Am I being paranoid?

[katrina1980]

Accept his apology, never bring it up again, and pay attention to his actions going forward.

 

If anything like this happens again, reconsider the RL or just end it.

 

That is what I would do, good luck!

[ThatwasThen]

Hi guys! So I posted a little soon this morning. Right after saying good morning and me saying good morning back, he messaged me “how are you?” Followed by two texts apologizing. I’ll post the texts below. I’d like opinions

 

He sent;

 

“My Love, I apologize if I upset you. I do not want to fight or argue or squabble. I made a mistake in not setting boundries reguardless as to who sends me a message and for that I am sorry. I see that I made you feel disrespected and that IS not my goal at all. I want to lift you up not tear you down. Could you find it in your heart to forgive this foolish man 😢”

 

And right after

 

“I will never willingly put you in a position of Deja-Vu, because I don't want you looking back asking yourself "did I choose wrong again" I want to be Your Mr. Right, Your Last Love, Your Last Kiss.

I hope that you will forgive my foolish actions words and thoughts. I don't want to lose the best thing I've ever had.”

 

Thoughts?

That's all nice and well put together telling you what you want to hear...

But what exactly does that mean? Is he going to stop being this other woman's toxic relationship savour or is he going to continue to talk to her?

[katrina1980]

That's all nice and well put together telling you what you want to hear...

But what exactly does that mean? Is he going to stop being this other woman's toxic relationship savour or is he going to continue to talk to her?

 

^^This too!

[Sportster2005]

Yesterday was me and my bfs one year anniversary. He took me to a concert. It was amazing.

On our way there he gets a message, and nonchalantly says out loud “oh it’s the girl that’s trying to bite me.” Then he showed me messages that an ex-coworker of his was sending him saying that she wants to “ bite him” and basically flirting with him. He was like “what? Are you a vampire?” And she played along with that. He showed me the msgs (I never asked to see them.) she told him she wants to steal him from me and he said no can can steal him from me bc he loves me. Then was asking for advice to deal with her current toxic ex relationship who she lives in the same house with still. So he was basically giving her advice on how to deal with that.

 

This morning after giving it thought I realized I’m not as over it as I thought. Idk how to feel knowing he talks to someone that blatantly admits to wanting him while he’s with me, but I’m also super against “forcing” my partner to stop speaking to other people because that’s controlling and manipulative and just doesn’t work, not to mention we will all do what we wanna do anyway.

 

I acted on impulse and confronted him about a text he got at 2:30am while he was filming a video to send to me. He admitted he was talking to her but he said he was talking about her current toxic situation. But that’s what he had said earlier too and talked about at 7pm when we were together... I told him the whole thing gave me a sense of dejavú since I’ve been in a similar situation before and my gut was right on track. So I kind of already made myself look insecure as hell by pretty much accusing him to set up a cheating scenario.

I don’t wanna make the same mistake twice. So I need advice on how to handle the situation best moving forward. How to deal with this feeling that won’t go away now, the feeling that he’s talking to her all day now.

 

It’s the first time something like this happens with him.

 

I would consider this behaviour grounds for dismissal. It's not going to go away. It shouldn't go away. He's crossed a line. He should go away.

[AlexSays]

Ok so I’m just going to copy and paste our conversation.

——-

Me: Thank you for the apology. I was scared you didn't understand where I'm coming from. I'm also very sorry for coming at you the way I did last night. However, this is not something I will tolerate again. And going forward I want to ask you what are your plans regarding this woman. She crossed a line. A big one to me, and so did you by not stopping it.

what exactly does that mean? Are you going to stop being this other woman's toxic relationship savior? I need to know. (Copied a response from here bc good question)

 

Him: I was never her savior, more over common sense. I will be more aware of how I respond to people ensuring clear lines are set in the ground before me.

 

 

Me: It's a yes or no question.

 

Him: To if I will be her toxic relationship savior, No because I never was.

 

Me: I do accept your apology but I am still really upset, so I'm just asking for some time for now. To calm down and stuff.

 

Him: Not much I can say to that...

 

 

——

 

Was this a good way to go? I’m really trying to set the boundaries and not let him off easy.

[Wiseman2]

What's done is done. All you can do is this and see what happens.

so I'm just asking for some time for now. To calm down and stuff.

