Dating &Business mixing

[abitbroken]

Could it possibly be if the relatonship is not working out or there are problems, that even subconciously, you want to work with him to be "needed" or to hang on in some way so he won't let you go?

[katrina1980]

I think there is a big difference between working "with" your bf (as co-workers) and working "for" your boyfriend in an employee/employer situation -- him being your direct superior, your boss, who has control over your job duties, your workload, your schedule, your performance evaluations, your salary including salary increases, etc.

 

I know couples who work "with" each other too, as co-workers, and it works.

 

Mandee, I have to ask, does the idea of working "for" him, him being your direct superior, your boss, turn you on?

 

Your previous threads have suggested a power imbalance in your relationship, him dom, you sub.

 

On a long flight, him purchasing a ticket for you in coach while he enjoyed the luxuries of first class is one example, but there are many others.

 

Not judging at all, just wondering and asking -- if your wanting to work "under" him as his subordinate (which is what you'd be) is a turn on for you on some level.

 

Cause frankly I can't think of a more absurd idea, assumimg you want your relationship to last.

 

You said there are only 4-5 people in the whole company? How do you think your co-workers would feel knowing the boss's girlfriend is one of their co-workers?

 

The discomfort and possible resentment that might cause?

[abitbroken]

Could it possibly be if the relatonship is not working out or there are problems, that even subconciously, you want to work with him to be "needed" or to hang on in some way so he won't let you go?

 

The reason i say this is because i was guilty of this myself - of diving deeper into the business aspect when things were shaky the first time instead of just leaving because i felt it was a way i could prove my worth

[DancingFool]

The reason i say this is because i was guilty of this myself - of diving deeper into the business aspect when things were shaky the first time instead of just leaving because i felt it was a way i could prove my worth

 

I was wondering something similar. If the OP is looking to change careers as either a conscious or subconscious effort to become more of a part of his world and also to feel more like his equal. However, her endeavor is being firmly rebuffed. On the one hand I understand completely why he'd refuse to hire his SO, I wouldn't do it either. On the other hand, I wonder if he likes the imbalance and a bit of distance and so has zero desire for her to actually succeed in her quest. Not suggesting that he'd stand in her way, only that he won't lift a finger to help her either.

[boltnrun]

I was wondering something similar. If the OP is looking to change careers as either a conscious or subconscious effort to become more of a part of his world and also to feel more like his equal. However, her endeavor is being firmly rebuffed. On the one hand I understand completely why he'd refuse to hire his SO, I wouldn't do it either. On the other hand, I wonder if he likes the imbalance and a bit of distance and so has zero desire for her to actually succeed in her quest. Not suggesting that he'd stand in her way, only that he won't lift a finger to help her either.

 

According to the thread I linked previously, she wrote that he is basically contemptuous of her career and earning potential. If you look at Mandee's posting history, this relationship has been full of disrespect from the boyfriend's end. I think they only reason he would choose to hire her is to have the opportunity to put her down even more.

 

Mandee, I'm glad you are pursuing other jobs.

[tattoobunnie]

he won't lift a finger to help her either.

 

Yes!!! I find that if I can't help someone, I find others who can. Same with my husband - if he can't do it, he will connect them to someone who can.

[Hollyj]

I think it is a terrible idea.

 

What is the position?

 

Is this the same jerk you have been having numerous problems with?

[Hollyj]

Thanks for all your opinions so far and examples. I can see your point of view and how it could cause tension.

 

I am switching careers so I was seeing it as a good thing to try it out in my boyfriend's company. If it works well and the career path was for me, I'd go onto another company. I figured it was best to learn under him. He's a good boss. Before I fully commit to this field, I wanted to gain my skill there. And maybe it would be great and he'd see this as good.

 

He won't try it though. He's totally against it so I will continue to look for a job elsewhere. I'm applying for jobs in companies just like his and he knows.

 

He may be a good boss, but he is an awful bf.

