Boyfriend has 2 kids, doesn't want more, knows I do.

[kas88]

Does this fear of having your family taken away from you go further back than your previous marriage??

I'm so sorry about the adoption. That honestly made me emotional to read that. I can only imagine how much that must have hurt.

 

No, but I'm sure it feeds into it. I don't want to keep ending up alone. I married a man who I loved, who I knew I wanted children with, in the beginning of our struggles said I'll still love you if we cant. He changed his mind. He couldn't. But it was easier for him I think, to end up being the drunk, or the bad guy who cheated, than admitting he lied about that. I'm just speculating.

[Batya33]

I grew up with step parents, who are still very much a part of my life, I see what you're saying here. They're just as much my parents as my physical parents, one of whom isn't even married into the family anymore. but I knew them my entire life, they were always there.

 

As far as joining an established family, yeah it'll be difficult, but truly, all of my family options are difficult.

Certainly if you see joining an established family and being a step parent the same as being a mother to your own child then you’re lucky in this sense. Your perspective is highly unusual for someone who wants to be a mother - certainly more typical of someone who is fine either way and therefore would be fine with step parenting because then you don’t have to go through fertility treatments or trying to adopt. So with your perspective - that you will be a mother whether or not they are your children you have so many more options. If you don’t need biological or legal ties to the child as far as adoption then you can be a mother by being a step parent or by getting involved with kids in some other way maybe as a volunteer or a close family friend who’s considered an “aunt” etc

 

I misread your original post to mean you two wanted different things. But you don’t. You want the same things. He doesn’t want more children but would be happy to have you as their step parent and now you say you want to be a mother to his children and you agree with Jibralta that it doesn’t matter if you’re not their mother in the legal or biological sense. If that will fulfill you then I say go for it. I completely misread your original post and intent.

[Capricorn3]

No, but I'm sure it feeds into it. I don't want to keep ending up alone..

This sounds like a person looking for children, or marriage, or just something, anything, to fill a hole. A want. A need. Does this come from something in your past? I only ask because I have always been fascinated when I see people having this fear of being alone. What is it about being alone that scares you? Alone doesn't automatically have to mean lonely (if that's what you're afraid of).

I would dig a little deeper to figure out where all this is coming from.

[Jibralta]

I was just responding to her particular issue. She says she wants to either have or adopt her own child. I am going with what she says she wants.

 

No, what she said is:

 

I just want a family. I don't need it to be biological. I'd love to have biological children, but that's a stretch with or without my new guy. I want to be able to build to a point where I can call them, all three of them, my family, not "his kids" - this may be "my family"

 

The she said she was worried about building towards it with her boyfriend because it could be taken away:

 

but I worry about continuing to grow into that and build towards it, and it all being taken away because on paper, they're not.

 

Then, after you responded and said she , she asked:

 

You don't think having a life long relationship with his kids would be enough for me is what you're saying here?

 

But she never said she didn't want step kids, just that she was aware of and fearful of the risk involved.

 

 

(ETA: I see that kas88 cleared this up herself.)

[Jibralta]

I consider myself to be a very loving, altruistic person - loving a difficult child, not having my own, dealing with a very involved momma, those are all things I can handle, and would be happy to do. It's determining if this risky family building plan has more pay off than an adoption or fertility risky plan. All require thought, care and sacrifices.

 

You sound a lot like a friend of mine, who I consider to be a natural born mother. She can't help it. She just gravitates to the role in every form. And kids listen to her. It's like magic. She really has a gift. Her former stepfather (yes, another blended family!), raised her and her brother since they were little kids through to their adulthood. He had no kids of his own until after he divorced their mother and remarried. My friend and her brother now have two little sisters--who aren't biological--and they have remained close to their stepdad and his new wife. Their mom maintains a friendship with the stepdad & new wife, as well! In fact this is one of two families I know of in which there were multiple marriages and divorces, but the kids and the parents ALL manage to see each other on a regular basis and get along.

 

The friend I mentioned above has four children of her own. She recently married a guy who has two children, and you could tell right off the bat that she took ownership of his kids way before the marriage. I remember going to dinner with her after their relationship really started to hit its stride. She told the waitress that she had six kids. I laughed to myself because she is drop-dead gorgeous and this waitress was probably like, "How the hell do you have six kids?" It's already ridiculous that she has four kids of her own. The two step kids are teenage girls and she is having quite a struggle with them, and also with their mother. But she is totally into it and in her element. Like I said, this is what she is built for. But I digress...

