Don't Want to Ghost

[figureitout23]

If the roles were reversed and the OP was a man who said "i just slept with her -- but i think i just want to be friends" we would all have our carving knives out.

I think OP, you should institute the practice of getting to know a guy a little more before you get physical -- If you are not feeling it after the second date, its fair to not accept a third if asked and not ask for a third -- but once you have sex and then "let's be friends?" what is that?

 

i mean, if you are totally hot for someone and decide to have sex and then a few dates later decide that its not what its cracked up to be, that's one thing -- but "let's be friends" right after sex with someone you were not really into but had sex just because --- ?

 

Completely agree!

 

Also it seems this statement was missed

 

I wouldn't mind seeing him again and part of me wants to, but it went too fast with him intimacy wise both times I saw him and I definitely have reservations about dating in a serious way. Wouldn't mind being friends and possibly open to fool around some if the moment is right but that sounds messy and probably bad idea.

 

Game playing. This isn't a genuine desire to be friends. Why would it be? They've been on a couple of dates.

[Batya33]

Completely agree!

 

Also it seems this statement was missed

 

 

 

Game playing. This isn't a genuine desire to be friends. Why would it be? They've been on a couple of dates.

 

Oh - I didn't see that either. I agree. I had a guy I'd dated for 5 months try to have that arrangement with me. I did fool around once and realized it was a terrible idea. That was the last time. We stayed on good terms when we ran into each other but weren't really in touch after that. He was in touch with me three times while he was serious with his girlfriend, then engaged and then married. And his emails were borderline inappropriate so I made the right decision.

[katrina1980]

>>Wouldn't mind being friends and possibly open to fool around some if the moment is right ….

 

Sounds more like you're seeking a man (him) to be an occasional FWB?

[Batya33]

>>Wouldn't mind being friends and possibly open to fool around some if the moment is right ….

 

Sounds more like you're seeking a man (him) to be an occasional FWB?

Sounds like a hook up arrangement for euphemistic “friends” - it’s not that she sees true friendship potential but that she “wouldn’t mind”. Sounds kinda lukewarm.

[katrina1980]

Sounds like a hook up arrangement for euphemistic “friends” - it’s not that she sees true friendship potential but that she “wouldn’t mind”. Sounds kinda lukewarm.

 

Yeah maybe. I'm not all that familiar with FWB situations, but from what I understand about them, they're not really true friends or even friends, it's more like FB in the guise of a friendship?

 

I'm sure every FWB situation is different though, so tbh, it's hard to know what the OP is really wanting!

[Batya33]

I thought it was supposed to be good friends who decide to have sex when they feel like it. And many use it as a euphemism for a sexual arrangement and often because they’re not comfortable being honest with themselves about what it is and what it is not.

[figureitout23]

>>Wouldn't mind being friends and possibly open to fool around some if the moment is right ….

 

Sounds more like you're seeking a man (him) to be an occasional FWB?

 

I thought that too but it doesn't match. If the speed of their sexual progress was offputting why would she then turn around and want to be sex buddies? Why all this analyzing and need to be friends business? Why the stress about telling him it's over, but not really, well maybe friends and then maybe hookup...

 

I realize I could be completely off but the first thought that went through my mind after reading that second post that i quoted was, anxiety wrote this post, because it's everywhere. Again could be way off, just the verbiage, I don't know that's where my head went

[lifesatrip]

Thanks for all of the comments. I just want to set a couple of things straight. A couple days went by after our intimate night and he hadn't texted me and I didn't know if he would or not. Right after the encounter I was kind of disgusted with myself for letting it get too hot and heavy too soon. But I do have attraction for him. I am genuinly intrigued by his personality but also have some fears about potential red flags. I'd like to get to know him more on a human level and not just a sexual level and I would like to put that more to the forefront of our interactions. If that is in the forefront and it feels right, I might be into more heavy physical intimacy but I don't know him well enough to say yet. So I want to go out with him again but I told him that I was overwhelmed with how fast things went and am hoping to have a more low key hang out with him. I don't know what will happen but the more space I have away from him the more open I feel to wanting to see him again. Yes, I am lukewarm but we have only had two dates and that is not enough. Plus, I don't think he is necessarily looking for something very serious, he may be moving soon. So I will see him again and see where it goes... Hopefully will be ok.