[thisisrichey]

I wouldnt' say he's acting BADLY. (he isn't cheating, and doesn't appear as if he will or is interested in doing so... )

I would say he isn't acting too BRIGHTLY (he is acting like everything is okay and that this shouldnt' bother a gf - taht isn't too bright).

 

So let's get THAT part correct anyway. Acting BADLY would be to cheat or be disloyal or to be knowingly and maliciously doing things to hurt the gf. he's not doing this. He's just no bright enough or hip to the fact that this can be hurtful to a gf (since he's not acting bad, not hiding anything, etc.) Taht's how he sees it anyway (and how many FEMALES see and consider "flirting with guys" as harmless fun, when it can hurt their bf's.. same thing here).

 

I agree that you should not tell your bf what do do. He has every right to dow hat he wants (just as you have every right to do what you want). It is wrong to impose any kind of control over your partner for yoru own insecurity or needs - period.

All you can do is tell him how it makes you feel and leave it at that. And then make your own decisions for you based upon what he does with that information. (aka leave or stay and accept he's just one of thsoe "nice guys" who will always lend a helping hand innocently to other people).

 

I know this hurts you. Us guys (especialy in our younger years) tend to not undrestand the female emotion and what can hurt it - because the same things don't hurt us ... however it goes both ways. As I've said before, some things females see as "harmless" can really dig and hurt a guy. Its the difference between femaels and males that will never be closed and that which both sides need to understand the OTHER side is not the same and so we have to undrestand the other side ... not just our side.

 

Good luck with this one. Hopefully discussing this (when it's NOT emotional) and how it makes you feel will help him understand you and he'll take matters into his own hand for you.

[katrina1980]

Sorry richey you’re usually spot on but I’m not buying that men don’t know when they’re behaving badly (and agree while he didn’t cheat, what he did was emotionally harmful to Alex, so in my world, it would be considered pretty bad)

.

I mean in this case come on, he’d have to be a complete moron not to know that taking a call at 2:30 am in the morning from another chic and exchanging flirts right in front of Alex would not bother and hurt her. So what if he showed her the messages, that just adds to the egregiousness of this imo.

 

He was shyt testing her attempting to elicit a reaction, in an effort to determine how much she cared. Also to see how much crap she would tolerate from him, like a little boy does with his mother, which is extremely immature to say the least.

 

Alex did get upset which affirmed that she does care, so now that he’s accomplished his goal, he’s attempting to fix it by apologizing, saying all the right things, blah blah; Alex I personally think you handled that well. You defined your boundaries so now he knows not pull that shyt again otherwise there will be consequences, including your leaving him if necessary.

 

JMO richey, I've seen my brothers behave this way and had it happen in my own life too.

[AlexSays]

Sorry I think there’s been a misunderstanding Katrina.

we don’t live together, so we parted ways after the concert and I had a meeting early the next morning so I fell asleep. They didn’t talk on the phone. He sent me a video opening presents I gave him and in said video I heard the text sound and asked if that was her. He said yes, he had answered her text when he got home and as he made the video she replied to his text. The messages he showed me were right before we left to the concert. He didn’t talk to her in front of me at all.

 

We don’t really use our phones in front of each other to talk to others because we both treasure time together since we only see each other once a week. He also did not flirt with her, she did. She texted him she wants to steal him from me to which he said “no one can steal me from her. I love her” and then she continued flirting but didn’t stop her advances after that, which upset me because it was disrespectful to our relationship and I feel like only stopping that one advance and allowing the others was a sort of excuse to use as a “I’m being transparent” when he told me.

 

So I wanted to make sure he understood I wasn’t going to tolerate it any more.

[Andrina]

I'd advise an in depth conversation in person. Never text about important things. I know that I've set up boundaries to ensure nobody sabotages my marriage. I had a group friend, a guy, as a teen, who I accepted as a Facebook friend. He messaged me and started bringing up nonsense that he remembered, touching my leg in a jacuzzi way back then and was bringing the conversation to an inappropriate place. I deleted him. I don't need the ego boost and someone crossing boundaries when he could clearly see by my status that I'm married.

 

Your discussion should include not just this woman, but in general, a full description of the relationship boundaries you expect. He should be blocking this woman from his contacts because it's not okay to communicate with someone who has a crush on you when you're taken, and especially one who says she wants to steal him away from you. You will be a whole lot more respected by a guy when you're not a doormat, and you set standards, and aren't afraid to walk away if he crosses those boundaries.

