Getting an engaged ex back

[Capricorn3]

DO NOT SHOW UP ANYWHERE. Accept that she has chosen to marry and back away forever. Respect her marriage. Don't call or text. Don't try to "show up to run into her". Become a ghost. disappear. Block her on social media so you don't have to see pictures. Move on. If she wanted to marry you, she would be married to you. You were already direct with her (as you have stated) and she wasn't interested in trying again. Respect her marriage. Move on. I know its hard - but you must accept the breakup

^ THIS is worth repeating. OP, you need to learn to accept that you no longer have any business there. She's made her choice. Learn to respect that. Back off and stay off. She belongs to another now. Don't contact. Don't show up. No letters. No emails. Nothing.

 

Last but not least, this is also about self-respect. Time for you to move on. She certainly has. Again. ... you have NO business there.

[figureitout23]

Sometimes it is. For me in this situation, it was. Not everything works out badly.

 

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Not really.

 

He cheated and was still around the woman years later. Don’t know any movies that go that way...

 

I think you’re idealizing your situation and in turn potentially setting up the poster to humiliate himself.

 

If she’s angry at him, I’m going to guess it’s quite possible he has already tried to get her back.

 

It’s also quite possible he is feeling anxiety because she is literally hours from getting married and it’s causing him to panic and act irrationally.

 

Another possibility is that she’s rebounding and they’re actually meant to be.

 

All of these are possibilities. The first two being a more glass half enpty approach. At the end of the day, you have to let things play out and let people live their lives, and learn from their mistakes, failures and triumphs. if they come back to you, well maybe it was meant to be.

[SweetGirl28]

Not really.

 

He cheated and was still around the woman years later. Don’t know any movies that go that way...

 

I think you’re idealizing your situation and in turn potentially setting up the poster to humiliate himself.

 

If she’s angry at him, I’m going to guess it’s quite possible he has already tried to get her back.

 

It’s also quite possible he is feeling anxiety because she is literally hours from getting married and it’s causing him to panic and act irrationally.

 

Another possibility is that she’s rebounding and they’re actually meant to be.

 

All of these are possibilities. The first two being a more glass half enpty approach. At the end of the day, you have to let things play out and let people live their lives, and learn from their mistakes, failures and triumphs. if they come back to you, well maybe it was meant to be.

 

Im not idealizing my situation. But I do realize there's several very jaded posters in these forums that think everything is final with an ex, when that's not always the case. If people never forgave one another, there would be no couples and no marriages. I don't practice dismissing people and discarding like garbage. Had my ex not had businesses, which he still has, in another state , we would have been married and guaranteed to still be today. And may be one day. It's not off the table.

 

I'm not setting anyone up for humiliation. Everyone needs to do what's right for them. He asked me a question, I gave him an answer.

 

I did say since there's been NC for a year, to let it go. I thought they were in contact because he said she was rebounding and I assumed it was more recent. Still, she spent 6 years with him, vs fiancée whom she's known a year. He moved away from her. Of course she moved on.

 

It not humiliating to tell someone how you feel. It might be the last opportunity to do so. To show at the wedding, no. To contact prior if they had contact, don't see the issue. There's no shame in loving someone you had a LTR with and wishing them well , letting them know that.

 

To Gordon, I just saw Thomas Rhett in concert. He has a song, "Marry Me" it's sad, but it might help you. Best wishes in healing to you.

[GordonSEyez]

Why didn't you marry her? You were together for 6 years.

 

At the time I wasn’t ready. We got together right out of high school and a part of me wasn’t ready to settle down. Foolish move on my part, I know. Part of the reason the relationship went south was her pressuring me to commit and I resented her for that which led me to eventually breaking up with her.

[GordonSEyez]

Ok, you guys have all given me a lot to think about. As I said, I don’t want her to end up hating me so perhaps the wedding isn’t the time to air out my feelings, but maybe in a few months we could perhaps ease into being friends again?

[Capricorn3]

Ok, you guys have all given me a lot to think about. As I said, I don’t want her to end up hating me so perhaps the wedding isn’t the time to air out my feelings, but maybe in a few months we could perhaps ease into being friends again?

NO. The ship has sailed. I also highly doubt her husband will be happy having you around trying to be "friends" with his wife. You need to learn to accept that it's over and you need to move on.

[SweetGirl28]

Not sure that will happen. Her husband might take issue with that. And she may not want it out of respect for him.

I'm not a person who cares if my partner has contact with an ex but I'm confident so unless they are sexting, idc what they're doing.

 

What benefit would you get from friendship anyway? You can't be friends if you want the person romantically.

You broke up with her, the ball was in your court for the past year. Let your feelings settle . It will get easier.