[lifesatrip]

(I don't think he's head over heels or anything).

[lifesatrip]

It's hard for me to know if this is fair or not, but it is just the early stages of dating so I'm trying not to take it too seriously, he seems to be the type to pursue something undefined as well.

[lifesatrip]

If you guys think I'm being self serving or playing games let me know.

[lifesatrip]

My goal right now for dating is to make and experience connections with people whether they be short or long term. (Long term is ideal but probably not practical as I will be moving soonish). I think I can enjoy a casual encounter if there is more than just sex, but a genuine desire to connect with the person on other levels albeit not necessarily a deep romantic level. This is where I am coming from on this. And connecting doesnt have to involve sex but that can be wonderful if the chemistry is right and we both feel sufficiently comfortable and on same page.

[lifesatrip]

I'm going to disagree with the majority. If you have access to the internet, which you must by posting here, you have access to the dating site, and it doesn't take a lot to send a text and let the guy know you don't have a phone and you're pretty much off the grid until Friday. You're not sure about him...okay, that's fine, but you won't know unless you get a couple more dates out of him. It's not like you plan to drag this out indefinitely. Make a choice. If you want to see this play out a little more, reach out. If you don't, you can easily use your keyboard and let him know you don't see this going anywhere and wish him well. Either way, ghosting is a little crappy, and I know that after only one or two dates, it's pretty much the status quo, but if you have a enough interest to see how things go for another date or two, touch base. Let him know what's going on.

 

Thanks. I finally got phone back saw that he had got in touch. I didn't want to reach out on dating site because was feeling inclined to cut my losses and move on and as someone else here posted it would be messed up to reach out just to reject. Now that some time has passed and I have had some space from him I do want to see him again, at least one more time and see what happens.

[lifesatrip]

Ha, you read me well. Have lots of anxiety about these types of situations, it sucks to hear it is so visible though

[lifesatrip]

Originally Posted by katrina1980

>>Wouldn't mind being friends and possibly open to fool around some if the moment is right ….

 

Sounds more like you're seeking a man (him) to be an occasional FWB?

I thought that too but it doesn't match. If the speed of their sexual progress was offputting why would she then turn around and want to be sex buddies? Why all this analyzing and need to be friends business? Why the stress about telling him it's over, but not really, well maybe friends and then maybe hookup...

 

I realize I could be completely off but the first thought that went through my mind after reading that second post that i quoted was, anxiety wrote this post, because it's everywhere. Again could be way off, just the verbiage, I don't know that's where my head went

 

 

Ha, you read me well. Have lots of anxiety about these types of situations, it sucks to hear it is so visible though

[Batya33]

Thanks. I finally got phone back saw that he had got in touch. I didn't want to reach out on dating site because was feeling inclined to cut my losses and move on and as someone else here posted it would be messed up to reach out just to reject. Now that some time has passed and I have had some space from him I do want to see him again, at least one more time and see what happens.

 

OK -sure you can give it another chance if he is still interested. He might not be given how much time has passed and you not trying to reach out to respond in a different way (if I were him the excuse of no phone would not fly with me - I would know there was more to it and wouldn't like the excuse). I get that you couldn't have known if he called you but given how intimate you were and how much time you spent together coyly sitting back and knowing he likely called you would counterbalance the "girl can wait for boy to call" kind of thing.

[reinventmyself]

It makes perfect sense now. Things moved too fast and you weren't able to catch up emotionally so you second guessed things and put the brakes on.

Now with some objective distance you'd like to explore things with him but at a manageable pace.

It remains to seen if he's willing to readjust.

[firstluvstruck]

Don't ghost. It's the norm now and it sucks. Imagine you like a guy or at least wonder where he stands - you spend all that time waiting for a text..is he interested? what are we going to do for our next date?

vs you get a nice text saying "hey X, I had a good time with you these past couple weeks but I don't see a romantic potential for us." with the closure you may feel hurt for a quick minute, but you can move on and start talking to other people.