 

I've had those discussions with every man I had exclusive relationships with. I explained that I don't give 2nd chances for cheating, and explained all of my rules to make sure we were on the same page. Your significant other is supposed to be the soft place you land on at the end of a stressful day, not be the source of your stress. Good luck with your talk. Take care.

[katrina1980]

Thanks for clarifying Alex but in a way it's worse because there was absolutely no reason for him to have shared that with you other than as a shyt test to elicit a reaction; it was intentional, and very hurtful.

 

And as everyone has been saying, his behavior stems from extreme insecurity and immaturity. When I first started dating my long term ex many years ago, he used to pull similar crap, to elicit a reaction, I brushed it off, made a joke out of it, which in retrospect turned out to be a big mistake, although he did eventually stop, I suppose when he realized his behavior wasn't garnering the reaction he'd hope for.

 

But I absolutely sucked at defining boundaries, so I'm not judging you. I've learned a lot since then though, and one thing is to never tolerate that sort of disrespect. It will eventually come back and bite you in the arse!!

[ThatwasThen]

I'd advise an in depth conversation in person. Never text about important things. I know that I've set up boundaries to ensure nobody sabotages my marriage. I had a group friend, a guy, as a teen, who I accepted as a Facebook friend. He messaged me and started bringing up nonsense that he remembered, touching my leg in a jacuzzi way back then and was bringing the conversation to an inappropriate place. I deleted him. I don't need the ego boost and someone crossing boundaries when he could clearly see by my status that I'm married.

 

Your discussion should include not just this woman, but in general, a full description of the relationship boundaries you expect. He should be blocking this woman from his contacts because it's not okay to communicate with someone who has a crush on you when you're taken, and especially one who says she wants to steal him away from you. You will be a whole lot more respected by a guy when you're not a doormat, and you set standards, and aren't afraid to walk away if he crosses those boundaries.

 

I've had those discussions with every man I had exclusive relationships with. I explained that I don't give 2nd chances for cheating, and explained all of my rules to make sure we were on the same page. Your significant other is supposed to be the soft place you land on at the end of a stressful day, not be the source of your stress. Good luck with your talk. Take care.

 

This, this and this^^^^

Him: To if I will be her toxic relationship savior, No because I never was.

He's full of shyte. You need to be very precise when talking to this guy because he'll dazzle you with his science. He is just telling you that he wasn't her relationship savior but he's not telling you that he won't stop talking to her and accepting her flirting. He won't admit that he IS being her relationship savior which she clearly is using to keep him hooked. He's either too stupid, too naive or just not willing to admit he is getting something from being her 'advisor' (changing that from savior since he's unwilling to think he is being just that).

[Matt0050]

Op I know you are on top of this now, but your situation is cheating and an emotional affair, by definition.

 

"The term emotional affair is used in the media to categorise or explain a certain type of relationship.

 

High levels of non-sexual emotional intimacy in adults may occur without the participants being bound by other intimate relationships or may occur between people in other relationships.[1] "Attachment Theory" research reflects both constructs.[2]

 

The term often describes a bond between two people that mimics the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship while never being physically consummated. An emotional affair is sometimes referred to as an affair of the heart. An emotional affair may emerge from a friendship, and progress toward greater levels of personal intimacy and attachment. What distinguishes an emotional affair from a friendship is the assumption of emotional roles between the two participants that mimic of those of an actual relationship - with regards to confiding personal information and turning to the other person during moments of vulnerability or need.

 

The intimacy between the people involved usually stems from a friendship with confidence to tell each other intimate aspects of themselves, their relationships, or even subjects they wouldn't talk with their partners. While not physical, this relationship can quickly pass that barrier, and while the first physical contact can take a long time to happen (e.g. a kiss), what follows next is usually followed quickly due to the such high levels of intimacy already existent between the two."

 

I've talked to literally 100's of affair victims over the last 4 years and your situation is pretty typical of emotional affairs that lead to physical affairs. Usually one partner has a "toxic, abusive etc..." relationship (my ex claimed ours was) and they find a member of the opposite sex who they are attracted to and sympathetic to their situation (often exaggerated)

 

Usually a woman won't talk to a man about her relationship issues, unless she has him lined up to replace her current partner. (lending a sympathetic ear is what her girl friends are for not a man) and a guy generally isn't interested in talking about their own relationships, let alone someone else's, unless he can gain something from it eg..... being the shoulder to cry on, in hopes it will lead to physical intimately.

