Don't Want to Ghost

[lifesatrip]

I recently started using a dating app and went on two dates with a guy (last weekend and the weekend before). I don't think we are a match but I did really enjoy the time we spent together and liked him as a person. We spent the night together last time - didn't have sex but very close. He said we should definitely get together again and I agreed (was unsure in the moment - the lack of certainty might have come across). I have been without a phone for three days and hope to have a phone back by Friday (need to get a replacement).

 

Not sure if he has messaged me or not and while I don't think it would be wise to continue to see him I really don't want to accidentally ghost him. I don't know if I will be able to see any messages sent when I do get a phone back. I could reach out to him on dating site just to say hi and say I don't have a phone but this would be mixed signals. (Not even sure if he is truly interested). I wouldn't mind being friends with him but not sure if that is realistically a possibility. I would appreciate advice!

 

Thanks!

[HealingLight]

I would leave it if you don't intend to see him again. If you hit up his phone to let him know that you haven't had a phone and asking about any missed messages, it might give him false hope. Next time he reaches out, I would say you didn't feel you guys were a match. In the meantime, if he knows any of your social media, maybe put up a status telling people you haven't been able to be reached the last several days as your phone is being replaced.

[lifesatrip]

Thanks! I don't have him on social media at all. I wouldn't mind seeing him again and part of me wants to, but it went too fast with him intimacy wise both times I saw him and I definitely have reservations about dating in a serious way. Wouldn't mind being friends and possibly open to fool around some if the moment is right but that sounds messy and probably bad idea.

[lifesatrip]

I would like to explore a friendship but I feel like it would be insulting to him to tell him that too.

[DanZee]

Yeah, you know, you should probably just tell him that you're going to keep seeing other people. Guys don't want to just be friends. And since you got so close to having sex, he's going to probably expect that you'll go all the way on the next date. And from what you wrote, you might. And then you'll be in a relationship you don't want to be in. And that creates all sorts of problems. Best not to lead him on.

[SGH]

Thanks! I don't have him on social media at all. I wouldn't mind seeing him again and part of me wants to, but it went too fast with him intimacy wise both times I saw him and I definitely have reservations about dating in a serious way. Wouldn't mind being friends and possibly open to fool around some if the moment is right but that sounds messy and probably bad idea.

 

You sound like you're fresh out of a relationship. If that's the case, I would also recommend leaving it and not seeing him again. You may do something you regret. It's already been a few days, so what's done is done.

[Hollyj]

I would like to explore a friendship but I feel like it would be insulting to him to tell him that too.

 

Not at all. I dated a guy a few times, and he said he thought we would be better as friends. I felt the same.

 

We were great friends for many years, until he moved and lost touch. You have nothing to lose.

[figureitout23]

You sound confused and insecure. You either want to date or you don't. Did the intimacy freak you out? Are you trying to reject him before he rejects you? What is it? Give us some more background please

[Wiseman2]

That's fine. Just be clear that you're not a match and keep it clean and simple without elaborate phone excuses and "let's be friends" offers.

I don't think we are a match. I wouldn't mind being friends with him.

[purplepaisley]

I'm going to disagree with the majority. If you have access to the internet, which you must by posting here, you have access to the dating site, and it doesn't take a lot to send a text and let the guy know you don't have a phone and you're pretty much off the grid until Friday. You're not sure about him...okay, that's fine, but you won't know unless you get a couple more dates out of him. It's not like you plan to drag this out indefinitely. Make a choice. If you want to see this play out a little more, reach out. If you don't, you can easily use your keyboard and let him know you don't see this going anywhere and wish him well. Either way, ghosting is a little crappy, and I know that after only one or two dates, it's pretty much the status quo, but if you have a enough interest to see how things go for another date or two, touch base. Let him know what's going on.

[Batya33]

I would like to explore a friendship but I feel like it would be insulting to him to tell him that too.

 

If you met via a dating site he is not on there to make friends with a woman he went on dates with and almost had sex with -sorry! I would send him a quick message on the site and explain that you would have written sooner but thought you'd have a phone sooner. Wish him well -nothing about how amazingly awesome he is - just that you enjoyed meeting him, enjoyed spending time with him and you wish him well. And one quick sentence about how you don't think you have enough in common to date more.

[bluecastle]

If you're unsure about where it's going, have doubts, but still kinda sorta want to explore...well, that's fine. That's dating.

 

If you'd like to be just friends, let him know that. I went out with a woman on an app months ago—great time, but I knew after that I wasn't ready to date. I sent her note saying exactly that—that romance isn't in my cards right now, but friendship is. And now we're friends.

