My Wife and Her New Boss

[DancingFool]

No, they don't want to get caught. There is no twisted cry for help here. They don't actually think through or even consider the consequences at all. Cheaters are driven by impulse, sense of entitlement, deep seated arrogance and disdain for the people around them. In some ways, their mentality is overly simplistic and underdeveloped, childlike. They see something shiny and they simply grab it because they want to. Of course there are exceptions, but I'm talking about majority here. They lack empathy that normal people have and which drives normal people to consider things like consequences, affect on others, etc.

 

If cheaters actually stopped to think about consequences, there would be very little cheating happening in this world. They simply don't consider anything other than getting what they want right now.

 

As for the blatant, in your face stuff - it's actually a thrill for them to dupe their SO. A power trip. Goes back to arrogance and disdain. Their SO is nothing but a convenient fool. It's not pretty what goes on in the mind of a cheater but not complicated either.

[Usa1ah]

No, they don't want to get caught. There is no twisted cry for help here. They don't actually think through or even consider the consequences at all. Cheaters are driven by impulse, sense of entitlement, deep seated arrogance and disdain for the people around them. In some ways, their mentality is overly simplistic and underdeveloped, childlike. They see something shiny and they simply grab it because they want to. Of course there are exceptions, but I'm talking about majority here. They lack empathy that normal people have and which drives normal people to consider things like consequences, affect on others, etc.

 

If cheaters actually stopped to think about consequences, there would be very little cheating happening in this world. They simply don't consider anything other than getting what they want right now.

 

As for the blatant, in your face stuff - it's actually a thrill for them to dupe their SO. A power trip. Goes back to arrogance and disdain. Their SO is nothing but a convenient fool. It's not pretty what goes on in the mind of a cheater but not complicated either.

 

 

This is so true!!!!

[sonar40]

Hope you are doing ok this weekend. I know how much of a headwreck this is for you. Im in same boat, head completely fried. We are both making excuses for our partners bad behaviour. My relationship, Your relationship is best ended before it eventually ends one of us. I stayed way to long in mine, and its destroyed me. Please dont make the same mistake i made, get away from her otherwise you will end up more damaged just like me - i dont want to see you or anyone go through more of this because i am telking you, you will if u stay.

[LotusBlack]

Hi Knightman. Update? Are you doing okay?

[KnightMan]

Hi Knightman. Update? Are you doing okay?

 

Hi LotusBlack,

I'm doing okay, just trying to keep myself busy.

Papers have been filed, she should be served sometime this week at her parents home.

Haven't told her or her family yet, been NC with her but talked to her dad, she's taking meds and resting.

Should have my STD test results hopefully next week. I think the POS will be back at the end of the week.

 

I'm planning on going fishing this weekend to get away from this all.

These last few days have really been emotionally draining for me.

 

Thanks for asking

[Lester]

Use the getaway to soberly reflect on the entire romance/marriage.

Think about the role, no matter how small, you played in the demise of the union.

 

If you choose not to, the trip will just end up being a continuation of the adjectives, labeling, name-calling and judgements.

Unless you somehow, (un)knowingly married a sociopath/narcissist; you played a part in the failure.

 

I'm not trying to save union, instead, you from being caught in a lifelong circle of hate, mistrust, accusations and broken relationships.

Only by understanding, acknowledging and forgiving will you free yourself from the pain. (i.e. You'll be happy for her, and feel good.)

[LotusBlack]

Use the getaway to soberly reflect on the entire romance/marriage.

Think about the role, no matter how small, you played in the demise of the union.

 

If you choose not to, the trip will just end up being a continuation of the adjectives, labeling, name-calling and judgements.

Unless you somehow, (un)knowingly married a sociopath/narcissist; you played a part in the failure.

 

I'm not trying to save union, instead, you from being caught in a lifelong circle of hate, mistrust, accusations and broken relationships.

Only by understanding, acknowledging and forgiving will you free yourself from the pain. (i.e. You'll be happy for her, and feel good.)

 

Respectfully, I disagree with using the trip for this purpose. KnightMan will inevitably end up thinking about the situation, but he's no doubt been doing that non-stop. I think he genuinely needs to try and give his mind a break and emotionally/mentally relax as much as he can. It's important to regain equilibrium after such an emotional time.

 

If I were you, KnightMan, I'd use the time to re-familiarise myself with me and who I am as an individual. That means reminding yourself of the things you like doing, like contemplating over, listening to, etc. For example, take a moment to appreciate the feel of cool air on your face, and the feel of the earth beneath your feet. Listen, really listen to the sounds around you and appreciate the moment for itself. You mentioned you are a very analytical person, so if you must dwell in introspection, then gear it towards light, positive things. All your thoughts of your current situation will still be there when you get home, so just take this time you get back into your body and know yourself as you. It sounds all a bit airy fairy, I'm sure, but a few hours just....being, can make all the difference.

