Do women ever only cheat once?

[LightWave93]

UKguy27,

 

I was away when I wrote my first post to you, so it was a bit short. Allow me to explain my thinking;

 

The only reason why your wife came clean about her cheating is because you returned home early one day and you caught her with condoms in her bag. If you had not done this, then it would have continued behind your back without you knowing until some other circumstance cropped up that allowed you to catch her in the act. This could have been weeks, months or years.

 

Yet, you did, and she confessed. Great, in a way, because now you know. But she lied about how much she was talking to him, circumstances they'd met, how often, what they've done etc. The only time she has ever told you the truth is when you have caught her in the act, or manipulated her into telling the truth (EG. by saying you spoke to her affair). If she was truly regretting what she had done, she would have echo'd similar actions as you did when you were the one to cheat. She did not.

 

With respect, you are a fool if you believe her any longer and continue with this relationship. I'm being blunt here because I genuinely do care about you, and want you to be happy. This woman will not give you happiness; she will hurt you further, and she already does not respect you.

 

I hope you leave her, for your sake.

[Unreasonable]

Can they only cheat once? Sure. Will they only cheat once? Well, statistics bear out that if you cheat once, you are 350% more likely to cheat again (cite). So sure, it's possible. Just not bloody likely.

 

BTW, that applies to you too.

[tattoobunnie]

So she tricked you into going to a trip, while she met up with a guy she already hooked up with before.

 

1 time is cheater. 2+ times is an affair. And then it took until getting caught for her to change her number.

 

When I caught my husband sexting. The same girl was dumb enough to create a secret account, and try to contact him again. Hello, I saw the exchange, why would a new account make any difference (what a moron).

 

But this is not the same thing as him booking a hotel, going down on another women, and then porking her with no condom. So reverse this... your wife met him at a hotel after lying to you, then blew him, then had intercourse with him.

 

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN. The fact that she went to such great lengths to even do it, what a sociopath jerkbag. I would throw her stuff out, and have her arse out on the curb.

 

I think you need time apart. Take time without her puppy dog eyes staring at you trying to sympathy from you, so you can think clearly. And stop talking to her mom. Talk to your mom. What she did was so beyond cold-blooded.

 

You may be doing great now because you want so bad for things to work, cuz heck, starting over is scary. But she is on her goodie-two shoes. And time will help you decompress from what is happening. Reality will set in, and you will see how much you can hate her for what she did. She never bothered telling you how hurt she has been over the years. She bottled it up. She doesn't blame you for it now because saying that doesn't work in her favor.

 

Good luck - you may feel differently another month from now. And you'll always have it in the back of your mind, just like when you cheated on her.

[DancingFool]

Also we went to the councillor 3 times, after that I said I didn't want to go anymore because I felt we could do it on our own. Never was one for therapy anyway, but she just nodded and went with whatever I wanted.

 

But councillor did say it was wrong what she did and she agreed, and that we have to have coping mechanisms to put it behind us, which was a load of hoohar too me

 

This is rather ironic. You called it hoohar and yet here you are seeking exactly what the therapist suggested that you both need - a coping mechanism, a way forward out of this mess, reassurance and reading your entire thread, you are rolling with whatever the opinions of strangers in either direction.

 

Dude, if you want your marriage to work, then go back to the therapist and this time with an open mind. Treat this more like if you go to a trainer to fix your crooked golf swing, then do as they say and don't insist that you know better and what the trainer tells you to do is just a bunch of bs. You are there to fix a problem, so get on with it.

 

You'll get a lot of posters on here telling you to drop her, run, get a divorce, etc. A lot of those posters are jaded, have been cheated on and are projecting. So take what strangers tell you with a huge grain of salt.

 

In reality, whether a couple can or cannot get past infidelity is highly individual to that couple. Some people can, some cannot. It takes work, it takes time. Sometimes divorcing the cheater immediately and with extreme prejudice is the correct path and makes the only sense in that particular case. In other cases, people get past it, fix their marriage and live happily together, in other cases still, people choose to stay together and turn a blind eye to their partner's cheating. Life is not really quite so black and white as posters on here tend to want it to be when it comes to this topic.

