, you might have to drag her kicking and screaming when she'd rather just sit around, but...once the brain gets stimulated, she'll snap out of it.

 

If she has always been negative and passive aggressive, see my previous post. Only way to deal with passive aggressive personality is to be blunt and call them out on it every single time they make a snide remark. They literally have to learn to communicate better by learning that passive aggressive remarks won't work out for them. You can always try counseling as well specifically to learn how to communicate better.

[Kc984]

I have read it and discussed with her. I also asked if she could read it. I’m words of affirmation, she is acts of service. I was giving words of affirmation and not getting anywhere.

[abitbroken]

I have read it and discussed with her. I also asked if she could read it. I’m words of affirmation, she is acts of service. I was giving words of affirmation and not getting anywhere.

 

She shows love through acts of service or is that how she needs to receive it?

[katrina1980]

I have read it and discussed with her. I also asked if she could read it.

 

I’m words of affirmation, she is acts of service. I was giving words of affirmation and not getting anywhere.

 

 

You weren't getting anywhere cause words of affirmation is your LL, not hers.

 

She needs more acts of service from you as that is her main LL.

 

People tend to give to their partner based on what they themselves need instead of what their partner needs, then wonder what the hell is wrong.

 

Read the book together!! My bf and I did and it helped us a lot!!

[Seraphim]

People have to do what the OTHER person appreciates as an act of love NOT what we ourselves would want .

[abitbroken]

Feeding the kids breakfast or giving them a bath is not an act of service. Its called parenting. Remember your early days of dating. what were things that you did that she really appreciated?

[Seraphim]

Exactly, we don’t get brownie points for parenting our kids because we are supposed to do that . We get brownie points for being a romantic lover and spouse and attending to what our spouse would want.

Feeding the kids breakfast or giving them a bath is not an act of service. Its called parenting. Remember your early days of dating. what were things that you did that she really appreciated?

[Batya33]

As far as taking two kids out - yes, I get that it can be more complicated (and depends on the energy level etc if there is only one mobile child so I wouldn't assume it's easier -I have friends who have told me their kids (multiple) were easy to take from place to place. I suggest she hire a mother's helper to come part time so that she has help getting both kids out of the house and another pair of eyes wherever they go - the park, etc. When I was home I saw my primary role as taking care of our child -not housework. I prioritized getting out with my child and being with my child. Sounds like she's choosing to stay inside so that she can clean, etc.

 

Also she might want to consider a short playgroup for the older child for a few hours -that way she will only have one child to take places ,etc.

[Hollyj]

Where are her friends? Why is she not hanging out with other mothers?

[Seraphim]

It is my take she wants some time to herself not so much get out with the kids. Like if she took a Sat to go out with gfs and went to lunch and got a mani and pedi . ME time not so much mom and kiddo time .

[Batya33]

Where are her friends? Why is she not hanging out with other mothers?

 

I don't think she necessarily needs mom friends or groups of friends but she does need to be out and about and of course if she's at kid type places she is more likely to meet other parents. She also might enjoy getting involved with some occasional volunteer work or maybe there's a social group at your place of worship. I did occasional volunteer work for the public radio station (and enjoyed meeting people -not just parents!) and even going to Starbucks or a coffee shop for an hour helped.

[Seraphim]

From a vantage point of having an adult child I am so happy I can fall down and die when I need to. Sleep when I need to . I can be sick and lay in my bed without a care. I can do ME, whenever. That is so so so missing when you have young kids.

[Batya33]

From a vantage point of having an adult child I am so happy I can fall down and die when I need to. Sleep when I need to . I can be sick and lay in my bed without a care. I can do ME, whenever. That is so so so missing when you have young kids.

 

I found that missing when I worked full time at the career I chose - I was on call 24/7 and had the sleep deprivation, stress, and I couldn't be sick in bed without a care, etc -prepared me for parenthood! I think sometimes there's also miscommunication/a divide where one spouse is the full time parent (as I was) because of that perception that working outside the home necessarily has more freedom than caring for young kids. It depends on the job, and also depends on what the full time mom does. I know of full time parents who hire full time nannies or have help a lot of the time, who go to the gym and use the gym's day care center - not judging at all it's just not all created equal in the full time parent or the "outside the home" working world.

