Boyfriend has 2 kids, doesn't want more, knows I do.

[kas88]

Yes. And you emphasized that you wanted a child of your own because no one can take the child away. That gave me pause. Obviously the reasons you now wrote above, as you know, are great reasons to have a child. You can have all of that being a stepmother and I would not, if I were you, tell yourself that that would be enough for you. Sounds like that would be dishonest.

 

You don't think having a life long relationship with his kids would be enough for me is what you're saying here?

[Batya33]

You don't think having a life long relationship with his kids would be enough for me is what you're saying here?

 

Yes, that is what I am saying. If you did not want your own kids or did not want them badly then sure it might be "enough" just like I enjoyed being an involved Aunt for years when my nieces were younger. Just like I loved teaching children, volunteering with children, etc - there is a huge broad spectrum of ways to be involved in raising and inspiring and teaching a child. Even lifelong. And to me if you know 100% you want your own kids those relationships and roles will never be enough. Because it's not the same. I had my child later in life -at age 42 - my prior experiences with children especially babies and young children helped a lot of course. No comparison though as far as the involvement of your heart, your whole body, your life.

[Wiseman2]

These are excellent reasons. Of course you've been worked up and hopefully gotten second opinions but were you aware of of these data? "Statistics suggest that 35 to 40 percent of the problems are caused by male conditions, another 35 to 40 percent by female conditions, and the last 20 to 30 percent a combination of the two" .

Why do I want children? Because I have so much love to give. I grew up in a big family, and the idea of helping a child learn, grow, feel valued and loved appeals to me. The idea of building a life long relationship appeals to me.

[MissCanuck]

You don't think having a life long relationship with his kids would be enough for me is what you're saying here?

 

I think it would be risky for you, yes.

 

Hypothetical stepchildren might develop a warm and loving relationship with you and consider you to be their family, of course - or they might not. I have certainly seen it go both ways. My own best friend is the step-mom to her husband's 3 kids from his first marriage, and only one child has really ever accepted her. The older two are quite indifferent to her, despite her and her husband's best efforts. They most definitely view her as "Dad's wife" and not "my stepmom." She is there to help and support them, attends their school functions and sports games, and they outwardly show respect toward her, but they just don't seem to care too much if she's around or not. And this is after 10 years of coupledom with her husband. They even live with them half the time (50-50 custody with his ex-wife) so it's not as though she is a stranger to them.

 

My point is, I am not sure I would bet on having the family life you so strongly hope for with his kids. Blended families can indeed be very loving, but there is also a significant chance of the coin landing with the other side up and the kids being indifferent or even hostile toward a stepparent. Of course, it can be argued that even a biological family could have its share of dysfunction, but at the end of the day, you would presumably be the primary mother figure in their lives.

 

As such, I would caution you to think about what you will do if it turns out that his kids aren't that keen on you and aren't interested in forming a close relationship with you.

[reinventmyself]

These are all hypothetical questions any one would consider, and should when entering into what could be a step parent situation. All personalities and complexities still are unknown. It doesn't make your situation unique.

 

What does make it unique is your past experiences and understandably so. No doubt this is a very sensitive issue for you and I understand.

Your new relationship should unfold in an organic way. There are no guarantees, nor crystal balls.

 

Your goal here is address your fears and how they relate to your past disappointments and not allow them to poison the well today.

 

I think your anxiety to a degree is normal. The rest is maybe something you could talk to a professional about?

[Jibralta]

I grew up with step parents, who are still very much a part of my life, I see what you're saying here. They're just as much my parents as my physical parents, one of whom isn't even married into the family anymore. but I knew them my entire life, they were always there.

 

As far as joining an established family, yeah it'll be difficult, but truly, all of my family options are difficult.

 

I know a couple of blended families who operate seamlessly. Multiple divorces, remarriages, the works. Some people just live to raise children and have a family, and the more the merrier. Makes me real happy to see people embracing children regardless of their origin and rising past pettiness.