 

You, OP, have to make choices you can live with because you and only you will be living with them. Btw, secretly policing your wife's accounts is pretty messed up. Either you can sort yourselves out and you can forgive her and get past this or you cannot and this marriage will need to end. You can't play parole office in your marriage forever. Do get help and don't call it hooohar.

[reinventmyself]

My therapist (licensed family/marriage counselor) said to me once:

 

"There are times that an affair is the best thing that happens to a marriage. If forces people to get off the sidelines and get into the game"

[tattoobunnie]

"There are times that an affair is the best thing that happens to a marriage. If forces people to get off the sidelines and get into the game"

 

Or you just are now seeing the real person, and definitely the person they've become.

[MissCanuck]

'26 isn't very young though. She should be more than aware of the effects of her actions. I don't think she thought too much about the econsequences. It's more along the lines of 'I'm going to do this because I want to. Let's hope that he doesn't find out'

 

Don't know how old you are Honey but to me 26 is very young indeed. And yes, agree. She didn't think about the consequences. She did it because she wanted to, and because she could, and hoped he doesn't find out.

 

The bottom line is, it is up to them to decide what they want to do now that all this happened. And it's not always as simple as 'she is evil, get a lawyer'.

 

Yes, she did - which is why she lied and went to some lengths to hide it all. She thought about it enough to actively try to deceive her husband so she wouldn't have to deal with those consequences.

 

And really, let's be honest, people of all ages cheat and end marriages. Being younger and inexperienced is a factor yes, but that most certainly doesn't say much for the 45+ folks who do exactly the same thing. Let's not assume that older always means wiser and therefore correct. That is simply not true.

[SherrySher]

Not at all like me, and wouldn't be at all attractive in her eyes.

 

That's not true. She would have had attraction in order to go to the lengths she did to see him and to have sex with him. She was calculating and did everything she could to be with him.

 

As for your question, would she do this again.

I will give you my honest answer, from my experience in life and from what I have seen on others lives with their cheating partner, the chances are quite high.

The more lying that was done, the more hiding and manipulations and how many times they had sex and the lengths they went to and so on..all of it shows just how deceptive she is.

 

You need to remember one thing. Not every one has it in them to cheat or deceive. It is a trait not unlike stealing or punching someone. Not every single person is capable of doing those things..EVEN IF DRIVEN TO IT. They still could not do it.

 

You thinking in your mind that you must have made her do it, it completely wrong. I once again go back to the facts about how her father is, that is actually quite significant.

She has this trait in her and it wasn't a stupid drunken mistake, she planned, she waited, she lied and hid things and was calculating.

That alone goes to show that she most definitely is capable of doing it again.

[saluk]

You went to therapy 3 times, decided you would be OK on your own, and then after trying to be OK on your own, are now here ready to either stick with it or get a quickie divorce based on the whims of the crowd.

 

I want to add my voice to the crowd saying to stop beating yourself up for your mistake. You didn't go through with it when you were drunk and had someone throwing herself at you, and then you even went as far as coming clean without trying to pretend it didn't happen, and imposing rules on yourself to prevent that behavior in the future. That's character. Some of those rules I'm not sure I agree with. Not being able to go out without your wife present is very strict, and if it hadn't started squandering you now, you may have started to regret that later on. It's healthy in a relationship for both parties to be able to have a life. Your one time you actually get some independent time away, and she cheats on you. Your wife may have felt some pressure in following a similar strict code. Being too restrictive can sometimes have the opposite intended effect.

 

But at the end of the day, she showed her character in this situation (through the event itself, the series of half truths and the blaming you) every bit as much as you showed yours in your situation. It's easy to promise not to do something again, and even pretty easy in this case to cut the ties to prevent this particular infidelity from happening again. (Unless she has just found new ways to hide an ongoing affair) But changing ones actual character is harder. A situation will come up in the future that will test her character again - you can be sure of it. Certainly none of us, not you, and even herself cannot predict until it happens whether she would pass that test or not.

