Getting an engaged ex back

[SweetGirl28]

15 months of NC is a long time. When there's NC the emotional connection fades away.

Stop blaming yourself, you're young and don't have life and relationship experience(not enough anyway) to know what to do vs not what to do. Everything teaches lessons, and is a chance to grow, but beating yourself up won't get you anywhere.

Whether she will be happy or not no one can predict, but it's your happiness that should be priority right now. If you're not happy you can't move forward and be successful in a new relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Well you took yourself out of the equation and both of you are now free to pursue your goals of being married or being free, respectively. She wanted to get married and now she is doing that so she's happy, however you sound unhappy. All you can do is move forward and find someone with similar goals and not string anyone along this long.

Yes, she often brought up taking the next steps (moving in together, getting engaged, having kids) and I got scared and started feeling tied down so I began distancing myself from her and being with my single friends. I got a taste of that life and thought I would be better off single so I ended things.

[superfan]

OMG, OP!

 

LEAVE. HER. ALONE!!!!!

 

This is bordering on stalking. If she wanted to be with you she would be with you! Period. This girl does not belong to you. You do not "own her". Her choices are her choices. She is with someone else and she is marrying someone else.

 

DO NOT mess with that. If this was not what she wanted, she would tell you. DO NOT assume that your feelings are more important than her autonomy and her choices. Do not assume that you "know what's best for her" or that you know her better than she knows her own mind.

 

She is a human being free to do whatever she wants and she has made it clear that she wants to marry someone else. Stay away and move on with your life.

 

Do not try to "be friends" with her. Your motives are not for friendship. You want to insinuate yourself back in her life, and mess with her marriage. That is the easiest way for her to hate you and for you to prove that you don't care about her as a person as much as you seem to care about what you think you want or deserve.

 

Walk away. Move on.

 

LEAVE. HER. ALONE.

[katrina1980]

 

We broke up a little over 2 years ago and I haven’t contacted her at all in about 15 months. I understand she’s doing what she feels is best, I just don’t think she’ll be happy in the long run.

 

This is your ego and arrogance talking, how do you know she won't be happy, are you psychic? It's like I asked you before, do you think she's not capable of making her own decisions as to what will or won't make her happy? That YOU, her ex, know better than she what will make her happy?

 

I am being serious with these questions, I would really like to know why you believe she won't be happy. My goodness you haven't even communicated with her in 15 months!!

 

No disrespect but I am finding this thread very troubling, I echo what another poster suggested, seek professional help cause this is not a healthy way of thinking, it's obsessive, and scary. Borderline delusional even.

[boltnrun]

Also, if you're so convinced she is right for you...WHY did you dump her???

[katrina1980]

Also, if you're so convinced she is right for you...WHY did you dump her???

 

bolt, OP wrote this in a later post.

 

 

I learned to check my ego LONG AGO when it comes to relationships. It’s a huge part of why things fell apart the first time (developed a case of GIGS after graduation, had a close “friend” of hers constantly flirting with me and trying to get me to leave my ex, thought I could do better, same old same old).

[figureitout23]

bolt, OP wrote this in a later post.

Originally Posted by GordonSEyez

 

I learned to check my ego LONG AGO when it comes to relationships. It’s a huge part of why things fell apart the first time (developed a case of GIGS after graduation, had a close “friend” of hers constantly flirting with me and trying to get me to leave my ex, thought I could do better, same old same old).

 

Right so that along with this:

 

Yes, she often brought up taking the next steps (moving in together, getting engaged, having kids) and I got scared and started feeling tied down so I began distancing myself from her and being with my single friends. I got a taste of that life and thought I would be better off single so I ended things. We broke up a little over 2 years ago and I haven’t contacted her at all in about 15 months.

 

I think are glaring signals this guys ego is on over drive.

 

Not everyone who posts here has the best intentions.

 

In fact it wouldnt surprise me if this woman loved you with all of her being and you took her for granted.

