Girlfriend left because I couldn't find stable work.

[JustinPonders]

I'm in a sorta same situation where my income and job is embarrassing. I do have an opportunity to start a new venture, which I am, and hopefully if it pans out I'll be doing pretty good, but until then I'm totally freaking out. I'm 43 so I'm definitely in a bad spot. Doesn't mean I can't turn things around but hot dang it do I hate this situation. Of course I take full, 100% responsibility. I know I'm capable. I know women want a man who is stable; making good money, career oriented, ambitious. It really scares me that I didn't end up like that but hopefully, fingers crossed, my new opportunity will get me there. If not, I'm totally screwed, lol. I have a date this Sunday with a very beautiful woman who's a lawyer. I'm sorta freaking out about the whole career thing because I know this subject will come up eventually. I don't know how I'm going to respond other then I'm working on a new venture. But I've been burned in the past before so I sorta hope I don't get burned again if things somehow progress with her. Anyway, I think I'm totally jumping the gun here. But ya man, women want a go-getter. You gotta get your butt out there and hit the pavement hard. It's not all about love and kisses and hugs. Hell no. Women, nowadays, want a guy who is doing well for himself because it makes them feel safe and secure. Otherwise this is what happens. I wish you the best brotha. I know how you feel. It's scary. Just do your best and make the best progress you can make, daily, and things should turn up for you. As far as your ex is concern, I dunno man. I mean there is a part of me that hates her for ditching you the way she did but then another side understands her situation. In any case, just get out there and make it happen and you should be fine bro. You seem to have your head on your shoulders, as do I, so we should not make any excuses. Just DO IT!!!

[ZHPpilot1]

I'm in a sorta same situation where my income and job is embarrassing. I do have an opportunity to start a new venture, which I am, and hopefully, if it pans out I'll be doing pretty good, but until then I'm totally freaking out. I'm 43 so I'm definitely in a bad spot. Doesn't mean I can't turn things around but hot dang it do I hate this situation. Of course, I take full, 100% responsibility. I know I'm capable. I know women want a man who is stable; making good money, career-oriented, ambitious. It really scares me that I didn't end up like that but hopefully, fingers crossed, my new opportunity will get me there. If not, I'm totally screwed, lol. I have a date this Sunday with a very beautiful woman who's a lawyer. I'm sorta freaking out about the whole career thing because I know this subject will come up eventually. I don't know how I'm going to respond other then I'm working on a new venture. But I've been burned in the past before so I sorta hope I don't get burned again if things somehow progress with her. Anyway, I think I'm totally jumping the gun here. But ya man, women want a go-getter. You gotta get your butt out there and hit the pavement hard. It's not all about love and kisses and hugs. Hell no. Women, nowadays, want a guy who is doing well for himself because it makes them feel safe and secure. Otherwise this is what happens. I wish you the best brotha. I know how you feel. It's scary. Just do your best and make the best progress you can make, daily, and things should turn up for you. As far as your ex is concern, I dunno man. I mean there is a part of me that hates her for ditching you the way she did but then another side understands her situation. In any case, just get out there and make it happen and you should be fine bro. You seem to have your head on your shoulders, as do I, so we should not make any excuses. Just DO IT!!!

 

Dude just be up front and lay it out, keep it real. If you make a ton of money later it won't hurt, believe me.

[ZHPpilot1]

She wasn't actually clear and upfront to you. You told her from the beginning, that you are not a "high roller" and she said that all she wanted was a nice guy. During the relationship she showed her true self which you were too in love to notice, it happens. Then she dumps you because you couldn't find a stable job even though you are attending night school in order to increase your income etc. and on top of that she says she had a deadline (which doesn't matter since she kept it to herself) about a proposal.

 

I agree that if your inability to find a stable job was due to your character, I would dump you too. From your writing, it doesn't seem like that was the case. She's sending you job offers and I think that if you land a high paying job she will be begging to come back; are you sure you want her to? You said she cares too much about material things and she's proven it; so her initial statement, which I am assuming happened 2.5 years ago, is false. She doesn't just want a nice guy, she wants a nice and rich guy, leaning mostly to the rich part.

 

I'd send her a thank you note for all of her job postings, but ask her to stop as you need to go NC.

 

Yeah I feel like that sometimes.

[jimthzz]

Move on. Unless she has some inside track source of job offers for you (and why didn't she have those for you before?), do your own research on Indeed, Dice, and Linkedin.

 

As for romance? You two do not seem suited.