 

My stepfather actually did the same thing when he came into our lives. He introduced my sister and I as his daughters. We were around 30 years old at the time so I found it a bit odd at first. But 11+ years later I see how beautiful a thing it is and I don't question it any more. It really is altruism.

 

You're not unusual or weird for feeling the way that you do. In fact, the more I write, the more I people I recall who have this lifestyle. My ex-boyfriend, my uncle.... lord, I could go on and on.

 

So, don't be discouraged. And do keep in mind that this is just one of several options open to you. Don't panic and commit to something because you feel like it's your last chance. It is definitely NOT.

[Batya33]

No, what she said is:

 

 

 

The she said she was worried about building towards it with her boyfriend because it could be taken away:

 

 

 

Then, after you responded and said she , she asked:

 

 

 

But she never said she didn't want step kids, just that she was aware of and fearful of the risk involved.

 

 

(ETA: I see that kas88 cleared this up herself.)

 

I completely agree with you and I read her initial words differently including her title. If she is being honest with herself and to her being a stepparent will fulfill her desire to be a mother then it is all good and then the title of her thread confuses me because if that is true - then she and her boyfriend are on the same page. Obviously whether that would have been enough for me or anyone else is irrelevant. You seem to have some kind of personal stake in what it means to be a parent - I think there are legal and traditional understandings (whether you or anyone agrees with those on a personal level). I read her post to be along those lines. Later she either clarified or changed her mind/perspective. Either way I'm fine with it Sorry if it struck some kind of nerve and I'm not interested at all in debating but rather helping the OP. It was challenging for me to give her helpful input at first because of how she worded her posts.

 

And 100% yes -if she wanted her own adopted or biological child as a top priority I do not think, personally, stepparenting would fulfill that desire equally (at best she'd be taking a huge risk and at the risk of the children being happy) and she would have a high risk of settling and feel resentful to everyone's detriment. Now she says she wants to be a mother whether the kids involved are adopted, biological or stepchildren. That's different and that to me means she and her boyfriend are on the same page. And of course you can disagree with my opinion in the first sentence!

 

I've always been a natural born mother and mothered many different children in many ways and continue to. And I never would have gone on a date with someone or another date if he wasn't 100% into having biological children with me or adopting if we couldn't. Both are equally true for me. And I think that's very typical. As I wrote she's lucky that she doesn't feel that way because her boyfriend does not want more kids.

[itsallgrand]

I may have misunderstood too. I initially thought she meant she was fine with being a step parent but also wanted to bring an additional child into the fold ( either by birth or adoption ). Since her bf has expressed he doesn't want that, I thought that was the conflict for her.

 

I'm very curious, like Capricorn, about where this fear of being left with no one is coming from. I think once she is more at peace about that, everything else will click into place.

[kas88]

I may have misunderstood too. I initially thought she meant she was fine with being a step parent but also wanted to bring an additional child into the fold ( either by birth or adoption ). Since her bf has expressed he doesn't want that, I thought that was the conflict for her.

 

I'm very curious, like Capricorn, about where this fear of being left with no one is coming from. I think once she is more at peace about that, everything else will click into place.

 

I spent 10 years with someone I wanted to build a family with, it didn't happen then I ended up alone. I lost most of "his family" in addition to not having been able to build an immediate family with him. Now in my new relationship, we are both divorced, cautious, fearful even - there is a higher chance statistically this doesn't work out - do I want that? No. Do I want to repeat my mistakes? No. Do I want to end up alone again, losing extended or immediate family that I have taken into my heart as my own? No. It's 100% fear of landing in a similar situation, even if he is an entirely different man. We both aren't perfect, I am not perfect.

[Batya33]

No one is talking about perfection and as you know having been around children it’s not perfect lol. I cannot relate to your feeling “alone “ as in “lonely “ without having step children or your own children. Meaning it seems to be a driving force. Maybe I’m not understanding your posts correctly

[kas88]

No one is talking about perfection and as you know having been around children it’s not perfect lol. I cannot relate to your feeling “alone “ as in “lonely “ without having step children or your own children. Meaning it seems to be a driving force. Maybe I’m not understanding your posts correctly

 

I suppose I am having trouble understanding why this doesn't make sense to others. Giving everything you have and all of your love to a partner, to a family is a big deal. I don't do halfway. Me doing this gives this man and his children all of my love, all of my emotional energy, everything I can to build them up and have a happy life together. Why in the world is it complicated that the idea of that going away is in someways scary? Or risky? Why is it complicated that losing people I love and build strong bonds with is not something that I want? Something that I fear?