 

Sometimes the saying is true, you dont know what you got until its gone. Another saying that may be true, you want what you cant have. Whos to say all those previous thought wont crop back up once you 'got her' again.

 

If you love her let her go. Im really questioning if you do at this point, you treated her pretty badly, let her be happy.

[boltnrun]

I agree, I still think it's ego because the other guy "won". The timeline matches too.

 

Katrina, I did read what he wrote. I was trying to make the point that when he had her it sounds like he wasn't all that bothered, but when she started seeing someone else suddenly she was soulmate material. I wanted to see if he realizes that.

 

And yeah, wanting the toy truck back because some other kid is playing with it...sounds like what's happening here.

[GordonSEyez]

Hey everyone. First off, I appreciate all of you helping me throughout this situation so far. Her wedding was yesterday and I decided to follow your advice and to not contact her; still debating on whne I should at some later date to be honest. Some of you have pointed out that this is about my ego more than anything and I feel I should go into some more detailed background concerning me and my ex’s relationship which leads me to believe this new thing she’s in is some bizarre rebound. Forgive me for the length!

 

My ex (I’ll call her M) and I dated from December 2010 to January 2016 and up until mid 2015, things were nearly perfect. M was/is a very good woman. Intelligent, funny, extremely beautiful, caring, family and friends adored her, the whole package basically and I was extremely happy with her, but I started wondering “what if” after a few years. I only had 1 serious girlfriend prior to M and the thought of being tied down at 23 scared the h*ll out of me so I started to pull away from the relationship. M sensed this and started to become really clingy pushing for more commitment which made me really resent her. I mean we had spoken about marriage and all that stuff prior to that year, but she always wanted to wait until after we finished school and had a good start into our careers. She went from that to wanting to get engaged like that year. The fight that broke us up actually was about her moving in with me and like I mentioned before it was ugly. At first, I was relieved to be single and I but within a few weeks I realized I had made a huge mistake and tried reaching out but she never responded. Mutual friends told me she was too hurt to.

 

So within a month, she starts dating B and they immediately get into a relationship. I wasn’t concerned as it seemed like a classic rebound (guy is complete opposite of me is virtually every way and she throws herself into this relationship while still complaining to friends and family that she misses me). I highly tone down my attempts to contact her in hopes that the rebound plays out but she gets pregnant within 6 months which was pretty devastating. Two things I did horribly wrong when I found out 1) went into contact overload with her (all ignored by her) and 2) confided in a “friend” that later went back and told M some of the things I said (I’ll get back to this later).

 

Like 6 months into her pregnancy, her and B break up and she starts staying with another good friend of ours and I reach out to her again but this time she’s receptive. We start talking again and things were so good between us, almost like old times. She stressed that she just wanted to be friends as she didn’t want to get involved with anyone while being pregnant with B’s baby and I’m completely okay with that. The whole time we were on good terms, we weren’t at all physical nor did I push for that as I was just happy she was speaking to me again after a year of ignoring me but deep down I’m hoping she’ll change her mind once I show her that I’ve changed.

 

Looking back, things were never really that good between us because whenever B or the baby would come up, I would get upset so it got to a point where she stopped bringing them up around me but whenever he would call her (which was often), we’d get into it. I know it was stupid of me to get jealous considering she was pregnant but it didn’t help that he was trying to get her back as well. Things got really tense between us as B couldn’t stand me as much as I couldn’t stand him and she was always defending him which pissed me off even more. Things culminated when I suggested she move in with me around the time she was due (her lease ran out the month she was to give birth) and she said her and B decided the baby was to live at his house until she found a place and she would be “halfway living there.” We got into a huge fight about that and she stopped talking to me again until after she had her son.

 

I felt stupid as h*ll for blowing up like that and apologized profusely and said I would stay out anything between her and B and she forgave me again until the friend talked to her. Like a week after she had the baby, she blocked me out of nowhere for like a month and I had no idea why. The last time we talked, things were good, I was making her laugh and planning on bringing her son a gift and her some lunch the next day. I wake up to a text saying “I hate you. Never contact me again.” I was so confused and after a month of begging to know what happened, she agreed to meet me.

