KnightMan Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 Thanks for checking up on me, nothing really new to report... Finally got my name off her car insurance. She moved all of her stuff out, got her own place now, I told her to take the bed with her, she did and she left me her key so the locks have been changed. She's back with the OM, not even hiding it anymore, posting pics all over her facebook laughing and posing with him at parties like they're a couple. She even posted a pic of him smiling, flipping the bird and pointing at the new rolex on his wrist (how clever), pretty sure it's the same one I gave back to her. Told my buddy not to bother anymore, I'm over it, I'm done, they deserve each other. Got a strange text message from the OM last weekend then he followed up with a quick apology text says he was drunk and got the wrong number, didn't respond, just blocked him. I'm doing okay for the most part, eating, sleeping, working out, going out with a few friends, business starting to pick up again so I'm staying pretty busy. Not sure if I will ever be able to trust someone with my heart again, but my buddy says to give it time. She still hasn't responded to the divorce papers but she hasn't been trying to contact me very much either. I did get a late night text from her the other night with a crying emoji and the words "I'm sorry", I deleted it, didn't reply, went back to sleep. Thanks again for listening. Link to comment
sky09 Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Very typical cheater behavior. It's like they all went to the same school...Right now is the time to make her sign the papers, while she's still riding that high somewhat. Be super nice and play into her script if necessary. Your #1 goal is to be done with this creature as quick and as painless as possible. Looks like your condo/house is the only asset that she can lay claim to, so sweeten that deal up if that's what is needed. Stay strong, I know it's not easy. Link to comment
ControlDenied Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 You have been right every step of the way since you started this thread. KM you are a real man of value. She lost a good one. She is definitely a looser. Link to comment
Usa1ah Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Hey Knightman, keep us updated when you can. Sounds like you have a great bunch of friends. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 She even posted a pic of him smiling, flipping the bird and pointing at the new rolex on his wrist (how clever), pretty sure it's the same one I gave back to her. Uggh. Well, everyone knows that's two sore losers trying to take a jab at you because they can't bear look at themselves. They have each, in their own way, reduced themselves to garbage. Nobody grows up wanting to be a cheater. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 She's back with the OM, not even hiding it anymore, posting pics all over her facebook laughing and posing with him at parties like they're a couple. She even posted a pic of him smiling, flipping the bird and pointing at the new rolex on his wrist (how clever), pretty sure it's the same one I gave back to her. Told my buddy not to bother anymore, I'm over it, I'm done, they deserve each other. Got a strange text message from the OM last weekend then he followed up with a quick apology text says he was drunk and got the wrong number, didn't respond, just blocked him. Wow....it's so trashy of her it's actually funny. Very sensible of you to block the OM. No need to be dealing with him at all. They are both messed up. Besides, you know what they say. When the mistress becomes a girlfriend, she leaves a job opening. All I will say is that no matter how happy they look in pics, no matter how much they display to the world, it's all a shallow facade hiding their deficiencies and inadequacies. Always keep in mind that behind closed doors, there is no happy between disordered, dysfunctional people. The only thing they are really capable of is drama and perpetual self inflicted misery. Despite all the pretend, there are no pink clouds and fluffy bunnies between them because on a fundamental level, they don't actually know how to be satisfied and happy with anything they have. People like that are always chasing after the next shiny object trying to fill a void they don't know how to fill in a healthy way. As for you, you are one heck of a great man and yes, you will heal, you will be happy again and you will make some woman incredibly lucky once you are ready for that. Yes, you will be able to trust again and be happy again and love again. To do anything less would be to let your stbx have way too much destructive power over your life and your future and something tells me that you won't stand for that. Just keep being kind to yourself. You have terrific friends. Give yourself time to heal and you'll be alright. She hurt you, yes, but she didn't destroy you. Remember that. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 Headed out the door so I have to make this quick... @sky09 Yeah, the condo is the only thing I want from her, if I can avoid taking a big financial loss I will, but if not we have to sell it. I'm right there with you, just waiting for her response to the papers so we can get this over with @ControlDenied Thanks, you really have been a great help! @Usa1ah You're right, I have a great group of friends, a couple of them have been through this before and are now divorced and remarried. I didn't tell anyone at first because I was too embarrassed but they all know now and have been incredibly supportive. I'm also very lucky to have a PI for a buddy. I had to apologize to him the other night because I remember when he tried several times to warn me that this might happen. I told him back then that he was nuts, she would never cheat on me, when it came out she did he never said I told you so, he just jumped right in and made himself available to me and he's been by my side all the way, he's doing all this in his spare time and said he wouldn't dream of charging me a dime, I'm very fortunate to have him around. I will do my best to keep you guys updated, this place has been great therapy for me. @Jibralta You hit the nail on the head, I'm done playing games with these two, it seems from day one they have been trying to rub the affair in my face and continue to this day, how sick is that? I think you have to be especially cruel and broken to do what they're doing, they're both narcissist so they are perfect for each other, but I don't expect what they have going to last long. @DancingFool Always good to see your replies, you always seem to be able to write exactly what I need to read, you give me lots of hope. You're right they look happy in the pics but I know it's all a sham, healthy people don't behave this way. Not even thinking about dating right now, it'll take me awhile to be able to trust someone again, still in shock that someone who claimed to love me could be capbale of doing something like this, it's amazing how you can live with someone for so long and think you know them and then almost overnight you realize that you never really knew them at all, that's a helluva pill to swallow. Thanks again for all your help! Your advice has been amazing! Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 You need to block them both on social media & ask friends/aquintances to not discuss her activities with you. Constantly being reminded of them isnt good for your healing. Take care !! Link to comment