[itsallgrand]

So she had cleaners in, but got rid of them too because they ' weren't doing a good enough job".

So it's not only you she has been hypercritical towards.

She claims she has no time, and has been isolating herself ( and that can in turn isolate the kids).

 

I really think if she can't get it together, being in this role may not be sustainable. It's not absolutely necessary for her to be there, options always exist, and she's dropping the ball big time. In a job, she would have warning or fired at this point.

[Seraphim]

I just think she wants time away from the kids not more time with them in a different location. My bet is she feels resentful he goes to the gym for 3 hours.

 

Childcare was 100% my problem because my husband was away for 5 years of my son’s childhood and my husband was also clueless about young kids. Soooooo I was 100% the care giver for 13 years. I remember my husband phoning me and saying on New Year’s Day oh I’m swimming in the Mediterranean or oh I’m going to the movies with my friends. I felt like saying , “ eff you, I am looking after our kid 24/7 . “

 

It breeds resentment. That is what I am hearing in the wife’s comments.

[Hollyj]

I don't think she necessarily needs mom friends or groups of friends but she does need to be out and about and of course if she's at kid type places she is more likely to meet other parents. She also might enjoy getting involved with some occasional volunteer work or maybe there's a social group at your place of worship. I did occasional volunteer work for the public radio station (and enjoyed meeting people -not just parents!) and even going to Starbucks or a coffee shop for an hour helped.

 

A friend could take the kids for a couple of hours, or another mother could and the kids can play together.

 

 

OP, I think you have gotten a bit beaten up here.

[Camber 2019]

Here's a thought...

 

I went through a similar situation with my ex........

 

She was screwing around, and this was her way of getting me to stay home so she could meet up with her BF...

 

Just sayin'

[Hollyj]

I just think she wants time away from the kids not more time with them in a different location. My bet is she feels resentful he goes to the gym for 3 hours.

 

Childcare was 100% my problem because my husband was away for 5 years of my son’s childhood and my husband was also clueless about young kids. Soooooo I was 100% the care giver for 13 years. I remember my husband phoning me and saying on New Year’s Day oh I’m swimming in the Mediterranean or oh I’m going to the movies with my friends. I felt like saying , “ eff you, I am looking after our kid 24/7 . “

 

It breeds resentment. That is what I am hearing in the wife’s comments.

 

But, he is there, and he contributes/parents on a daily basis. He is doing his share.

[j.man]

I mean he stated a couple times he full on offers to return the favor. She doesn't take it. And when she complained about too much to do being the reason, he offered to hire a cleaning service she's since declined. And as far as waking up at 5:00am to make the kids breakfast and watch for them, absolutely he gets a cookie. Why on God's green Earth is he pulling split shifts domestically in between his actual work shift while she sleeps in or otherwise isn't responsible for the kids? If he's doing this and she's still complaining about him not doing enough around the house, then I'd hardly blame him for conflating acts of services with his acts of servitude. Sounds adequately reasonable to me.

 

At the end of the day, at least by the details given, and in an odd case I am actually willing to take at face value due to him likewise being a rare case sounding like he's genuinely interested in strictly fixing things than looking for hype man, lady is both acting and communicating like a child. Regardless of whether she has every merit in the world to not be happy with him, her behavior shouldn't be skirted. I'd strongly advise marriage counseling, which he's fortunately suggested he'll pursue.

[Camber 2019]

I mean he stated a couple times he full on offers to return the favor. She doesn't take it. And when she complained about too much to do, he offered to hire a cleaning service she's since declined. And as far as waking up at 5:00am to make the kids breakfast and watch for them, absolutely he gets a cookie. Why on God's green Earth is he pulling split shifts domestically in between his actual work shift while she sleeps in or otherwise isn't responsible for the kids? If he's doing this and she's still complaining about him not doing enough around the house, then I'd hardly blame him for conflating acts of services not including his acts of servitude. Sounds adequately reasonable to me.

 

At the end of the day, at least by the details given which, in an odd case I am actually willing to take at face value due to him likewise being a rare case sounding like he's genuinely interested in strictly fixing things, I am willing to take more at face value, lady is both acting and communicating like a child. Regardless of whether she has every merit in the world to not be happy with him, her behavior shouldn't be skirted. I'd strongly advise marriage counseling, which he's fortunately suggested he'll pursue.

 

 

Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup