After he cheated

[Lsmafom99]

My boyfriend has cheated and I decided to stay with him after. I would like the password to all of his social media because this is where he mainly cheats. Is it unfair of me to want his phone and social media passwords to make me feel more secure during the process of moving forward? Knowing him he will not agree and will refuse to give me access. If so what should I do?

[j.man]

Yes, it's unfair. If you don't think you can trust him without policing him (as the vast majority of us wouldn't be able to), then you dump him. Not a single person would blame you. But choosing to stay with him doesn't mean he has to forfeit his autonomy.

[Seraphim]

If you have to resort to that it is time to leave.

[Andrina]

Those are his poor ethics, and you use the word "cheats" versus "cheated," so obviously he's done it more than once. An epiphany hasn't happened so don't expect him to change. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

[DaisyMayPorter]

Once you can’t trust him, then what’s left?

[bluecastle]

My feeling, as someone who does not believe infidelity has to be a dealbreaker, is that in the initial healing stages it would be okay to ask for this. Like, say, for a month or two. But it has to be a kind of mutual trust-building exercise, more a gesture than a way for you to keep tabs on him. Because if you're just obsessively checking that stuff, well, what's the point of being in that kind of relationship?

 

And, really, it's just got to be a gut thing. You either want to build the trust back or not. If somewhere in your gut you know you can't trust him, but are scared of being alone and/or don't want to "lose" some battle, just let the whole thing go. You'll be better off in the long run.

[Lsmafom99]

Here’s the thing....I’m sincerely confused. I could list a million things I love about him and how great of a team we make but he is always lying and doesn’t know how to communicate at all. I try to talk to him but it’s like none of my questions are answered. He walks away in the middle of me talking, he leaves without telling me and when he comes back I try to talk again but things always get heated because he gets mad at me for trying to talk and I try to calm him down but everything I say makes it worse. This makes me so anger and after hours and hours of trying to talk things about with no response ( he literally sits there quite) I get anger and ask him to speak but then he gets mad again because I’m upset! This pisses me off on levels I cannot explain. If he is doing the wrong doing shouldn’t he be the one to come to me? If I don’t address something then it’s never being talked about. I always have to be the one to “make it right” even when I didn’t do anything wrong.

[singingstick]

I think maybe you should break up with him. This is going to eat away at you.

[SherrySher]

If you have to resort to that it is time to leave.

 

THIS

 

Lying is huge, as is cheating. It does not matter about his other good qualities, you will only be sitting around waiting to be burned. Your only option is to leave.

[shessofly]

Here’s the thing....I’m sincerely confused. I could list a million things I love about him and how great of a team we make but he is always lying and doesn’t know how to communicate at all. I try to talk to him but it’s like none of my questions are answered. He walks away in the middle of me talking, he leaves without telling me and when he comes back I try to talk again but things always get heated because he gets mad at me for trying to talk and I try to calm him down but everything I say makes it worse.

 

Doesn't sound like you have anything to work with in terms of rebuilding trust. I wouldn't hold high expectations of this working out positively for you. :/

[HeartGoesOn]

Very few people are able to get past infidelity, especially when you're looking at the long term. In addition to that, placing someone on a leash has no room in a healthy/secure relationship.

 

I'd see it as it is what it is, and start working on moving forward.

[Hollyj]

If you don't trust him it won't work. I do not understand why you would even take a cheater back?

 

Value yourself more.

[MissCanuck]

This is never going to work out, OP.

 

He doesn't listen and cheats because he doesn't love you. He doesn't even care about you. And he is going to continue cheating precisely for that reason. You might be in love with him, but sadly it isn't mutual.

 

You need to get rid of him for good before your self-esteem is further destroyed. The fact that you want to hang on to this suggests it's already badly damaged.

[Cope]

Although I do think that cheating shouldn't be a deal break necessarily, it depends. I could work on accepting cheating (again) only if we're talking about a very long relationship. I understand that accidents can happen and people sometimes make stupid mistakes. But, if it's early on in the relationship, from 6 months to even 5years (can't really put a timeline on it, but you get the picture),then no. I won't do it again.

 

Here's my story, maybe you want to read it. I was with a guy whcih I can't explain how many things in common we had and how well we were in the beginning. 6 months in, he cheated. He immediately came clean, crying and begging for me to forgive him. He was very convincing so I took him back. He was the one that suggested for me to have all his passwords etc, I said no, because like j.man said, just because he cheated doesn't mean he has to lose his autonomy. I even told him the same thing at the time. We were so good together that I wanted to see where this goes, so I scratched it off as something he did because he was afraid of commitment. He was, that relationship meant to him as much as it meant to me. So his openness helped me get over it extraordinary fast. Maybe a month? My mentality was, I can't stop him from cheating again, so why ruin the time we have together, which was fantastic, by constantly checking on him? Generally in life, once you put on restraint on someone, only more will follow. What will that bring? Misery. Misery to both and eventually a break up.