fwdthinker Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 The FB act is so low. Pathetic and shallow. Blecchh. Definitely narcs--both of them. Stay the course. You're doing so well. Link to comment
sashak1980 Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 I have another question How in the hell can you tell somebody you're not in love with them and you need space Then the next day tell them you love them and you're willing to quit your job and do anything to save your marriage? who does that? her personality changes are freaking me out Is that normal? This whole thing is just devastating. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like she’s panicking and her emotions are up and down the same way yours are. She probably got caught up in the fun/new/strange and in that moment thought “I don’t need you” but then a little time to soak up all the change and loss that comes through divorce may have her realizing there’s value in staying. And she might keep bouncing between those two the same way you are. She’s the offender here, no doubt about that, but it doesn’t mean she’s heartless or devoid of emotion...even though it would probably be easier to chalk it up to her being a sociopath she’s likely as sad, scared and broken as you. Be well. Stay strong. Link to comment
LotusBlack Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 Hi KM, I hope all is going as well as can be expected for you at this stage. Any luck on your STBX signing the divorce papers yet? Link to comment
KnightMan Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 Hi KM, I hope all is going as well as can be expected for you at this stage. Any luck on your STBX signing the divorce papers yet? Yes, she finally responded to the divorce papers...she's also hit rock bottom. She did something really stupid and swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills, fortunately, her dad found her just in time, he called 911, they took her to the emergency room and pumped her stomach, the doctor's say she's going to be okay, I just came back from visiting her in the hospital, they're going to keep her for a few more days. She wrote me an 8 page goodbye letter, left it in the mailbox, sent me a text and then went home and did this to herself. The letter said about 3 months after sleeping with him he gave her an STD and she felt like that was the point of no return and that's the reason for all the flirting and why she cut me off from sex and why she's been acting so strange. Everything just went downhill after that, seems she wanted me to catch her so I would leave her because she said I deserve better. She kept changing her mind, wanting to tell me the truth and fight for the marriage, but she also felt like the damage had been done. She had a huge fight with the OM about a week ago, she said he raised his hand like he was going to hit her and she left him and hasn't been in contact with him since, it's a good thing he didn't put his hands on her, that would have been a game changer for me. She's moving back in with her parents when she gets out of the hospital and she's supposed to go into therapy. Her parents know everything now...and I mean everything, they're blaming themselves and now they're dedicated to doing everything they can to get her the help she needs. I have to confess, It broke my heart to see her laying in that hospital bed like that, I could tell she was physically and emotionally drained, I think she cried the whole time I was there, that was also the first time in a long time that I've seen her without any make up on, I haven't seen her look so weak and vulnerable in a long time, but I could also tell she realizes that she's lucky to be alive, I know this might sound crazy, but when I went to see her, she almost looked like the woman I married. We are still going through with the divorce, we both agreed to keep everything civil, we'll talk more about dividing up assets when she gets out, she also agreed to let me have the condo. I have to say I honestly never thought she would try something like this so I'm still sort of in a state of shock, not sure what to think about all this. I mean I still love her, I guess I always will, I just can't stay married to her anymore, I can't deal with all of this emotional blackmail, she scared the hell out of me with this stupid stunt. I hate seeing her like this but I have to get out of this toxic situation and let her go, I can't take this anymore, her parents are good people, they'll take good care of her. I'm doing okay, still working and working out, going out with friends and trying to take care of myself. The lady I met on the fishing trip found my facebook page and wants to get together, not sure about that yet, I did write her back and explained what's going on, she understood and said she didn't have a problem waiting. It's Spring Break over here and me and my buddy are planning a fishing trip soon. Hope you all are doing well, thanks for all the advice and help for my sitch, for the first time in a long time I think I'm going to get through this and I couldn't have done it without all the great help from this forum. I'll let you all know if there's anything worth updating. footnote: I noticed my stbx was wearing her wedding ring in the hospital. She took it off a long time ago, now she's wearing it again, not sure what to make of that. Thanks again for listening. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Wow. I hope everything works out. You still seem to be doing well, so thats a good sign. I'm sorry for all you've been/are/yet to go through. Hopefully you come out stronger. The std thing, I don't get why she'd even continue having sex with him after that, but I suppose it's irrelevant now. Good luck to you , always :) Link to comment