 

In my own family, my step father is basically my dad. He is more father to me than my bio dad and even my adoptive dad. I see that some people are saying that being a step parent is not the same as regular parenting, but those people have never seen it done right and they don't know any better. Parenting is really about the kid, not the parent. Fortunately, you and I and some other lucky people do know. So, kas88 hold out for that and don't settle. If this guy's family leaves you in the cold, don't forget that there are wonderful, warm and loving people out there who love family in all of its forms.

[Batya33]

I know a couple of blended families who operate seamlessly. Multiple divorces, remarriages, the works. Some people just live to raise children and have a family, and the more the merrier. Makes me real happy to see it.

 

In my own family, my step father is basically my dad. He is more father to me than my bio dad and even my adoptive dad. I see that some people are saying that being a step parent is not the same as regular parenting, but those people have never seen it done right and they don't know any better. Fortunately, you and I and some other lucky people do know. So, kas88 hold out for that and don't settle. If this guy's family leaves you in the cold, don't forget that there are wonderful, warm and loving people out there who love family in all of its forms.

 

Yes definitely and there are situations where the stepparent steps into the shoes of the biological parent for various reasons and it works beautifully. And if someone wants her own biological or adopted children with 100% of her heart and mind and soul then agreeing to forego that and be a stepparent to me is a bad idea- way too risky all around -for the person who is settling/compromising and for the kids who inevitably will know she settled. It's different when a person wants to be a stepparent and have that role in a family and doesn't want his or her own kids or at least not strongly. Of course there are all sorts of definitions of family and it takes a village IMO to properly raise a child -and unless the OP honestly changes how she views having her own family I don't think being a stepparent will fulfil her true desires.

[Jibralta]

I don't think being a stepparent will fulfil her true desires.

 

I think parenting is really about the kid, not the parent. Just my opinion.

[Batya33]

I think parenting is really about the kid, not the parent. Just my opinion.

 

Sure. I was just responding to her particular issue. She says she wants to either have or adopt her own child. I am going with what she says she wants. He doesn't want what she says she wants. I've "parented" children who are not my own children. I hope to continue to do so. If she decides she doesn't want the parenting situation she says she wants or not as badly I would have a very different opinion.

 

Sure the definition of "parenting" can be whatever you want it to be, whatever makes sense to you even if it's not accepted in a legal or traditional sense. You're entitled. She defines her desire to parent in a specific way and I am going with her definition.

[Pleasedonot5]

Is being a stepmother (not a biological mother) something you're able and willing to accept for the rest of your life?

[itsallgrand]

I know a couple of blended families who operate seamlessly. Multiple divorces, remarriages, the works. Some people just live to raise children and have a family, and the more the merrier. Makes me real happy to see people embracing children regardless of their origin and rising past pettiness.

 

In my own family, my step father is basically my dad. He is more father to me than my bio dad and even my adoptive dad. I see that some people are saying that being a step parent is not the same as regular parenting, but those people have never seen it done right and they don't know any better. Parenting is really about the kid, not the parent. Fortunately, you and I and some other lucky people do know. So, kas88 hold out for that and don't settle. If this guy's family leaves you in the cold, don't forget that there are wonderful, warm and loving people out there who love family in all of its forms.

 

I had a great father. He passed away when I was 14. Later in my teens, my mom had a relationship with a man who she was with for over ten years ( he passed away). I grew close to him, considered him a step dad. Loved him to bits.

But my dad was my dad and always will be. Totally different relationships.

 

OPs bf has a coparenting situation with the children's mom who sounds like, is a 'real' mom to these kids not only biologically but she loves them and is raising them as a mom does.

 

So for a different perspective of having had a dad I loved and a step dad I loved too.

And I certainly get too how in some families, step parents or others ( grandparents, aunts uncles, even family friends) can be the person who fills the role of parentfor a child. All good.

 

I'm confused still if OP is set on being a mom and filling that role or if that's not so important to her.

[Batya33]

I'm confused still if OP is set on being a mom and filling that role or if that's not so important to her.

 

Yes- I had some confusion too because I was surprised she even questioned whether being a step-parent would be enough. It's unusual to see someone who claims to want to have his/her own child (adopted or bio) even question that let alone to that extent.

 

Itsallgrand I am sorry your father passed away when you were young.