[journeynow]

Respectfully, I disagree with using the trip for this purpose. KnightMan will inevitably end up thinking about the situation, but he's no doubt been doing that non-stop. I think he genuinely needs to try and give his mind a break and emotionally/mentally relax as much as he can. It's important to regain equilibrium after such an emotional time.

 

I agree with LotusBlack. It's only been two weeks since the start of this thread, and surely a very intense two weeks.

 

In order to gain the perspective that Lester suggests, I think the OP could use some time and healing, and taking some breaks to refill his well. Taking care of himself in different ways is a helpful way to get through this. Right now he is in the thick of it. Once the dust has settled a bit, he'll have a clearer view and perspective for looking back and learning. Right now, when emotions are running high, reviewing the relationship can get one into a confusing loop. Understanding might not come right away. And taking time off from thinking about it may bring unexpected understanding.

[DancingFool]

Just a third yes. When having to live through this kind of a nightmare, it's critical to remember to be kind to yourself, to step away from time to time and give yourself a break, mentally and emotionally. Use the fishing trip to tune out, change gears and allow yourself to refresh. Helps to deal with things and make good decisions once you are back again. Have to do that from time to time to stay sane yourself and to feed your inner strength. It's been taking a beating and then some.

[SweetGirl28]

Fourth yes vote from me :)

[Lester]

Actually, when I think about it, catching a big fat fish is incredibly uplifting.

I will cast the fifth vote yes!

 

 

But Knight, don't put off this critically needed reflection too long.

[Usa1ah]

Use the getaway to soberly reflect on the entire romance/marriage.

Think about the role, no matter how small, you played in the demise of the union.

 

If you choose not to, the trip will just end up being a continuation of the adjectives, labeling, name-calling and judgements.

Unless you somehow, (un)knowingly married a sociopath/narcissist; you played a part in the failure.

 

I'm not trying to save union, instead, you from being caught in a lifelong circle of hate, mistrust, accusations and broken relationships.

Only by understanding, acknowledging and forgiving will you free yourself from the pain. (i.e. You'll be happy for her, and feel good.)

 

I will agree to disagree. This is BS, his wife cheated because she is a self entitled, selfish person. Who doesn’t give a damn about KnightMan. The dinner explains everything when she started feeding the OM her fish. She was trying to either cockold KM or play the Hotwife. She was hoping it would turn him on. She has been reading too many magazine stories about it.

[Usa1ah]

No one is perfect in a relationship, we all fall short at times. It is never an excuse to be cheated on.

[boltnrun]

How the heck is he supposed to be "happy for" and "feel good" about being lied to and cheated on?

 

And he's supposed to "reflect on his 'failure'"???

 

Nope. Big time nope.

 

The cheating is on her. Not on him.

[LotusBlack]

Actually, when I think about it, catching a big fat fish is incredibly uplifting.

I will cast the fifth vote yes!

 

 

But Knight, don't put off this critically needed reflection too long.

 

To be honest, from what I've read from KnightMan, he has been respectful towards his wife in terms of acknowledging that she's also human. He is understandably angry and upset at her choices and behaviour, which has led him to filing for divorce, but he's also taken on an attitude of compassion towards her despite this. Having compassion doesn't mean he condones or accepts her choices and wants to reconcile, it just means that he isn't treating her the way she treated him. KM is treating her the way he would have liked to be treated. He has maintained integrity throughout this process and proceeded in a way the shows a great deal of maturity in the face of emotional pain and turmoil. He has also acknowledged in his posts that there are two people in a marriage, and whilst her choices cannot be justified in any way, he understands that there existed faults in both sides of the relationship. He has been accountable for whatever part he played in the unhappiness they both contributed to - knowingly or otherwise.

 

I don't necessarily feel that your guidance is applicable to him insofar as he hasn't denigrated to name calling or disrespect for which he needs to gain some perspective via self-reflection. I cannot applaud him enough for how he has dealt with this whole situation since that night he put his foot down. Just two weeks and he has behaved in a way not many would have managed.

[KnightMan]

My head and emotions have been so screwed up lately I completely forgot what today was until I received this text from my SBTX...

 

Mrs. KnightMan: Love You Always & Forever! Please Forgive Me! Kisses! Happy Valentines Day!

 

I don't know what to make of it, I haven't replied.

I also forgot the dinner reservations I made over a month ago for us tonight, I called and canceled.

I proposed to her on Valentines Day at that restaurant, we celebrate every year at the same place.

 

I completely forgot what today was, I've never done that before.

 

Looked through some old wedding photos and happier times, just broke down and cried.