[boltnrun]

Yes!!! I find that if I can't help someone, I find others who can. Same with my husband - if he can't do it, he will connect them to someone who can.

 

Yes, but you and your husband have a respectful, supportive relationship.

 

If I recall correctly, Mandee's boyfriend won't even drive to see her.

[Hollyj]

Yes, but you and your husband have a respectful, supportive relationship.

 

If I recall correctly, Mandee's boyfriend won't even drive to see her.

 

Yes. But, she continues to stick around.

[j.man]

Honestly, I'm taking all the previous threads with a grain of salt. I'd love if this guy could give an account of his side of things. I have no idea how badly he treats you where you genuinely expect him to single-handedly provide you the opportunity to circumvent all the effort it takes to successfully transition careers. And for pretty much exclusively for whose benefit when he could hire someone seasoned instead and with whom he wouldn't be potentially opening Pandora's Box of drama, were he looking to grow his staff at all?

[Annia]

Different things work for different people. My boyfriends dad and stepmom work together, and have done so the whole time they've been in business. All different configurations can work.

 

Bottom line is, OP's boyfriend gets to make the decision, not her.

 

Is one of them the boss of the other?

 

Yes, I agree that different things work for different people, I just wouldn't feel comfortable with my boyfriend being my boss and I feel that my co-workers would see me differently if my boyfriend was my boss. The dynamic would not very healthy I think, but of course there must be relationships where one is the direct boss of the other that work.

[Annia]

According to the thread I linked previously, she wrote that he is basically contemptuous of her career and earning potential. If you look at Mandee's posting history, this relationship has been full of disrespect from the boyfriend's end. I think they only reason he would choose to hire her is to have the opportunity to put her down even more.

 

Mandee, I'm glad you are pursuing other jobs.

 

Yes, according to her past threads he seems to see her as inferior and has been disrespecting her plenty of times/showing hostility towards her not being like he wants her to be or something like that.

[mandeelove]

The reason i say this is because i was guilty of this myself - of diving deeper into the business aspect when things were shaky the first time instead of just leaving because i felt it was a way i could prove my worth

I don't think that's one of my goals. I am in the midst of changing careers and he is in this field for many years. It's a way of getting my feet wet until I'm confident enough to know I like the field or any good at it. Plus he's a great teacher in the business aspect. I don't take offense to what you're suggesting but I def know spending every second together would hurt the relationship before it ever helped it. I think I'm going to look else where for work lol.

[abitbroken]

I don't think that's one of my goals. I am in the midst of changing careers and he is in this field for many years. It's a way of getting my feet wet until I'm confident enough to know I like the field or any good at it. Plus he's a great teacher in the business aspect. I don't take offense to what you're suggesting but I def know spending every second together would hurt the relationship before it ever helped it. I think I'm going to look else where for work lol.

 

I think instead you should ask him for suggestions of a mentor in the field, preferably a woman particularly if its not a female-dominated field or a fatherly sort of man (headed towards retirement soon or freshly retired). Or seek out networking opportunities on your own to see if its a good fit.

[mandeelove]

Yes!!! I find that if I can't help someone, I find others who can. Same with my husband - if he can't do it, he will connect them to someone who can.

Yes well I said that too. He has so many connections but hasn't reached out to anyone. However my brother is in a similiar field and I actually got them together to do business plenty of times. He doesn't reject that. He's all for it.

[mandeelove]

Honestly, I'm taking all the previous threads with a grain of salt. I'd love if this guy could give an account of his side of things. I have no idea how badly he treats you where you genuinely expect him to single-handedly provide you the opportunity to circumvent all the effort it takes to successfully transition careers. And for pretty much exclusively for whose benefit when he could hire someone seasoned instead and with whom he wouldn't be potentially opening Pandora's Box of drama, were he looking to grow his staff at all?

