Wife is loving but constantly mean

[Seraphim]

I would say marriage therapy is probably best.

[Camber 2019]

Passive aggressive = something is wrong. IMHO it's a childish way to bring it up, but people do it...

 

My sister was terribly PA toward me and anyone I was with, and my family supported her... never, ever, found out what the issue was but there is an "elephant in the room' issue that the family will never admit...

 

It's not nice

[Hollyj]

Passive aggressive = something is wrong. IMHO it's a childish way to bring it up, but people do it...

 

My sister was terribly PA toward me and anyone I was with, and my family supported her... never, ever, found out what the issue was but there is an "elephant in the room' issue that the family will never admit...

 

It's not nice

 

Sounds like jealousy.

[Starlight925]

I, too, believe you do deserve a "cookie" for getting up at 5 am and getting the kids ready, with breakfast. If you two have an arrangement for her to be a stay-at-home mom, then that's part of her job as parenting. If she's staying in bed while you're doing this, then to me, that's just wrong.

 

Add to this, her constant passive-aggressive comments towards you, plus her unwillingness to leave the house, and there's something definitely wrong here. It's not that she "can't" leave the house. She doesn't want to, but she uses it as an excuse for how tired/angry/whatever she is. Plenty of stay-at-home parents leave the house during the day, either taking the kids to the park, the mall, the library, the YMCA, etc.

 

She's choosing to hide behind "too busy to leave the house", and blaming you for getting up on Saturday mornings for your workouts.

 

Which, BTW, good for you, for getting up and doing your workouts. 1.5 hours a day is a normal amount of workout time, for someone who works out twice a week. Shoot, she could find a friend to come over and watch the kids, and go with you. Or heck, she could scout out gyms in your neighborhood that have child care, and bring 'em along. Followed by a fun breakfast out, and a fun planned family day of zoo, movies, crafts, whatever. Instead, she'd rather moan about why you loaded the dishes wrong/wore the wrong shirt/put the trash out the wrong way.

 

I'm sorry, OP, I don't have much advice for you, as I think you married the wrong woman, but you have young kids together, and this is a toughie. You have my empathy.

[Hollyj]

I, too, believe you do deserve a "cookie" for getting up at 5 am and getting the kids ready, with breakfast. If you two have an arrangement for her to be a stay-at-home mom, then that's part of her job as parenting. If she's staying in bed while you're doing this, then to me, that's just wrong.

 

Add to this, her constant passive-aggressive comments towards you, plus her unwillingness to leave the house, and there's something definitely wrong here. It's not that she "can't" leave the house. She doesn't want to, but she uses it as an excuse for how tired/angry/whatever she is. Plenty of stay-at-home parents leave the house during the day, either taking the kids to the park, the mall, the library, the YMCA, etc.

 

She's choosing to hide behind "too busy to leave the house", and blaming you for getting up on Saturday mornings for your workouts.

 

Which, BTW, good for you, for getting up and doing your workouts. 1.5 hours a day is a normal amount of workout time, for someone who works out twice a week. Shoot, she could find a friend to come over and watch the kids, and go with you. Or heck, she could scout out gyms in your neighborhood that have child care, and bring 'em along. Followed by a fun breakfast out, and a fun planned family day of zoo, movies, crafts, whatever. Instead, she'd rather moan about why you loaded the dishes wrong/wore the wrong shirt/put the trash out the wrong way.

 

I'm sorry, OP, I don't have much advice for you, as I think you married the wrong woman, but you have young kids together, and this is a toughie. You have my empathy.

 

I agree. You should not give up the workout. You also need time for yourself. I also agree with the idea of gyms that offer childcare!

 

Look into marriage counseling.

[Hollyj]

Let me guess - you dump 98% of all the childcare on her? And you go to the gym 3 hours on weekends. I am not sure if I remembered to brush my hair today. And you want 3.5 hours (.5 for travel) of complete time off from the most needy and annoying ages of 3 and 1? Ugh. Insert massive eye roll from me.

 

She is probably in charge of all homecare, childcare (probably still nursing), doc appts, activities & events, house duties, cooking, shopping, coordinates all the maintenance, researching pre-schools, vacations. And even with daycare, who carpools them to it?

 

And the dish washing. Ask her questions or watch her do it so you can learn, cuz you are probably doing a crap job, so you can eventually get out of it. And let me guess, you also don't wipe down the counters, or clean the sink, but leave all the gunk in it?

 

You know why she can't figure out what to do for free-time - it's because there is no one else doing what she needs to do, it's overwhelming. NEVER ENDING CRAP TO DO. And it gets worse with all the PTA events, after school sports, the potty training, homework when they can't read (common core sucks).

