Advice about snooping and finding more than I bargained for

[figureitout23]

This is really serious.

 

Drug use, strippers, possible cheating, etc. It's not small stuff and I think you are right, it can't be fixed.

 

Pleas be careful how you go about this. You say on the surface he is a good husband, etc, but that isn't the truth, he has been living a double lifestyle and it sounds like something you really need to be careful with.

 

I think personally I would go stay with my parents for the time being, figure out with your Dad what you will do about the house and in the meantime let your husband know that you are moving forward with a divorce and that he will need to find somewhere else to live.

 

I agree with this, infact the excuses ( he’s a good man) while are understandable after 10 years of marriage, really attempt to minimize just how very serious all this is.

 

This is dangerous, get out!

[katrina1980]

OP, I touched on this earlier on a different thread but I experienced the same exact thing, with an ex, minus the snooping.

 

I did not have to snoop, I have a very strong intution, and just knew. Just like I suspect a huge part of you knew too, which is precisely why you snooped in the first place.

 

I did confront him with my suspicions, not with accusations, not aggressively, but respectfully and calmly. My goal was the truth and understanding.

 

He was very open, honest and responsive when I confronted in that way and told me everything. He denied cheating, but heck there was so much toxicity from everything else (meth, cocaine, the lying, overall deception) that my suspicions about cheating seemed almost minor in comparison.

 

Par for the course if you will due to his severe drug and alcohol abuse/addiction (including I suspected a sex addiction) and the overall dysfunction of our relationship at that point.

 

I did leave, temporarily. I left him a note and stayed with a friend for a few days. Told him I was not coming back unless and until he went into rehab.

 

He got the note, came for me and promised rehab.

 

So I went back only to have him start using again, this time worse!

 

So I left for good!! We were living together (engaged to be married actually) but I got my own place, and moved out.

 

Never went back.

 

Worthy of note, it was after I left that he finally went into rehab for six months.

 

Got clean and wanted to get back together but it was too late for me, trust was lost, forever

 

My advice is to NOT tell him you snooped for reasons others posted, in his state of mind he may get aggressive and it's not safe.

 

Instead, calmly, in a non-accusatory way, talk with him about the changes you have noticed in his behaviour, the decline of your relationship, etc -- give him an opportunity to be honest and open with you re what's happening without your admitting that you invaded his privacy by snooping.

 

Cause I can almost guarantee him knowing that you snooped will not go down well and there is every chance he may flip it back on you for snooping versus confronting his own, very serious issues, that are destroying your RL.

 

If he is open to rehab, and sticks with it, you may have a chance.

 

If not. Leave. And never look back.

 

I'm so sorry and I wish you the best of luck.

[cornucopia]

OP, I touched on this earlier on a different thread but I experienced the same exact thing, with an ex, minus the snooping.

 

I did not have to snoop, I have a very strong intution, and just knew. Just like I suspect a huge part of you knew too, which is precisely why you snooped in the first place.

 

I did confront him with my suspicions, not with accusations, not aggressively, but respectfully and calmly. My goal was the truth and understanding.

 

He was very open, honest and responsive when I confronted in that way and told me everything. He denied cheating, but heck there was so much toxicity from everything else (meth, cocaine, the lying, overall deception) that my suspicions about cheating seemed almost minor in comparison.

 

Par for the course if you will due to his severe drug and alcohol abuse/addiction (including I suspected a sex addiction) and the overall dysfunction of our relationship at that point.

 

I did leave, temporarily. I left him a note and stayed with a friend for a few days. Told him I was not coming back unless and until he went into rehab.

 

He got the note, came for me and promised rehab.

 

So I went back only to have him start using again, this time worse!

 

So I left for good!! We were living together (engaged to be married actually) but I got my own place, and moved out.

 

Never went back.

 

Worthy of note, it was after I left that he finally went into rehab for six months.

 

Got clean and wanted to get back together but it was too late for me, trust was lost, forever

 

My advice is to NOT tell him you snooped for reasons others posted, in his state of mind he may get aggressive and it's not safe.

 

Instead, calmly, in a non-accusatory way, talk with him about the changes you have noticed in his behaviour, the decline of your relationship, etc -- give him an opportunity to be honest and open with you re what's happening without your admitting that you invaded his privacy by snooping.

 

Cause I can almost guarantee him knowing that you snooped will not go down well and there is every chance he may flip it back on you for snooping versus confronting his own, very serious issues, that are destroying your RL.

 

If he is open to rehab, and sticks with it, you may have a chance.

 

If not. Leave. And never look back.

