Boyfriend has 2 kids, doesn't want more, knows I do.

[kas88]

I wonder about the responsibility of birth control, considering your differences about having children. It might be an area where resentment could develop. What's the current agreement about birth control, whose responsibility is it, and what if it fails and you get pregnant? Or if you are not using bc because of your experience with infertility and fertility treatments, have you discussed with him what happens if you do get pregnant?

 

I am currently on birth control, started after we got together. We have discussed he does not believe in abortion, and that I wouldn't after what I've experienced. He says he wouldn't be upset or resentful if it did happen, but again, it's a possibility.

[kas88]

I think she wrote above that perhaps if she accidentally got pregnant he might be ok with it or something like that - she mused about that “what if” - hopefully she’s not planning an oops. Didn’t seem so.

 

I'm not this type of woman, I would never "trap him" or plan an oops. My fertility isn't in a state where planning an oops would really be a thing anyway. When I do ovulate sans BC or fertility assistance its very sporadic, spaced out and random.

[SherrySher]

I am just coming into this thread, but it sounds like you're trying to force him into having a child with you.

 

He will end up resenting you and resenting the baby (if it ever happens).

 

Why are you not considering finding another partner who wants the same things as you do?

[kas88]

I am just coming into this thread, but it sounds like you're trying to force him into having a child with you.

 

He will end up resenting you and resenting the baby (if it ever happens).

 

Why are you not considering finding another partner who wants the same things as you do?

 

...How am I trying to force anything? Please read my most recent posts.

[SherrySher]

5 months in is far too soon to even be considering these things. You don't know each other well enough. Soul mates? I think for it to be reasonable, you'd need a year or more to even come close to knowing that.

 

As for his children, I don't think it's necessarily fear based but reality. His children will be his children. They will view you as dad's gf but not a parent.

And yes, they might not like you and yes, they could easily be taken back out of your life should things end with him.

 

That's not fear...those are real possibilities that you need to ask yourself if you can handle should they happen.

If you can't...then this is not the situation for you.

 

It does sound like you're trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

There are a billion people in this world, surely you can find a man who is single, no children and wants to do everything possible to have a child with you.

That in my opinion would make so much more sense than to continue living like you are and hoping it will work out.

 

He doesn't sound like he wants more children, he already said that. That alone should be enough.

Anything else, is you trying to persuade him.

[Batya33]

I'm not this type of woman, I would never "trap him" or plan an oops. My fertility isn't in a state where planning an oops would really be a thing anyway. When I do ovulate sans BC or fertility assistance its very sporadic, spaced out and random.

I never wrote that was your intention. You wondered how he would react. So I responded to what you wrote. I know of many women who had fertility issues who got pregnant surprisingly and naturally. I didn’t know if I had issues but it took us about a year and I got pregnant naturally at 41 - but we were trying without intervention. We were thrilled but surprised too!

[figureitout23]

1. He and I have both been talking about the kids and our goals and ideas since the beginning. I'm scared, confused and admit that throughout the thread here. We both are hoping to build something and have ideals, we don't (either of us) want to repeat our mistakes. We are thinking ahead, we both recognize that. We both recognize we are only 5 months in, but want to make sure what this will look like when we get there will work for both of us. We were both burned and are being cautious and forward thinking.

 

Well maybe we have different ideas of what discussing is. To me discussing life goals in early dating its to see if there are any deal breakers between you two for example:

 

I want to get married/I don’t - deal breaker

 

I want to multidate/I don’t - deal breaker

 

I’m moving to another country/ I want to stay by my family - deal breaker

 

I like to get tied up and asphyxiated/ I like vanilla sex - deal breaker

 

I want kids/ I don’t want kids DEAL BREAKER

 

 

 

2. I agreed with Jibralta on this point 100% and maybe you missed that. This is very much about them as far as I am concerned. I grew up as a stepchild, I know how it felt having new people come into my life, and the things that stung as I grew older in a blended situation. I am very sensitive to them in this, and how to best approach it for them, and that it may still go either way. Yes the beginning was a fear based selfish post - do I want to fall in love with these children and lose them? No. But I really don't want to have them build a relationship with me and lose me either. I don't want them to feel anything less than my full love. The scary parts about the dynamic here relate to having that go away, or having things not go well because of things outside of my control. How their mother chooses to speak about me, how her and my guy interact in front of the kids etc. I know how that can backfire, I've lived it from a childs perspective, but I also cannot control how that goes. I do think parenting is 100% about the children, and making sure they feel loved and accepted by all involved, including me.