[boltnrun]

Because you're allowing fear of what might happen in the future negatively affect your present.

 

I could walk out my front door and a piano or an airplane or a piece of space debris could land on my head. That doesn't mean I should just sit at home all the time.

 

Life is risk. You could meet the kids and not get along with them. Or you could get along like gangbusters. You and he could break up next week. Or you could be married for 50 years.

 

There are some things you can do to mitigate loss but it only goes so far. Do you want to let fear of what might happen run your life?

[kas88]

I see what you’re saying. And I recognize that many of my comments and worries have been fear based

[Jibralta]

You seem to have some kind of personal stake in what it means to be a parent

 

What do you think I have to gain from what it means to be a parent? I really don't understand what you are saying here.

 

I'm not interested at all in debating but rather helping the OP.

 

If you don't want to debate, then I don't know why you continue to reply to my posts. They are just my opinion, which I am sharing with kas88 and they have nothing to do with you or your opinions. I think if you read back, you'll see that I haven't addressed you or challenged you in any of my posts but the last one, where I tried to clarify what kas88 was saying.

[Jibralta]

I see what you’re saying. And I recognize that many of my comments and worries have been fear based

 

Yes, exactly!

[Capricorn3]

I just don't under WHY all this fear about being alone in the first place. The vast majority of people don't agonise about going into a relationship with the possibility of it ending. People don't usually go into a relationship with a feeling of desperation (of wanting a family) and at the same time panicking about losing something that hasn't even happened yet. There is just so much FEAR. Too much fear. A sense of desperation and panic.

I'm probably rambling now because I can't get my head around it. I'm just trying to understand WHY why the fear of being alone. To me, alone doesn't have to mean a miserable sad life.

[Batya33]

What do you think I have to gain from what it means to be a parent? I really don't understand what you are saying here.

 

 

 

If you don't want to debate, then I don't know why you continue to reply to my posts. They are just my opinion, which I am sharing with kas88 and they have nothing to do with you or your opinions. I think if you read back, you'll see that I haven't addressed you or challenged you in any of my posts but the last one, where I tried to clarify what kas88 was saying.

 

I responded to your critique of my posts on post number 54 where you went point by point comparing what I wrote to what she wrote.. Thanks for clarifying on the rest. I understand you view what it means to be a parent differently. I was trying to focus on how the OP defines it and more importantly on what she wants which to me seemed to change from her title and first post to what came next.

[Batya33]

I suppose I am having trouble understanding why this doesn't make sense to others. Giving everything you have and all of your love to a partner, to a family is a big deal. I don't do halfway. Me doing this gives this man and his children all of my love, all of my emotional energy, everything I can to build them up and have a happy life together. Why in the world is it complicated that the idea of that going away is in someways scary? Or risky? Why is it complicated that losing people I love and build strong bonds with is not something that I want? Something that I fear?

 

I think it's normal to fear loss in anything you invest in. The extent to which it informs your actions/reactions/decisions seems unusual and that is why I (and I think others) are inquiring as to the root of this extent of fear and the way you are expressing it.

[Jibralta]

I responded to your critique of my posts on post number 54 where you went point by point comparing what I wrote to what she wrote.. Thanks for clarifying on the rest. I understand you view what it means to be a parent differently. I was trying to focus on how the OP defines it and more importantly on what she wants which to me seemed to change from her title and first post to what came next.

 

You should go back and re-read my post 54. I only addressed your claim that she wanted her own child or to adopt.

[Batya33]

You should go back and re-read my post 54. I only addressed your claim that she wanted her own child or to adopt.

 

Seemed to me it went on longer than that -that is how I read it even though you only reproduced part of what I wrote. Anyway again thanks for clarifying and sharing your understanding of what being a parent means to you -very interesting and I am sure helpful to the OP.

[figureitout23]

You don't think having a life long relationship with his kids would be enough for me is what you're saying here?

 

You’re 5 months into a relationship, you’re desperately trying to fill a void not develop something organically.

 

I think parenting is really about the kid, not the parent. Just my opinion.

 

Exactly, she hasn’t even met these children yet and she already has all these ideals, that’s not based on them, how could it be? it’s based on her.

 

Yes , agreed. Neither is right or wrong, but she needs to be clear with herself what she really wants.

 

Exactly. The Uber defensiveness is incredibly telling to me.

 

This sounds like a person looking for children, or marriage, or just something, anything, to fill a hole. A want. A need. Does this come from something in your past? I only ask because I have always been fascinated when I see people having this fear of being alone. What is it about being alone that scares you? Alone doesn't automatically have to mean lonely (if that's what you're afraid of).

I would dig a little deeper to figure out where all this is coming from.

 

BINGO!

 

I may have misunderstood too. I initially thought she meant she was fine with being a step parent but also wanted to bring an additional child into the fold ( either by birth or adoption ). Since her bf has expressed he doesn't want that, I thought that was the conflict for her.

 

I'm very curious, like Capricorn, about where this fear of being left with no one is coming from. I think once she is more at peace about that, everything else will click into place.

 

That’s also how I read it. She got super defensive so as the post went on her drive and intent changed drastically. At the end of the day, I’m following her original question: She wants to have her own child with a man who does not.

[Batya33]

You’re 5 months into a relationship, you’re desperately trying to fill a void not develop something organically.

 

 

 

Exactly, she hasn’t even met these children yet and she already has all these ideals, that’s not based on them, how could it be? it’s based on her.

 

 

 

Exactly. The Uber defensiveness is incredibly telling to me.

 

 

 

BINGO!

 

 

 

That’s also how I read it. She got super defensive so as the post went on her drive and intent changed drastically. At the end of the day, I’m following her original question: She wants to have her own child with a man who does not.

 

Very well put and responded to and I agree, especially with the part of not having met the kids now and going on this sort of fantasy notion about how lovable they are from videos and photos and how the relationship will be. I am trying to honor the OP's seeming change of heart from her title/original post but I will add that I don't think I was mistaken at all that what she clearly meant was she wants her own children -biological/adopted and he wants no more children with her (or anyone). I don't think she meant in the first post "I want my own children and that want could be just as satisfied by mothering his existing children who already have an involved mother and father." I do agree also that the "well, my own children could never be taken away from me so that's the only difference" is a response to filling a void, not based on wanting to be a parent.

 

Also, fear is part of parenting and as a parent it's our job to not choose to let the fear play a dominant role including the fear of losing the child and all the "what ifs" - in part because it can impede the child's healthy development, strain your marriage and strain the family And because the mindset of "no one can ever take you away from me" can also trigger needy/clingy behaviors in general - and the truth is -our children can be taken away from us and also they can take themselves away from us in really important ways -and in really healthy ways (we're all in theory supposed to want our children to leave us and spread their wings and be independent - and practice having them leave us, step by step - as much as some of us have our moments where we think it's going wayyy too fast, etc).

 

So yes you would always be their legal parent but you have to be prepared to have that feeling and experience of "taking away" in other, non-technical ways-and embrace it when it involves their independence. The "you will fill the void /you will be the answer to my fear of taken away" will create the opposite energy/vibe with your child in my non-professional opinion.

 

I wrote above that you seemed to modify your view to mean that you’d be just as happy to be a step parent to these children who already have two involved biological parents. I do still respect that if you change your mind and heart then so be it. But you wouldn’t have made this post if that’s what you meant in the first place unless you meant “I want my own kids because then they’d be mine legally but is they something I should care about since that is just based on fear of losing a family that is not mine in the legal sense”. Maybe that is all it means to you. And if so consider whether you want to go through potential adoption or fertility so that having a child taken away would require more than you and your boyfriend breaking up. My sense from your first post was that being a bio or adopted parent meant a whole lot more to you than just this point.

I realize others might not see any difference in being a parent to a child who you adopted/birthed vs a child who you step parent in this kind of situation - where you come on the scene to parent children who already have two loving and living and involved biological parents. Certainly there are situations where the parent a child knows from birth or early on as “daddy” is actually the stepfather and it makes zero difference to the child if the bio dad abandoned him at birth for example (or similar examples). But this is a very different situation and you know it from all you write.

 

So I got the strong sense this wasn’t just on the technicalities of who is the legal parent. But I could be wrong.

[journeynow]

Also, and I mean no offense, children and dating goals should be discussed very early. I would say by date 3 if not earlier.

