Jump to content

UKguy27

Members
  • Posts

    14
  • Joined

UKguy27's Achievements

Rookie

Rookie (2/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later

Recent Badges

3

Reputation

  1. Were doing our best. Thank you. Just guess I need reassurance sometimes. Not sure why I look for it in strangers on the internet haha
  2. It's also worth mentioning, there was one night I got really wound up, and realised I was massively depressed. We had a massive argument and she couldn't get through to me. In the end she called my parents and got them down to our house and admitted everything to them, apologized to them for it all, but asked them to help me through it, as she didn't know how to make it go away for me.
  3. Well, for me, marrying L was still the best thing I ever did. Regarding the cheating, I do believe she is remorseful and just let her emotions get the better of her. Neither of us say it is justified, despite what she said in the beginning. I've spoken too her mom quite a lot, and I have no reason to believe she is covering for her. She has already cut off one daughter for being too much like her dad. She hasn't spoke to her for 6 years and doesn't intend to again. She has not interfered at all and only given subjective advice (apart from at the start when she told me I should leave her) Since then they've spoken a lot about what happened and her mom relayed it all to me. She says she has no issues with cutting L off if she is ever unfaithful again. And I do believe her, because although she is now happily remarried, she tells me she never really got over it and doesn't want to see her daughter become that person.
  4. Honey, it's not been as easy as it may seem. There were a lot of up and downs. I admit, initially I was weak and let her blame me. But once I got my head fixed, I started putting myself first. Letting her do all the work and she really did come crawling. Yeah there might be a lot of people saying they wished they had ended it. But how many people will make it work and don't feel the need to come back and make a post about it? Most people, like me, only sign up when they need advice. Once it's all fixed and they've made if work, they may not feel the need to come back and say?
  5. Metaltwin, thank you. I act so hasty sometimes with the roller coaster of emotions. I'll talk to her tonight. I do hate to bring it up because I really did punish her for if for about a month or so. Really let the guilt get hold of her, once she saw what she did. Since then we only try to talk about it objectively without any emotions. I've seen the guy, without being big headed, he's nothing. Not at all like me, and wouldn't be at all attractive in her eyes. So I do believe her when she says there was no feelings or attraction towards him. She says it was just the feelings of years of bottling up what I did and not seeking any advice or help, until it was too late. Thank you again I really appreciate it
  6. Also we went to the councillor 3 times, after that I said I didn't want to go anymore because I felt we could do it on our own. Never was one for therapy anyway, but she just nodded and went with whatever I wanted. But councillor did say it was wrong what she did and she agreed, and that we have to have coping mechanisms to put it behind us, which was a load of hoohar too me
  7. Thanks for your replies. You do seem to have given another insight other on here haven't. I don't want her out of my life at all. We've both been through a lot, and helped each other out of a lot of tough times. I do believe we love eachother more than anything and that we would both be miserable without eachother. I have forgiven the actions, just not forgotten how it came to light. That is my only worry. But how justified is it if she is doing everything in her power to make me feel at ease, e.g. allowing the tracker on phones, taking lock of her phone, not going out with friends. Just wanted a general consensus, if an affair (if you can call it that it was only 2 or 3 weeks, and they only were physically together on 2 occasions) is ever a one time thing?
  8. No, she did blame me when it all came to light. But when the whole truth finally came out she was far from blaming me. She doesn't blame me at all now. I agree it wasn't a mistake. But she did cut all contact and change her number. She says it's the worst thing she has ever done, and that she really wishes she listened to all the guilt I poured out when I was the one who cheated. So can someone cheat and really regret it? Bare in mind there has been no further communication, I'm sure of that. This all ended in early march, it just touch a while to all come out. Thanks everyone else for the replies. I do really want it to work but this whole thing had given me such anxiety I never know if I'm making the right choice. But since it all came out, there has been no warning signs, she's always been where she says she is, and she never works late or goes out. So back to my original question, do people who have affairs ever not do it again?
  9. Thanks for the advice. It's such a shame because we've been getting on amazingly well for the last few months. I've just got home from work early, felt ill from this. I'm just in the process of starting a divorce now. I'll tell L when she's home. Thanks again. Made me open my eyes