 

So when I first found she was pregnant, like I said I was devastated and confided in a friend. He was basically telling me I should get over her now that she’s having a kid with someone else and I said that me and M could still work things out if she were to get an abortion and maybe I could convince her (I know, not nice but that’s how I felt). At this meeting, she asks me flat out if I said this and there was no point denying it. She goes off on me saying I’ve said horrible things about her son (not true), I’ve been trying to drive a wedge between her and B (how when they were broken up) and basically how I was making her life difficult and I told her I was trying to give her the commitment she was begging for when we were together and that she wasn’t being appreciative of our friendship (I mean there were many nights where she slept over, I did late night food runs, took her places, and listened to her whine about B). She told me she wanted to work things out with B because he’s a good guy and I said “why, because he got you pregnant on the 3rd date?” STUPID STUPID STUPID! She just looked at me and said wow, and just left. I tried apologizing for months after but she never responded. That was the last time we spoke.

 

So now, she’s gotten married him and just recently had another kid with him. All in all, I feel this is a rebound because she was single like 3 weeks between him and me and after they broke up she ran back to me for emotional support (which I probably shouldn’t have given her as I’m sure it’s sabotaged our chances) and of course after all the drama, I rightfully look like the bad guy and he’s the hero so of course she chooses him but at the core of their relationship, it’s not very good between them; not even close to what her and I had. I know I still have some growing and maturing to do myself but I really feel as though she rushed into this marriage to prove something (and not to just necessarily). I know she doesn’t want her children to have a broken home (that’s like one of her biggest fears as her parents are bitterly divorced) but she can’t force herself to being in love with the guy. Just my two cents.

[SweetGirl28]

Wow. That's a straight up hot mess. Maybe she married him because they now have two kids. Good for him for not taking off on her and making it official. If she made a mistake, it was hers to make. And you really do need to forget about her. You can't even get along. I mean, say she divorces. You get together. Those kids are his, you'd battle constantly because they'd need to be in one another's lives coparenting. And those kids would be caught in the middle of selfish adult drama.

 

In this case, leave the past where it belongs, which is behind you.

 

As a female, and a parent, I'd be hurt and livid if someone tried to convince me to abort a fetus that wasn't theirs. That was a very selfish and fatal mistake on your part. If you loved her, you would have accepted the baby as your own.

[abitbroken]

Her wedding was yesterday and I decided to follow your advice and to not contact her; still debating on whne I should at some later date to be honest.

 

NEVER contact her again. She is married with two kids. There is no scenario where she abandons her children to be with you. No way. You did not want to marry her, anyhow, so don't pretend that you were about to pop the question and have babies with her when she left you.

 

Okay -Looking back, things were never really that good between us because whenever B or the baby would come up, I would get upset so it got to a point where she stopped bringing them up around me but whenever he would call her (which was often), we’d get into it.

 

So -- you "pretended" to be her friend to try to get back together. NO FRIEND gets mad at a friend talking about their baby and NO FRIEND gets in the way of a baby's father supporting that baby and being in her/his life. you were NOT a friend.

 

"B" did everything right by supporting his children and whether you like it or not - they decided to have a second and are a family. There was nothing in that scenario where B would have been out of the picture and you would have been in.

[figureitout23]

Hey everyone. First off, I appreciate all of you helping me throughout this situation so far. Her wedding was yesterday and I decided to follow your advice and to not contact her; still debating on whne I should at some later date to be honest. Some of you have pointed out that this is about my ego more than anything and I feel I should go into some more detailed background concerning me and my ex’s relationship which leads me to believe this new thing she’s in is some bizarre rebound. Forgive me for the length!