 

If you want a different result - do your own laundry/dry-cleaning from now on, make dinner reservations regularly, find a baby sitter (whether your folks, her folks, someone you hire) and make the arrangements.

 

And btw, her love language is acts of service. Chores is not an act of service - it should be a given she does not have to ask for every time or regularly.

 

You think it'd get easier if you left - you'd still need to run an entire household by yourself, and manage two kids on days you have them.

 

Just because you have a nice job, and life may be fine, but she is still drowning with managing probably all of the household. Caring for TWO toddlers is exhausting.

 

This is not a fair or accurate assessment from what he has provided.

[bluecastle]

I, too, believe you do deserve a "cookie" for getting up at 5 am and getting the kids ready, with breakfast. If you two have an arrangement for her to be a stay-at-home mom, then that's part of her job as parenting. If she's staying in bed while you're doing this, then to me, that's just wrong.

 

Add to this, her constant passive-aggressive comments towards you, plus her unwillingness to leave the house, and there's something definitely wrong here. It's not that she "can't" leave the house. She doesn't want to, but she uses it as an excuse for how tired/angry/whatever she is. Plenty of stay-at-home parents leave the house during the day, either taking the kids to the park, the mall, the library, the YMCA, etc.

 

She's choosing to hide behind "too busy to leave the house", and blaming you for getting up on Saturday mornings for your workouts.

 

Which, BTW, good for you, for getting up and doing your workouts. 1.5 hours a day is a normal amount of workout time, for someone who works out twice a week. Shoot, she could find a friend to come over and watch the kids, and go with you. Or heck, she could scout out gyms in your neighborhood that have child care, and bring 'em along. Followed by a fun breakfast out, and a fun planned family day of zoo, movies, crafts, whatever. Instead, she'd rather moan about why you loaded the dishes wrong/wore the wrong shirt/put the trash out the wrong way.

 

I'm sorry, OP, I don't have much advice for you, as I think you married the wrong woman, but you have young kids together, and this is a toughie. You have my empathy.

 

This.

 

I'm sorry, but I think this thread kind of hit the skids for a minute when the solution was for OP to take better notes in Love Language 101.

 

What I see here is a young couple juggling the tornado that is raising two children. One is rising to the occasion, the other is not.

 

Nothing about OP's posts give the impression that he's blind or disrespectful to his wife's role as a stay-at-home mother—that he's some corporate robot who comes home, pours a drink, passes out, and then vanishes to the gym for the weekend.

 

Even in his frustration, it's very clear that among the priorities he's juggling —childcare, executive, his own physical health—he remains deeply invested in his relationship and the well-being of his wife. He ostensibly was up early this morning with the kids, spent all day at work, and is now reaching out here, on this site, for guidance. I'm tempted to bake the guy some cookies right now, and I'd be introducing him to my single friends were he not, well, you know...

 

All I can say is that I hope this passive aggressive temperament is a recent development, and not something that was overlooked earlier, since then maybe something like postpartum depression is at play here. And I really hope the wife is more amenable to counseling than she's been with, say, the offering to hire a cleaner, because it takes two people to turn the battleship of a marriage, not one, even one who stays fit and occasionally gets mistaken for a rugby player.

[Camber 2019]

This.

 

I'm sorry, but I think this thread kind of hit the skids for a minute when the solution was for OP to take better notes in Love Language 101.

 

What I see here is a young couple juggling the tornado that is raising two children. One is rising to the occasion, the other is not.

 

Nothing about OP's posts give the impression that he's blind or disrespectful to his wife's role as a stay-at-home mother—that he's some corporate robot who comes home, pours a drink, passes out, and then vanishes to the gym for the weekend.

 

Even in his frustration, it's very clear that among the priorities he's juggling —childcare, executive, his own physical health—he remains deeply invested in his relationship and the well-being of his wife. He ostensibly was up early this morning with the kids, spent all day at work, and is now reaching out here, on this site, for guidance. I'm tempted to bake the guy some cookies right now, and I'd be introducing him to my single friends were he not, well, you know...

 

All I can say is that I hope this passive aggressive temperament is a recent development, and not something that was overlooked earlier, since then maybe something like postpartum depression is at play here. And I really hope the wife is more amenable to counseling than she's been with, say, the offering to hire a cleaner, because it takes two people to turn the battleship of a marriage, not one, even one who stays fit and occasionally gets mistaken for a rugby player.

 

Yup, yup, yup...

 

I think today's Dads get the short end of the stick WHEN (and I say when) they are putting in the effort that this Daddy does!

 

Somewhere along the line society has determined that all Dads are bad. The moral demise of our society.. main stream media...