[GordonSEyez]

Not sure that will happen. Her husband might take issue with that. And she may not want it out of respect for him.

I'm not a person who cares if my partner has contact with an ex but I'm confident so unless they are sexting, idc what they're doing.

 

What benefit would you get from friendship anyway? You can't be friends if you want the person romantically.

You broke up with her, the ball was in your court for the past year. Let your feelings settle . It will get easier.

 

You’re right about her husband not liking it, but he didn’t like it that we were friends when they split up before and we kept being friends even after they got back together until I crossed the line like a dumb*** and she cut me off. She’s a “I do what an want” kind of gal, so if I get back on her good side, it should all be good. I just need some confirmation over if she’s still mad at me and I have no way of knowing unless I try talking to her

 

As far as the ball being in my court, it’s not like I didn’t try to get her back both before she got serious with this guy and after they split for a few months and I probably could have last year, but it was difficult with him being around trying (and succeeding) to win her back.

[SGH]

Damn, man. You need to realize how ridiculous and selfish you sound. She isn't "yours". Plotting to ruin her relationship is all the proof I need that this is about ego and not love. Get your twisted self to therapy so you can figure out why you are so obsessed with your ex that you feel the need to try to ruin her future marriage. I hope she keeps making good choices and stays far away from you.

[boltnrun]

She doesn't have to be "mad at" you to not be comfortable with you trying to lurk around pretending to be her friend when in reality you're trying to get her back, when she's going to be married to someone else.

 

Are you sure you don't want to win her back just because your ego got hurt when she picked him instead of you?

 

Also, seems like she's known him for more than one year if this is their second go round.

[Hollyj]

Ok, you guys have all given me a lot to think about. As I said, I don’t want her to end up hating me so perhaps the wedding isn’t the time to air out my feelings, but maybe in a few months we could perhaps ease into being friends again?

 

No. That would be inappropriate. I don;t think that her husband would be cool with that.

 

You want this woman back. You cannot be friends. Leave her be. Move on.

[GordonSEyez]

Are you sure you don't want to win her back just because your ego got hurt when she picked him instead of you?

 

I get how it may appear to be that way, but I learned to check my ego LONG AGO when it comes to relationships. It’s a huge part of why things fell apart the first time (developed a case of GIGS after graduation, had a close “friend” of hers constantly flirting with me and trying to get me to leave my ex, thought I could do better, same old same old). This has zero to do with my ego because I would have ran in the other direction when she reached out to me last year after their split.

 

And I have no intention on ruining their marriage to anyone that’s suggested. I feel as though in time, that will most likely disapate on its own (and I’m not the only one who thinks that). But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about being with her in the future kind of way, but right now I really do miss the friendship more than anything.

[SweetGirl28]

You’re right about her husband not liking it, but he didn’t like it that we were friends when they split up before and we kept being friends even after they got back together until I crossed the line like a dumb*** and she cut me off. She’s a “I do what an want” kind of gal, so if I get back on her good side, it should all be good. I just need some confirmation over if she’s still mad at me and I have no way of knowing unless I try talking to her

 

As far as the ball being in my court, it’s not like I didn’t try to get her back both before she got serious with this guy and after they split for a few months and I probably could have last year, but it was difficult with him being around trying (and succeeding) to win her back.

 

Oh, so they dated before you dated her? So he's really not a rebound. He's an ex whom she now marrying. Gotcha. I think.

There's a lot of breaking and making up between her and the two of you.

Some here are being crass to you, but I do think you need to let it go. I'm sorry. You'll connect with someone, I promise.

The hurt does fade. You do fall in love again. Time really does heal everything. You just have to get through it.

[GordonSEyez]

Oh, so they dated before you dated her? So he's really not a rebound. He's an ex whom she now marrying. Gotcha. I think.

There's a lot of breaking and making up between her and the two of you.

Some here are being crass to you, but I do think you need to let it go. I'm sorry. You'll connect with someone, I promise.

The hurt does fade. You do fall in love again. Time really does heal everything. You just have to get through it.

 

No we dated first for 6 years, broke up and then they got together like maybe 2 or 3 months afterwards.

[Clio]

You have already tried to get back with her and it didn't work out. Imo, you need to accept that it is over and let go. Go nc, heal and move on. You need to let go of the notion than you know what is best for her. This woman decided that marrying him is what is best for her. It's her decision + her life.

 

You need to take her off the pedestal. You did make mistakes but had it meant to be, she wouldn't be marrying another guy. It sounds like your relationship ran its cycle and what was left was unsustainable hence how you got to this point. Regardless of whether this marriage is a mistake or not, what you two had was not strong enough. Trust was broken. Communication was broken. Both of you kept giving up. These are serious indications that what you two had was not viable. Regardless of the other guy.