[1tym]

She saw you and thought "she could work with this". She hoped that money and career wise would pick up for you....with her being in her situation, it would influence you to do so. Buuuuut that didn't happen, so she lost hope and bailed. She's just one of those who wants either equality or a man that makes more...you know, be a power couple.

 

She gave it a 2.5 year shot, and instead of success, it's all gone backwards. She didn't tell you the deadline because she wanted to see if you had the ambition/drive to do it in a timely manner ON YOUR OWN.

 

IMO she's not good or bad, you two are not compatible in your ideals. Don't do it for her, do it for you and what makes you happy. Stay calm, and carry on.

 

Note: I know she loved you, what woman would wait 2.5 years if she wasn't in love? But everyone knows a relationship/marriage can't survive on love alone.

 

This right here is the truth. Like no B.S. woman emotion involved in this. This is what it is through and through.

 

As for getting back together.

 

It's all about the timing and if she still has feelings for you or not. Weather her new guy is meeting all her needs or not. Though time is ticking on this one, but you still have some decent chance I think but it's an opinion only. 2.5 years with you are still history with you that can't be let go in a matter of months. I would say depending on how her relationship goes you may or may not have 6-8months.

 

Be cautious though because she fell out of love with you sometime in the last 6 months.(yea takes a while) So when you get a job or whatever she may think that it's only because she did something drastic enough like breaking up with you for you to do something with your life. If she has this thinking it's GG and move on.

[ZHPpilot1]

For sure it does.

 

I suspect that she's not doing anything to find these jobs that you couldn't be doing yourself????

 

Good luck with that job prospect.

 

Thank you.

[melancholy123]

To answer your question, I think you got lucky that she left.

[Blank State]

OP, was it because she made more money than you or that she thought you were unmotivated? For instance, would you find a job and lose the job etc? I'm not trying to be a jerk, but just offering insight. Because if it were a case of not trying as hard as you could to find something or maintain something, many times that is where the issue is. The reason I ask is because now you have something in the works with your friend who works for apple, but it coincided with your recent breakup. If the motivation for finding that job was because you've broken up, that's okay, but she would definitely appreciate it more I think if it were because you were motivating yourself for your own good.

 

So I wouldn't tell her you got the job and then tell her that you need to break contact. That will look like a game to her. Just go NC. And then get the job and work there and focus on yourself. And if you two somehow ended up contacting each other down the line, she would see that you got the job for you not her and that is attractive. But I don't know if she's necessarily a bad person. You guys are getting to the age where planning for futures is important. And like I said, only you know the answer to this stuff. If it really is a case of her wanting you to make more money than her, then good riddance. But if it's just a case of her wanting you to have steady employment, I would work on that before trying to work through stuff with her. Because it would likely come up again. And just irritate you even more.

[annie24]

We knew each other for a while before we started dating, both of us are 39 and neither have ever been married or engaged. I saw these as a red flag but I liked her so much I proceeded to go out with her.

 

Just curious - what was the red flag? That she was never married or engaged?

[ZHPpilot1]

OP, was it because she made more money than you or that she thought you were unmotivated? For instance, would you find a job and lose the job etc? I'm not trying to be a jerk, but just offering insight. Because if it were a case of not trying as hard as you could to find something or maintain something, many times that is where the issue is. The reason I ask is because now you have something in the works with your friend who works for apple, but it coincided with your recent breakup. If the motivation for finding that job was because you've broken up, that's okay, but she would definitely appreciate it more I think if it were because you were motivating yourself for your own good.

 

So I wouldn't tell her you got the job and then tell her that you need to break contact. That will look like a game to her. Just go NC. And then get the job and work there and focus on yourself. And if you two somehow ended up contacting each other down the line, she would see that you got the job for you not her and that is attractive. But I don't know if she's necessarily a bad person. You guys are getting to the age where planning for futures is important. And like I said, only you know the answer to this stuff. If it really is a case of her wanting you to make more money than her, then good riddance. But if it's just a case of her wanting you to have steady employment, I would work on that before trying to work through stuff with her. Because it would likely come up again. And just irritate you even more.

 

I was trying out a new field and it just didn't work out, I'm not a quitter so I kept trying it even though I kept failing at it.

[ZHPpilot1]

Just curious - what was the red flag? That she was never married or engaged?

 

Both, she's fun, pretty, successful and dated a few successful guys before me. How come none of them ever popped the question?