 

You said all that but the fact remains, you haven’t met them yet. You are jumping the gun because your fears and anxieties are about you. Not them. Heal yourself first. It isn’t these children’s job.

 

Of course you should love them completely IF you get to that point, big IF. You and he can go Hyperspeed on your relationship all you want but you’re gonna have to meet these children speed and they’re probably not going to want to be an instant family with you. Your addition into their lives should Be natural and organic and happy, For that to happen you are taking a years long journey. These children aren’t missing anything you are!

 

 

3. Yeah, I was a little defensive with your post specifically to me as you said: "5 months and acting like youre soul mates...not such a good sign."

 

It’s not. If you don’t like hearing the truth don’t ask strangers on the internet for advice.

 

I don't see myself as being defensive throughout because of my own stance, but to some posters in particular for not being necessarily empathic, helpful or kind. That's a product of discussing something of a personal nature with strangers on the internet. Not everyone is going to understand me, how I operate or my intentions, pain, fear or ultimate goals.

 

No not all throughout, just to posters who dared to question your intentions. At the end of the day your post is titled: “boyfriend has 2 kids doesn’t want more, knows I do.”

 

Now you’re clinging to this self righteous indignation about step children, in my eyes, because you were questioned. Not about step children, I don’t see where anyone said you weren’t ok with step children, if they did, they did. I know I didn’t. But that’s where you keep trying to steer things so you can hide in your cocoon because we aren’t saying what you want to hear.

 

You aren’t healed from your marriage.

 

You’re desperately trying to fill a void.

 

You will resent this man because this was not a mutually agreed upon decision he has different life goals than you so being with him means you are giving up a major life goal. You will resent him.

 

4. My original post said: "...I'm not someone who needs to have "my own" children in a biological sense, I wouldn't have tried adoption if that were true, but I don't like the idea that if things were to not work out, these children that I love will be taken away from me, and there's nothing I can do about it, because they're not "mine" I have so much love to give..."

 

That stance did not change. I circled back to seeing it was fear that was driving me. Not once did I say I did not want step children, or to grow into this family, quite the opposite the entire way through. Me wanting to have a child was fear of having that all go away, which as some helpful people here helped me see, is entirely a fear based stance, and I cannot live my life based on my most fearful thoughts.

 

Lastly, after having a weekly session with my therapist, who DOES know me, my situation, my fears, my intentions and how I operate. I've decided to continue to move forward with my guy, and let him know that I am still fearful and healing, but that if he's willing to work with me, this is what I want, when I turn down the fear dial.

 

Thank you to everyone who was empathetic, kind, shared real life experiences that were relatable.

 

It also said:

 

I’m worried the more I fall the more I will resent him.

 

So do I hold on knowing I will never have all that I want, in the fear that it's all I can have

 

So twist it all you want. Your original question was quite clear. I made no mention of you not accepting his children. I am pointing out your main issue is you want kids and he doesn’t.

[Jibralta]

Kas88, don’t get discouraged. People read their own issues into other people’s issues ALL THE TIME. It’s really all we can do. You don’t have to defend yourself to anyone. You know who you are and what you want. Take what is useful from this thread and seriously don’t waste time or mental energy trying to convince anyone of anything. Focus that time and energy instead on achieving your goal.

 

ETA: unless you enjoy the fight. In that case, carry on ;)

[Wiseman2]

Agree, do not get caught up in derailing and the hypothetical arguments and posters who speak for you and around you. Good luck whatever you decide with this man and hopefully building the family you want.

You don’t have to defend yourself to anyone. You know who you are and what you want. Take what is useful from this thread and seriously don’t waste time or mental energy trying to convince anyone of anything. Focus that time and energy instead on achieving your goal.