 

So far, the story seems like a good one. Well, although we eventually didn't break up because of the cheating, I am quite sure he did it again. More than once. He just didn't want to tell me because he went through so much pain the first time and humiliation. I caught him chatting to another girl and when I asked, he answered with silence. Of course being who I am, I never followed up. Anyways, our other problems at that point were far worse, so I shrugged it off as I was already planning to break up with him.

 

Conclusion? I don't believe that someone who cheats so early on in the relationship actually values it or is capable of not doing it again. Once I gave him that pass, I think he just used it over and over again. I'm not saying that this is what's happening in your case, but just be careful.If you can't trust him enough to not used his passwords, it's over. Also, if hes cheated more than once, well, really? get out. Unless you can be open to polyamory or an open relationship, but I don't think you are.

[Wiseman2]

He can cheat in person any time, any day he wants. He can give you passcodes, but will hide things better. Now that you have given him the green light to cheat again by deciding to stay, there will be a next time.

My boyfriend has cheated and I decided to stay with him after. I would like the password to all of his social media because this is where he mainly cheats.

[smackie9]

He stepped out on your relationship because it wasn't enough for him or wasn't satisfied, or was unhappy. Now that you are going to be purposely monitoring him, quizzing him, you will toxify this relationship even more, which will push him to seek out other female attention to escape you and the pressure you will be putting on him. You both are going to drive each other cray cray. Your relationship is broken and your solution is not going to fix it. He's a bad BF to you, so I don't get why you even bother. Love isn't enough reason to.

[reinventmyself]

So. .if by having his passwords do you think that would prevent him from cheating?

 

Think about it for a minute. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who has the desire to be faithful to you and the integrity to act on it. . . and isn't merely faithful because he knows he might otherwise get caught?

 

If my partner merely wanted to be with someone else (and hadn't) that would be reason enough for me to end it. It's someones personal code of conduct that you should paying attention to.

The fact that he has the capacity to cheat is what's important here.

 

Besides, what will holding his personal info do for you exactly? If he wants to cheat, he will find a way.

Having that information doesn't guarantee anything. After all you can't read his mind.

His actions tell you everything you need to know.

 

 

I would like the password to all of his social media because this is where he mainly cheats. cheats? as in plural, more that once?

[thealchemist]

Nothing is going to stop someone from cheating who wants to cheat.

 

So I find all that stuff to be pointless. He would just create new accounts or do it differently or a million other ways to get around your measures.

 

I cannot understand why someone stays with a person if they cheat and it is a big deal to them.

 

If it isn't a big deal then get over it because it is going to keep happening.

 

If it is a big deal then leave them. Staying, to me, only shows them that it is ok to do and won't cause the end of the relationship.

 

If it is unacceptable behavior don't accept it. Staying with someone after they cheated in you is accepting it.

[SoulTaker]

Here’s the thing....I’m sincerely confused. I could list a million things I love about him and how great of a team we make but he is always lying and doesn’t know how to communicate at all. I try to talk to him but it’s like none of my questions are answered. He walks away in the middle of me talking, he leaves without telling me.....

 

Do you realize how misguided this update is? It makes no sense. There's no such thing as a "great of a team" if the partner is a liar, doesn't listen to you, disrespects you,... Ditch the guy and concentrate on improving yourself. A normal person wouldn't put up with this type of behavior.

[cddupes]

Cheating is ok but being inexperienced is not. That’s the message I’m getting.

[ThatwasThen]

Cheating is ok but being inexperienced is not. That’s the message I’m getting.

 

How so? Nothing about cheating was even mentioned in the other thread that you're inferring about never mind condoned????

[ThatwasThen]

Here’s the thing....I’m sincerely confused. I could list a million things I love about him and how great of a team we make but he is always lying and doesn’t know how to communicate at all. I try to talk to him but it’s like none of my questions are answered. He walks away in the middle of me talking, he leaves without telling me and when he comes back I try to talk again but things always get heated because he gets mad at me for trying to talk and I try to calm him down but everything I say makes it worse. This makes me so anger and after hours and hours of trying to talk things about with no response ( he literally sits there quite) I get anger and ask him to speak but then he gets mad again because I’m upset! This pisses me off on levels I cannot explain. If he is doing the wrong doing shouldn’t he be the one to come to me? If I don’t address something then it’s never being talked about. I always have to be the one to “make it right” even when I didn’t do anything wrong.

He doesn't want to hear you. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but for some unknown reason, it gives him angst to talk about it which hints (to me at least) that he has unresolved childhood issues that have caused him to do this cheating. It's some kind of an addiction or a means to feel selfworth. You telling him that it's wrong and hurtful, screws with any self-worth he gains from the attention of other women.

 

For you to stay with him without him getting therapy for whatever is missing in him, is you just enabling him to carry on with his addiction. Get yourself out of the relationship and give him an opportunity to hit his rock bottom and look for the help he needs. At the very least, you both should go to couples counselling to get him communicating to you so disagreements can be resolved instead of just being swept under the rug. If he won't go, then leave him.

 

Looking at his online goings on is akin to an alcoholic's spouse pouring their drink down the sink. Without the help they need from professionals and support groups, they will just buy more but hide it better.