 

I'm so sorry and I wish you the best of luck.

 

 

Wow thank you so much for sharing. It gives me hope that in your story he actually seemed to listen and didn't get mad. You are correct that I had some suspicions about the other stuff if I am being honest with myself and that is how I justified the snooping in that particular moment most likely. I am considering the friend or family option for a temporary place to stay but I am so private I get anxiety thinking of anyone knowing what is going on. (I see the irony of posting on a public forum online). Thanks again for your thoughts and advice. I am considering your idea of bringing it up and leaving out the snooping but I fear he will pressure me / deny so much that I may have no choice but to admit that only to get him to actually face what I am saying.

[cornucopia]

He is also mocking what you don’t know to his buddies. It is time to go .

 

Get a lawyer. Take pics of all evidence. Don’t confront.

 

Thanks for the advice. I have started searching lawyers and I actually did take phone screen shots because I know that without the evidence he would have denied until somehow I believed that I didn't see what I thought I saw. Also helps to look at it again when I find myself thinking I can just pretend I didn't see it and live in denial. Having the evidence gives me some strength back to do take control of my life - once I get the courage and figure out a plan. Thanks again.

[Gary Snyder]

OP, I touched on this earlier on a different thread but I experienced the same exact thing, with an ex, minus the snooping.

 

I did not have to snoop, I have a very strong intution, and just knew. Just like I suspect a huge part of you knew too, which is precisely why you snooped in the first place.

 

I did confront him with my suspicions, not with accusations, not aggressively, but respectfully and calmly. My goal was the truth and understanding.

 

He was very open, honest and responsive when I confronted in that way and told me everything. He denied cheating, but heck there was so much toxicity from everything else (meth, cocaine, the lying, overall deception) that my suspicions about cheating seemed almost minor in comparison.

 

Par for the course if you will due to his severe drug and alcohol abuse/addiction (including I suspected a sex addiction) and the overall dysfunction of our relationship at that point.

 

I did leave, temporarily. I left him a note and stayed with a friend for a few days. Told him I was not coming back unless and until he went into rehab.

 

He got the note, came for me and promised rehab.

 

So I went back only to have him start using again, this time worse!

 

So I left for good!! We were living together (engaged to be married actually) but I got my own place, and moved out.

 

Never went back.

 

Worthy of note, it was after I left that he finally went into rehab for six months.

 

Got clean and wanted to get back together but it was too late for me, trust was lost, forever

 

My advice is to NOT tell him you snooped for reasons others posted, in his state of mind he may get aggressive and it's not safe.

 

Instead, calmly, in a non-accusatory way, talk with him about the changes you have noticed in his behaviour, the decline of your relationship, etc -- give him an opportunity to be honest and open with you re what's happening without your admitting that you invaded his privacy by snooping.

 

Cause I can almost guarantee him knowing that you snooped will not go down well and there is every chance he may flip it back on you for snooping versus confronting his own, very serious issues, that are destroying your RL.

 

If he is open to rehab, and sticks with it, you may have a chance.

 

If not. Leave. And never look back.

 

I'm so sorry and I wish you the best of luck.

 

- good story. Yes, sometimes it works out like this and you have no choice but to breakup/divorce. You did all you could.

[goddess]

He is also mocking what you don’t know to his buddies. It is time to go .

 

Get a lawyer. Take pics of all evidence. Don’t confront.

 

Like Seraphim mentioned "he is also mocking what you don’t know to his buddies." Heck, that is so disrespectful. IMO, that's making fun of you (sorry). That's simply not right nor is it acceptable. You give him more credit than he deserves, OP. Stop putting him on a pedestal. As one of the posters said, he's been living a double life. You said at the beginning that you suspected that something was not right and that's what lead you to snooping. Do NOT, under any circumstances, ever tell him that you snooped; it will not go well, especially with someone who is on roids and drugs.

[goddess]

OP, I touched on this earlier on a different thread but I experienced the same exact thing, with an ex, minus the snooping.

 

I did not have to snoop, I have a very strong intution, and just knew. Just like I suspect a huge part of you knew too, which is precisely why you snooped in the first place.

 

I did confront him with my suspicions, not with accusations, not aggressively, but respectfully and calmly. My goal was the truth and understanding.

 

He was very open, honest and responsive when I confronted in that way and told me everything. He denied cheating, but heck there was so much toxicity from everything else (meth, cocaine, the lying, overall deception) that my suspicions about cheating seemed almost minor in comparison.

 

Par for the course if you will due to his severe drug and alcohol abuse/addiction (including I suspected a sex addiction) and the overall dysfunction of our relationship at that point.