 

You are well within your rights to demand boundaries regarding this women and the first should be no contact ever again, then removing all avenues of contact between them. Trust me, she will keep trying to reach out as she's already well into the flirting stage and invested in their relationship.

[MissCanuck]

If I had a nickel for every poster who tells us that their significant other is texting Someone in the wee hours because Someone needs to "vent" about their "toxic relationship" and is seeking "support"...

 

There sure are a lot of late-night Dr. Phils dating ENA'ers.

[ThatwasThen]

If I had a nickel for every poster who tells us that their significant other is texting Someone in the wee hours because Someone needs to "vent" about their "toxic relationship" and is seeking "support"...

 

There sure are a lot of late-night Dr. Phils dating ENA'ers.

 

HaHa... true enough!

[figureitout23]

Sorry richey you’re usually spot on but I’m not buying that men don’t know when they’re behaving badly (and agree while he didn’t cheat, what he did was emotionally harmful to Alex, so in my world, it would be considered pretty bad)

.

I mean in this case come on, he’d have to be a complete moron not to know that taking a call at 2:30 am in the morning from another chic and exchanging flirts right in front of Alex would not bother and hurt her. So what if he showed her the messages, that just adds to the egregiousness of this imo.

 

He was shyt testing her attempting to elicit a reaction, in an effort to determine how much she cared. Also to see how much crap she would tolerate from him, like a little boy does with his mother, which is extremely immature to say the least.

 

Alex did get upset which affirmed that she does care, so now that he’s accomplished his goal, he’s attempting to fix it by apologizing, saying all the right things, blah blah; Alex I personally think you handled that well. You defined your boundaries so now he knows not pull that shyt again otherwise there will be consequences, including your leaving him if necessary.

 

JMO richey, I've seen my brothers behave this way and had it happen in my own life too.

 

Ok Kat granted but it’s kinda hypocritical to rebut his response when yours is ignoring such huge chunks of the story,!which everyone is so it’s whatever, that’s why I stopped responding, but this response was a bit much.

 

His insecurity didn’t come from thin air. So her acting in extreme indignation and demanding respect when she didn’t give it would be well a slap in the face in my eyes.

 

He is wrong I don’t think anyone’s debating that, he’s being disrespectful, no one is debating that but in what world does she get to go all ‘girl power’ demanding he treat her a certain way when she created this monster, she fed it, she nurtured it and now that it’s fully grown and hurting her she needs to point fingers? She needs to stop being fearful of losing him? That easily? This was a rebound that practically overlapped the other guy, all those emotions are now tied to this guy. anyone who did that would have to be a stone to not be fearful, that’s the natural progression, these are logical reactions both his and hers. I don’t think anyone is being malicious here.

 

Ok I’m going back into the audience with my popcorn.

[katrina1980]

I don't know recall her history fio, just going by this thread.

 

Perhaps there should be a new rule that new threads pertaining to the same issue should be combined into the first one, cause again just going by this thread without knowing or remembering the back story.

 

Someone needs to refresh my memory re how she created this "monster" (the overall dysfunction of how they relate); in any event, yeah whatever she did certainly doesn't justify his behavior now, if he feels insecure or uncertain about how she feels or whatever, he should discuss with her like an adult not employ silly shyt tests in an attempt to garner a reaction to find out.

 

Or better yet maybe they should just break up and find other people they vibe with better who are a better fit.

[katrina1980]

 

He’s insecure because you’re incredibly open about the fact that you aren’t over your ex and he was there all through that. A healthy person would have said screw this he stayed now this is his unhealthy way of coping.

 

Neither one of you is showing respect to the other.

 

Reset, communicate and get things on track

 

I just found this^^ on a different thread and assume it's what you're referring to fio?

 

If so, fair enough but nevertheless it still doesn't justify his disrespectful behavior now, does it?

 

Like you said, a healthy person would have said screw this and ended it (I would have, I don't tolerate my bf's still having feelings for ex's).

 

Anyway, it just seems toxic all around, too much damage has been done on both sides, trust lost.