He is in need of 2 or 3 new employees and is finding people not qualified for the job so far. Since I'm applying to all similiar jobs , I just figured it would be good to start there. But I see the cons as well so I think I will let it go for now and look at other places.

[mandeelove]

Is one of them the boss of the other?

 

Yes, I agree that different things work for different people, I just wouldn't feel comfortable with my boyfriend being my boss and I feel that my co-workers would see me differently if my boyfriend was my boss. The dynamic would not very healthy I think, but of course there must be relationships where one is the direct boss of the other that work.

One of my boyfriend's friends in the same line of work, had his wife as book keeper for years. She then became very interested in the career, got licensed and trained and opened up her own business. Now they are both doing it and very successful. Sometimes it could work. Sometimes it doesn't though.

[mandeelove]

Yes, according to her past threads he seems to see her as inferior and has been disrespecting her plenty of times/showing hostility towards her not being like he wants her to be or something like that.

Yes my career makes low pay and he believes I should be doing more with myself. He's a workaholic so expects everyone to be the same. We aren't seeing eye to eye there. But the career switch was my idea also. I want to earn more money for myself and my current career won't do that for me long term.

[mustlovedogs]

Yes my career makes low pay and he believes I should be doing more with myself. He's a workaholic so expects everyone to be the same. We aren't seeing eye to eye there. But the career switch was my idea also. I want to earn more money for myself and my current career won't do that for me long term.

 

Is it possible he thinks you won’t work hard enough? If he’s a workaholic and you’re not... I think that’s telling.

[Batya33]

Yes my career makes low pay and he believes I should be doing more with myself. He's a workaholic so expects everyone to be the same. We aren't seeing eye to eye there. But the career switch was my idea also. I want to earn more money for myself and my current career won't do that for me long term.

 

Yes, he probably questions your work ethic/ambition whether or not that is an accurate assessment and it's telling that you label him as a workaholic when in reality it might just be he works very hard and expects everyone who works with him to work very hard. If he is a workaholic in reality then how is it that you spend any time with him at all - isn't he always working? Also why would you want to work with someone you negatively label as a "workaholic"? How would that be a good situation for you? Just because you could make more $? Do you want to be a workaholic?

 

It's a bit after 7 here on a weekend morning. I work part time and used to work way more than full time for 15 years before I had a child. Now I also have my job doing most of the child care plus my part time job. Even though it's part time I plan to sit down to get work done in about 15 minutes from now. On a Saturday morning. Why? Because I have a project I'm working on and there's no deadline Monday but I'd like to give my results to my supervisors by Monday so they have it early and can get their work done earlier. I do this a lot. I also have taken their calls while I'm on a treadmill at 7am, etc and this is not a high pressure company at all -I handpicked it because it wasn't given my childcare responsibilities. And still I work a lot, I have a strong work ethic, I get very intense and stressed about my projects even though it's part time and a low stress environment. Am I a workaholic or just a hard worker/ambitious/want to do good work for them? When we go on vacation next month I will bring my work computer. My husband likely will bring some work to do too. My husband does make positive suggestions when I get overly stressed about work but he respects my work ethic and has for the 20 plus years I've known him. We met working in an extremely high stress company -he saw how stressed out I was. And he never called me a workaholic - he supported me in what I did and encouraged me to make changes as needed.

 

Be careful about your judgments/assessments about his work ethic/ working style especially if you ever want to work with him. He very well may be a workaholic and if that is true then it makes zero sense that you'd want to work with someone you don't admire. Calling someone a workaholic -especially how that label is thrown around so dismissively and inaccurately - means you are criticizing his approach to work. Why work for someone you don't respect/admire especially if you are switching jobs and learning new skills? He probably senses or knows how critical you are of his approach to work -so that might be one reason he chooses not to work with you. I wouldn't blame him.

[Wiseman2]

Did you offer to work for him to turn this remark back on him? Since you live at home, drive to him all the time, he doesn't support you, you are on/off, not engaged, living together, married, etc. who is he to remark on your income, education or career path?