[Lester]

My therapist (licensed family/marriage counselor) said to me once:

 

"There are times that an affair is the best thing that happens to a marriage. If forces people to get off the sidelines and get into the game"

 

I hope he/she also pointed out that only one and thousand survive it.

[SherrySher]

^^^^ So true. Cheating brings far more damage than any good. Very few relationships survive.

[boltnrun]

So you say you know for a fact she is no longer in contact.

 

I wonder how you can know for a fact that she didn't go down to Cricket Wireless or the swap meet to buy a "burner" phone that you know nothing about.

[LightWave93]

Thread's like these I find are difficult to respond to because in some cases you do want to be positive and say "Ya'know what, people make mistakes. Relationships have survived from this. Maybe this situation in one of those times". Unfortunately, you also have to be realistic and understand that we're looking from an outsider's perspective with only half the story and without the wealth of knowledge / experience that come from having been in that specific relationship.

 

But as an outsider and someone who has given advice on topics such as these for years, the answer is generally not good.

 

OP:

 

I've said what I've had to say. In short, I genuinely believe you're being played for a fool and that any decision other than to leave will come back to haunt / hurt you. I truly hope it doesn't, but it's very likely. I hope you make the best decision and live a healthy, happy life.

[HealingLight]

You didn't go through with it when you were drunk and had someone throwing herself at you, and then you even went as far as coming clean without trying to pretend it didn't happen, and imposing rules on yourself to prevent that behavior in the future. That's character. Some of those rules I'm not sure I agree with. Not being able to go out without your wife present is very strict, and if it hadn't started squandering you now, you may have started to regret that later on. It's healthy in a relationship for both parties to be able to have a life

 

This. The fact that she ever took what happened with you and tried to equate it or blame it as the reason why she acted out is so ridiculous to me. She was grasping at straws to avoid responsibility and it sounds like she's still doing it if it's her explanation as to why she cheated. I believe she had gotten over it like she had mentioned in conversations before she cheated and before it became a convenient excuse for her to get away with her deceitful actions. And here you established some kind of self-imposed prison that was very unreasonable for 3 years all in an effort to express your remorse. I think it's sickening how she tried to pile this on top as if you deserved to be punished further and it was all justifiable.

 

And don't assume that just because a guy doesn't look like you she isn't attracted to him. Her cheating was pre-meditated, calculated. She went to great lengths to still continue the affair behind your back knowing how much it had hurt you. Obviously there are feelings and attraction there for her. I would get tested for STDs. Frankly, I think if she hadn't been caught red-handed she would still be doing it--especially since, after she was caught, she still did it. I don't believe this is a one-off for her.

[Usa1ah]

Most likely she has been cheating.

 

Mostly will continue to cheat. She will just get good at hiding it.

[ShatteredMan]

Most likely she has been cheating.

 

Mostly will continue to cheat. She will just get good at hiding it.

Agree. Get some professional counseling and a good divorce lawyer.

 

I know this is probably of little consolation but at least (from what I've read) there aren't children between the two of you.

[BecxyRex]

OP, I haven't read through every single answer, but I wouldn't leave a 10 year relationship (marriage at this point) over her cheating.

I agree, there's a difference between making a mistake in the moment like yours and her deliberate planning and continuous deceit. It'll take lots of work on both ends to pull through and make it work, but I also ultimately believe that it CAN make a relationship come out stronger. I would stop the comparing though. You BOTH made mistakes that hurt the other, and to me there's little sense in weighing what's worse. It comes down to CAN you forgive and is she showing you through actions that she is indeed serious about repairing?

 

Regarding your question about if she'll do this again. Of course, nobody can give you that answer. I believe the odds are on the higher end that she will, but I've also heard of lots of cases where the cheater did not repeat. I think it's on you to decide if giving her a chance is worth it and how remorseful she seems to you. Sure, ultimately actions speak louder than words, and yes she COULD be in secret communication with him still. Do you feel like she's being sketchy with her whereabouts? Do you think she'd legitimately have time to put into this other dude secretly?