 

A few months later I had three nice dates with a woman—was kind of on the fence about our compatibility, but was down to explore. She let me know she was seeing someone else and wanted to focus on that. I wasn't insulted—actually, I was kind of relieved, and appreciated her honesty. I wished her the best, and said I was interested in friendship, because I genuinely was. And now we're friends.

 

I could go on and on. The point is there is nothing insulting about being honest. Sure, someone might be momentarily disappointed, but that's life.

[DancingFool]

Seriously......don't almost have sex with the guy and then tell him that you only want to be platonic pals. That ship has already sailed.

 

It's OK if you are not that into him after all. That's just part of dating. If he contacts you, just tell him that you aren't interested in seeing him again. Keep it clean and simple. After a couple of dates you really don't owe any explanations beyond just not feeling it. Also, you do not reach out and establish contact only to reject him. That's effed up behavior. Again, if he reaches out about setting up another date, then let him know politely that there won't be one. That's all you have to do. If he doesn't reach out, oh well. You are mutually not interested.

[reinventmyself]

If you're unsure about where it's going, have doubts, but still kinda sorta want to explore...well, that's fine. That's dating.

 

If you'd like to be just friends, let him know that. I went out with a woman on an app months ago—great time, but I knew after that I wasn't ready to date. I sent her note saying exactly that—that romance isn't in my cards right now, but friendship is. And now we're friends.

 

A few months later I had three nice dates with a woman—was kind of on the fence about our compatibility, but was down to explore. She let me know she was seeing someone else and wanted to focus on that. I wasn't insulted—actually, I was kind of relieved, and appreciated her honesty. I wished her the best, and said I was interested in friendship, because I genuinely was. And now we're friends.

 

I could go on and on. The point is there is nothing insulting about being honest. Sure, someone might be momentarily disappointed, but that's life.

I agree with this ^^

I've made some nice friends from online dating. The odds of someone being your perfect match are very rare but you are crossing paths with different people who can enrich your life in other ways. Some are open to it, some aren't. It never hurts to ask.

 

But, yes. .you apparently have access to keyboard, so your phone, or lack thereof is a poor excuse.

 

Tell him how you are feeling. Do it for yourself. It teaches you to have voice and not being afraid to use it.

How he handles the news is on him.

[Batya33]

I agree with this ^^

I've made some nice friends from online dating. The odds of someone being your perfect match are very rare but you are crossing paths with different people who can enrich your life in other ways. Some are open to it, some aren't. It never hurts to ask.

 

But, yes. .you apparently have access to keyboard, so your phone, or lack thereof is a poor excuse.

 

Tell him how you are feeling. Do it for yourself. It teaches you to have voice and not being afraid to use it.

How he handles the news is on him.

 

Yes, I have too but given that she was that intimate with him and then disappeared (she could have tried to contact him in other ways like on the dating site or borrowed a friend's phone, etc) I don't think she should offer to "explore" a friendship.

[reinventmyself]

Yes, I have too but given that she was that intimate with him and then disappeared (she could have tried to contact him in other ways like on the dating site or borrowed a friend's phone, etc) I don't think she should offer to "explore" a friendship.

 

I agree assuming he was more invested.

But a week ago she could have said something, anything.

Now that opportunity has probably passed.

You never know. He might not be interested in anything more than friendship either.

But you'll never know unless you ask.

[katrina1980]

OP, I think you should do whatever it is you want to do.

 

I am not aware of any rule saying you can't be friends with someone you've once dated, even if you did have sex, which you didn't which makes proposing a friendship easier too.

 

I wouldn't have any expectations about him feeling the same, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

 

For me, I dated a man last year (or was it the year prior, can't remember exactly) who I met at a meet up, dated him a few times (no sex but some light kissing) but after a few dates realized he wasn't for me on a romantic level, but did want to remain friends if possible.

 

So after telling him I didn't wish to date him anymore (not enough chemistry), I proposed we be friends and he actually became quite hostile with me, telling me flat out, "No I don't want to be "friends," I have enough friends, I want to date you, NOT be friends!"

 

So that ended that.

 

But I've known others who did propose a friendship and it worked out,

 

@Batya, for some reason I thought you had become friends with a couple of men you had dated, but I could be mistaken.

[Batya33]

Yes. I have. Not men I went out with a few times who I originally met on a dating site unless they wanted to be friends if I was the one who ended things. If someone I recently met said he didn’t want to date me but wanted to be friends I’d probably say no because I wasn’t looking for friends through dating sites. I think it’s fine if the person being told there’s not enough interest genuinely suggests being friends - meaning not as an ulterior motive. I’d be really careful in this situation. She was intimate with him then lost her phone and has no idea if he was trying to reach her and if she truly wanted a friendship she would have found a way to contact him and not use a lost phone as an excuse. She could have tried through the dating site or called from a different phone or sent an email. So as I wrote in this situation I don’t think it’s appropriate of her to propose a friendship. If he does then sure why not. I think it’s great for men and women who’ve dated and been romantically involved to continue a friendship in the right circumstances. It’s one reason I am married to my husband. Had we not stayed in touch at all it would have been really unusual to get in touch out of the blue . We weren’t friends all those years but since we kept in touch sporadically we were able to catch up in a platonic way while getting to know each other again.