 

I don't mean to sound so negative Alex, but I will be very surprised if this relationship lasts another year, if that, I'm sorry.

 

I'm also gonna go back and try to find the thread wherein you discuss how you aren't (or weren't) over your ex, it may shed more light for me on the situation.

[katrina1980]

Sorry to keep posting but I searched back to get a bit of history.

 

So yeah fio, I see what you're talking about.

 

Alex, you showed the messages from your ex (for whom you still had/have feelings) to your current bf just a few months ago (all in the name of transparency and honesty which I won't even respond to), which I'm sure still plays heavy on his mind, so he thought he'd give you a taste and showed you the messages from this other chick at 2:30 in the morn who apparently wants to steal him away from you, which he didn't hesitate telling you. Ugh.

 

I'm just gonna repeat what I posted earlier:

 

 

Anyway, it just seems toxic all around, too much damage has been done on both sides, trust lost.

 

 

Best of luck.

[AlexSays]

So much has changed since then...

Literally. so much.

I've never played along or let someone else disrespect him since we got officially together. I always put a stop to every move. I did tell him when my ex texted me, because he saw the message pop on my phone, and I don't need him thinking that I'm talking to him behind his back. I squashed that there and there.

We used to be both really hesitant at first and proved to each other we want to be together (in ways no one here knows, because as I said before, I don't come here when things are good. I come here when I need to vent.

 

Literally, I feel as though people that have followed my story are obsessed with my ex. He somehow always comes up when I post on here, despite it having nothing to do with him.

 

To make a loooong story short, me and my partner had a long, in-depth emotional, personal conversation about relationships. I apologized for everything I did in the beginning and told him it wasn't fair to him the way I reacted. We both agreed to forgive each other for certain things and this was.... around 5 or so months ago, if I remember correctly? Like right before our first holiday together. Ever since, we have been doing great. I always make sure to reassure him because he does have a bit of an abandonment thing due to his dad leaving when he was younger.

 

We both want this to be our last relationship. We both work so well together. We are a team, a good one at that. We support each other and lift each other up. It's been amazing. I've never felt such genuine connection with someone. The past hasn't been brought up in months.

 

And yes, figureitout, I have ALL the right to demand respect, because I have been honest with him from the get go. From the not wanting a relationship when we first started, to everything. He's known where I stand in everything. Certain things about my ex that I posted here, were kept here. No need to bring them to the real world when it was something in passing. He can't be pulling something like this a year later, not when we both have been honest with each other from the get go. About everything.

 

But you guys have given me something to think about. I think I really just want to see his actions moving forward, and derive my conclusion from that. I do not believe in prohibiting him talk to anyone. I do believe that if he still chooses to despite knowing how I feel, then thats for me to take care of and walk away if I need to. This is the first time this happens, to my knowledge, and I do not want to derive conclusions blindly, because that is exactly what doomed my first serious relationship.

 

ALSO I never mentioned this but he's a poet and he's often meddling into people's relationship because he inspires his poetry from them. He has over 100 poems on this. Which is why him talking to her about it is not surprising to me. He does this almost every day with people.

 

Yet again, it was the not setting boundaries and letting it happen, that upset me.

[AlexSays]

Btw first time it happens as in first time I don't see him setting a boundary through text.

[figureitout23]

 

And yes, figureitout, I have ALL the right to demand respect, because I have been honest with him from the get go. From the not wanting a relationship when we first started, to everything. He's known where I stand in everything. Certain things about my ex that I posted here, were kept here. No need to bring them to the real world when it was something in passing. He can't be pulling something like this a year later, not when we both have been honest with each other from the get go. About everything.

 

 

 

 

I told him the whole thing gave me a sense of dejavú since I’ve been in a similar situation before and my gut was right on track. So I kind of already made myself look insecure as hell by pretty much accusing him to set up a cheating scenario.

 

 

I don’t wanna make the same mistake twice. So I need advice on how to handle the situation best moving forward. How to deal with this feeling that won’t go away now, the feeling that he’s talking to her all day now.

 

It’s the first time something like this happens with him.

 

Is this not what you wrote on this post?

 

I realize you think I'm a bully who follows your posts around to 'put you down' , shove your ex in your face, etc., but I am trying to help.

 

We cant change what we don't acknowledge Alex.

