Thoughts On Women Approaching Men

[Batya33]

So, hypothetically - we met at a mutual friend's party, or perhaps a work function.

 

I paid you attention for an hour or two, hopefully I was humorous and interesting, I got you a couple of drinks, gave you my number ... then I moved on.

 

Are you going to call me? Personally I think I have shown enough interest - time to let you think on it and get in touch - if you want.

 

Where is your cut off point to dial my number?

 

No, I personally would not have called but if we met that way you would know that already. So if we exchanged numbers and you said "I'll call you" - I would have said "that would be great -looking forward". If you didn't say that I would not have called you. I would have assumed you weren't interested in keeping in touch

 

Here's a story -in 1985 I met a really nice guy at dinner one night -he was my friend's friend older brother. He was very shy and reserved. And older than me (I was 19, he was 24) We chatted and I mentioned how much I liked going out dancing (hint hint). Then we said goodnight. A day later I asked my friend if she'd heard any feedback. Nope . A few days after that I get a call at the daycare center where I worked then. I'd pointed to the office building I worked in to this guy and the name of the center must have been outside the building. He- in 1985- figured out the name of the center, got the number, knew my first name and called me there - when I received the call I had no clue who it was because honestly I'd put him out of my mind. He persisted in reminding me till i remembered. We dated for over a year -lovely person. And like I said -shy and reserved -and because he was interested he did whatever it took to get in touch and express interest.

[katrina1980]

 

I never did internet dating.

 

 

Bat, what you did is precisely what Internet dating is. Not to be confused with "cyber relationships" which are different.

 

OLD, on line dating, Internet dating - it's all the same no matter how it's referred to, "meeting" on line, a brief chat to determine if there is an interest to meet in person.

 

After you meet in person, you determine if there is an interest for a date.

 

These different terms and words, I don't quite get all the analyzation of what they mean in a literal sense.

 

Meet/date, it's all the same! And I am fairly certain that those who choose to "on line date" know what's happening too.

 

Even if they choose to chat for a bit before meeting, most know it may all fizzle after you meet in person.

[Batya33]

Bat, what you did is precisely what Internet dating is. Not to be confused with "cyber relationships" which are different.

 

OLD, on line dating, Internet dating - it's all the same no matter how it's referred to, "meeting" on line, a brief chat to determine if there is an interest to meet in person.

 

After you meet in person, you determine if there is an interest for a date.

 

These different terms and words, I don't quite get all the analyzation of what they mean in a literal sense.

 

Meet/date, it's all the same! And I am fairly certain that those who choose to "on line date" know what's happening too.

 

Even if they choose to chat for a bit before meeting, most know it may all fizzle after you meet in person.

 

I don't agree with you and that is not how it worked for me. To me the only reason it was a good experience overall was because I was careful to have the mindset that was the most effective to meet for a potentially serious relationship leading to marriage -and I described what that mindset was in previous posts. Certainly people who meet through dating sites for other purposes - casual dating, sex, friendship, an online chhat buddy, sexting, etc. may have entirely different mindsets and approaches - no one size fits all.

 

And for context I met strangers for dating purposes in other ways -blind dates, set ups where I had seen the person in real life before but we needed someone to arrange a real introduction, written personal ads. I never went to a matchmaker or did speed dating but considered both and had friends who did both.

[katrina1980]

Ok fair enough, so do you think "dating sites" or "dating aps" should be changed to "meeting sites/aps"?

 

Since it's not really dating? But meeting to see if there is an interest to date?

 

Just curious. :)

[Batya33]

Ok fair enough, so do you think "dating sites" or "dating aps" should be changed to "meeting sites/aps"?

 

Since it's not really dating? But meeting to see if there is an interest to date?

 

Just curious. :)

 

I don't care what they are called - if you read what I wrote I was referring to a mindset not words. I wrote that a few times in a few posts. And many people use those apps just for sexual arrangements or friends or online friends or sexting so "dating" is as good a shorthand as anything.

[itsallgrand]

Blue castle, I tried to rep you but I have to spread it around. I appreciate the thoughtful reply. I genuinely wanted your thoughts on it as I felt like you could provide an unique perspective. And you did. I understand your viewpoint much better now.

 

Fio, I'm glad you chimed in. It's interesting hearing all viewpoints.

I'm having some trouble with articulating exactly why I have a bone to pick with your 'these are our natural cavemen instincts: men to chase, women to be chased' theory. I think I just don't want to stray too far from the original topic, and diving into whether that's a fact or belief system may do that. Suffice it to say, I'm not content with assuming that is our true nature .