 

I did leave, temporarily. I left him a note and stayed with a friend for a few days. Told him I was not coming back unless and until he went into rehab.

 

He got the note, came for me and promised rehab.

 

So I went back only to have him start using again, this time worse!

 

So I left for good!! We were living together (engaged to be married actually) but I got my own place, and moved out.

 

Never went back.

 

Worthy of note, it was after I left that he finally went into rehab for six months.

 

Got clean and wanted to get back together but it was too late for me, trust was lost, forever

 

My advice is to NOT tell him you snooped for reasons others posted, in his state of mind he may get aggressive and it's not safe.

 

Instead, calmly, in a non-accusatory way, talk with him about the changes you have noticed in his behaviour, the decline of your relationship, etc -- give him an opportunity to be honest and open with you re what's happening without your admitting that you invaded his privacy by snooping.

 

Cause I can almost guarantee him knowing that you snooped will not go down well and there is every chance he may flip it back on you for snooping versus confronting his own, very serious issues, that are destroying your RL.

 

If he is open to rehab, and sticks with it, you may have a chance.

 

If not. Leave. And never look back.

 

I'm so sorry and I wish you the best of luck.

 

"Instead, calmly, in a non-accusatory way, talk with him about the changes you have noticed in his behaviour, the decline of your relationship, etc -- give him an opportunity to be honest and open with you re what's happening without your admitting that you invaded his privacy by snooping." IMO, this is extremely sound advice.

[katrina1980]

Wow thank you so much for sharing. It gives me hope that in your story he actually seemed to listen and didn't get mad. You are correct that I had some suspicions about the other stuff if I am being honest with myself and that is how I justified the snooping in that particular moment most likely. I am considering the friend or family option for a temporary place to stay but I am so private I get anxiety thinking of anyone knowing what is going on. (I see the irony of posting on a public forum online). Thanks again for your thoughts and advice. I am considering your idea of bringing it up and leaving out the snooping but I fear he will pressure me / deny so much that I may have no choice but to admit that only to get him to actually face what I am saying.

 

It's all in the way you choose to confront. Calmly, rationally, non-accusatory. Just let him know your concerns and that you're worried about him, and your relationship.

 

IF he gets defensive or aggressive and starts flipping it on you for any reason, end the conversation immediately.

 

Calmly pack some things and leave.

[shellyf62]

It's all in the way you choose to confront. Calmly, rationally, non-accusatory. Just let him know your concerns and that you're worried about him, and your relationship.

 

IF he gets defensive or aggressive and starts flipping it on you for any reason, end the conversation immediately.

 

Calmly pack some things and leave.

 

Great idea, but I would have already packed some things and put them in the boot of the car without him seeing. Have your car keys very close & leave if he starts to get aggressive.

[bluecastle]

I'm a big believer that snooping—more even than cheating—is the death knell of a relationship. What leads someone to snoop is generally either unchecked paranoia or insecurity (an early snooper) or an inability to keep denying that they're living in a house of cards (a later snooper, like you). Neither speak to sustainability, especially the latter, and especially when you come across the sort of stuff you've come across.

 

What's done is done and honestly? It's really hard for me to find a single reason to respond to what you found with anything but letting this go and moving on. Even while referencing him as a good-on-the-surface husband, you've made references to being gaslit during conflict—icky stuff, that. Now drugs, roids, blatant disrespect to you, and a way of being with the "boys" that (a "boy" myself) is just so far from cool it makes my skin crawl.

 

This is who he is, character stuff. Remove the drugs etc. and you still have someone who sounds, I'm sorry, like an a$$. A sexy one, sure, with some sweet and likable qualities. But dig a little deeper and you get an a$$. I suspect you're instinct to snoop was connected to a little voice that has been in your head for maybe longer than you'd like to acknowledge, one asking if you are married to an a$$. Now you have an answer, undeniable.

 

I don't, for the record, think all this means your marriage was a "lie." Good times, closeness, and so on—all that is real, even if some denial was needed to access it, let it expand. Still, it sounds like things have been sour for some time, that you've felt like something critical was missing for some time. Like, let's say you snooped and found nothing, or next to nothing: I'm not sure that would have been very soothing, since you'd still be feeling whatever it was you were feeling that led you to snoop. Some deep core doubt about this whole union, about your husband's fundamental character.