 

I think therapy is worth it just to address in the first place how it came to the cheating. I don't believe it had anything to do with her getting back at you, and if she insists on that explanation, I'd honestly file for divorce. If there was no attraction to the guy she would've not gone through the length she did to meet up, so don't accept that answer. However, a therapist could uncover other things the relationship may have been lacking. You guys intimate on a regular basis? Is the spark still there?

 

I also have to agree with some posters that it may have been a case of curiosity since she was so young when she got in a relationship with you. The question is if she truly sees this as a mistake or has only now discovered how liberating being single COULD be. That's on you guys to decide, but I don't believe she's evil and some other words she's been described as here.

[boltnrun]

I totally get the wanting to experience what you missed out on in your younger years thing.

 

I met my husband when I was a teenager and married him when I was barely out of my teens. I was kind of an ugly duckling and didn't really start to be more attractive (or FEEL like I was) until I got into my mid-20s and was getting attention from men. I started to realize that there were other men out there, that I had the potential for "options" other than the ONE guy I had who wanted to date me. So, I started having a LOT of thoughts about other men. I had one crush after another after another on men not my husband. I started to want to hang out with different people and didn't really see the value my husband brought to my life. We had kids so it wasn't just like it would have been an easy decision to leave. At some point he started pulling away emotionally. Did he sense that I was noticing other men? Was HE noticing other women (I was his first and only girlfriend)? Did we both start to disconnect because we had grown up and grown apart? All I know is the things we used to have in common didn't seem to be able to hold us together anymore.

 

We ended up divorcing. We had grown further and further apart until there was a rift too large to close. I felt awful, I'm sure he felt awful, but bottom line we just no longer belonged together.

 

Sharing my story in case some of it helps.

[BecxyRex]

I totally get the wanting to experience what you missed out on in your younger years thing.

 

Totally get this. My first marriage ended due to unrelated reasons, but a part of its demise had to do with us being too young.

You grow so much from 18 to your mid 20's even and being with the same person can mean you grow together, but it's also likely you grow apart to some degree.

 

I think it's important for both OP and his wife to decide if they're truly content with one another or if curiosity at their age is still too high. I feel like it could go either way really, but that's where a therapist could help.

[JCSK]

My main concern is the amount of preparation that was put into this cheat. She manipulated you into going to London, making you think that you had turned a corner and that she fully trusted you again but really because she wanted to get you out the way. And she had all these heartfelt phone calls with you whilst she was literally in the process of cheating whilst away on her training course. That's a bit messed up. I'm afraid I highly doubt she's broken all connection with this guy. They work for the same company so they'll have an internal work email which you won't have access to so it'd be very easy for her to stay in contact with him. I'm not saying she is, I might be completely wrong and this may well be a case of her being a bit curious but now she's got it out of her system. Only time will tell. Just go steady and keep your wits about you, and do not, in any way, blame yourself for her affair. This is all on her.

ps. the mother sounds a bit bitter and I really don't think she is the best sounding board for this. Not speaking to her other daughter for six years because she repeated a pattern of behaviour that mirrored her father's is not healthy or normal. She should be supporting her children to make better decisions, not casting her out like something out of biblical times. Bitter people make terrible sounding boards as they cannot help but inject too much of their feedback.

 

I do hope things work out for you. And in answer to your question: I'm afraid that without the use of crystal ball, there isn't one.

[jimthzz]

OK, I tend to be practical about this now having gone through a lot of what happened to you--a cheating wife blaming you.

 

Have you gotten tested for STDs yet? Ever? Both of you.

 

You need to. Condoms don't matter for some of the things you can get.

 

A cheater can infect you with something that gives you cancer down the road and does nothing to her. Google "HPV throat cancer".

 

I hope I'm not too alarmist, but my cheating first wife did this to me. In her mind, all was fine as long as she was secretive, took a shower, etc.

 

Viruses are more clever than that.

 

Good luck.