 

Trying to figure out where it all went wrong, thought I was doing okay until I realized what today was.

 

This hurts like hell, I can literally feel my heart breaking, wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 

Please let this day hurry up and end

 

Hope you all have a better one, thanks for listening

[boltnrun]

It's just fantastic how she thinks a text will erase all those months of betrayal. I hope you didn't respond.

 

I have to wonder if Mr. Boss Man also got a kissy text.

 

Please put away the photos for now. It's not a good time to torture yourself.

 

You're a good man...when you're ready a good woman will appreciate you.

[thealchemist]

It is very hard.

 

There is no single point that you will be able to find that she started deluding herself and ditched your marriage. I think a point of inflection like that is quite rare.

 

She is just selfish and it was probably a slow spiral that eventually culminated into her dismissing you totally and diving selfishly into herself.

 

She sounds like a spoiled brat. I would imagine she frequently took what she wanted growing up and if she ever got in trouble she would just work hard to fix it.

Then when it settled she would go right back to being a selfish brat.

 

You might be one of the first people who doesn't accept her "trying to fix it" and doesn't allow her to weasel back into good graces.

 

I think you are going to see a new side to her when she realizes this spoiled mentality doesn't work this time.

[abitbroken]

I will agree to disagree. This is BS, his wife cheated because she is a self entitled, selfish person. Who doesn’t give a damn about KnightMan. The dinner explains everything when she started feeding the OM her fish. She was trying to either cockold KM or play the Hotwife. She was hoping it would turn him on. She has been reading too many magazine stories about it.

 

The Hot wife does these things for her husband, not another man. And its one thing to go somewhere with your wife and notice men that you both don't know checking her out (but not approaching) and thinking "i am a lucky man" and her behavior indicates that she is only into you and getting a boost from it vs the wife actively flirting with someone and crossing boundaries. Nope. Nope. Its not her reading mags about being the "hot wife". If it were, let's say, she would not be acting this out with the boss.

[abitbroken]

I will agree to disagree. This is BS, his wife cheated because she is a self entitled, selfish person. Who doesn’t give a damn about KnightMan. The dinner explains everything when she started feeding the OM her fish. She was trying to either cockold KM or play the Hotwife. She was hoping it would turn him on. She has been reading too many magazine stories about it.

 

I think she was just getting sloppy. I think that when she "caught herself" and realized how it looked, she made up some BS about trying to make Knightman jealous. I am betting that she was getting sloppy with hiding the affair and said that to explain away her behavior

[thealchemist]

I think she was just getting sloppy. I think that when she "caught herself" and realized how it looked, she made up some BS about trying to make Knightman jealous. I am betting that she was getting sloppy with hiding the affair and said that to explain away her behavior

This is how I see it.

 

Her hot wife explanation was grasping at straws to explain her behavior in away that she justifies.

 

She was just so deluded she was oblivious to how terrible of a human she was being.

 

And frankly didn't care what her husband thought.

 

"I was crying out for attention" is bullsh*t

[Usa1ah]

My head and emotions have been so screwed up lately I completely forgot what today was until I received this text from my SBTX...

 

Mrs. KnightMan: Love You Always & Forever! Please Forgive Me! Kisses! Happy Valentines Day!

 

I don't know what to make of it, I haven't replied.

I also forgot the dinner reservations I made over a month ago for us tonight, I called and canceled.

I proposed to her on Valentines Day at that restaurant, we celebrate every year at the same place.

 

I completely forgot what today was, I've never done that before.

 

Looked through some old wedding photos and happier times, just broke down and cried.

 

Trying to figure out where it all went wrong, thought I was doing okay until I realized what today was.

 

This hurts like hell, I can literally feel my heart breaking, wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 

Please let this day hurry up and end

 

Hope you all have a better one, thanks for listening

 

What you are feeling is normal. It’s like the death of a loved one but she is still there.

[DancingFool]

What you are feeling is normal. It’s like the death of a loved one but she is still there.

 

In a way, it's worse than that. Everything you've known, everything you've believed about your relationship, about that person is shattered. It's disorienting and bewildering and yes, sadly normal to question everything and anything. To ask why......and there is no good answer.....

[KnightMan]

Made it back home from my fishing trip. I caught a bunch of Catfish!

OM is back from the company conference

STBX has been served (she's not happy to say the least)

Meeting with her tomorrow at Starbucks.

 

I'm okay, taking one step at a time, thanks again for all the replies and support

Will post an update later...time to fry some fish.

[DancingFool]

Yummy and welcome back.

 

Of course she isn't happy. She figured that you'll be mad for a bit, get over it and take her back. She absolutely didn't expect to get served with divorce docs, aka face real consequences. Be ready for drama.

 

Meanwhile enjoy the fresh fish. Such a treat. :)