  10. S*** Looks like Ive messed up something good then. This is from my mind not hers, but I know for certain she would never have cheated if I didn't first. Maybe I've triggered a cheat now then. Today is not going as I planned.
  11. Yes I'm the only one. And no she doesn't blame me anymore. She would kick my arse if she knew I still felt to blame. She is very level headed about it all now. Completely accepts it was her fault and says it will never happen again. We've lbeen getting on so well but now I have read these replies I'm starting to question myself
  12. We havent argued about this in months, I don't just want to go home and tell her we need to divorce as weve both been working really hard to get through this. I was just wondering if people ever do just cheat once?
  13. Hi, Thanks for all the replies... To add to all to all of this, when everything finally came out, she changed her phone number, told her work she wouldn't be able to go on courses or work away anymore, and we did have a lot of couples councilling. I do trust her mother, as L's father had an affair just before me and L got together and it completely destroyed her Mom. Her mom is now happily remarried, but does say she wishes she could have worked at it like we did. I've checked all phone records and social media, and there is absolutely no record of those 2 talking since I last confronted her about it at the end of Feb. L doesn't know, but all her social media accounts are now linked to my phone, and every message she receive comes to my phone. Also there is nothing out of the ordinary in her phone records, which she cant delete. Yes, she did initially blame me, but over the past few months she has accepted complete responsibility. Said she thought she had feelings for him, but when it all came to a head, she realised it was me she loved and wanted to be with. I can't stress enough that the past 3 months, she has not blamed me for any of this at all, and she has never seen him since they last met when I was away, as we spend all our time together. We also have trackers on eachother phones to keep an eye on eachother. Thank you
  14. Hi, For a bit of background, I'm 27 and my wife is 26. I'll refer to her as L through this post. We've been together since we we're 18 and been married just over a year. I had a couple of relationships before her that lasted a few months each, and she only ever had one relationship before me, and that was the only person she was ever intimate with. We moved in together just after 2 years of dating. We've never really had any problems throughout our relationship, nothing ever went stale, and we've always been that couple that ever says are the 'perfect couple'. The flame never really burnt out, we talk and text as much now as we did when we met, if not more. We call each other on every commute to work and pretty much text all day. We're completely in sync with each other. Around 3 years ago, I went on a night out with a few friends, got completely drunk, and ended up kissing another woman and doing a few more things with her. It was when the woman told me she wanted to have sex with me that it hit me what I was doing. I instantly sobered up and walked away. I went home, showered, and slept on the sofa that night. The next morning it was obvious to L that something wasn't right, I told her pretty much straight away what had happened, and how sorry I was and that I completely understand if she couldn't be with me anymore. That I would do anything for her to stay with me, but that I'd also make the break up as easy as possible on her if she wanted it to end. I said i'd move out and sort out all of the bills and just completely take all the pressure off of her. She decided to give me another chance. There weren't any ground rules or anything set by her, so I opted to give up my 'privilege' of being trusted to go out on my own. From then on, I would never go out with friends without her, apart from the occasional meal which I'd always be back early from. It's important to note that none of this was her idea. I just wanted to do the right thing and never give her reason to think I'd do the same again. Fast forward 3 years, to Jan 2018. We've been married for 6 months, and our troubled past seems to be but forgotten by her. I still live with regret day to day, but dont let it affect the marriage. L is starting a new job at the end of January and we've just moved into a new house. My friends are planning a weekend trip away to London, but I don't even mention it to L, as I've kept my promise of not going out without her for 3 years. L finds out from my friends partners about this trip and approaches me, saying she can't believe that I was that serious about my promise that I didn't even mention the trip to her. She says its time to move on, and that she trusts me and that I should go away for the weekend in February. I agree to go and we leave it at that. The end of January comes and L has been in her new job for a week. She has to go on a training course for 3 days which is 80 miles away, so she will be staying away for 2 nights. This is roughly 2 or 3 weeks before I'm due to go away. She drives to the area where the course is due to take place, and as usual we talk pretty much the whole commute on the phone. She checks into the hotel and goes to the course, where she meets other