[itsallgrand]

Yes- I had some confusion too because I was surprised she even questioned whether being a step-parent would be enough. It's unusual to see someone who claims to want to have his/her own child (adopted or bio) even question that let alone to that extent.

 

Itsallgrand I am sorry your father passed away when you were young.

 

Yes , agreed. Neither is right or wrong, but she needs to be clear with herself what she really wants.

 

And thanks. I'm sorry too , but I'm lucky in that I did have a great dad and I can carry that with me forever.

[abitbroken]

I've been working with a therapist weekly since my divorce. The resentment there built over time into loss of communication, my ex drinking excessively then him ultimately cheating, so there has been a lot to cover. I'm not sure it's carried over resentment, it's a different situation. My husband resented me for being broken and stopped trying with me all together. We tried adoption once, then he gave up. If anything, I resented him not being supportive or willing to let me have a family in any sense because of his own resentments. That's not what's happening here, my new guy is willing to give me a family, just cautiously over time, and not in a biological sense. I respect and understand his stance.

 

 

Fertility treatment AND the long process of adoption take an emotional toll. I don't place any blame on anyone who Decides adoption isn't for them after they get their hopes up, go through a long vetting process only to have a birth family want their kid back or a birth mom choosing another couple or miscarriage of the baby you were matched with. The drinking and cheating are totally different issues, of course. It sounds like you were with a man who was not content to be with you "no matter what" whether kids happened or not.

 

I think you are somehow holding out for a biological kid because then you would have approached the question of "i am dating a man with kids and am afraid to get attached to the kids if we don't get married" .

[abitbroken]

I have to also say at 29 -- there is PLENTY of opportunity to meet a man who is interested in having kids. If you decide to break up with him --- since you can't have kids of your own, if you are sure it wasn't your husband who was the cause of the infertility, there is no biological clock ticking. btw part of the reason he may have been attracted to you is that you can't have kids -- because he is content with who he has. Have you asked him if he would date a woman who had adopted a child? is it the fact that he doesn't want one more child to care for and have a relationship with or he just doesn't want to create another child...

 

I do think i would normally say break up now -- but being that you cannot have kids its not as cut and dry as a young woman who is fertile and is giving up having kids for a guy. Go on dates and decide if this man is as good as you say he is and is someone you want to be with if there are no more kids in the picture

[kas88]

I didn't believe for a moment it was unique, which is why I thought posting here may help me gather some additional wisdom and perspective. Thank you for yours. I do talk with a professional on a weekly basis since my divorce.

 

These are all hypothetical questions any one would consider, and should when entering into what could be a step parent situation. All personalities and complexities still are unknown. It doesn't make your situation unique.

 

What does make it unique is your past experiences and understandably so. No doubt this is a very sensitive issue for you and I understand.

Your new relationship should unfold in an organic way. There are no guarantees, nor crystal balls.

 

Your goal here is address your fears and how they relate to your past disappointments and not allow them to poison the well today.

 

I think your anxiety to a degree is normal. The rest is maybe something you could talk to a professional about?

[kas88]

Yes definitely and there are situations where the stepparent steps into the shoes of the biological parent for various reasons and it works beautifully. And if someone wants her own biological or adopted children with 100% of her heart and mind and soul then agreeing to forego that and be a stepparent to me is a bad idea- way too risky all around -for the person who is settling/compromising and for the kids who inevitably will know she settled. It's different when a person wants to be a stepparent and have that role in a family and doesn't want his or her own kids or at least not strongly. Of course there are all sorts of definitions of family and it takes a village IMO to properly raise a child -and unless the OP honestly changes how she views having her own family I don't think being a stepparent will fulfil her true desires.

 

I did say that, you're right, but I think it was a fear based statement. I want a family, having my own biological or adopted child means that family won't go away, that's the additional appeal. All of my family building options are difficult, require extra care and planning. This option, though I may not be the "momma bear" I do gain two beautiful, funny, intelligent little souls in my life to love whole-heartedly. They're 3 and 4.5 and while I haven't met them yet, I have more than enough videos, photos and stories to know that is true. It's not that I don't want to be a step mom, it's not that I don't want to love those babies with everything that I have, it's that what that looks like isn't entirely up to me, and that despite my best efforts, it could all vanish at any time.