 

Look at our country 50 years ago, or most other countries today - Daddy's are doing GREAT compared to that!

 

Thank you all the dedicated Daddies and understanding Mommies!!!

[Seraphim]

I don’t think all dads are bad at all . My brother is a great single dad. My husband is a good dad, now . He was just lost in his own mental difficulties and had no clue what to do with infants or toddlers or a boy who had ZERO interest in sports and was not “ rough and tumble.” He got more interested in his son when his son was a teen. Now as adults they are great buddies.

 

This fellow is not a bad dad either, not by a long shot. They are just stuck in a merry-go-round of argument and need to find a way out .

[Camber 2019]

I don’t think all dads are bad at all . My brother is a great single dad. My husband is a good dad, now . He was just lost in his own mental difficulties and had no clue what to do with infants or toddlers or a boy who had ZERO interest in sports and was not “ rough and tumble.” He got more interested in his son when his son was a teen. Now as adults they are great buddies.

 

This fellow is not a bad dad either, not by a long shot. They are just stuck in a merry-go-round of argument and need to find a way out .

 

Ser - you always know what to say!

[tattoobunnie]

You’ve projected a lot into this reply. 98% of what you have written is inaccurate and you come across as very angry. There is no way she is drowning as I do a lot of the household related management. (Bills, finance, maintenance, help with cleaning etc).

 

You make one point though - “chores are not acts of service” - there is truth there....but I think my man brain is not able to see what acts of service are. Help...what is an act of service if not doing something she would otherwise have to do without her asking.

 

If she was so happy with your partnership, and not drowning with caring for the kids and everything else, she'd probably wouldn't be jabbing you. Jabbing / the nit-picking - the level of resentment that has been brewing. It does not come from someone who's happy as a clam and feeling carefree. So you can keep deflecting by saying I've got problems instead of taking a deep dive at your culpability in the issues you are having with your wife. Don't call the kettle black - we are all in the same forum for one reason or another.

 

And yes, I'm married with two little kids...with a husband who unknowingly leaves all the gunk in the sink. If she didn't like the cleaners, find new ones for her that will do a deep clean. My mom used to clean before the maid would come too. Some just do much better jobs than others. But you realize, it's not about the cleaning - it's being stuck in the mom vortex with a partner that doesn't quite see it yet, and may not as she takes the brunt of the childcare.

 

Household management is not bills - bills is finance. Household is playdates, appointments, activities for the kids, the family, arrangements for holidays, parties, decor, shopping for food, clothes, childcare, arrangments with childcare.

 

You vaccuum and do dishes. Big whoopie. Are you wiping two kids butts several times a day dealing toddlers with an endless range of emotions at the drop of a hat 24/7? And the fact you love were very clear about your job, and the specific chores means she probably is always the one up when their sick, need cuddles, be fed, changed, and stimulated. And as a big exec, I doubt you are home making or joining them for dinner each day.

 

I am not trying to beat you up; This dynamic between stay at home moms and working dads is beyond common. Just reminding you what you've done prior wasn't getting to the root of things, so maybe try listening to a mom of two young kids who's also drowning and going through this as well with her own husband, and has no problem being honest and upfront about it.

 

Everyone likes to think they are the best at something, or the best or mean the best. But sometimes it really is simply that you really are just doing a crappy job with the dishes and could use a few pointers that you consistently follow.

[Camber 2019]

If she was so happy with your partnership, and not drowning with caring for the kids and everything else, she'd probably wouldn't be jabbing you. Jabbing / the nit-picking - the level of resentment that has been brewing. It does not come from someone who's happy as a clam and feeling carefree. So you can keep deflecting by saying I've got problems instead of taking a deep dive at your culpability in the issues you are having with your wife. Don't call the kettle black - we are all in the same forum for one reason or another.

 

And yes, I'm married with two little kids...with a husband who unknowingly leaves all the gunk in the sink. If she didn't like the cleaners, find new ones for her that will do a deep clean. My mom used to clean before the maid would come too. Some just do much better jobs than others. But you realize, it's not about the cleaning - it's being stuck in the mom vortex with a partner that doesn't quite see it yet, and may not as she takes the brunt of the childcare.

 

Household management is not bills - bills is finance. Household is playdates, appointments, activities for the kids, the family, arrangements for holidays, parties, decor, shopping for food, clothes, childcare, arrangments with childcare.

 

You vaccuum and do dishes. Big whoopie. Are you wiping two kids butts several times a day dealing toddlers with an endless range of emotions at the drop of a hat 24/7? And the fact you love were very clear about your job, and the specific chores means she probably is always the one up when their sick, need cuddles, be fed, changed, and stimulated. And as a big exec, I doubt you are home making or joining them for dinner each day.