[Jibralta]

So, hypothetically - we met at a mutual friend's party, or perhaps a work function.

 

I paid you attention for an hour or two, hopefully I was humorous and interesting, I got you a couple of drinks, gave you my number ... then I moved on.

 

Are you going to call me? Personally I think I have shown enough interest - time to let you think on it and get in touch - if you want.

 

Where is your cut off point to dial my number?

 

Is that question to me? If so, yes, I'd probably call you. I doubt I'd stick around the whole hour or two if I wasn't interested at all!

[purplepaisley]

I would prefer the man to do the asking and approaching. I have found that when I have been a bigger aggressor (not a lot, I'm not that bold or confident), I attract men who are marginally interested, aloof, have nothing better to do. This guy who never approaches in the OP...it works for him. He manages a system, and it's his litmus test, so to speak. That's fine. I don't have any judgement over this. He might miss out on something great the same way women who don't approach first can miss out as well. It is what it is. I have a couple past incidences where I wish I grew a pair and did the asking. I will never know what could have happened.

 

With online dating, I don't have issue stressing meeting...the first date or meet...whatever verbiage you desire. I've been locked into perpetual texting and I'm not interested in that any longer. I don't want to plan a long date, dinner, or activity on that first date or meet, but if things go well, it could certainly expand to that or anything else. Point being, you don't want to be locked into a long, drawn out date/meet with someone who turns out to be a mistake. A drink/coffee/app/happy hour...whatever...short and see where it goes.

[RayRay63]

Is that question to me? If so, yes, I'd probably call you. I doubt I'd stick around the whole hour or two if I wasn't interested at all!

 

It was an open question.

 

It's interesting - you would, B wouldn't - but B also mentioned an exchange of phone numbers, and the guy saying "I'll call", rather than the guy (only) providing his, which changes the dynamic.

 

Maybe at the end of the day, my hypothetical party guy is more compatible with a lady who will take the initiative.

[RayRay63]

 

With online dating, I don't have issue stressing meeting...the first date or meet...whatever verbiage you desire. I've been locked into perpetual texting and I'm not interested in that any longer. I don't want to plan a long date, dinner, or activity on that first date or meet, but if things go well, it could certainly expand to that or anything else. Point being, you don't want to be locked into a long, drawn out date/meet with someone who turns out to be a mistake. A drink/coffee/app/happy hour...whatever...short and see where it goes.

 

Agree with all of that.

 

I had a friend who played golf. He "met" (*by which I mean they messaged each other on a dating site) a lady who also played, and suggested they go and play golf. If it was a no-go, at least he got a game in. (And they went out for a couple of years!)

[katrina1980]

Deleted -- sorry changed mind.

[bluecastle]

Deleted -- sorry changed mind.

 

Inquiring minds want to know!

[katrina1980]

Inquiring minds want to know!

 

I know and I dislike doing that, truly.

 

But I posted impulsively and soon thereafter realized it would serve absolutely no good purpose.

 

Please know it was not in response to anything you posted, and I thank you for responding! :)

[Batya33]

It was an open question.

 

It's interesting - you would, B wouldn't - but B also mentioned an exchange of phone numbers, and the guy saying "I'll call", rather than the guy (only) providing his, which changes the dynamic.

 

Maybe at the end of the day, my hypothetical party guy is more compatible with a lady who will take the initiative.

 

Oh but I did take the initiative - I showed interest during the party or singles event and if he discussed wanting to get together I would give him my number. If he insisted on exchanging numbers that was fine but yes I expected him to call (this was before I had a cell phone -now I think people text each other the number or something) -no I wouldn't "take the initiative" by calling because if I was interested I'd already taken the initiative by showing interest during our talk, telling him I'd like to see him again, giving him my number. No, I did not want to go on a date with a guy who, after all that, didn't want to put in the effort to call me and ask me out on a date. I didn't generally ask out men back then -especially in the early stages- because I was looking for marriage and found it wasn't an effective way to find a good match that way.

 

Yes, I would have called first if it wasn't about dating -if it was a common interest/activity, if he asked me to call him for a specific reason (i.e. we'd already made a plan and there was some reason I should call about the tickets, etc -or if I was the one who had to check my schedule). Yes, on at least one occoasion I did call a guy once who I met at a bar -I was 19, he was in his early 20s and starting law school the next week. I was really into him and 19 lol. I called him and he blew me off despite being really interested that night. I was fine with it. 5 years later I had to call him from my place of business for a professional reason (not to be my lawyer lol) - I recognized the name -total coincidence - and I had fun making him wonder if anything had happened that night because he sort of remembered my name lol. I was fine with being "rejected" and not sorry I called but once he didn't have my number or call me I knew it was likely a non-starter. No biggie.