new starter from all over the country. We speak all day as usual until she arrives back to the hotel. When she gets to the hotel she calls me and says a few of them are going out for a meal and some drinks. She said none of the females on the course want to go out, so it will be her and 4 guys and asks if its ok. Obviously I say it's fine as she's always been a very trustworthy and innocent woman. I tell her to have a nice time and that i'll speak to her later, she tells me she will text throughout the night and call me when shes back at the hotel. We don't text all that night and it gets to 12am (it's a work night and she never stays out late). I call her, she answers and shes in a bar with these 4 guys, saying shes being looked after and that everything is fine, and she will call me when she leaves. She never calls, I go to bed and call her the next morning. She answers the phone around 7am, apologizes for not calling to say shes back, I tell her how worried I was that she was with 4 strangers shes only known for one day, and allowed herself to get so drunk with them, on her own without anyone she knows. Tell her that anything could have happened to her and all that usual stuff. She says she knows and cries saying shes a terrible wife and that I deserve better. I ask her whats wrong and she just says her behavior was stupid lastnight and that she should have called. I tell her its ok and that I love her and then I go to work. For pretty much the first time in our relationship we barely text that day while I'm at work and shes on the course. She puts it down to being tired from the night before. She goes out for another meal after that day on the course, but is back at the room by 10pm, calls me for 5 minutes and then says she is exhausted from the night before and needs sleep. So we both go to bed and dont talk until the morning. The next day she texts a few time on her course, but says she is rushing to complete the work so she can come home to me sooner. She completes the course and drives back and arrives home roughly the same time as me. We are talking and we both know that were on edge because of that night out she has. I say "Look, if anything happened, we all make mistakes, I know that most of all, it's fine, just tell me" She denies anything happened, shouts at me saying how she isn't a cheat and I shouldn't judge her by my standards and all that. I say how out of character she was and still is, and we have out first argument of our 6 month long marriage, and our first argument for years pretty much. After that it's all fine. Its 2 weeks until i'm due to go to london for the weekend, and we're back to how we used to be, i.e. calling and texting all day. Life is exactly as it was. In those to weeks, we seem a lot closer than usual (which neither of us thought we could possibly get closer) we celebrate valentines day and my birthday and no further issues arise. 2 weeks later, I'm packing my bag friday morning, ready to leave with my friends at lunch. Say goodbye to L, but we text while i'm on the train ride down. Me and my friends have our first night out, and I have my first night out in over 3 years and really enjoy it. I call L when i'm back at the the room, we have a huge heart to heart, I tell her how much I love and miss her, and that I've never really let it go what I did, she tells me she never thinks about it. I tell her truthfully that there hasn't been a day where I havent thought about it and that I beat myself up every day for hurting her. She tells me she wishes I'd have opened up to her and we kind of drift of topic and talk about our lives until I fall asleep. Nothing significant happens the next days, me and friends get ready for 2nd night out. As we're drinking, I come to sudden realization that I'm not enjoying my weekend away as much as I enjoy my time with L on weekends, sitting on sofa watching films. I'm tipsy, but I tell my friends and they understand. I go back to my room early, grab my things and jump on a train home that night, leaving my friends in London. I try to call L to tell her, but shes not answering. I fall asleep on train and wake up at my stop. Get a taxi home and that's when our problems really start. I get home and our house is empty. Can't get a hold of L and start to worry. I figure something is going on but don't really have anyone to turn to. I lay away all night until she comes home around 9pm Sunday morning. L doesn't know I'm home as I'm not due back until the afternoon but I confront her at the door with her overnight bag. She looks like shes seen a ghost, stumbles on her words and says shes stayed with her parents the night. I snatch the bag away and look inside and find an unopened pack of condoms. I just asked her what happened, she doesn't tell me but we argue for hours, and then I finally get it out of her that a guy from the course came down to our local city, booked a hotel room with her and they had a night out and unprotected sex. This hits me like a tonne of bricks, and I'm off work for the next week or so with stress and anxiety. Within that week a really start to talk about our lives, and she profusely apologizes, and says she never quite forgave what I did and felt like she needed to get back, and now she says she knows how I feel after hurting her, and that its the worst feeling in the world. Obviously