 

Imo, you need to accept that it wasn't meant to be hence why you got to this point. Pining after someone who decided to marry someone else is a major waste of time imo. Yes, you made mistakes. Yes, you did contribute to the demise of the original relationship, but it always takes two. You two got together in a young age and grew up towards different directions. The timing did not work out, trust was broken, you became different people -> you became incompatible. It's a very common occurrence.

 

You need stop idealizing the past. Had what you two had been strong enough, you wouldn't have got to this point. Her getting married to that other guy is your proof of that. Whether they make it or not is IRRELEVANT. You need to bring yourself back to the present. Your present life does not include her. It has not included her for a year now and it's not like you never tried to get her back before that. You have already tried and been given your answer regarding you two: Your present life does not include her and she is marrying another guy. This is life telling you that she is not the ONE for you.

 

Accept. Move on. Make room in your life for the real ONE. Good luck.

[bluecastle]

I feel for you, dude. That said, this is the one to let go to let those lessons really settle in.

 

Life is insane. Don't get caught up in terms like GIGS, and then beating yourself up over who you were, when you were. Look closely enough and you'll see that THAT is just ego, turning you life into a tragedy instead of just, well, a life.

 

I've got GIGS left and right. Most of us humans do. Little thorns. It's not special, it's not tragic. It's life.

 

I'm lucky to have a wonderful relationship with a woman I deeply loved many moons ago, when I was 23-27. I'm 39 now. I could wreck myself deeming her the one that "got away," or I could do what I did: deem herself who she is, a person, like me, and we shared as much space romantically as we could. Just got off the phone with her. She's helping me through a rough patch in my own pursuit of love—always elusive. I hear her partner, and her partner's child, in the room. I say to them. I'm so happy for her. It's not a movie.

 

Sure, shake the snow globe at a different angle and maybe it would have all fallen differently. But it fell as it fell. You gotta accept that, dude, and feel all that. It ain't fun, but it's the best. Live in the muck, not the stories we can build in our minds.

 

I'm really sorry for your pain. It comes through as real. But you're also, by the sound of it, pretty young. So much out there when drop the story and just take the blows. Hope this gets you there.

[GordonSEyez]

I understand where everyone is coming from and I have tried in many ways to move on and forget about her over the past year and some change but deep down I can’t because I feel as though she is the one as lame/cliched as that sounds. Our relationship wasn’t perfect and I don’t have her on some magic pedestal; there’s lots of things about her that irked the h*ll our of me but there’s lots of things that made me the happiest I’ve ever been and I know the core of the break up was me. I got locked into this fear of “what if” and let that cloud the relationship because I foolishly thought I was missing something and I was DEAD WRONG. I absolutely need this woman in my life and it drives me crazy that I was never given a second chance but this guy was.

[Clio]

You are locking yourself into a fear of "what if" again. "What if" she was the one? Well, she isn't. The one would have given you a second chance. She didn't because she isn't the one.

 

You don't need this woman. In my experience, such fixations occur when one is not happy with their life as a whole. How is your professional and social life? It sounds to me like you are trying to escape into your past to avoid your present. Yet, the answer is not there.

[MissCanuck]

She does not want you, OP. Friendship isn't going to happen either.

 

Do not show up now and try to confess your feelings. Respect the fact that she has moved on and made a choice to marry her guy. Whether or not he's right or wrong for her is not your business. She is a big girl and can handle the outcome of decision. If she doesn't want to marry him and is secretly hoping you'll intervene (which is very unlikely) is also not your problem and not your responsibility to resolve for her.

 

It's over and you need to accept it so you can finally move on, too.

[Snny]

Real life isn't always like the movies.

And they end up being on 5 o’clock news. “Obsessive ex murders innocent woman.”

 

And that’s exactly how I’m reading this. It’s overly obsessive that I am honestly fearful for the ex-girlfriend. I dated a guy who was this obsessive, became violent, and I had no choice but to get a Restraining Order.

 

Please go get some professional help. This girl is done with you.

[SweetGirl28]

I understand where everyone is coming from and I have tried in many ways to move on and forget about her over the past year and some change but deep down I can’t because I feel as though she is the one as lame/cliched as that sounds. Our relationship wasn’t perfect and I don’t have her on some magic pedestal; there’s lots of things about her that irked the h*ll our of me but there’s lots of things that made me the happiest I’ve ever been and I know the core of the break up was me. I got locked into this fear of “what if” and let that cloud the relationship because I foolishly thought I was missing something and I was DEAD WRONG. I absolutely need this woman in my life and it drives me crazy that I was never given a second chance but this guy was.