 

Now, knowing what we know, let's explore the absolute best case scenario here. You have a calm talk, and he's receptive. He gets clean, a months-long process, if not longer, of being on eggshells, wondering if and when that shoe will drop again. He goes to therapy, alone, with you, both—also a months/years-long process that is anything but a linear path to a higher self. In other words, it means committing to a few years of very intense, exhausting, soul-challenging "work"—work that only, well, works if you are both totally on board with it and where the best case outcome is, essentially, being in a decent-ish marriage in 2021 to someone who is maybe just not that great a dude, deep down.

 

You, on the other hand, sound pretty great. Smart, forgiving, with a killer career. All that is you, your own precious resources. Not sure this is the man to keep spending them on. In your shoes I'd be priming for the exit, or at least taking a real hard look at whether this guy at his best is even at your level. I'm not sure he is, and I'm really not sure the path toward figuring that out is one worth exploring.

[cornucopia]

I'm a big believer that snooping—more even than cheating—is the death knell of a relationship. What leads someone to snoop is generally either unchecked paranoia or insecurity (an early snooper) or an inability to keep denying that they're living in a house of cards (a later snooper, like you). Neither speak to sustainability, especially the latter, and especially when you come across the sort of stuff you've come across.

 

What's done is done and honestly? It's really hard for me to find a single reason to respond to what you found with anything but letting this go and moving on. Even while referencing him as a good-on-the-surface husband, you've made references to being gaslit during conflict—icky stuff, that. Now drugs, roids, blatant disrespect to you, and a way of being with the "boys" that (a "boy" myself) is just so far from cool it makes my skin crawl.

 

This is who he is, character stuff. Remove the drugs etc. and you still have someone who sounds, I'm sorry, like an a$$. A sexy one, sure, with some sweet and likable qualities. But dig a little deeper and you get an a$$. I suspect you're instinct to snoop was connected to a little voice that has been in your head for maybe longer than you'd like to acknowledge, one asking if you are married to an a$$. Now you have an answer, undeniable.

 

I don't, for the record, think all this means your marriage was a "lie." Good times, closeness, and so on—all that is real, even if some denial was needed to access it, let it expand. Still, it sounds like things have been sour for some time, that you've felt like something critical was missing for some time. Like, let's say you snooped and found nothing, or next to nothing: I'm not sure that would have been very soothing, since you'd still be feeling whatever it was you were feeling that led you to snoop. Some deep core doubt about this whole union, about your husband's fundamental character.

 

Now, knowing what we know, let's explore the absolute best case scenario here. You have a calm talk, and he's receptive. He gets clean, a months-long process, if not longer, of being on eggshells, wondering if and when that shoe will drop again. He goes to therapy, alone, with you, both—also a months/years-long process that is anything but a linear path to a higher self. In other words, it means committing to a few years of very intense, exhausting, soul-challenging "work"—work that only, well, works if you are both totally on board with it and where the best case outcome is, essentially, being in a decent-ish marriage in 2021 to someone who is maybe just not that great a dude, deep down.

 

You, on the other hand, sound pretty great. Smart, forgiving, with a killer career. All that is you, your own precious resources. Not sure this is the man to keep spending them on. In your shoes I'd be priming for the exit, or at least taking a real hard look at whether this guy at his best is even at your level. I'm not sure he is, and I'm really not sure the path toward figuring that out is one worth exploring.

 

I like your breakdown of the types of snooping. Gave me a little chuckle during this crappy time. I am indeed a "later snooper" and it crossed my mind mid-snoop that I have hit rock bottom and the fact that I was doing that was bad enough in and of itself. I actually - in writing the "notes" about my feelings as another user suggested - added that to my list that I realized it was probably over at that moment regardless of what I found. Your breakdown of best case scenario hit me like a pile of bricks because that was sort of what I contemplated when doing my calculations on possible outcomes and sometimes it just helps to hear someone else says it. Thank you for your opinion and your reality check. I truly appreciate your taking the time to give me your perspective.

[cornucopia]

Great idea, but I would have already packed some things and put them in the boot of the car without him seeing. Have your car keys very close & leave if he starts to get aggressive.

 

Very good ideas. I will probably do that as a hopefully-not-needed precaution. I tend to be an over-planner anyway and I can easily do this without raising any suspicion. Thanks.

[cornucopia]

"Instead, calmly, in a non-accusatory way, talk with him about the changes you have noticed in his behaviour, the decline of your relationship, etc -- give him an opportunity to be honest and open with you re what's happening without your admitting that you invaded his privacy by snooping." IMO, this is extremely sound advice.