 

And I have a few male friends I originally met through dating sites. One I dated and one I didn’t and no I didn’t suggest to the one I ended things with that I’d like to be friends. He wanted more and he didn’t want to stop dating. He stayed in touch and that’s been fine over the years. I’ve set him up with a number of different women.

[katrina1980]

 

I’d be really careful in this situation.

 

Respect your opinion as always, guess I'm confused as to why she needs to be careful.

 

There is no risk in asking, she has nothing to lose either way, he either accepts her offer of friendship or he doesn't.

 

And if he accepts, she has a new friend!

 

And if he doesn't, they both go on their merry ways!

[abitbroken]

Respect your opinion as always, guess I'm confused as to why she needs to be careful.

 

There is no risk in asking, she has nothing to lose either way, he either accepts her offer of friendship or he doesn't.

 

And if he accepts, she has a new friend!

 

And if he doesn't, they both go on their merry ways!

 

If the roles were reversed and the OP was a man who said "i just slept with her -- but i think i just want to be friends" we would all have our carving knives out.

I think OP, you should institute the practice of getting to know a guy a little more before you get physical -- If you are not feeling it after the second date, its fair to not accept a third if asked and not ask for a third -- but once you have sex and then "let's be friends?" what is that?

 

i mean, if you are totally hot for someone and decide to have sex and then a few dates later decide that its not what its cracked up to be, that's one thing -- but "let's be friends" right after sex with someone you were not really into but had sex just because --- ?

[abitbroken]

to me --- if they had went out on two dates and realized that they felt more like brother and sister and they didn't have attraction at all - its fair to mutually decide to be friends -- but friendship should never be a consolation prize for bad sex

[reinventmyself]

to me --- if they had went out on two dates and realized that they felt more like brother and sister and they didn't have attraction at all - its fair to mutually decide to be friends -- but friendship should never be a consolation prize for bad sex

 

ah. . but they didn't have sex!

I know. .. we are splitting hairs here :)

[abitbroken]

ah. . but they didn't have sex!

I know. .. we are splitting hairs here :)

 

LOL

 

Getting hot and heavy and "we should definitely get together again". "YEEEESSSSS"

hardly sounds like "i don't feel a thing, i don't like this guy, let's be pals" Mixed messages, much?

[Batya33]

Respect your opinion as always, guess I'm confused as to why she needs to be careful.

 

There is no risk in asking, she has nothing to lose either way, he either accepts her offer of friendship or he doesn't.

 

And if he accepts, she has a new friend!

 

And if he doesn't, they both go on their merry ways!

 

Because I would let him ask. She is rejecting seeing him again for a date after being out of touch right after being intimate. I think it is presumptuous and inappropriate of her to ask in this particular situation. If he would like to stay in touch as friends after her actions, then he should be the one to ask. Anyway she just wrote she might want to "explore" a friendship. I would hope that in the last few dates she's gotten to know him as a person and can make up her mind as to whether she sees potential for a friendship. Her "explore" seems tentative - and so on top of her telling him she's not into him plus being out of touch if she comes across as tentative at all about seeing potential for a true friendship then that makes it even worse.

 

There is harm in asking in this situation. I just didn't want you to think I was generalizing. Just talking about this situation. Certainly if she calls him and he sighs "good because I was going to say the same thing -we're not a match romantically" then of course she can bring it up.

 

As Aretha would say R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

[abitbroken]

Because I would let him ask. She is rejecting seeing him again for a date after being out of touch right after being intimate. I think it is presumptuous and inappropriate of her to ask in this particular situation. If he would like to stay in touch as friends after her actions, then he should be the one to ask. Anyway she just wrote she might want to "explore" a friendship. I would hope that in the last few dates she's gotten to know him as a person and can make up her mind as to whether she sees potential for a friendship. Her "explore" seems tentative - and so on top of her telling him she's not into him plus being out of touch if she comes across as tentative at all about seeing potential for a true friendship then that makes it even worse.

 

There is harm in asking in this situation. I just didn't want you to think I was generalizing. Just talking about this situation. Certainly if she calls him and he sighs "good because I was going to say the same thing -we're not a match romantically" then of course she can bring it up.

 

To me, i would decide if i wanted to date him or not -- you don't need to collect men that you fooled around with but decided werent good enough for a relationship as friends. Meet friends at meetup groups, classes, in your neighborhood - to me "let's be friends" is a rejection.