 

I am not trying to beat you up; This dynamic between stay at home moms and working dads is beyond common. Just reminding you what you've done prior wasn't getting to the root of things, so maybe try listening to a mom of two young kids who's also drowning and going through this as well with her own husband, and has no problem being honest and upfront about it.

 

Everyone likes to think they are the best at something, or the best or mean the best. But sometimes it really is simply that you really are just doing a crappy job with the dishes and could use a few pointers that you consistently follow.

 

I think you need to start your own thread... You have issues girl

[abitbroken]

Yup, yup, yup...

 

I think today's Dads get the short end of the stick WHEN (and I say when) they are putting in the effort that this Daddy does!

 

Somewhere along the line society has determined that all Dads are bad. The moral demise of our society.. main stream media...

 

Look at our country 50 years ago, or most other countries today - Daddy's are doing GREAT compared to that!

 

Thank you all the dedicated Daddies and understanding Mommies!!!

 

well, not true - dads were considered good. Its in the last 30 years the image of the bumbling, stupid dad/smart mom combo has been more prevalant. even Ward Cleaver had breakfast and dinner with the kids - talked about their days, guided them etc.. My grandfathers and even great grandfathers had breakfast and dinner with their families. Having breakfast with your kids is being a dad, not going above and beyond for your wife. Sure, women did the cooking more than men, but the man backed up their wife -my grandfathers and great grandfathers backed up and supported their wives -- they made sure they had whatever resources they needed. Grandma didn't drive so Grandpa went to the store with the whole family every week. But there was grocery delivery, too. Grandma and Grandpa went together to play cards with the neighbors once a week -. Men weren't going to the gym unless they were a competitive athlete. He was back with his family as soon as he could get there.

 

He needs to take her out on dates without the kids. He is having conversations with other grownups all day, he is getting fit to keep up his appearance 3 hours a day. He feels validated and accomplished and has to tell us how attractive he is. If you have worked before you stayed home with kids, often its hard to feel accomplishment in being home with the kids. After he gets into the habit of going on dates with his wife then he has room to address the other. It may very well disappear and doesn't even need to be mentioned. Or she may be more receptive to the discussion.

[Camber 2019]

well, not true - dads were considered good. Its in the last 30 years the image of the bumbling, stupid dad/smart mom combo has been more prevalant. even Ward Cleaver had breakfast and dinner with the kids - talked about their days, guided them etc.. My grandfathers and even great grandfathers had breakfast and dinner with their families. Having breakfast with your kids is being a dad, not going above and beyond for your wife. Sure, women did the cooking more than men, but the man backed up their wife -my grandfathers and great grandfathers backed up and supported their wives -- they made sure they had whatever resources they needed. Grandma didn't drive so Grandpa went to the store with the whole family every week. But there was grocery delivery, too. Grandma and Grandpa went together to play cards with the neighbors once a week -. Men weren't going to the gym unless they were a competitive athlete. He was back with his family as soon as he could get there.

 

He needs to take her out on dates without the kids. He is having conversations with other grownups all day, he is getting fit to keep up his appearance 3 hours a day. He feels validated and accomplished and has to tell us how attractive he is. If you have worked before you stayed home with kids, often its hard to feel accomplishment in being home with the kids. After he gets into the habit of going on dates with his wife then he has room to address the other. It may very well disappear and doesn't even need to be mentioned. Or she may be more receptive to the discussion.

 

Wow, very well put! But in today's society, I think 2 hours at the gym for such a good Dad is OK. But I do get your point! But I think your 3 hours a day interpretation is incorrect. He said 1 1/2 hours a week.... But I get you, I really do!

 

And yes... Mommy need to feel like a lady, and Daddy need to feel like a man, otherwise the margarine turns into a day care and roommate situation!

[Hollyj]

well, not true - dads were considered good. Its in the last 30 years the image of the bumbling, stupid dad/smart mom combo has been more prevalant. even Ward Cleaver had breakfast and dinner with the kids - talked about their days, guided them etc.. My grandfathers and even great grandfathers had breakfast and dinner with their families. Having breakfast with your kids is being a dad, not going above and beyond for your wife. Sure, women did the cooking more than men, but the man backed up their wife -my grandfathers and great grandfathers backed up and supported their wives -- they made sure they had whatever resources they needed. Grandma didn't drive so Grandpa went to the store with the whole family every week. But there was grocery delivery, too. Grandma and Grandpa went together to play cards with the neighbors once a week -. Men weren't going to the gym unless they were a competitive athlete. He was back with his family as soon as he could get there.