[abitbroken]

I did say that, you're right, but I think it was a fear based statement. I want a family, having my own biological or adopted child means that family won't go away, that's the additional appeal. All of my family building options are difficult, require extra care and planning. This option, though I may not be the "momma bear" I do gain two beautiful, funny, intelligent little souls in my life to love whole-heartedly. They're 3 and 4.5 and while I haven't met them yet, I have more than enough videos, photos and stories to know that is true. It's not that I don't want to be a step mom, it's not that I don't want to love those babies with everything that I have, it's that what that looks like isn't entirely up to me, and that despite my best efforts, it could all vanish at any time.

 

It's not lack of love, not being good enough, or not being able to handle the difficult - it's the fear of whether or not this path, this difficult family building plan will give me the life long love that I'm after. All options are difficult, all options have no guarantees, all will take time. This option though, gives me a man I love, who is very thoughtful about his children, and wants to make me a part of his life.

 

 

I have news for you -- sometimes even biological family is no guarantee of permanency. People die. I have a close friend who lost her son in a tragic accident - a cousin who we are all close to up and left and moved to another country with no way to contact them after a death in the family happened. People cut off their parents or sister or brother. You have to work at every relationship whether its your stepkid, bio kid, whatever. And sometimes even then it doesn't work out.

 

I guess i just find it very very odd that you cannot have children of your own but want some guarantee that you will have kids of your own or that you will be with these kids forever.

If your ex husband didn't want kids at all and you were fertile and you wanted 10, that's one thing...

 

I would love nothing more than a child with my guy but you know what? My body is not cooperating. you have to be with a man you would want to be with - kids or no kids. I know a couple in their 60s that were not able to have kids and they didn't cast eachother aside.

 

So if you want to be with this man - then its because he's the right one for you whether you become a super involved stepmom or you are sort of at a distance.

If he's not the right man -- and you ONLY want to be with him with a guarantee he wants to adopt a child or you will be the exact kind of stepmom you want to be OR you will even marry the guy then don't. Life has no guarantees.

[Batya33]

I agree with all and I didn't see that she is absolutely not fertile. She had issues with fertility and with her ex husband. She is young and certainly might be able to conceive naturally or with intervention in the future.

[JCSK]

I've read all of this now and I would just like to say that I am very sorry that you are in this position, very sorry indeed and I am unsure as to why people have found it necessary to be quite so brutal at times. I would say that if you are absolutely sure that this man is the right man for you and that being a step mum really will suffice then by all means go for it, only you can decide that for yourself. However you MUST be sure about this. Lots of people here have referred to step parenting situations but they differ massively depending on the involvement of the biological parents.

My ex's wife has low fertility and where they are a little different because they have been trying for their own for years, she does often over step the boundaries in terms of how much she tries to parent my two children. She has tried to use my children to fill the void that the lack of her own has created. I am a very empathetic person and can see this is the case, as can everyone else in our lives so I am tolerant when she tries to always act very much like another mother who is completely and utterly equal to me in every way. But whilst I completely appreciate her love for my children, I do find it hard sometimes. She tries to take control over every aspect of their lives from clothes, to hair styles to taking them to the doctors when they don't need to etc. My daughter started her period one weekend when she was only ten. I text my ex to tell him this as it was quite a big deal. The following day I took her to school and went to have a quiet word with her teacher, only to discover their step mum had already stopped off on the way to her work to talk to her teacher instead! Then she tried to take her for her first bra measurement but I actually (kindly) had to put a stop to that. This is my role and mine alone.

I guess what I'm saying is that you must be prepared that you may seek a role in their lives that is unattainable. It will be them as co-parents going to parents evenings and such like and you must be sure that you will always be comfortable as being the support to your partner in HIS parenting of his children and that there will always be boundaries in place in terms of your involvement with them. I'm not saying this to be cruel, far from it, I'm saying it from a position of seeing the hurt of my kids' step mum and the difficulties she's faced in this situation. My ex told me she finds it hard to be in the same room as me and my kids now as when I'm there she feels she has 'no place'. I think it is a shame she feels this way as from my perspective her role is 'step mum' and her role and relationship with them remains the same whether I am standing in the room or not.

I tell you this only as a way to help you truly consider some of the issues you may face and the emotions you may experience as your bond with them grows and whether this something you are willing to accept as your relationship moves forward. You must enter into this with your eyes wide open and with a realistic perspective of what lies ahead.

