Thoughts On Women Approaching Men

[katrina1980]

 

But what he's into, above all, is whether or not she is into him. He needs attention, and lots of it. He needs that to feel confident because, as Clio points out, beneath it all is a lack of confidence and self-assuredness that he has deftly learned to transform into game.

 

 

Yeah, I figured as much, just another angle, more "game." Is this stuff written in a book somewhere? PUA nonsense?

 

Disappointed cause I was hoping he was real. But I'm convinced now he was a troll, perhaps a previously-banned poster resurrecting himself to ruffle some feathers, stir controversy.

 

That said, still an interesting topic though, what say you bc?

 

Don't tell me, you approach and enjoy being approached too! :)

[superfan]

Are we in 1950 still? Why is the idea of a woman approaching a man she is into still considered a novelty?

[katrina1980]

Are we in 1950 still? Why is the idea of a woman approaching a man she is into still considered a novelty?

 

It's not, but the idea of a man who refuses to approach, who will never approach, even when she is sending clear signals she would like him to approach, is noteworthy and yes a novelty.

[itsallgrand]

Blue castle, curious if you would feel the same way about the ladies that sometimes post here about refusing to approach a man ? Are they all about getting attention from the thirsty dudes? :)

[katrina1980]

Blue castle, curious if you would feel the same way about the ladies that sometimes post here about refusing to approach a man ? Are they all about getting attention from the thirsty dudes? :)

 

Good point as per usual!

 

This thread is getting interesting now, and yes bc curious too.

 

I'm kinda back to liking this guy again now, cause I think this may have been his point too. And perhaps not some form of "game."

 

I'm so effed up! Owning it, lol.

[Batya33]

It's not, but the idea of a man who refuses to approach, who will never approach, even when she is sending clear signals she would like him to approach, is noteworthy and yes a novelty.

 

But that makes no sense at all - I mean nothing to do with dating -would he not approach a potential friend in that scenario? Why play that kind of game?

[j.man]

But that makes no sense at all - I mean nothing to do with dating -would he not approach a potential friend in that scenario? Why play that kind of game?

In fairness, why wouldn't she?

 

But I do agree. I'd give kudos to either the man or the woman in that scenario if they were to be the one to actually take initiative. But insofar as both of them are sitting there and twiddling their thumbs, waiting on the other to make the move, I'd consider them both equally embarrassing.

[katrina1980]

But that makes no sense at all - I mean nothing to do with dating -would he not approach a potential friend in that scenario? Why play that kind of game?

 

He (guy I've been referring to) literally needs to feel desired to feel attracted - he said this.

 

Many women do as well!

 

And to him, the way a woman demonstrates her desire/interest is by being the first to approach.

 

Many women feel this way as well.

 

I would imagine friendship is different cause with friendship there is no sexual desire.

 

Itsallgrand posted a great question to bluecastle, perhaps he's off line but still waiting for him to answer.

 

I still think this guy may have been trolling though.

 

A female poster had said, no way would she ever approach a man first, even if he was sending strong signals he wanted her to.

 

And he chimed back saying "so you would lose the opportunity to meet the possible love of your life because of some outdated notion that men should approach first?"

 

I am not a member there so can't post, but if I were, I would have chimed back -- "could not the same be true of you as well? You would lose the opp to meet the possible love of your life, cause you absolutely refuse to approach first?"

 

Seemed like he was trying to make some sort of "statement" about the double standard or something, but that's just speculation..

 

Who knows, I just found it interesting so decided to create a thread about it.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Basically I think if we want to make the most of dating and increasing options, we should all do more approaching!

 

You find someone attractive, strike up a casual conversation, see where it leads.

 

It’s funny you say this because I was on another forum saying how I find it so difficult to online date because so many men just keep texting and never take action and ask me out, so I end up asking them out. So many people, esp women, chimed in to say to never ask out guys on dating sites; wait for them to ask you out. 4-5 women claimed they’ve never had to ask anyone on the dating sites out cause the guys ALWAYS do the asking. I find that to be a little BS —always, really?? I’m not having that experience at all lol!