 

Thanks. I appreciate you telling me how disrespectful his words were towards me. It is easy to forget this and it is helpful to have someone put it in plain English like that. (also why I keep re-reading what I found to keep me angry). I have started drafting a letter so that I can read from it and make all of my main points without messing up. See how he reacts. I think I will only resort to letting him know about the snooping if he continues to gaslight me and make me feel crazy for having my concerns maybe. Still working it out.....and trying to plan.... but writing about it and having these chats (from you and others on this thread) have been the most comforting thing that has happened since I discovered this stuff. Thank you again.

[LDJ]

The thing about snooping is that it usually is the result of deep seated, on going suspicion, which can actually be subconscious. If we trust our partner completely we don't take advantage of the opportunity to snoop, we are not of the mindset to wonder because we have not entertained any doubt. If when you confront him he tries to gaslight this into you being the bad guy, just acknowledge you role and wrong doing, apologize for that and then steer the conversation right back to his wrong doing.

 

I also would not make much out of the fact that you did not find evidence of cheating. What you have here, based on what you discovered is a guy who is using steroids behind your back, using coke behind your back and is running around to strip clubs and hanging out with strippers and is has multiple porn accounts, also behind your back. Considering all of this, what are the odds that monogamy is high on his list of values??? Does it even matter? Assuming there has been no infidelity does that save the day? You are dealing with multiple layers of dishonesty. How are things financially? How is he funding his "alternate" lifestyle?

 

You have found enough to totally obliterate all trust which is something critical to the survival of a relationship. The only hope I see here to salvage this would be a separation and a big appeal from him to you to consider a plan he devises to bring back your faith in him. You have found too much to "get over" if you stay in this marriage you will be driven to distraction on a daily basis by the doubt, the checking, the exhaustion of all that and the resentment that will settle in because you feel you have to do that, it would be a miserable existence.

[goddess]

Thanks. I appreciate you telling me how disrespectful his words were towards me. It is easy to forget this and it is helpful to have someone put it in plain English like that. (also why I keep re-reading what I found to keep me angry). I have started drafting a letter so that I can read from it and make all of my main points without messing up. See how he reacts. I think I will only resort to letting him know about the snooping if he continues to gaslight me and make me feel crazy for having my concerns maybe. Still working it out.....and trying to plan.... but writing about it and having these chats (from you and others on this thread) have been the most comforting thing that has happened since I discovered this stuff. Thank you again.

 

I cringed reading those words (how he was mocking you). I was in a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage for 29 years (now divorced). The first couple f years were good. Breaking up is so very hard (he wanted a divorce) but why stay in a relationship where the foundation is crumbling? Are you truly willing to continue this now toxic relationship? I put up with his sh*t for years and, although I am still hurting, a good part of me feels relief to not be subjected to his abuse and disrespect. Like you, I also focused on all the bad, and there was quite a bit of it IMO. Yes, there were good times, don't get me wrong. The the bad tainted the relationship. Focusing on the bad stuff helped me get through those very dark and agonising days. I am not advising you to get divorced necessarily but do ask questions and see how he reacts but NEVER say you snooped. I will say, however, that if I were in your shoes, I would leave. He broke your trust and I don't know if you can ever recover from that. The best of luck to you, dear OP. xx

[RayofLighten]

- It's tough love. It sounds controversial on the surface. It's what some people who are naturally great at relationships have done in the past to save their relationships (either that, or leaving the person for a period of time). Think about it - if your relationship was on the rocks and you partner is mistreating you, don't you tend to naturally withdraw and give them the cold shoulder? When your relationship is near the breaking point, why not try to save it, if there is still some love left? - sometimes, trust and love can be rebuilt.

 

That said, I do recommend talking and counseling first - but by the time people start a thread on this board, often, they have already exhausted all other avenues - so tough love is the final tool left in the relationship fixing tool box.

 

Additionally, some of these people have kids - and I hate to see more broken homes and bastard children.

 

Gary has used the exact same advice in another thread. It's not good advice at all and makes things a whole lot worse. The issue here is nothing to do with sex so I don't know why he would advice something like this.

[RayofLighten]

These are all the things i agree with, gather all the evidence you can (that means all his emails and all the evidence of his drug use). Confide in someone because you will need some support and back up. You need to confront him about everything but don't do it alone. Have a person or 2 there with you for safety because yes, your right that he's not going to like it. But his behavior needs to be addressed and you need some back up support. Your snooping is justified because he left it all there open on the computer so this is mostly his own fault. I know this is not something you don't want to hear but it sounds like he's definitely not apposed to cheating and there is a high chance that he has done just that.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Ask him to leave. Get to a therapist privately and confidentially immediately. Do not tell him. Tell him you are "confused" and ask him to leave. Do not confront someone on drugs associated with violence.