 

All her sisters are married and she's the oldest who still isn't. I feel she's waiting and has been waiting for Mr. Perfect but no such guy exist. She's pushing 40 and is still with that same mindset. I mean after a while you gotta change what's not working, right? I come along and yeah I don't have a high paying job but I check all the other boxes and you would think she would be fine settling down.

[ZHPpilot1]

To answer your question, I think you got lucky that she left.

 

I'm starting to realize that everyday now, this probably would of ended up in a divorce. I'm moving forward and trying to learn from this experience so I can become a better partner in my next relationship.

[Lambert]

Both, she's fun, pretty, successful and dated a few successful guys before me. How come none of them ever popped the question?

 

All her sisters are married and she's the oldest who still isn't. I feel she's waiting and has been waiting for Mr. Perfect but no such guy exist. She's pushing 40 and is still with that same mindset. I mean after a while you gotta change what's not working, right? I come along and yeah I don't have a high paying job but I check all the other boxes and you would think she would be fine settling down.

 

i think its like anything else, those relationships just didn't lead to marriage.

 

so many times I've heard others wonder these questions. even me! but i think we tend to generalize reasons and create labels - commitmentphobe, gold digger, too picky... but really each person we met and have a relationships with brings a whole new set of variables with them.

 

i know i could say maybe why a relationship of mine ended but they aren't t all the same. i tend to date emotional wrecks. lol but not exclusively! haha

 

once during a break up, my dad said something I never forgot... the situation doesn't matter... because i feel it is one of the things that can apply to all ended relationships... you ready for this little nugget of wisdom?

 

"you went as far as you could with him/her."

 

and sometimes that's just it.... you guys went as far as you could....

[annie24]

Both, she's fun, pretty, successful and dated a few successful guys before me. How come none of them ever popped the question?

 

All her sisters are married and she's the oldest who still isn't. I feel she's waiting and has been waiting for Mr. Perfect but no such guy exist. She's pushing 40 and is still with that same mindset. I mean after a while you gotta change what's not working, right? I come along and yeah I don't have a high paying job but I check all the other boxes and you would think she would be fine settling down.

 

but you were the same age and also never married and never engaged? Do you think that was a red flag for you as well?

 

speaking as a late 30s single woman myself, I’m not sure why being single is seen as more of a red flag than having a failed marriage??

[annie24]

I obviously don't know your ex and I don't know what was going on in her head when she broke up with you. When I was with a guy who was unemployed for most of the time we were together, I wasn't so much annoyed that he didn't have a job as much as that he wasn't really trying. I would also send him job ads and he'd come up with reasons why this or that wouldn't work for him. Which is fine, I get it, but he was being really lazy in his job search, maybe spending a few hours a week looking for a job, the rest of the time smoking pot and watching TV. We did have fun together, but I was seriously concerned about his drive/hustle. I know one woman who worked in retail after she graduated from law school just to keep the money rolling in until she found something in her field. My ex was just content with the unemployment check and didn't actually start looking for a job until it ran out. I was worried if we got married and had kids, that he wasn't the kind of man who would really look out for his family. If I lost my job and couldn't work, would he work 2 jobs for us or do whatever he could to keep us afloat? I didn't think so. But everyday, I meet lyft and uber drivers who are doing just that - having 1 job and then driving on the side to make extra money for their family. It's that hustle.

 

Anyway, I also found it interesting that you spoke of her as a "career" woman. Does that mean you do not consider yourself to be a "career man?" Not many women are getting married at 18 and being stay-at-home moms. Financially, that's not an option for most people.

[Batya33]

"Anyway, I also found it interesting that you spoke of her as a "career" woman. Does that mean you do not consider yourself to be a "career man?" Not many women are getting married at 18 and being stay-at-home moms. Financially, that's not an option for most people."

 

I asked that too -no response.

[Mike5]

ZHP, you have my sympathies.

 

I was dumped 2 months ago by my ex-partner/fiancee of eight years. One of her reasons was the financial imbalance. She started her own business in Year 1 that went from strength to strength. I stayed where I was. The growing disparity became more of an issue for her.

 

But then the final straw was that she insisted on moving around constantly, as she works online. This meant that I could only ever get temping/hourly work. It cheeses me off because she insisted on the damned moving, and then blamed me for not earning more.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Agree with your family that you dodged a bullet. Her drill sergeant approach to fixing and remodeling you would only have gotten worse. This is a great reason to block this controlling materialistic woman:

She still texts me every day sending me job postings and checking to see how I'm doing.