I do wish you all the best.

[Batya33]

I also made the point that stepparents are not created equal and it depends on the situation and the interpersonal dynamics. However unlike JCSK I have no personal experience with it either in my own family or with respect to my parents. As an aside I am alarmed that a teacher would talk to a stepparent about personal health information unless the stepparent was listed as someone with that level of authority (meaning in a non-emergency situation - and how awkward, too!).

[kas88]

I've read all of this now and I would just like to say that I am very sorry that you are in this position, very sorry indeed and I am unsure as to why people have found it necessary to be quite so brutal at times. I would say that if you are absolutely sure that this man is the right man for you and that being a step mum really will suffice then by all means go for it, only you can decide that for yourself. However you MUST be sure about this. Lots of people here have referred to step parenting situations but they differ massively depending on the involvement of the biological parents.

My ex's wife has low fertility and where they are a little different because they have been trying for their own for years, she does often over step the boundaries in terms of how much she tries to parent my two children. She has tried to use my children to fill the void that the lack of her own has created. I am a very empathetic person and can see this is the case, as can everyone else in our lives so I am tolerant when she tries to always act very much like another mother who is completely and utterly equal to me in every way. But whilst I completely appreciate her love for my children, I do find it hard sometimes. She tries to take control over every aspect of their lives from clothes, to hair styles to taking them to the doctors when they don't need to etc. My daughter started her period one weekend when she was only ten. I text my ex to tell him this as it was quite a big deal. The following day I took her to school and went to have a quiet word with her teacher, only to discover their step mum had already stopped off on the way to her work to talk to her teacher instead! Then she tried to take her for her first bra measurement but I actually (kindly) had to put a stop to that. This is my role and mine alone.

I guess what I'm saying is that you must be prepared that you may seek a role in their lives that is unattainable. It will be them as co-parents going to parents evenings and such like and you must be sure that you will always be comfortable as being the support to your partner in HIS parenting of his children and that there will always be boundaries in place in terms of your involvement with them. I'm not saying this to be cruel, far from it, I'm saying it from a position of seeing the hurt of my kids' step mum and the difficulties she's faced in this situation. My ex told me she finds it hard to be in the same room as me and my kids now as when I'm there she feels she has 'no place'. I think it is a shame she feels this way as from my perspective her role is 'step mum' and her role and relationship with them remains the same whether I am standing in the room or not.

I tell you this only as a way to help you truly consider some of the issues you may face and the emotions you may experience as your bond with them grows and whether this something you are willing to accept as your relationship moves forward. You must enter into this with your eyes wide open and with a realistic perspective of what lies ahead.

I do wish you all the best.

 

JCSK - I appreciate your empathy, and additional information from a similar situation. My heart aches for your ex's new wife, but I do agree with you that she is acting inappropriately. I grew up with step parents, and I really do have a handle on the dynamic. While there are things that will never be appropriate for me to do, love them is not one of them.

 

I am going to bow out from this thread now, and again, would like to thank those who have shared valuable perspective, empathy and asked questions or shared their perspectives (that I agree or disagree with) with candor and respect.

[JCSK]

The school knows that I am happy for her to be involved in their schooling, pick ups, drop offs and general discussions about them etc so may well have thought that it was something that I was aware of, until I came in half an hour later that it is! It was embarrassing for both the teacher and myself and it was one of the few times where I did have to say to my ex that she had overstepped the mark. For the most part I am very empathetic and tolerant but I do have my limits!

[figureitout23]

Kas88, don’t get discouraged. People read their own issues into other people’s issues ALL THE TIME. It’s really all we can do. You don’t have to defend yourself to anyone. You know who you are and what you want. Take what is useful from this thread and seriously don’t waste time or mental energy trying to convince anyone of anything. Focus that time and energy instead on achieving your goal.

 

ETA: unless you enjoy the fight. In that case, carry on ;)

 

If this is directed at you’re gonna have to come harder than that to hurt my feelings.

 

I’ve never been a step parent so I’m not sure how I’m projecting but, as a mother, I would never want anyone trying to fill a void with my children. If that’s me putting my ‘issues’ on her so be it.