 

My ex (I’ll call her M) and I dated from December 2010 to January 2016 and up until mid 2015, things were nearly perfect. M was/is a very good woman. Intelligent, funny, extremely beautiful, caring, family and friends adored her, the whole package basically and I was extremely happy with her, but I started wondering “what if” after a few years. I only had 1 serious girlfriend prior to M and the thought of being tied down at 23 scared the h*ll out of me so I started to pull away from the relationship. M sensed this and started to become really clingy pushing for more commitment which made me really resent her. I mean we had spoken about marriage and all that stuff prior to that year, but she always wanted to wait until after we finished school and had a good start into our careers. She went from that to wanting to get engaged like that year. The fight that broke us up actually was about her moving in with me and like I mentioned before it was ugly. At first, I was relieved to be single and I but within a few weeks I realized I had made a huge mistake and tried reaching out but she never responded. Mutual friends told me she was too hurt to.

 

So within a month, she starts dating B and they immediately get into a relationship. I wasn’t concerned as it seemed like a classic rebound (guy is complete opposite of me is virtually every way and she throws herself into this relationship while still complaining to friends and family that she misses me). I highly tone down my attempts to contact her in hopes that the rebound plays out but she gets pregnant within 6 months which was pretty devastating. Two things I did horribly wrong when I found out 1) went into contact overload with her (all ignored by her) and 2) confided in a “friend” that later went back and told M some of the things I said (I’ll get back to this later).

 

Like 6 months into her pregnancy, her and B break up and she starts staying with another good friend of ours and I reach out to her again but this time she’s receptive. We start talking again and things were so good between us, almost like old times. She stressed that she just wanted to be friends as she didn’t want to get involved with anyone while being pregnant with B’s baby and I’m completely okay with that. The whole time we were on good terms, we weren’t at all physical nor did I push for that as I was just happy she was speaking to me again after a year of ignoring me but deep down I’m hoping she’ll change her mind once I show her that I’ve changed.

 

Looking back, things were never really that good between us because whenever B or the baby would come up, I would get upset so it got to a point where she stopped bringing them up around me but whenever he would call her (which was often), we’d get into it. I know it was stupid of me to get jealous considering she was pregnant but it didn’t help that he was trying to get her back as well. Things got really tense between us as B couldn’t stand me as much as I couldn’t stand him and she was always defending him which pissed me off even more. Things culminated when I suggested she move in with me around the time she was due (her lease ran out the month she was to give birth) and she said her and B decided the baby was to live at his house until she found a place and she would be “halfway living there.” We got into a huge fight about that and she stopped talking to me again until after she had her son.

 

I felt stupid as h*ll for blowing up like that and apologized profusely and said I would stay out anything between her and B and she forgave me again until the friend talked to her. Like a week after she had the baby, she blocked me out of nowhere for like a month and I had no idea why. The last time we talked, things were good, I was making her laugh and planning on bringing her son a gift and her some lunch the next day. I wake up to a text saying “I hate you. Never contact me again.” I was so confused and after a month of begging to know what happened, she agreed to meet me.

 

So when I first found she was pregnant, like I said I was devastated and confided in a friend. He was basically telling me I should get over her now that she’s having a kid with someone else and I said that me and M could still work things out if she were to get an abortion and maybe I could convince her (I know, not nice but that’s how I felt). At this meeting, she asks me flat out if I said this and there was no point denying it. She goes off on me saying I’ve said horrible things about her son (not true), I’ve been trying to drive a wedge between her and B (how when they were broken up) and basically how I was making her life difficult and I told her I was trying to give her the commitment she was begging for when we were together and that she wasn’t being appreciative of our friendship (I mean there were many nights where she slept over, I did late night food runs, took her places, and listened to her whine about B). She told me she wanted to work things out with B because he’s a good guy and I said “why, because he got you pregnant on the 3rd date?” STUPID STUPID STUPID! She just looked at me and said wow, and just left. I tried apologizing for months after but she never responded. That was the last time we spoke.