 

Oh -second example - I called a guy who I met on a singles weekend who offered to drive me home. His car broke down during the drive I think and I think I ended up getting a ride from someone else (fuzzy on details). I did like him that way and I called him to find out if all went ok with his car (no I did not leave him stranded at all!) and yes I also called hoping he'd ask me out -he really appreciated it and asked me out . We went out four times. His interest in me was always lukewarm at best. I think if he'd been that into me he'd have asked me out during the drive.

[mustlovedogs]

Oh but I did take the initiative - I showed interest during the party or singles event and if he discussed wanting to get together I would give him my number. If he insisted on exchanging numbers that was fine but yes I expected him to call (this was before I had a cell phone -now I think people text each other the number or something) -no I wouldn't "take the initiative" by calling because if I was interested I'd already taken the initiative by showing interest during our talk, telling him I'd like to see him again, giving him my number. No, I did not want to go on a date with a guy who, after all that, didn't want to put in the effort to call me and ask me out on a date. I didn't generally ask out men back then -especially in the early stages- because I was looking for marriage and found it wasn't an effective way to find a good match that way.

 

Yes, I would have called first if it wasn't about dating -if it was a common interest/activity, if he asked me to call him for a specific reason (i.e. we'd already made a plan and there was some reason I should call about the tickets, etc -or if I was the one who had to check my schedule). Yes, on at least one occoasion I did call a guy once who I met at a bar -I was 19, he was in his early 20s and starting law school the next week. I was really into him and 19 lol. I called him and he blew me off despite being really interested that night. I was fine with it. 5 years later I had to call him from my place of business for a professional reason (not to be my lawyer lol) - I recognized the name -total coincidence - and I had fun making him wonder if anything had happened that night because he sort of remembered my name lol. I was fine with being "rejected" and not sorry I called but once he didn't have my number or call me I knew it was likely a non-starter. No biggie.

 

Oh -second example - I called a guy who I met on a singles weekend who offered to drive me home. His car broke down during the drive I think and I think I ended up getting a ride from someone else (fuzzy on details). I did like him that way and I called him to find out if all went ok with his car (no I did not leave him stranded at all!) and yes I also called hoping he'd ask me out -he really appreciated it and asked me out . We went out four times. His interest in me was always lukewarm at best. I think if he'd been that into me he'd have asked me out during the drive.

 

I agree. If a guy does all that and gives me his number, the ball is more than in my court and I’ll call.

[RayRay63]

Oh but I did take the initiative - I showed interest during the party or singles event and if he discussed wanting to get together I would give him my number. If he insisted on exchanging numbers that was fine but yes I expected him to call

 

My hypothetical party guy would have taken that as interest enough.

 

But what if circumstances intervened, and it never advanced to the stage he devoloped the cojones to throw out that maybe you could get together?

 

It's the compatibility thing. Maybe you (hypothetical) persons where not meant to get there.

[Sportster2005]

People who do the picking are more successful than the people being picked.

 

I think the flaw with this gentleman's strategy is he will only end up with women who are in to him. That shouldn't be enough for someone. It's only one dimension, one quality. If two women are interested in this man, and he chooses the one that approaches him, he implicitly rejects the other. The other may be twice or four times the woman. And he's missing out because of some narrow criteria he's convinced himself works. In effect the only thing he can say about his method is, it ensures the only women he will ever end up with are women who approached him first. They may turn out to be wonderful, but he's intentionally narrowing his dating pool over some dubious criteria.

 

Yes it feels good to be wanted. But on its own, that seems frivolous to give so much weight to. I don't think the guy lacks courage, though he might, I think he lacks good judgement.

 

If his mum didn't approach his dad, she may have ended up with a better partner. His logic his kind of loose.

 

In my experience I have been approached quite a bit. Mostly online. I don't make judgements about women based on the fact they approached me first. All it tells me is that they were interested enough, and usually confident enough to fire off the first email. It's really that simple. I don't psychoanalyse, or pretend to know their personality type and motivations because they send a first email.

[RayRay63]

I don't make judgements about women based on the fact they approached me first. All it tells me is that they were interested enough, and usually confident enough to fire off the first email.