 

Then see an attorney about your options in the event of divorce. Cocaine and steroids are no laughing matter and such a person should not be in your house. That is combined with his wasting money on this, illegal drug use/in the house and leading a secretive double life.

 

You need to get your head out of the sand and talk to professionals. Your private doctor, a therapist, an attorney. Do this all without his knowledge. Check all your financial records. Were there are drugs there is money being spent. Credit reports, credit cards, bank accounts, etc. Change all your passcodes and sever financial accounts as much as possible without his knowledge.

it is my house. I would have said he'd never be dangerous but apparently I don't know what I think I know. Appreciate our thoughts. I am still considering this option.

[cornucopia]

The thing about snooping is that it usually is the result of deep seated, on going suspicion, which can actually be subconscious. If we trust our partner completely we don't take advantage of the opportunity to snoop, we are not of the mindset to wonder because we have not entertained any doubt. If when you confront him he tries to gaslight this into you being the bad guy, just acknowledge you role and wrong doing, apologize for that and then steer the conversation right back to his wrong doing.

 

I also would not make much out of the fact that you did not find evidence of cheating. What you have here, based on what you discovered is a guy who is using steroids behind your back, using coke behind your back and is running around to strip clubs and hanging out with strippers and is has multiple porn accounts, also behind your back. Considering all of this, what are the odds that monogamy is high on his list of values??? Does it even matter? Assuming there has been no infidelity does that save the day? You are dealing with multiple layers of dishonesty. How are things financially? How is he funding his "alternate" lifestyle?

 

You have found enough to totally obliterate all trust which is something critical to the survival of a relationship. The only hope I see here to salvage this would be a separation and a big appeal from him to you to consider a plan he devises to bring back your faith in him. You have found too much to "get over" if you stay in this marriage you will be driven to distraction on a daily basis by the doubt, the checking, the exhaustion of all that and the resentment that will settle in because you feel you have to do that, it would be a miserable existence.

 

Thank you for your advice. It is true that without the cheating it is bad enough and I am keeping that in mind as I make my plans and my brain tries to get me to switch gears. He funds the alternate lifestyle w/ his money because he doesn't pay mortgage or many other things. He has separate credit cards and bank accounts. This was my idea from the get-go because I don't believe in sharing money or credit cards or the title of my family home - even with a husband. I know that is not normal but I was young and controlling about finances. I wanted to be a strong woman with my own separate house, separate account, and own money so that I could be alone if I had to. I thought I was protecting myself but turned out all it did was allow me to be kept in the dark about a lot of things and possibly be taken advantage of. You're right about the mental distraction too - I have a very sensitive career and folks are already noticing my distraction and it is not good and would only get worse if I continue. I don't want the miserable existence we both know will happen if I choose to ignore this. Thanks again. Helps to talk it out.

[DancingFool]

The hardest part about this is accepting that this is as bad as it looks and not making any excuses for him. The bad crowd didn't make him bad. He sought out the bad crowd because that is who he is and what resonates with him.

 

Important to note is that he is leading a very cushy life supported by you and he thinks you are a fool (because he is leading this double life right under your nose), so please please do be extremely careful and protect yourself because he is liable to become very very nasty when you threaten his lifestyle and expose him for the low life he is even if just privately between you two. Drugs, roids, hyper focused on himself and his looks/persona usually go hand in hand with personality disorders and these individuals can put up a very nice front, but once exposed, can be dangerous and violent.

 

Please copy all the information you can and keep it safe and keep multiple copies in multiple locations. Please go talk to the best divorce lawyer in town and be sure you include your family into what's going on. Don't be surprised if they don't believe you, be prepared to show them. Understand that this isn't about you so much as the image he has built with them and it's very difficult for people to admit that they've been duped. You are struggling with the same and you've been exposed and had time to digest longer than anyone else.

 

Before you talk, before you leave or ask him to leave, please talk to a lawyer first. In some states, you leaving or kicking him out can be held against you. So be sure you are staying carefully on the right side of the law.

 

Do not expect or even hope for him to break down in tears and apologies and promises to fix himself. The deep duplicity and disrespect toward you doesn't speak to a person who has a conscience, more just a user and a pretender. Understand above all that a decent man will not seek out or tolerate that kind of a company and that kind of locker room talk. A good guy will distance himself away from that. Remember that we choose our friends by who we are.