 

It's not lack of love, not being good enough, or not being able to handle the difficult - it's the fear of whether or not this path, this difficult family building plan will give me the life long love that I'm after. All options are difficult, all options have no guarantees, all will take time. This option though, gives me a man I love, who is very thoughtful about his children, and wants to make me a part of his life.

[Batya33]

I did say that, you're right, but I think it was a fear based statement. I want a family, having my own biological or adopted child means that family won't go away, that's the additional appeal. All of my family building options are difficult, require extra care and planning. This option, though I may not be the "momma bear" I do gain two beautiful, funny, intelligent little souls in my life to love whole-heartedly. They're 3 and 4.5 and while I haven't met them yet, I have more than enough videos, photos and stories to know that is true. It's not that I don't want to be a step mom, it's not that I don't want to love those babies with everything that I have, it's that what that looks like isn't entirely up to me, and that despite my best efforts, it could all vanish at any time.

 

It's not lack of love, not being good enough, or not being able to handle the difficult - it's the fear of whether or not this path, this difficult family building plan will give me the life long love that I'm after. All options are difficult, all options have no guarantees, all will take time. This option though, gives me a man I love, who is very thoughtful about his children, and wants to make me a part of his life.

 

OK. If to you being a mother includes being a stepmother then certainly include in your dating pool men who have and do not want more children. You're entitled to define it for yourself any way you wish. Legally you would not be their mother and they have a mother who also happens to be very involved and that might not make a difference to you . I would put absolutely no stock in what you see in videos as far as what it would be like to interact with, let alone parent, these children. They are human beings and seeing videos and photos- I don't care how long or how many - has nothing to do with interacting with them one on one.

Of course it's a truism that there are "no guarantees" -that's not the standard IMO. The standard is being 100% honest with yourself about what you want. Took me around a year to conceive naturally at age 41 -a total miracle! -and of course there are never any guarantees but on balance all the risks were worth it and then some. I also would have looked into adoption if we couldn't conceive. I personally never thought of step parenting as an alternative to having my own child -to me apples/oranges. Again, that's just me.

[kas88]

Is being a stepmother (not a biological mother) something you're able and willing to accept for the rest of your life?

 

Whole-Heartedly. It was never a question of whether or not I would love his babies if we move forward. I wouldn't have agreed to see him in the first place if I couldn't be okay with that. it's whether or not we could expand past that so if those loves leave my life, I still have family. That may be naive or selfish, but that was the thought process. I know there are a lot of notes about OP being confused, yes I am. I'm anxious about next steps, repeating any mistakes, not being able to love those children whole-heartedly and call all three of them my family, or I can and do, but it could all disappear. Even in my last marriage, I wanted family, communication, love. I was really open to how we built that, and what it looked like.

 

I'll say again, the additional appeal of having an adopted or biological child (slim) of my own is that I have family that will continue to stay with me if he decides to go. If I keep building down this path of love, and meeting the children it's really quite scary that all of that build up, all of the love I'm ready to share, the relationships I want to build could go away.

[kas88]

Fertility treatment AND the long process of adoption take an emotional toll. I don't place any blame on anyone who Decides adoption isn't for them after they get their hopes up, go through a long vetting process only to have a birth family want their kid back or a birth mom choosing another couple or miscarriage of the baby you were matched with. The drinking and cheating are totally different issues, of course. It sounds like you were with a man who was not content to be with you "no matter what" whether kids happened or not.

 

I think you are somehow holding out for a biological kid because then you would have approached the question of "i am dating a man with kids and am afraid to get attached to the kids if we don't get married" .

 

We are both divorced, cautious and agreed early on that we wanted to fall for each other first. I told him right away, one of our first conversations, that I did not want to fall for a man's children before falling for him. 1. because it would break my heart to lose them, 2. because I want to make sure if I'm staying it's for him and them, not just them and 3. because it's hard on kids if their parents introduce them to a revolving door of new people.

 

I initially told him I was not interested in dating a man with kids for these reasons, but we decided to be cautious and move forward anyway. He really admired my stance and my honesty.