Usa1ah Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Sorry that this has happened. Also glad she didn’t succeed. I hope her parents are able to help her and that she finds peace one day. What a bastard the OM is, wish there was a way to cut him off at the knees. Talk this out with your friends find peace with it. This is the OM and your STBX’s doings not yours. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 "The lady I met on the fishing trip found my facebook page and wants to get together," - She will be your second failed marriage. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 "The lady I met on the fishing trip found my facebook page and wants to get together," - She will be your second failed marriage.I think you seriously underestimate this OP. I think he is smart enough to know he needs time. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I think you seriously underestimate this OP. I think he is smart enough to know he needs time. To the contrary, he has not confronted, or at least stated the reasons for the unions failure. Direct, albeit hard questions, were avoided. Substituting actions and getaways made him a prime target for a woman of questionable nature. (Yep, he was and still is married.) He is on the rebound fast track. Either way, I hope you're right Alchem! Link to comment
Usa1ah Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Can if never be because the cheater is a POS and selfish. Why is it that it’s always the husbands fault when a wife cheats. Especially with all the articles in women’s magazines telling how cheating made my marriage stronger. Those that assume that the husband is always at fault just make an ass of themselves. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 footnote: I noticed my stbx was wearing her wedding ring in the hospital. She took it off a long time ago, now she's wearing it again, not sure what to make of that. Thanks again for listening. .... I was right there with you kind of starting to feel a bit sorry for her until....^that. Good grief but she is still trying to manipulate....smh.... You know I really hope that her parents for once realize that tough love is what she actually needs right now more than anything. Long ago an old girlfriend of mine got into a similar mess your sbtx is in. Her parents are extremely wealthy and she was also raised spoiled to death, getting anything she wants and that was part of the problem. Didn't know how to cope with not getting what she wants when she wants. They actually committed her to one of the best psych rehab facilities in the country for a solid year and after she was released, they stuck with the advice from the facility that to fully change her behavior and stick with those changes she couldn't return to her "old" life, friends, environment, etc, etc, etc. She wanted to, but her family again pulled their money and influence, forced her to live elsewhere, quit old life, friends, and habits, change uni's, etc. The moral of the story is that it took quite a few years, but it worked. Last I heard through the grapevine is that she finally has her head screwed on straight, is happy, leading a normal life. I kind of hope that your sbtx's parents have the strength to do the same for their daughter. It's not an easy road, but with money and will, doable. Meanwhile, you are right to recognize that she is toxic and reconciliation only means returning to toxic habits and becoming her enabler. As for the woman who is hitting on you....ugh....Lester is correct in a way. Delete and block her. That level of pursuit is a red flag in and or itself. Like a huge one. If you don't take time to figure out what attracts you to dominant narcissists, you will keep ending up with the same over and over again and this other woman is already displaying that kind of a vibe - "go after what I want at all costs". Not healthy, not normal, OP. Stay away. Link to comment
Al5 Posted April 3, 2018 Share Posted April 3, 2018 I am very sorry to read this. I am not sure what the best way to say this is, but she obviously has something going on. The excuse of getting upset and playing dumb is typical woman reaction. Hire someone to follow her in the convention and get proof, then confront her. Again, I am sorry but there is no way back from this point. The damage is done. The sooner you confront her, the better. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted April 3, 2018 Share Posted April 3, 2018 I am very sorry to read this. I am not sure what the best way to say this is, but she obviously has something going on. The excuse of getting upset and playing dumb is typical woman reaction. Hire someone to follow her in the convention and get proof, then confront her. Again, I am sorry but there is no way back from this point. The damage is done. The sooner you confront her, the better.I would read the entire post... Link to comment
Al5 Posted April 3, 2018 Share Posted April 3, 2018 Yeah, sorry, I just realized there are 40 pages on this and I am catching up on the guy's situation. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted April 4, 2018 Author Share Posted April 4, 2018 Hey Knight how are things? STBX is back at home with her parents, before they released her she had to go through a psych evaluation and agree to be committed if she tries this again. I did confirm that she was in fact diagnosed with HPV but not the type that leads to cancer, she has a strong immune system so they told her it should go away on it's own but that she needs to change her diet and stop stressing so much. I've been struggling a little bit with guilt and my role in all of this, the thought that I may have driven her to this is a hard pill to swallow, but my buddy is right, I did not drive her to cheat with her boss, I hate seeing her like this but in the end she did this to herself. Something snapped in her when she took this job, she became a completely different person and when everything came crashing down she got desperate and panicked. Right now she's being very civil about the divorce and seems genuinely remorseful and that's good enough for me. I read some of your responses about my fishing trip friend and I couldn't help but laugh because some of you have me married and divorced again already, relax, that's the furthest thing from my mind, she's a nice lady and she understands that I'm not looking for anything right now. I guess it's just nice to know I'm still not a bad catch. Thanks for listening Link to comment
Leah2337 Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 I read your whole thread - all 41 pages yesterday (I'm sure my work appreciates my productivity). I just wanted to say that I think you handled everything with more grace and dignity than anyone could expect of you. You got hit with a tsunami of crap. It will be a long road and I'm sure it will have its twists and turns, but there is a whole world of possibility out there for you. And if you could treat someone who behaved the way she did with such compassion and patience....you will definitely be able to build an amazing life for yourself and a new partner/family when you are ready. Good luck to you. Link to comment
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