 

I certainly agree with that, but hypothetical party guy likes that confident woman.

[Batya33]

My hypothetical party guy would have taken that as interest enough.

 

But what if circumstances intervened, and it never advanced to the stage he devoloped the cojones to throw out that maybe you could get together?

 

It's the compatibility thing. Maybe you (hypothetical) persons where not meant to get there.

 

If he didn't express interest in seeing me again I would not call him with very rare exception (like the guy whose car broke down -I wouldn't have expected him, while he was focused on getting assistance with the car, to say more than goodbye to me) - I only would call if I there was a specific reason to follow up -i.e. he'd asked me to connect him with someone for networking purposes or something like that -then it would be rude of me not to follow up on my promise. I see that as me investing my time wisely -not me being passive in any way. And if he did express interest in seeing me again I would hope that unless there were highly unusual intervening circumstances -that he would follow up on that expression of interest by making sure he could get in touch with me again. Otherwise it's just words.

[mustlovedogs]

But if he gave you his phone number and said he hopes to hear from you, isn’t that clear?

[Metaltwin70]

Katrina,

 

Every single bloke I've ever dated in my life, including my husband, I approached myself. Whyever not? I liked the look of someone, I went up to them and said hi. No cheesy chat-up lines - just, hi, with a huge smile. I'm a firm believer in women approaching men. When I was dating my thought process always was, if I don't approach him I'll never know; a 'no' is better than 'never know'. So I did. Either directly approached them or made it SO BLATANTLY obvious to them that I wanted them that they had no option but approach me. :)

[dias]

Katrina,

 

Every single bloke I've ever dated in my life, including my husband, I approached myself. Whyever not? I liked the look of someone, I went up to them and said hi. No cheesy chat-up lines - just, hi, with a huge smile. I'm a firm believer in women approaching men. When I was dating my thought process always was, if I don't approach him I'll never know; a 'no' is better than 'never know'. So I did. Either directly approached them or made it SO BLATANTLY obvious to them that I wanted them that they had no option but approach me. :)

 

Now we are talking :)

[katrina1980]

Katrina,

 

Every single bloke I've ever dated in my life, including my husband, I approached myself. Whyever not? I liked the look of someone, I went up to them and said hi. No cheesy chat-up lines - just, hi, with a huge smile. I'm a firm believer in women approaching men. When I was dating my thought process always was, if I don't approach him I'll never know; a 'no' is better than 'never know'. So I did. Either directly approached them or made it SO BLATANTLY obvious to them that I wanted them that they had no option but approach me. :)

 

Thanks for chiming in Metal!

 

I appreciate your mindset (and obvious confidence) as it clearly worked for you -- you've been happily married for 15 years, and who knows where you'd be if you had sat back passively and waited for your "Mr. Right" to drop into your lap. Lol

 

When I'm out and about, when opp presents itself I will strike up a convo, with anyone really, I enjoy meeting new people and chatting. I'm introverted mostly but for some reason, I feel comfortable doing this.

 

Like an extroverted introvert if there is such a thing.

 

But when I was out at a single's event or a single's club, I had always waited to be approached. Ugh.

 

At times, I could even sense when a man wanted to approach me, but didn't, and even then I would not approach!

 

It was stupid, now that I think back. Based on some antiquated notion that men are supposed to chase, and if they didn't, they weren't interested.

 

Ugh.

 

Anyway, I'm glad I started this thread, a real eye-opener!

 

If ever single again (and won't get into it now but it appears I may be soon -- more later, just some things have surfaced I'm not cool with), I'm gonna start doing more approaching!

 

I watched a silly show (a sitcom from the 90s) the other day where two separate women approached the male character cause he had lost his wedding band and they assumed he was single.

 

Gosh it all just seemed so natural! Not contrived at all!!

 

Edit: Oh and by the way metal, my mom pursued my dad!! Asked him out first, even asked him to marry her!!

 

She was very beautiful, a model at the time, and he admitted to me he felt totally intimidated by her!

[Metaltwin70]

'I paid you attention for an hour or two, hopefully I was humorous and interesting, I got you a couple of drinks, gave you my number ... then I moved on.

 

Are you going to call me? Personally I think I have shown enough interest - time to let you think on it and get in touch - if you want.'

 

__________

 

I'd call you - if I fancied you, felt a 'click', this something that is intangible and can't be put into words.

[katrina1980]

 

I'd call you - if I fancied you, felt a 'click', this something that is intangible and can't be put into words.

 

Amen sista!