 

She’s a grown a** woman! Who is about to give up on life long dream because the dude she’s been dating all of five whole months doesn’t want kids call me crazy for saying this is a bad idea but it’s a bad idea in my humble opinion, I do not think you should give up on a life long dream. She can have an amazing relationship with these children if they become her stepchildren but it is NOT the same

 

She asked for opinions, I gave mine. I have just as much right to one as you do. You’ve been trying to check multiple responders. Are you sure it’s us with the issues?

[journeynow]

I am currently on birth control, started after we got together. We have discussed he does not believe in abortion, and that I wouldn't after what I've experienced. He says he wouldn't be upset or resentful if it did happen, but again, it's a possibility.

He hasn't had a vasectomy, and he's letting birth control rest on your shoulders. That adds complexity to the relationship, IMO, and puts a burden on you. For you it is a continual choice to prevent conception, and my heart goes out to you based on what you've shared.

[Jibralta]

If this is directed at you’re gonna have to come harder than that to hurt my feelings.

 

I’ve never been a step parent so I’m not sure how I’m projecting but, as a mother, I would never want anyone trying to fill a void with my children. If that’s me putting my ‘issues’ on her so be it.

 

She’s a grown a** woman! Who is about to give up on life long dream because the dude she’s been dating all of five whole months doesn’t want kids call me crazy for saying this is a bad idea but it’s a bad idea in my humble opinion, I do not think you should give up on a life long dream. She can have an amazing relationship with these children if they become her stepchildren but it is NOT the same

 

She asked for opinions, I gave mine. I have just as much right to one as you do. You’ve been trying to check multiple responders. Are you sure it’s us with the issues?

 

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. My post wasn't directed at specifically, although your post is definitely what triggered me to support her. Your post was just one of many that frankly disgusted me. And that's not to hurt your feelings, either. I just don't see what you see.

 

The woman has said repeatedly that she would embrace stepchildren. All you (and all the others who are disparaging her) have to do is believe her.

 

Why don't you believe her? I don't know.

 

But it's yawningly typical in a society where women are vilified as entitled, manipulative, self-interested, and scheming.

 

I've rarely met women like that. Most I know are self-sacrificing and loving, even in their worst moments. But your mileage may vary.

[figureitout23]

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. My post wasn't directed at specifically, although your post is definitely what triggered me to support her. Your post was just one of many that frankly disgusted me. And that's not to hurt your feelings, either. I just don't see what you see.

 

The woman has said repeatedly that she would embrace stepchildren. All you (and all the others who are disparaging her) have to do is believe her.

 

Why don't you believe her? I don't know.

 

But it's yawningly typical in a society where women are vilified as entitled, manipulative, self-interested, and scheming.

 

I've rarely met women like that. Most I know are self-sacrificing and loving, even in their worst moments. But your mileage may vary.

 

Where did I say I didn’t believe that she would embrace being a stepmother? I’m not going to lie I skipped over you arguing with other posters but I don’t know when I said I didn’t think she would embrace the children IF given the chance.

 

What I have been saying this entire time is her ORIGINAL concern was if she will eventually resent her boyfriend that they have different life goals. That was her original question, if you don’t believe me, look at the posts title.

 

When people logically pointed out, ‘yeah you’re gonna be super resentful, being a step parent isn’t the same’ you, for whatever reason, lost your ever loving mind and started challenging them.

 

I’m sorry, but I truly believe that being a step parent will not fill the void of wanting to have biological children. It’s simply not the same thing. Another poster eloquently pointed out that her children’s step mother is having issues with her role, because she wants her own children. I can see that very easily happening to the OPer. The difference between that posters ex husband and his wife is they actually tried. The OPers boyfriend isn’t even willing to try. I’m no psychic, but I don’t see how that won’t build resentment.

 

That’s all I’m saying.

 

You can be disgusted with it if you want but at the very least respect me enough to challenge what I’m actually saying.