its rocky, but we make it work as we did when it was me that cheated on L. I get back into work for a few days and things seem to be coming back to normal. After being back at work a few days, I start to get my head straight. Have doubts about L but know that we love eachother a lot. I tell her i have trust issues, she says it's fine, and that nothing has changed, that her phone is still always available and never hidden just like before. We carry on just as we did, but with the occasional out pour of guilt and crying from L After being back at work for a week, and getting back on track with L, she swears it was a one time thing and that she hasn't spoke to him since. From now on I'll call him H. One day, i'm in work and I suddenly get the urge to check her online phone record. I see that on that morning she has contacted a strange number. I check the number on facebook and its H. I go back through the records from the weekend I went away until that date (which was around the middle of march) and find out she has contacted H 3 times since the night she cheated on me with him when I was away with friends. I get up and walk out of work and drive straight home to her, as its her day off. Tell her what I've found and she repeatedly denies it until I show it her in black and white. She breaks down saying how sorry she is, that she doesnt know who she is becoming, that she never wanted to see him again, she was just talking to him to make herself feel less ty. I continue to dig, saying I've called him when I haven't, saying he told me they did things she said they didnt do (oral) she cries saying its true, I asked why she didn't tell me and she said she was ashamed and didn't want it to be real. Said she was scared of losing me. I lose it and call her mom, i don't know why, we have never been close, but I call her and tell her everything. She is the first person to know that either of us have cheated. All 3 of us speak all day on and eventually me and L work it out. I tell her that she is not to talk to him again and she agrees. They won't ever have to see eachother at work as he is over 100 miles away from us and they would just never be in the same area again. Another 2 or 3 weeks go by. By now I'm not my usual self, me and L and still talking as we usually do, but I'm starting to ask about what happened, she tells me nothing else happened. I ask about the course, she says nothing happened. She says he wasn't there that night she went out and didn't call. over those 2 weeks I keep hinting saying it's ok if something happened on the course but she never came clean. The most she admitted too was that he was actually there on that night out, but he went home early. After that I'm like a dog with a scent, i know something has gone on and I keep digging. One night I tell her I've spoken to H and that he said something happened on the course. She believes me again and confesses that kissed and ended up back in his room on the first night, but only had minor sexual contact, not sex. Says she didn't speak to him the rest of the course. We argue all night and don't talk next day. I get home from work the following day and tell her I've told him what she told me (I never spoke to H and never will) and told her he said more happened. I just basically keep calling her bluff, as she never admits to anything. Eventually after a load of nagging on my part, she says just him and her went out that first night, there were never 4 guys. They went back to his room and did stuff but no sex, she spoke to him the next day on the course, went out with him for a meal then went back to her room, when she called me and went to sleep. But he turned up at her room and they had another night together. I then find out that between the course and the night I knew she cheated, they spoke most days. It's important to note, none of this information was readily given. I was always reassuring and gave her plenty of chances to come clean, but in the end it was all dragged out of her through calling her bluff. From the point I saw her come back to the hotel, I finally had all the information by the end of March/beginning of April. All in all it took around 5 or 6 weeks to come out I cant remember. Since then, I've gotten pretty close to my mother in law, and shes been the one reassuring me. I dont see her often it's all over text. But for that last few months me and L have been great, closer than ever. Her mom has been there for both of us, but has recently said its time to put it all behind us now. Which I think we are doing a pretty good job of. My only issue is that I wonder, will she ever do this again? It was so not like her, and it scares me how much she can lie and deceive. I've fully accepted that it was my fault, as I cheated first. But we seem to be in a really good place now, neither of us drink when we're out unless were together, and both of our phones are always available to the other. Although we've both gotten out of the habit of checking up on eachother, as we want to forger this. Basically, I missed all the warning signs the first time round. Would the signs be different if she did it again? Or do some people actually learn from their mistakes? Or does she seem to have just covered her own back and not have the sort of guilt I did? Thank you, and sorry for the long read.
×
×
  • Create New...