 

So now, she’s gotten married him and just recently had another kid with him. All in all, I feel this is a rebound because she was single like 3 weeks between him and me and after they broke up she ran back to me for emotional support (which I probably shouldn’t have given her as I’m sure it’s sabotaged our chances) and of course after all the drama, I rightfully look like the bad guy and he’s the hero so of course she chooses him but at the core of their relationship, it’s not very good between them; not even close to what her and I had. I know I still have some growing and maturing to do myself but I really feel as though she rushed into this marriage to prove something (and not to just necessarily). I know she doesn’t want her children to have a broken home (that’s like one of her biggest fears as her parents are bitterly divorced) but she can’t force herself to being in love with the guy. Just my two cents.

 

I find it interesting that you thought expanding on the events would make us see things differently. Its really and honestly interesting because I'm starting to think you truly dont see the error in your actions or the gravity of your choices. When you had her, you didn't want her. This is not a situation where you went off to war and she believed you were dead and slept with your friend and ended up knocked up, but her love for you always lived on. You were selfish and acted as such and you lost her. Tough pill to swallow, but you're going to have to own that and accept that to be able to move on.

 

It happens in most people lives, that one mistake that we regret, that we wish could just do over. But you cant. If nothing else, learn from this.

 

Allow the ache to pass, you will be ok.

[Annia]

When did you two break up? How long ago?

 

You can't possible know what she feels or what she has with this fiancee. I.know it hurts and I'm very sorry you're going through this

[Annia]

This is your ego and arrogance talking, how do you know she won't be happy, are you psychic? It's like I asked you before, do you think she's not capable of making her own decisions as to what will or won't make her happy? That YOU, her ex, know better than she what will make her happy?

 

I am being serious with these questions, I would really like to know why you believe she won't be happy. My goodness you haven't even communicated with her in 15 months!!

 

No disrespect but I am finding this thread very troubling, I echo what another poster suggested, seek professional help cause this is not a healthy way of thinking, it's obsessive, and scary. Borderline delusional even.

 

I have a friend who dated this guy for 5 years. He also never wanted to take things to the next level like living together and stuff. He then broke up with her and she met a guy some months after and married him after a year or less and they're very happy together.

 

You broke up 2 years ago and NC for 15 months. He's probably not a rebound... they've dated long enough to know what they feel for each other. And if she wanted to marry before and was ready it's perfectly normal that she marries sooner with a guy that wants the same. You didn't want it, the new guy wants it. You need to accept it. She won't be your safety net anymore. That's great because now you get to work on yourself and move on.

[vintagevilla]

:smug:there are times when brides do not invite exes to their wedding because they clearly do not want to have anything to do with them, she would have invited you to the wedding if she wanted you there and also to give you a chance to speak now or forever hold your piece. lol. hugs OP

[GordonSEyez]

It happens in most people lives, that one mistake that we regret, that we wish could just do over. But you cant. If nothing else, learn from this.

 

So you’re basically saying you don’t believe in second chances?

[SweetGirl28]

She has two kids with him. They got married. You were out of contact . You have to move on. Without contact those feelings die off. Hell , even with it they can die off lol. If ever she's divorced you can look her up. For now, it's a done deal.

[Wiseman2]

Not as she's walking down the aisle with someone who wants to marry her, unlike you.

So you’re basically saying you don’t believe in second chances?

[abitbroken]

So you’re basically saying you don’t believe in second chances?

 

You had a second chance to maybe be friends but you blew that -- because you could not stand for her to mention her SON. If there was a shred of chance she would go back with you instead of the father of her children --- which was slim to none anyhow --- no woman would be with a man who rejected even the MENTION of her child. You showed her your true character.

 

At this point, wouldn't a self respecting man find a woman who was interested in them?

 

This ship has sailed. I get it -- there is always the "one that got away" -- but you didn't really want her.... or there's that Jackson 5 song "I want you back" --- he only wanted her when someone else picked her from the bunch -- not when she was available