[SherrySher]

I'm so effed up! Owning it, lol

 

Lolol...oh god, Katrina, your honesty and humility is seriously one of the best things about you!

[figureitout23]

He (guy I've been referring to) literally needs to feel desired to feel attracted - he said this.

 

Many women do as well!

 

And to him, the way a woman demonstrates her desire/interest is by being the first to approach.

 

Many women feel this way as well.

 

I would imagine friendship is different cause with friendship there is no sexual desire.

 

Itsallgrand posted a great question to bluecastle, perhaps he's off line but still waiting for him to answer.

 

I still think this guy may have been trolling though.

 

A female poster had said, no way would she ever approach a man first, even if he was sending strong signals he wanted her to.

 

And he chimed back saying "so you would lose the opportunity to meet the possible love of your life because of some outdated notion that men should approach first?"

 

I am not a member there so can't post, but if I were, I would have chimed back -- "could not the same be true of you as well? You would lose the opp to meet the possible love of your life, cause you absolutely refuse to approach first?"

 

Seemed like he was trying to make some sort of "statement" about the double standard or something, but that's just speculation..

 

Who knows, I just found it interesting so decided to create a thread about it.

 

You may be right.

 

These ideals are always based on a desirable individual approaching you.

 

Man or woman it may be flattering but you arent suddenly going to fall in love because a random person asked you out. I HONESTLY wished thats how dating and attraction worked, I would have been married to Brad Pitt years ago...

 

I just see it as a hang up. Man or woman. Youre losing out if you dont take at least some initiative.

[figureitout23]

Blue castle, curious if you would feel the same way about the ladies that sometimes post here about refusing to approach a man ? Are they all about getting attention from the thirsty dudes? :)

 

I'm not BC but I would like to respond saying as much as we evolved were still creatures who have a drive to procreate for survival of our species. Put a bunch of women together in a house for a few months their periods still sync up. Were still bound by our caveman drives.

 

Men like to chase, women like to be chased.

 

HUGE variations to this core dance, but I think many still sometimes even subconsciously follow it, its just where our society is at this point in time.

 

Even with that being said, I think women should still have no problem approaching a man.

 

Those women who refuse to approach men probably aren't just getting attention from thirsty dudes, but they probably have a more limited dating life. Not as much as a man would because...society...it is different, hes going to attract unhealthy women, if he lucks into attracting a well balanced one she will run. Typically an outward hang up hides a closet full of skeletons.

[RayRay63]

It’s funny you say this because I was on another forum saying how I find it so difficult to online date because so many men just keep texting and never take action and ask me out, so I end up asking them out. So many people, esp women, chimed in to say to never ask out guys on dating sites; wait for them to ask you out. 4-5 women claimed they’ve never had to ask anyone on the dating sites out cause the guys ALWAYS do the asking. I find that to be a little BS —always, really?? I’m not having that experience at all lol!

 

Interesting topic in general terms.

 

I see those guys DMP refers to as having shown interest and allowing the woman to approach as not wanting to invest a lot of time with someone who is possibly/probably chatting to 10 other guys as well. "Let her make her mind up". I don't think this is limited to on line dating, either.

 

A female friend told me that when a man she is interested in does that - enough quality communication to show he's interested, but without pestering, or asking for a date - she finds that more attractive, not less. She also told me that if she has a couple of dates, but says she's not sure, can they be friends for a while blah blah - if the guy says no thanks, you know where to find me if you want me, that she finds that [expletive omitted] attractive.

 

Not all ladies will think the same way of course.

 

Personally, I think the guy Kat80 wrote about is advancing a rather extreme position (and could well be trolling).

[Batya33]

It’s funny you say this because I was on another forum saying how I find it so difficult to online date because so many men just keep texting and never take action and ask me out, so I end up asking them out. So many people, esp women, chimed in to say to never ask out guys on dating sites; wait for them to ask you out. 4-5 women claimed they’ve never had to ask anyone on the dating sites out cause the guys ALWAYS do the asking. I find that to be a little BS —always, really?? I’m not having that experience at all lol!