 

whatever you do, just be honest. don't ghost. it SUCKS so much for the other person. if you can reach out on the dating site and talk to him then do it!

 

Edit: Ok I guess I missed every other post on this thread after the first page. sorry!!

[katrina1980]

It makes perfect sense now. Things moved too fast and you weren't able to catch up emotionally so you second guessed things and put the brakes on.

Now with some objective distance you'd like to explore things with him but at a manageable pace.

 

I agree and is not all that uncommon actually. I have experienced it myself (as have some men I have dated) so understand it.

 

Contrary to popular belief, things don't always flow easily or follow a consistent path, there may be a bit of back and forth in these very early stages.

 

It's important to be flexible and open to these changing nuances, while finding your way towards each other. It's not always as easy as we would like to believe.

 

When feelings are involved it rarely is, in my opinion.

 

For some reason I have a feeling he'll be open to seeing you again. Not sure where that feeling is coming from, perhaps over-optimism or just a sense due to my own experiences.

 

The phone thing - doesn't matter. Things happened too quickly and you became ambivalent.

 

Distance gave you a more coherent perspective (often does), again not uncommon.

 

Not that this is true love or even close, but I quite like this quote and find it appropo.

 

>>the course of true love never did run smooth. Always encounters difficulties.

-William Shakespeare (a Midsummer Night's Dream)

 

Best of luck and keep us posted!

[Batya33]

It makes perfect sense now. Things moved too fast and you weren't able to catch up emotionally so you second guessed things and put the brakes on.

Now with some objective distance you'd like to explore things with him but at a manageable pace.

It remains to seen if he's willing to readjust.

 

Yes and I think it would be understandable if he chose not to even if he were still interested -it's a lot to ask of a new person, it's a risk to him to get more attached and have her react to being scared by being non-responsive to him, and since she met him on a dating site he likely has been looking to date others in the meanwhile.

[katrina1980]

Agree with you B, but if they dial it back a bit, and proceed at a more reasonable pace, perhaps she may not get so freaked out and need to pull back (i.e. get scared).

 

Just a thought, this same thing happened to me when I started dated my long term ex, things started out at lightening speed, too fast for me and I pulled back.

 

When I explained how we needed to dial it back, he understood.

 

I felt much better (I think he did too) and we went on to have a RL for six years.

 

But yeah if he chooses to not proceed, totally understandable as well.

[abitbroken]

Agree with you B, but if they dial it back a bit, and proceed at a more reasonable pace, perhaps she may not get so freaked out and need to pull back (i.e. get scared).

 

Just a thought, this same thing happened to me when I started dated my long term ex, things started out at lightening speed, too fast for me and I pulled back.

 

When I explained how we needed to dial it back, he understood.

 

I felt much better (I think he did too) and we went on to have a RL for six years.

 

But yeah if he chooses to not proceed, totally understandable as well.

 

I wouldn't even explain "i want to dial it back" - i would just dial it back by not going to his place (even if you have to let him know ahead of time the night will be cut short because you have to get up early to avoid the temptation on your part), meeting in public, going on a proper date, etc. instead of "lets be friends"

[katrina1980]

I wouldn't even explain "i want to dial it back" - i would just dial it back by not going to his place (even if you have to let him know ahead of time the night will be cut short because you have to get up early to avoid the temptation on your part), meeting in public, going on a proper date, etc. instead of "lets be friends"

 

Yeah, that makes sense. In my case with my ex, we had already had sex (first night we met actually) so I felt I had to say something because he was really pushing everything really fast.

 

It turned out fine though, he understood and think he felt better too.

 

His nature, prior to meeting me, was to fast forward everything and then burning out, which didn't happen with me since I insisted we take it slower.

 

But since OP and her guy have not technically had sex, agree that it would be easier to just let her actions lead the way, and also agree, take this "friends" bit off the table as it appears that's not really what she wants now anyway.