 

You're all too happy to make all this your boyfriends fault, thats not fair to him, and quite frankly to you, these are terrible relationships skills to learn: when I do it, its ok, but when you do it its wrong.

 

You keep reiterating that you have come a long way with accepting responsibility and working together with your boyfriend and like I said you do often point out you both are very happy, but these issues remain, why would they remain if everything was resolved? Do you see what Im trying to say? These issues don't sound resolved. Maybe they were to you, but are you hearing out your boyfriend because they dont seem resolved based on his actions. You keep saying its been a year, youve been dating him for a year but these issues have been major issues including for you a matter of months ago.

 

Alex what he is doing is wrong. And Im in no way saying you should accept it because I dont think you should.

 

You can acknowledge you set the ball rolling while still standing up for yourself.

 

There is a huge difference between:

 

You better stop this now because I will not put up with you disrespecting me

 

vs.

 

Look, I realize we had a weird start and I realize I may have caused a lot of uncertainty with you, Im sorry I did that to you, my ex did that to me and it caused me a lot of pain and I would never want to do that to you because I love you, but with that being said, we have to talk and get all this out in the open because you talking to this woman and crossing my boundaries is really hurting me and I dont think its fair to me or you to continue our relationship in this manner.

 

You seem hell bent on choosing option 1 though so I'll go back to my popcorn.

[Annia]

If I had a nickel for every poster who tells us that their significant other is texting Someone in the wee hours because Someone needs to "vent" about their "toxic relationship" and is seeking "support"...

 

There sure are a lot of late-night Dr. Phils dating ENA'ers.

 

This comment made me genuinly laugh! But yes, I always laugh at the overused excuse of "but he/she is very sad/depressed and needs me" / "but he/she needs support from her/his bad relationship or break up". I don't think it might be necessarily leading to cheating or anything but I think it's an excuse people use because they want to continue communication because it makes their ego feel good. Some people like to continue receiving flirting attention even after they're in a relationship. It's not respectful to their partner if they put themselves in flirting situations or not end them. Him talking to a friend and occasionally helping her is fine. But as soon as there's flirting and stuff like that it should be cut off and stop responding.

 

Now I read that there's more to this story but I'm just basing my answer on the thread because I haven't read the other threads for more context and I'm also just referring to these types of situations in general.

[Annia]

I don't know recall her history fio, just going by this thread.

 

Perhaps there should be a new rule that new threads pertaining to the same issue should be combined into the first one, cause again just going by this thread without knowing or remembering the back story.

 

Someone needs to refresh my memory re how she created this "monster" (the overall dysfunction of how they relate); in any event, yeah whatever she did certainly doesn't justify his behavior now, if he feels insecure or uncertain about how she feels or whatever, he should discuss with her like an adult not employ silly shyt tests in an attempt to garner a reaction to find out.

 

Or better yet maybe they should just break up and find other people they vibe with better who are a better fit.

 

Except for some usual posters or extreme situations, I can never remember a past thread was made by a user writing another thread, even if I have read the past threads. I can never associate the posters names with the threads. In real life I'm also a mess remembering names lol

 

So I think this feature you're talking about would be seriously very good to give us context when answering to new threads.

[katrina1980]

I know this may sound odd, but what would bother me more, the turn off for me would be the fact he went out of his way to tell me about this convo at 2:30 in the morn, and all the other times he just had to tell me about all the other women who come on to him or find him hot (previous threads).

 

I mean what's his point? Ideally, my actions already tell him how attracted to him I am; so I would be left feeling like he's only telling me to cause insecurity, throw me off balance, which is exactly how Alex feels now.

 

As I said eatlier, such behavior is cruel and insidious.

 

I highly doubt this other chick means anything to him at all, she's nothing but a big ego stroke and of course he gets to use her to cause Alex insecurity and to question his motives and feelings.

 

THAT would be the issue for me, and I would be rethinking continuing on with him for this reason.

 

Alex, you keep focusing on this other girl and whether or not he's cheating, and imo it's the wrong thing to focus on.

 

Focus on why the hell he felt inclined to tell you about it, especially the part where she wants to steal him away from you.

 

I mean what the f, there was no reason to tell you that or anything else, you were home sleeping for chrissales, he told you to hurt you, cause insecurity and as a shyt test to elicit a reaction.

 

Focus on THAT.