 

Why would you ask out a stranger you've never met before and why would he ask you out? It's not a date -you're meeting to see if in the future there should be a date (and then yes it's preferable the man do the asking out on a date). I never wasted my time messaging/texting (with one exception where we messaged a long time before meeting - it wasn't a mistake but it wasn't a good approach either for me - and we just messaged/emailed/called -I had no cell phone) - I wanted marriage so if the guy wasn't up for meeting after a few messages and a phone call I moved on. Most of the time he suggested a first meet after the first phone call and if he didn't I did. Typically what followed was one more phone call to confirm then we met -usually within a week or so.

If a man asks you to meet through a dating site he is not asking you out on a date. You are a complete stranger to him and he has no idea if he'll be attracted to you in person (with looks being a small factor -I'm referring more to the other essentials to chemistry -body language/energy, how you carry yourself, eye contact and at least for me how he treats others in public. I'm not sure why women feel "asked out" by a stranger on a dating site as if it's some kind of reflection on the man's attraction to or interest in them for dating. It may blossom into interest in dating later, for sure, and it shows that at minimum the man thinks there is potential for a first date. Applying dating rules and "waiting" for a man to suggest a first meet just seems like a huge waste of time. I met over 100 men in person through dating sites. Most suggested the first meeting, I suggested some of them, I didn't keep track of how that affected whether we went on a date - I don't think it did, at all.

[Batya33]

In fairness, why wouldn't she?

 

But I do agree. I'd give kudos to either the man or the woman in that scenario if they were to be the one to actually take initiative. But insofar as both of them are sitting there and twiddling their thumbs, waiting on the other to make the move, I'd consider them both equally embarrassing.

 

Well yes sure -of course and as I wrote -whether man or woman or whatever, if you're looking to date, maximize opportunities where it's easier to "take initiative" like in a shared activity. I've done that to make friends in my newer city - when you're sitting next to someone at a volunteer fundraising phonathon it's natural to chat between the phones ringing. For example.

[RayRay63]

Why would you ask out a stranger you've never met before and why would he ask you out?

 

Internet dating, Batya.

 

You only have to meet over coffee for 20 minutes to work out whether it has a future.

[Jibralta]

It goes both ways! The same applies for women or people in general.

 

Right. I am someone who goes after what she wants.

 

However, I prefer a guy who can and does stand up to me. Not someone passive.

[RayRay63]

So, hypothetically - we met at a mutual friend's party, or perhaps a work function.

 

I paid you attention for an hour or two, hopefully I was humorous and interesting, I got you a couple of drinks, gave you my number ... then I moved on.

 

Are you going to call me? Personally I think I have shown enough interest - time to let you think on it and get in touch - if you want.

 

Where is your cut off point to dial my number?

[shineyboot]

It is a good idea otherwise you get a limited choice. However beware of flakey, lazy men who aren't really invested.

[katrina1980]

Internet dating, Batya.

 

You only have to meet over coffee for 20 minutes to work out whether it has a future.

 

Agree and I think when you meet on line, when one or the other refers to "asking them out," (on a date) they simply mean "let's meet."

 

Obviously, you are strangers and it's not a "date" (in the standard sense) and even of one refers to it as a "date" it's not be taken literally - it's a "meet."

 

First meet/date, I've heard it described both ways, who cares what it's called, both know what's going on -- they're meeting to see if there is a click in person.

[katrina1980]

I just read this on another thread, it's interesting and furthers the point about meet/date.

 

".....so couple of a weeks ago, I met this guy online. We clicked pretty well, had good conversations so we decided to meet up for a date. "

 

So the poster described it both ways, but both knew what it was, a first "meet."

 

They're just words -- internet lingo if you will.