[redswim30]

Thank you for your advice. It is true that without the cheating it is bad enough and I am keeping that in mind as I make my plans and my brain tries to get me to switch gears. He funds the alternate lifestyle w/ his money because he doesn't pay mortgage or many other things. He has separate credit cards and bank accounts. This was my idea from the get-go because I don't believe in sharing money or credit cards or the title of my family home - even with a husband. I don't want the miserable existence we both know will happen if I choose to ignore this. Thanks again. Helps to talk it out.

 

Please, please protect yourself first and foremost. Everything else is secondary. Normally, I don't condone snooping. BUT, in a case where someone is denying something that may impact yours or their safety, it is justifiable- to me, anyway.

 

Please do NOT blame yourself with the financial stuff. In my first marriage, we shared everything- and he was still secretive and subversive with money and found ways to lie to me about what he was spending on and how much. In my current marriage, our money is separate. He has never done anything untoward and we discuss everything. Do NOT blame your decision or the circumstance for his bad behavior. If someone wants to behave badly, they will do it regardless of the circumstances.

 

The first thing you need to do is set up protections. You are going to have to tell people. Their first thoughts should be about your safety and not about blame or "how things seemed". People thought my first marriage was "perfect" too. Appearances can be deceiving and no one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. Most married people know this. Even in GREAT marriages, nobody is privy to all the information and struggles, etc.

 

I don't think you are crazy for jumping to divorce. Addiction is a serious problem, and it sounds like there are several present besides the drugs- Lying, possible cheating, secrecy. You should start consulting with a lawyer and your family to start with. Whatever you do, do not tell him alone without both physical and emotional protection. Now's the time to prepare yourself. I am so sorry you are going thru this. *HUGS*

[cornucopia]

Please, please protect yourself first and foremost. Everything else is secondary. Normally, I don't condone snooping. BUT, in a case where someone is denying something that may impact yours or their safety, it is justifiable- to me, anyway.

 

Please do NOT blame yourself with the financial stuff. In my first marriage, we shared everything- and he was still secretive and subversive with money and found ways to lie to me about what he was spending on and how much. In my current marriage, our money is separate. He has never done anything untoward and we discuss everything. Do NOT blame your decision or the circumstance for his bad behavior. If someone wants to behave badly, they will do it regardless of the circumstances.

 

The first thing you need to do is set up protections. You are going to have to tell people. Their first thoughts should be about your safety and not about blame or "how things seemed". People thought my first marriage was "perfect" too. Appearances can be deceiving and no one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. Most married people know this. Even in GREAT marriages, nobody is privy to all the information and struggles, etc.

 

I don't think you are crazy for jumping to divorce. Addiction is a serious problem, and it sounds like there are several present besides the drugs- Lying, possible cheating, secrecy. You should start consulting with a lawyer and your family to start with. Whatever you do, do not tell him alone without both physical and emotional protection. Now's the time to prepare yourself. I am so sorry you are going thru this. *HUGS*

 

Thank you so much for your advice and the hugs. I especially appreciate your opinion/ reminders that he is accountable for his behavior. I can tell from others who commented and other stories that many people in my situation (in an attempt to make sense of it all) tend to find ways to blame themselves. It gives me a boost of confidence when I am reminded that he is responsible for his actions.

[cornucopia]

Since I put this story out here and got so much great advice I wanted to also share an update. I did meet with a divorce lawyer (per many people's advice) and have brought up everything with my therapist (I had previously not told her everything). Those two steps have been helpful and I am also writing out my letter that I will read when I confront him. I am taking my time because I want to be smart. I feel like acting too quickly could make me make mistakes. I also told one of my best friends so that at least one other person would know what was going on who I could turn to immediately if I need support. So I am lining up things as best I can. I know the hell of this situation is still to come....

 

Thanks everyone for your advice and support and I will continue to update when there is an update. Even if no-one is reading anymore it is cathartic for me to write this stuff out.

[cornucopia]

The hardest part about this is accepting that this is as bad as it looks and not making any excuses for him. The bad crowd didn't make him bad. He sought out the bad crowd because that is who he is and what resonates with him.

 

Important to note is that he is leading a very cushy life supported by you and he thinks you are a fool (because he is leading this double life right under your nose), so please please do be extremely careful and protect yourself because he is liable to become very very nasty when you threaten his lifestyle and expose him for the low life he is even if just privately between you two. Drugs, roids, hyper focused on himself and his looks/persona usually go hand in hand with personality disorders and these individuals can put up a very nice front, but once exposed, can be dangerous and violent.