Yes my career makes low pay and he believes I should be doing more with myself.

[Starlight925]

duplicate post - see below

[mandeelove]

Yes, he probably questions your work ethic/ambition whether or not that is an accurate assessment and it's telling that you label him as a workaholic when in reality it might just be he works very hard and expects everyone who works with him to work very hard. If he is a workaholic in reality then how is it that you spend any time with him at all - isn't he always working? Also why would you want to work with someone you negatively label as a "workaholic"? How would that be a good situation for you? Just because you could make more $? Do you want to be a workaholic?

 

It's a bit after 7 here on a weekend morning. I work part time and used to work way more than full time for 15 years before I had a child. Now I also have my job doing most of the child care plus my part time job. Even though it's part time I plan to sit down to get work done in about 15 minutes from now. On a Saturday morning. Why? Because I have a project I'm working on and there's no deadline Monday but I'd like to give my results to my supervisors by Monday so they have it early and can get their work done earlier. I do this a lot. I also have taken their calls while I'm on a treadmill at 7am, etc and this is not a high pressure company at all -I handpicked it because it wasn't given my childcare responsibilities. And still I work a lot, I have a strong work ethic, I get very intense and stressed about my projects even though it's part time and a low stress environment. Am I a workaholic or just a hard worker/ambitious/want to do good work for them? When we go on vacation next month I will bring my work computer. My husband likely will bring some work to do too. My husband does make positive suggestions when I get overly stressed about work but he respects my work ethic and has for the 20 plus years I've known him. We met working in an extremely high stress company -he saw how stressed out I was. And he never called me a workaholic - he supported me in what I did and encouraged me to make changes as needed.

 

Be careful about your judgments/assessments about his work ethic/ working style especially if you ever want to work with him. He very well may be a workaholic and if that is true then it makes zero sense that you'd want to work with someone you don't admire. Calling someone a workaholic -especially how that label is thrown around so dismissively and inaccurately - means you are criticizing his approach to work. Why work for someone you don't respect/admire especially if you are switching jobs and learning new skills? He probably senses or knows how critical you are of his approach to work -so that might be one reason he chooses not to work with you. I wouldn't blame him.

I'm not using that word negatively. I guess I shouldn't use it though because of how it's thrown around. But yes, we both work hard. However I have a work/life balance. I like to enjoy my time off etc. He doesn't. He doesn't stop working. Once something is done,he needs to start something else. If he takes a 2 day trip, he feels guilty,needs to get back to the office asap. Doesn't truly relax . He's all work, no play. And yes since he owns the business, he works 24/7 because there's networking involved when out of office.

 

 

I work hard and he knows it but we are in two totally different fields. I have several degrees and it's a shame, but my field doesn't produce a lot of money. However I needed to earn a master's degree just to have it. It's unfortunate. So with alot of thought I am looking into starting a new path.

 

I don't think he doubts my work ethic. He just keeps saying he can't "mix." A few times he actually asked me why I would want to work there if I have a master's degree? So it's like he admires my education but he doesn't understand . Although I have a master's degree,my job produces less pay than a person in his field without one. Which is the case for alot of careers.

[Starlight925]

Not only should you not consider working for him, you should consider whether this is a person with whom you even want a relationship.

 

I remembered your last thread, and I pulled it up, and....wow. This guy is belittling and demeaning your work ethic, so much so that you're considering a career move to make him happy. And yes, you can say all day long that it would be for your own benefit, but....really? Is that the truth?

 

Or is it the truth that you, deep down, feel like he'll be "proud" of you for making a career move/more money/better benefits? And that, deep down, you're hoping that if you work directly for him, he can see with his own eyes what a hard worker and loyal employee you are, thus hopefully prompting him to stop with his hurtful comments?

 

Find someone who accepts you as is. Sorry, I'm not impressed with your descriptions of this guy.