It was discussed early. We talked about how I may not be able to have kids, and how he didn't want any more. How I tried adopting and don't need biological children. The feelings I'm having now, relate to bringing these non biological children into my heart, and what if I have to let them go? What if their mother purposefully makes it hard on me? What if his views on what my role as a step parent differ from my own? How much of a seat do I get at this family table?

 

Whereas I could keep throwing money and hope into fertility treatments or adoption, and potentially end up with a family that no one could take away from me.

 

There are no guarantees either way.

 

I wonder about the responsibility of birth control, considering your differences about having children. It might be an area where resentment could develop. What's the current agreement about birth control, whose responsibility is it, and what if it fails and you get pregnant? Or if you are not using bc because of your experience with infertility and fertility treatments, have you discussed with him what happens if you do get pregnant?

[Batya33]

I wonder about the responsibility of birth control, considering your differences about having children. It might be an area where resentment could develop. What's the current agreement about birth control, whose responsibility is it, and what if it fails and you get pregnant? Or if you are not using bc because of your experience with infertility and fertility treatments, have you discussed with him what happens if you do get pregnant?

 

I think she wrote above that perhaps if she accidentally got pregnant he might be ok with it or something like that - she mused about that “what if” - hopefully she’s not planning an oops. Didn’t seem so.

[journeynow]

I think she wrote above that perhaps if she accidentally got pregnant he might be ok with it or something like that - she mused about that “what if” - hopefully she’s not planning an oops. Didn’t seem so.

 

OK, thanks! I missed that.

[kas88]

You’re 5 months into a relationship, you’re desperately trying to fill a void not develop something organically.

 

Exactly, she hasn’t even met these children yet and she already has all these ideals, that’s not based on them, how could it be? it’s based on her.

 

Exactly. The Uber defensiveness is incredibly telling to me.

 

BINGO!

 

That’s also how I read it. She got super defensive so as the post went on her drive and intent changed drastically. At the end of the day, I’m following her original question: She wants to have her own child with a man who does not.

 

1. He and I have both been talking about the kids and our goals and ideas since the beginning. I'm scared, confused and admit that throughout the thread here. We both are hoping to build something and have ideals, we don't (either of us) want to repeat our mistakes. We are thinking ahead, we both recognize that. We both recognize we are only 5 months in, but want to make sure what this will look like when we get there will work for both of us. We were both burned and are being cautious and forward thinking.

 

2. I agreed with Jibralta on this point 100% and maybe you missed that. This is very much about them as far as I am concerned. I grew up as a stepchild, I know how it felt having new people come into my life, and the things that stung as I grew older in a blended situation. I am very sensitive to them in this, and how to best approach it for them, and that it may still go either way. Yes the beginning was a fear based selfish post - do I want to fall in love with these children and lose them? No. But I really don't want to have them build a relationship with me and lose me either. I don't want them to feel anything less than my full love. The scary parts about the dynamic here relate to having that go away, or having things not go well because of things outside of my control. How their mother chooses to speak about me, how her and my guy interact in front of the kids etc. I know how that can backfire, I've lived it from a childs perspective, but I also cannot control how that goes. I do think parenting is 100% about the children, and making sure they feel loved and accepted by all involved, including me.

 

 

3. Yeah, I was a little defensive with your post specifically to me as you said: "5 months and acting like youre soul mates...not such a good sign."

 

I don't see myself as being defensive throughout because of my own stance, but to some posters in particular for not being necessarily empathic, helpful or kind. That's a product of discussing something of a personal nature with strangers on the internet. Not everyone is going to understand me, how I operate or my intentions, pain, fear or ultimate goals.

 

4. My original post said: "...I'm not someone who needs to have "my own" children in a biological sense, I wouldn't have tried adoption if that were true, but I don't like the idea that if things were to not work out, these children that I love will be taken away from me, and there's nothing I can do about it, because they're not "mine" I have so much love to give..."

 

That stance did not change. I circled back to seeing it was fear that was driving me. Not once did I say I did not want step children, or to grow into this family, quite the opposite the entire way through. Me wanting to have a child was fear of having that all go away, which as some helpful people here helped me see, is entirely a fear based stance, and I cannot live my life based on my most fearful thoughts.

 

Lastly, after having a weekly session with my therapist, who DOES know me, my situation, my fears, my intentions and how I operate. I've decided to continue to move forward with my guy, and let him know that I am still fearful and healing, but that if he's willing to work with me, this is what I want, when I turn down the fear dial.

 

Thank you to everyone who was empathetic, kind, shared real life experiences that were relatable.