 

Please copy all the information you can and keep it safe and keep multiple copies in multiple locations. Please go talk to the best divorce lawyer in town and be sure you include your family into what's going on. Don't be surprised if they don't believe you, be prepared to show them. Understand that this isn't about you so much as the image he has built with them and it's very difficult for people to admit that they've been duped. You are struggling with the same and you've been exposed and had time to digest longer than anyone else.

 

Before you talk, before you leave or ask him to leave, please talk to a lawyer first. In some states, you leaving or kicking him out can be held against you. So be sure you are staying carefully on the right side of the law.

 

Do not expect or even hope for him to break down in tears and apologies and promises to fix himself. The deep duplicity and disrespect toward you doesn't speak to a person who has a conscience, more just a user and a pretender. Understand above all that a decent man will not seek out or tolerate that kind of a company and that kind of locker room talk. A good guy will distance himself away from that. Remember that we choose our friends by who we are.

 

Thanks. After reading your and other peoples' advice I did talk to a lawyer. I did make copies of the information as well. I am worried about what you mentioned - him reacting to my threatening his lifestyle - so I am actually planning to be very nice about this as possible (even if it is a front) to hopefully get his guard down. If he breaks down like you mentioned - I would say it is a miracle but it wouldn't work on me. It would be impossible to believe someone who is capable of pulling the wool over my eyes for that many years. Plus I am not old by any means but I am 37 and also don't want to waste my more time on this when I think we all know how it will eventually turn out. Again - thank you I appreciate your taking the time to give me thoughtful advice.

[cornucopia]

Update: Last night he got home late and was being sort of dismissive about how I was annoyed that he was late and ignored my texts. He stonewalled me and started flipping through the TV as I asked for an apology. This made me so angry I said "do you even want to be here?" and he said "yes of course" and got upset and asked why I said that. I started physically shaking and he could tell something was wrong. I don't know what came over me but I couldn't hold it in anymore. I told him how I know he isn't happy because he hides so much from me. He said "like what" and I listed the cocaine, steroids, and the strippers. He started laughing and asked what the hell I was talking about. I told him that I have suspected for a long time and I know he is doing those things. He said that he wasn't and asked what the hell is going on with me.

 

I then was so frustrated with his laughing and being rude about it that I told him about the messages I saw. He then laughed some more and told me that those were jokes and he and his friends just joke like that. He admitted to doing coke a couple of times but that's it. He admitted that he tried human growth hormone but not steroids and that he isn't doing it anymore anyway. I told him I saw the conversations and I know he is lying. Despite me saying I saw the conversations he maintains that it isn't true and that whatever I did see was jokes. He swore on our dogs life that it wasn't true.

 

He was mad about the snooping but not as mad as I thought he would be. He called me a hypocrite because if he had snooped on me I would be furious. Then he started accusing me of hiding things and brought up instances from over 10-15 years ago of things I did wrong or things he still thinks I lied about. He believes I cheated on him 15 years ago. I did have feelings for someone and I admitted that but I didn't cheat on him nor ever get physically involved with that person. just texts and then we went separate ways. But the conversation turned into that. He then got upset with me because he said that when I come home from work he sees that I wear tight pants with shape wear underneath to look curvier but when I get home I take it off to hide it from him. This is true - I do wear shape wear occasionally and I do take it off when I get home because I was embarrassed for him to know. He puts his hands on me and I know he would feel it. I was embarrassed that he brought this up because he obviously knew about it despite my hiding it. I am in very good shape physically but insecure still. I make him turn off the lights when my clothes are off because I am insecure.

 

He then said that he can't believe I am doing this to our relationship and he should have known I would. He said that everything he's ever done is for me and that it is never enough. He then stopped talking and refused to talk more. I tried but he kept ignoring me and said he was sleeping in the spare bedroom. He ignored me all night and all morning and told me that he doesn't want to talk to me when I try to press. We had some plans today and he said they are canceled.

 

He keeps repeating how disappointed he is in me. He is disappointed in me and sad that I have done this. He says he has done nothing wrong but tell some bad jokes with friends and he can't believe this. He said now that he's had overnight to think about it he is even more mad about the snooping and that he could read all my emails and texts if he wanted to.

 

As he walked out this morning (to go to a class he has to go to) he said that he doesn't want to talk about this anymore and he needs time alone and my pressing him to talk is only making him more mad at me. I asked why he is mad at me - we should be able to talk this out like adults. He just laughed and walked out.

 

So that is where I am now. Devastated, sick, confused. Not sure what he is thinking. Not sure what to do. I didn't tell him I took pictures of the messages. I don't believe that everything was just a joke but I have no way of proving that. I want him to talk to me but he is refusing.