[ZHPpilot1]

but you were the same age and also never married and never engaged? Do you think that was a red flag for you as well?

 

speaking as a late 30s single woman myself, I’m not sure why being single is seen as more of a red flag than having a failed marriage??

 

Well yes and no, I spent most my time dating younger women who weren't ready for anything serious. I finally dated someone my age and it really opened my eyes. We had more things in common and got along better than anyone else. To be honest, I didn't want to get married until I met my ex, she seemed serious, secured and got all her partying days out of her already. Her brother had told that she had some issues and that's why guys never popped the question. He didn't elaborate on the exact issues but as the relationship progressed I got to see bits and pieces here and there. I just thought most women would want to be married by 35.

[ZHPpilot1]

"Anyway, I also found it interesting that you spoke of her as a "career" woman. Does that mean you do not consider yourself to be a "career man?" Not many women are getting married at 18 and being stay-at-home moms. Financially, that's not an option for most people."

 

I asked that too -no response.

 

What I mean by "career woman" in reference to my ex is that she thinks about work a lot which I understand, but she is always looking for another high paying opportunity. She got a new job like 2 years ago which pays her very well and she still keeps looking for a job that pays more, this is a never-ending cycle. I like her drive but I think that's all she really cares about in life. I was a career man in corporate America and after a couple of layoffs, I decided to try out a passion job and go back to school at night to make myself better. Money was never really an issue except that she loves to travel in which we did but I always had a gut feeling that she wanted me to pay for all of it every time.

[ZHPpilot1]

I obviously don't know your ex and I don't know what was going on in her head when she broke up with you. When I was with a guy who was unemployed for most of the time we were together, I wasn't so much annoyed that he didn't have a job as much as that he wasn't really trying. I would also send him job ads and he'd come up with reasons why this or that wouldn't work for him. Which is fine, I get it, but he was being really lazy in his job search, maybe spending a few hours a week looking for a job, the rest of the time smoking pot and watching TV. We did have fun together, but I was seriously concerned about his drive/hustle. I know one woman who worked in retail after she graduated from law school just to keep the money rolling in until she found something in her field. My ex was just content with the unemployment check and didn't actually start looking for a job until it ran out. I was worried if we got married and had kids, that he wasn't the kind of man who would really look out for his family.

 

Very good question, yes this came up in the relationship she claimed that I wasn't putting in enough effort and to be honest I probably could have done more but I wasn't at home smoking pot and watching TV. I was squeezing in interviews left and right while working my passion job and going to school at night. I still remember changing my clothes in my car after an interview so my former employer wouldn't notice what I was up to. I know she wasn't going to put up with this for long so I was stepping it up but sometimes things take time. As I mentioned before I had my money and didn't mooch off her ever, it's not like bills were backing up.

[ZHPpilot1]

 

But then the final straw was that she insisted on moving around constantly, as she works online. This meant that I could only ever get temping/hourly work. It cheeses me off because she insisted on the damned moving, and then blamed me for not earning more.

 

I can feel that, selfish woman no doubt. No chance she couldn't hired you onto her business?

[Mike5]

I did the odd bit for her.

 

She was high maintenance, emotionally and materially. I wonder if her dumping was an attempt to jolt me into more effort.

 

I'll guess I might know after a few months of NC. I suspect she may just hook up with someone on her own payscale. It's killing me, though.

[ZHPpilot1]

Update:

 

Her and my mother were very close but my mother wasn't happy with the way she ended it(via text). Anyways they texted back and forth and my mother said that she is dating a guy that went to college with her about 20 years ago. To make a long story short this guy liked her in college and she never gave him the time of day until now. She told her that he's working on his Ph.D. and that "she has a good feeling about this one", and guess what else? He's not working either he just goes to school too. I couldn't believe it when I heard that but of course this guy is a pushover in which I know she will have her way with him. I guess that's what she wanted, in the end, a guy who has good earning potential in which she can manipulate into whatever she wants. She also mentioned that he already has a trip planned for them in which I assume he's footing the bill because she said, "you son never planned anything". Which is not true. She also commented that she wants a house and a family(we spoke about that) but that "your son"(me) was on the same page but had no plan(I assume $$).

[Mike5]

Urgh, sorry, man. Weird, so she's now going for a Ph.D candidate in his late 30s with no job. You never know she may come back if she tires of that guy.

 

My ex set up her business in our first year going out. What annoys me is that she always said she could have never done it without my support and being there 24/7 to help her all the way. Then to get turfed when I did cheeses me off no end.