[kas88]

OK. If to you being a mother includes being a stepmother then certainly include in your dating pool men who have and do not want more children. You're entitled to define it for yourself any way you wish. Legally you would not be their mother and they have a mother who also happens to be very involved and that might not make a difference to you . I would put absolutely no stock in what you see in videos as far as what it would be like to interact with, let alone parent, these children. They are human beings and seeing videos and photos- I don't care how long or how many - has nothing to do with interacting with them one on one.

Of course it's a truism that there are "no guarantees" -that's not the standard IMO. The standard is being 100% honest with yourself about what you want. Took me around a year to conceive naturally at age 41 -a total miracle! -and of course there are never any guarantees but on balance all the risks were worth it and then some. I also would have looked into adoption if we couldn't conceive. I personally never thought of step parenting as an alternative to having my own child -to me apples/oranges. Again, that's just me.

 

I was only meaning to say that I can tell they are beautiful, funny, intelligent little souls who I could love with all I have. I was not saying it showed me how interacting or parenting them could be. I come from a large blended family myself, I know it can be difficult and different for each child involved. Interacting with them one on one will be a learning experience once we're comfortable taking that step.

 

I consider myself to be a very loving, altruistic person - loving a difficult child, not having my own, dealing with a very involved momma, those are all things I can handle, and would be happy to do. It's determining if this risky family building plan has more pay off than an adoption or fertility risky plan. All require thought, care and sacrifices.

[Batya33]

I was only meaning to say that I can tell they are beautiful, funny, intelligent little souls who I could love with all I have. I was not saying it showed me how interacting or parenting them could be. I come from a large blended family myself, I know it can be difficult and different for each child involved. Interacting with them one on one will be a learning experience once we're comfortable taking that step.

 

I consider myself to be a very loving, altruistic person - loving a difficult child, not having my own, dealing with a very involved momma, those are all things I can handle, and would be happy to do. It's determining if this risky family building plan has more pay off than an adoption or fertility risky plan. All require thought, care and sacrifices.

 

Yes- if you are content to step parent as opposed to having your own child then it's all good. You have to figure that out. To me it's two very different roles, experiences, including the legalities. Maybe not to you and that's fine.

 

I think altruism has its place when we make sacrifices for children but what children need IMO is not someone who is always altruistic -that becomes like a martyr -they need someone who is confident and takes care of himself/herself -to see that although they are loved and cared for their parent also cares about themselves. For example my arm is very sore from a vaccine and my son wanted to hug me. I told him he could hug me but only on my "good" side. I tell him when I need space, including from him, and on the other hand I've made huge sacrifices for him and prioritized him and his needs over my own many times over.

I think there are no guarantees with fertility or adoption or carrying a pregnancy to term or having a healthy child. People who are good parents even before being parents know and internalize all of this and choose to go for it anyway.

[kas88]

in the hopes that I can find someone who does want a family with me? I

 

your ex husband wanted a family. How did your marriage break down - did he leave because you could not have a child? Or more likely, did the stress of fertility treatments and a failed adoption put you at odds with eachother? Sometimes an adoption doesn't go through (did you actually get matched with a kid?) but another one does. WHen did you feel the marriage was not worth continuing, on your end? I just find it puzzling that you are looking for a man to have babies with when you already could not have a child.

 

We both wanted a family, it didn't work, he stopped wanting to try, stopped communicating, started drinking then he cheated and asked for a divorce. We were matched with a child, she is 3 years old as of this month. When that did not work out, he didn't even want to talk about trying for kids, or adopting. He shut down on me, and started blaming me for it. I still wanted to try. I felt the marriage was not worth continuing when he asked for a divorce and admitted to cheating. It was the deal breaker. I wanted to fix, and try, and build a family with love. But he was unwilling to do that. I'm looking to have a family that I get to keep. I don't want to lose the family I build, I don't want to keep starting over or repeating mistakes.

[itsallgrand]

Does this fear of having your family taken away from you go further back than your previous marriage??

 

I'm so sorry about the adoption. That honestly made me emotional to read that. I can only imagine how much that must have hurt.

[kas88]

Parenting is really about the kid, not the parent.

 

Yes, I agree with this statement wholeheartedly.