[figureitout23]

Thanks. I finally got phone back saw that he had got in touch. I didn't want to reach out on dating site because was feeling inclined to cut my losses and move on and as someone else here posted it would be messed up to reach out just to reject. Now that some time has passed and I have had some space from him I do want to see him again, at least one more time and see what happens.

 

Thanks for all of the comments. I just want to set a couple of things straight. A couple days went by after our intimate night and he hadn't texted me and I didn't know if he would or not. Right after the encounter I was kind of disgusted with myself for letting it get too hot and heavy too soon. But I do have attraction for him. I am genuinly intrigued by his personality but also have some fears about potential red flags. I'd like to get to know him more on a human level and not just a sexual level and I would like to put that more to the forefront of our interactions. If that is in the forefront and it feels right, I might be into more heavy physical intimacy but I don't know him well enough to say yet. So I want to go out with him again but I told him that I was overwhelmed with how fast things went and am hoping to have a more low key hang out with him. I don't know what will happen but the more space I have away from him the more open I feel to wanting to see him again. Yes, I am lukewarm but we have only had two dates and that is not enough. Plus, I don't think he is necessarily looking for something very serious, he may be moving soon. So I will see him again and see where it goes... Hopefully will be ok.

 

(I don't think he's head over heels or anything).

 

Ha, you read me well. Have lots of anxiety about these types of situations, it sucks to hear it is so visible though

 

Im still not reading this as sex made her pull back or that them moving too fast made her pull back. I just see glaring signs that his pulling away after their fooling around made her panic and go into defense mode. "I'm gonna hurt you before you hurt me." I dont see her pulling back having anything to do with her feelings for him, it seems shes smitten but again he pulled away a little after they fooled around and like it often happens in these situations, a girl who was intimate early and made herself vulnerable early, feels uneasy and anxiety goes into hyper drive.

 

I dont think anything should be done.

 

Well I take that back, I think OPer should learn who she is. If shes not a casual kind of girl, she shouldnt act now, panic later. In other words probably not going to be a good idea to lead with sex, cant handle it.

 

Cant really put the genie back in the bottle, all that can be done is quietly pull back and suggest more public dates, if he agrees awesome, if not disengage.

 

FWIW, I think things have potential. Just dont show the anxiety again, its going to come off to him like its coming off to us, confusing as h*ll

[lifesatrip]

Thanks for everyone's advice! I saw him again (he suggested we do something). I mentioned to him that things got too intimate too fast for me before and he said he didn't know where he stands toward me or something like that but enjoys time together etc. so I thought ok, he is not sure how he feels or what he wants with me, and I am not sure either so no harm in seeing each other again to see if there is potential. I was really nervous for some reason on the date and felt kind of closed off emotionally, but I enjoyed talking to him and was becoming more relaxed and interested in him as we spent more time actually talking and getting to know each other. (We had a couple of drinks which also helped with loosen things up). He definitely understood and respected the fact that I was not wanting to speed into physical intimacy again which was really nice. I really appreciated him taking that seriously and not trying to push. Toward the end of the night we kissed a little and then hugged a lot which felt really good but we did nothing other than that. I think because we had been drinking we were maybe being too affectionate in the way we were hugging. We were somewhat drunk at this point and then he started saying stuff that was really intense. I don't want to go into all details but basically was sort of future talk. (He didn't say he wanted to be with me forever but did say that things could possibly develop that way, and if they did he would be willing to prioritize relationship and make certain sacrifices. There was more but don't want to go into all details. I said we barely know each other and he got a little sheepish and said maybe i'm drunk. But then he said more. That is a huge warning signal/red flag in my brain and made me feel a bit panicked. So now I have some attraction and interest in him but also a ton of anxiety and the impulse to run in the opposite direction. He is from another culture and maybe the words have a different significance in his, but I don't know and don't want to bet on that. I don't know him well enough to trust him, could be trying to manipulate me or could be trying to rush into something fast without knowing each other, or maybe was just drunk, but my feeling is to back away. Do others see this as a red flag?