[katrina1980]

I'm not BC but I would like to respond saying as much as we evolved were still creatures who have a drive to procreate for survival of our species. Put a bunch of women together in a house for a few months their periods still sync up. Were still bound by our caveman drives.

 

Men like to chase, women like to be chased.

 

HUGE variations to this core dance, but I think many still sometimes even subconsciously follow it, its just where our society is at this point in time.

 

Even with that being said, I think women should still have no problem approaching a man.

 

Those women who refuse to approach men probably aren't just getting attention from thirsty dudes, but they probably have a more limited dating life. Not as much as a man would because...society...it is different, hes going to attract unhealthy women, if he lucks into attracting a well balanced one she will run. Typically an outward hang up hides a closet full of skeletons.

 

Thanks for chiming in FIO, and agree however blue admittedly does not follow "caveman" mentality and is quite a progressive thinker and doer.

 

So a bit surprised by his response, and looking forward to his further response to itsallgrand.

[Batya33]

I just read this on another thread, it's interesting and furthers the point about meet/date.

 

".....so couple of a weeks ago, I met this guy online. We clicked pretty well, had good conversations so we decided to meet up for a date. "

 

So the poster described it both ways, but both knew what it was, a first "meet."

 

They're just words -- internet lingo if you will.

 

Yes I'm fine with the words not fine with thinking of it as being asked out or asking a man out on a date because then women will default to the more traditional rules, waste a lot of time texting with a stranger waiting to be "asked out" when instead they should let him ask them out if they want -after they actually meet -so get the meet on the calendar ASAP unless there's some reason you enjoy texting with a stranger or you don't really want to date and want an excuse like "well no one "asks me out""

[Batya33]

Internet dating, Batya.

 

You only have to meet over coffee for 20 minutes to work out whether it has a future.

 

I never did internet dating. I met people in person through dating sites and never "dated online" or pretended to. To me it was a mindset difference. And yes sometimes we just met for 45 minutes. Only a few times was it less -one time when we met the day we first chatted and the person I met was completely unlike the person I spoke to so I ended it ASAP. Another time he showed up looking disheveled and basically on drugs so I wouldn't go into the restaurant we chose, took him to a bookstore cafe in the building and left as soon as it was polite to do so.

[bluecastle]

Blue castle, curious if you would feel the same way about the ladies that sometimes post here about refusing to approach a man ? Are they all about getting attention from the thirsty dudes? :)

 

To answer this simply: yeah, sure, of course.

 

I think that when people talk loftily about a desire for "connection" they're often just talking about a desire to be, well, desired. To have their thirst quenched. To be the object of thirst. To feel wanted.

 

As a result, I think a lot of people of both genders mistake being desired for genuine connection, because their goal of dating, like the phantom man at the heart of this thread, is to feel desired. These are people who, on dates, are less focused on the person in front of them than on whether or not that person is going to kiss them in an hour, have sex with them in a day.

 

It's all thirst, or at least a dynamic where thirst is front and center. It's why people create these little games and rules, and it's why we see numerous threads on here from people deeply thrown by a Bumble chat that goes cold, a first date that doesn't lead to a second, a one night stand that fails to metastasize into future stands.

 

What's throwing them, really? It's not really the loss of a connection, though that's the nice story to tell. It's the loss of feeling desired. It's their own thirst, which is to say their own insecurity—sated and muted, for a moment, now exposed again.

 

Like, this guy, or his female counterpart: If your initial point of entry is to feel desired/wanted, and if you're thinking this much about approaching or being standoffish, I'd say it's because, alone, in a void, you don't feel genuinely desirable. Which is to say that, alone in the void, you are way too thirsty. You need your desirability validated, and you're creating as fool-proof a system as possible to get that validation.

 

So maybe this guy is "successful," meaning he's figured out a few moves that work for him, no different than the woman who "refuses" to approach and has had that refusal rewarded by being approached. Still, this kind of success is inherently limited, since it's built on a clever way of masking and sating insecurity/thirst, of making it all read (to a certain subset of the opposite sex) as confidence, mystery.