 

 

You're young. Believe me you won't stay stuck like this. It's knowing the wedding is imminent that is causing you to have these thoughts. Once it passes, you'll get back to feeling more okay. There's always someone else out there, even though it's hard to imagine. Most have a feeling of "the one who got away" but you take and learn lessons from it. One being not to ever break up with someone you love because often it's difficult to get them back again. Gigs is common when young and tied down from an early age. Forgive yourself. You'll learn to not feel like that as you mature. A year out of a six year relationship. You maybe need more time. There's no limit on how long it takes to heal. It's just the wedding making you upset. You made it a year with no contact, that's impressive. You can and will survive this.

[Wiseman2]

Did she want to get married in all those 6 years? What was the breakup about? How long have you been broken up? Do not send anything. She is not "making a mistake", she is doing what she wants to be doing. In fact it's time to stop contacting her and delete and block her. You don't want a stalking charge or restraining order slapped on you. Let go. You had 6 years to fix things, but chose not to.

No we dated first for 6 years, broke up and then they got together like maybe 2 or 3 months afterwards.

[Chris12189]

there is a saying

 

"If you love something set it free, if it comes back it is forever yours, if not it was never meant to be"

 

You need to let her go on and do this marriage. Its her choice and its quite arrogant for you to presume you know better about who she chooses to be with. If you truly do love her you would accept anyone who brings her happiness and love. It is a bitter pill to swallow but you need to work on moving on, which doesn't mean you have to stop caring and loving her, you just need to learn to do it from a distance. A small sliver of hope should be she is young and nowadays divorce is more common for young people within the first 5 years. But the door is shut right now and you should respect that.

 

The other case is you can go out and murder her new partner but that wont have the effect I think you are looking for and you will probably end up in prison for the rest of your life.

 

People make mistakes, they happen, forgive yourself for whatever role you played in this breakup and in your next relationship don't make the same mistakes. You will meet someone you love just as much if not more if you allow yourself to rather than think about the past

[GordonSEyez]

Did she want to get married in all those 6 years? What was the breakup about? How long have you been broken up? Do not send anything. She is not "making a mistake", she is doing what she wants to be doing. In fact it's time to stop contacting her and delete and block her. You don't want a stalking charge or restraining order slapped on you. Let go. You had 6 years to fix things, but chose not to.

 

Yes, she often brought up taking the next steps (moving in together, getting engaged, having kids) and I got scared and started feeling tied down so I began distancing myself from her and being with my single friends. I got a taste of that life and thought I would be better off single so I ended things. We broke up a little over 2 years ago and I haven’t contacted her at all in about 15 months. I understand she’s doing what she feels is best, I just don’t think she’ll be happy in the long run.

[ShatteredMan]

Do not send anything. She is not "making a mistake", she is doing what she wants to be doing. In fact it's time to stop contacting her and delete and block her. You don't want a stalking charge or restraining order slapped on you. Let go. You had 6 years to fix things, but chose not to.

 

Completely agree. Disappear like a fart in the wind.

 

Besides, you can't miss someone if you know that they're always in your orbit or you know that they're thinking about you and what you're doing.

 

As Wiseman says, you don't want legal issues with a woman who clearly does not intend to have a future with you. Stalking is weak behavior.

 

Your strongest move is to completely block her, shut down your social media accounts for a while and chill out so you can get your head and heart straight. I completely disagree with those that say that you should try to reattract an ex by posting pics and information about what you're doing all the time (not to mention its a form of narcissism). Also, don't reach out to old mutual friends for a report on what's going on with her. Its just another thinly veiled form of "stalking". Plus, her friends are just going to report back to her that you're always wanting to know what she's up to. That will confirm in her mind that she made the right decision to leave you.

 

Instead of wasting time and energy out of your life, look at this as the "closure" that everyone pines for out here. She's off the market for good. You should also approach this experience as an opportunity to learn about women, relationships and what you value in life and a relationship moving forward. Take the time to refocus on things like health, wealth, professional growth and family. If your job requires classes/training/certifications, sign up for them and knock them out! (I wish I had done this). If you used to work out, get back in the gym and get into the best shape of your life. Give yourself a new purpose instead of making yours about someone who has chosen to move on with someone else and has no interest in your life anymore.

 

Thinking back to my big breakup, in a weird way, if she had married the guy that she rebounded with, that would have made things easier because you don't get a louder signal or a more definitive form of closure than that.

 

I also agree with Chris12189 in that you will need to forgive yourself before you can open your heart to someone new. I hope that you get to that point through time and distance from your ex.