 

If you want to help the OPer cocoon herself in victimhood that is completely your prerogative, but in my eyes you’re setting her up for heartbreak. She can go on to be married to this man for 50 years. She can have an amazing relationship with these children. But she will live a life where she will not be a biological mother. Her original post led me to believe she wasn’t sure if she was ok with that. Throughout her defensiveness, I know how sensitive of a subject fertility is so i get it, through out her defensiveness that fact still remains, she wouldn’t have posted here if it wasn’t something she’s struggling with.

 

Never did I villainize her. I don’t think she’s a villain, I think she’s rude but people thing I’m rude too, so, it is what it is, my advice is not coming from a place of disdain or judgement. It’s an honest opinion that inserting herself into someone else’s already complete family and convincingly herself it’s enough will slowly destroy her. She’s accepting scraps because she thinks that’s all she can get. She needs to heal from her divorce and the pain of loss so she isn’t accepting whatever just to have a family. Cause once that fear subsides, the resentment will be what’s left behind.

[Jibralta]

I just don't agree with you.

[SherrySher]

I think what concerned me is...having your own child is the best thing in the world. OP shouldn't miss out on that opportunity. She is still young, there is still hope for her to have her own child.

Even if she adopted, to finally hold her own tiny baby would be amazing.

 

She is dating a man who already has his own children, it will never bring her the kind of love her own child would, adopted or otherwise, the baby would still be all hers.

I hope she takes the time to realize that although this man might seem nice, she really needs to weigh her options much more carefully as we only have one go in this life.

 

I hope she finds someone else with whom she can share the dream of having their own baby and do everything possible to make that dream come true.

To lose that opportunity and to give that dream up for a man she hasn't even been with that long, in my opinion would be a tragedy...truly.

 

She can possibly love these step children one day, but it is no where in the same vicinity of holding your own newborn.

[Jibralta]

After clarification, it seems to me that OP views all three forms of parenthood equally, and that one type of child does not provide a more satisfying parental experience than another. I have to assume that the lady knows what she wants just as well as any of us do. I think she came here to discuss the challenges of her situation and possible approaches that she can take. Unfortunately, the discussion has gone into the weeds.

[Batya33]

I thought perhaps she had actually changed her mind from her initial post. On reflection I don’t agree that she changed her mind in any genuine way that would resonate. That’s just my opinion from what I’ve read in her first post and later when she seemed to change her mind. Seemed. and based on my direct and vicarious experiences with parenthood for over 30 years including almost ten as a mom and years teaching and nannying and volunteering with kids and having multiple friends and family members go through fertility and adoption issues and issues with partners who weren’t on the same page as far as having their own children and what it means to be a parent, what it means to want your own child whether bio or adopted etc.

 

obviously there could be rare exceptions where someone who says he or she wants his own child more than anything actually means it’s interchangeable with being a step parent to kids who already have two loving and involved parents. I’ve never heard anyone express that in any way other than perhaps settling. Doesn’t mean it can’t happen but im my opinion it’s extremely rare.

 

So I agree with those posters who doubt she would be satisfied to be a step parent particularly in this situation where these children already have two biological and highly involved parents. And agree that st some point it will become a highly risky choice as her chances at being a bio mom diminish further and as it might become harder to adopt a newborn if she would prefer that situation over an older child.

I also think it’s a really sensitive decision and of course in the future she might change her mind. Nothing I’ve read makes me think she has here. And I don’t think she should at all hope that her boyfriend will change his mind. I commend him for his honesty from the get go.

[JCSK]

The OP has bowed out of the thread now. I can only speak from my own experiences as a mother and the constant struggles my children's step mother has in trying (unsuccessfully) to fill a void with my children. It has not worked. I think the hardest thing for her is that she knows that she can never share the same bond with my children that I have and I seen her try so hard to achieve this.

 

All we can do is advise and share our experiences though.

 

I do wish her well

[Seraphim]

Speaking as someone who had stepfathers, I had/have 2. The first one I lost when him and my mom broke up . That really impacted my life for the worse . And my brother is still affected to this day at 48 years old thinking that his stepfather dumped him . Both my stepfather’s have been far better to us than our biological father . And I met my second step father when I was 25 years old . He calls me his daughter and in most cases I am actually treated better than his own biological children . Probably because I do more for my parents than any of the five children .

 

In my heart though I still wish that my own biological father had been a good dad . I really from my heart do.