 

He needs to take her out on dates without the kids. He is having conversations with other grownups all day, he is getting fit to keep up his appearance 3 hours a day. He feels validated and accomplished and has to tell us how attractive he is. If you have worked before you stayed home with kids, often its hard to feel accomplishment in being home with the kids. After he gets into the habit of going on dates with his wife then he has room to address the other. It may very well disappear and doesn't even need to be mentioned. Or she may be more receptive to the discussion.

 

But, she also needs to step it up by getting out of the house and finding activities and play groups. She refuses. If she had kept the housekeeper, she may have more free time on her hands.

 

Date nights are also a must.

[Camber 2019]

As i said...

 

She might be needing more BF time. Happened to me!

[Seraphim]

“Getting out “ and finding “ playgroups” is a new innovation too. Hell, play dates and playgroups are even after my son’s time. I don’t think she needs that I think she needs time with other adults with her kids not present. Play group and play date is not going to make you feel like an accomplished woman is just another rigmarole of “mom “.

[Seraphim]

As i said...

 

She might be needing more BF time. Happened to me!

I really don’t think it’s that . I don’t know a lot of women with a three-year-old and a one-year-old that have time for affairs.

[Camber 2019]

I really don’t think it’s that . I don’t know a lot of women with a three-year-old and a one-year-old that have time for affairs.

 

I do... want her name?

[Seraphim]

Nope. Not interested in her name. I know more moms of toddlers who wipe arses all day long and far too tired to worry about an affair.

I do... want her name?

[Hollyj]

“Getting out “ and finding “ playgroups” is a new innovation too. Hell, play dates and playgroups are even after my son’s time. I don’t think she needs that I think she needs time with other adults with her kids not present. Play group and play date is not going to make you feel like an accomplished woman is just another rigmarole of “mom “.

 

Then, she should find a sitter or nanny.

[Starlight925]

This isn't about who's the better parent, the mom or the dad.

 

This is about an unhappy woman who takes passive-aggressive jabs at her husband. Period.

 

There is no room in any type of marriage for mean snark, such as what she says. Sniping about how he dresses, etc. I don't care if you have 2 small kids or 22 grandkids, that right there is mean, passive aggressive, and just plain not nice.

 

Sounds like the OP does his fair share of the work + parenting, and the wife probably does too. This is not about that!!! This is about her mean, snipey comments that, if they were dating, we'd all be telling him to block/delete/move on.

[Seraphim]

Maybe she wants to romanced by her husband and spend time with him but she can’t figure out how to say that . Lots of people get stuck in the role of parent and lose them selves . I could never have a sitter. My son was only ever looked after by my mom and that was while I was at work she was not going to babysit for other stuff when she had done it all day . And I could not leave him on his own until he was about 15/16. That’s when my husband and I finally got to have dates again . When you’re stuck in that role of parent you don’t even realize what you’re missing . That you’re missing the couple until you get to be that again .

Then, she should find a sitter or nanny.

[j.man]

she probably is always the one up when their sick, need cuddles, be fed, changed, and stimulated.

It honestly disturbs me this is a chore to some parents. I have a grandmother who had thirteen kids. My mother was a single mother raising five. Neither of them would ever dream of creating a pissing contest out of what amounts to what's probably the most tangible and simply most human product which can come from your labor. They're the fondest moments and bonds any parent would dream to have rather than all the while spending their time away from home, with the pressure of knowing while they're working, one ****-up could leave their family in financial ruin. And I'm not saying that lone gets the breadwinner a gold star, but when they're waking up at 5:00am to chip in and helping out once they get home, I have no idea where folks are finding stones to throw.

 

It's not without respect for the difficulty of the job that is taking care of children and the household, but if you genuinely don't want it or like it, find a guy whose career makes less sense than yours to bring home the bread and have him assume the position you deem such a burden. I'm all for the OP having his wife set up a two year plan to get back into her career and switch roles, even if it comes at a quality of life hit. I can near guarantee what her choice would be, though.

[Hollyj]

Maybe she wants to romanced by her husband and spend time with him but she can’t figure out how to say that . Lots of people get stuck in the role of parent and lose them selves . I could never have a sitter. My son was only ever looked after by my mom and that was while I was at work she was not going to babysit for other stuff when she had done it all day . And I could not leave him on his own until he was about 15/16. That’s when my husband and I finally got to have dates again . When you’re stuck in that role of parent you don’t even realize what you’re missing . That you’re missing the couple until you get to be that again .

 

He has a good job and can afford a housekeeper. They should look into a nanny or at least a sitter.She needs to speak up and stop being passive aggressive.