milly007 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 she told you she would leave thinking you would tell her that you wanted her to stay or to sound like she was willing to do anything to work it out. You called her bluff. Big time. She was willing to look for a place when it was a "separation for her to figure out what she wanted" - she did not count on you filing for divorce. That's how i see it. Dad will ultimately have to be on the side of his daughter, but glad that he is being sensible in these matters and it sounds like he realizes what the situation is (his daughter cheated). Keep us updated. i understand where the attorney is coming from - but you never kicked her out. This is bang on. So true! Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 She's gone (again) Dad talked some sense into her, but she didn't leave without taking a couple of shots at me She claims that she knows about this forum and says she also knows my buddy's been following her I don't know if she's bluffing or not, or if I even care at this point. I'm just glad she's gone so I can get some rest tonight Got my hands on the 180, printed it out, good stuff Thanks again everyone Link to comment
fwdthinker Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Well, in case she is reading this forum; let me say once more that she's a sad excuse for a wife and you have handled things with an extraordinary amount of class. She has none. And btw, this forum is your right... A healthy way to process the shock of the bomb she detonated into your marriage and her selfish and manipulative behavior throughout. As for the PI; another wise choice on your part. Her attempts at "taking a couple of shots at you" are actually probably wrapped up in her humiliation at the realization that she's got zero leg to stand on here and oh yes zero character and will be stuck with herself. Yuck. You, on the other hand, will heal and move forward and will someday be an awesome husband to someone with a much purer heart than she. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Well her behavior reminds me of the emotional swings my 3 year old daughter goes though. But being a threenager my daughter at least has an excuse. I agree with the poster who stated that she probably never thought she was even jeopardizing her marriage because she is systemically to the core spoiled. She thinks she should get anything she wants when she wants it. But now her normal tantrums and manipulations aren't working. You seem like a pretty great #ucking guy, just have to say. With how you have handled all this, it is obvious you are going to be fine once all this is behind you. You will be able to recover and find someone else and have a great life\family. She however is the POS that had a long term affair. She is the emotionally unstable person. She lost the highest quality guy she will EVER be able to have a real relationship with. No guy worth his salt is going near her, and that kind of aura is going to follow her. She will never find a quality father that you would have been. She threw away any chance of a good family. She lost her future because she is such a brat. You are going to grow from this. It already sounds like you have a lot. You will actually improve I bet because of this. She will only get worse. She might have some remarkable transformation but if destroying her marriage hasn't caused it I doubt anything will. Believe me, the life she has chosen is going to be much worse than yours. Also, did you tell other people about the PI or this website? If you have told people then you know you can't trust them. If you haven't told someone who could have informed her then you need to go to your cell provider store and have them transfer your contacts and wipe your phone. She could have easily bugged it. Especially since she isthe paranoid kind of person to accuse you of cheating. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 So what if she knows? You are free to seek help and support from wherever you like. What you've posted here has been incredibly refrained and sensible. Talk about taking the high road and reacting with class and poise. That said, talk to your buddy about protecting your privacy going forward. I know you don't want to think about this, but unfortunately, you have to consider that people like her, once they realize that they won't get their way, can turn incredibly vindictive. Watch your back. Accepting responsibility for their actions and the consequences of their actions is not how their brain works. In their mind, they are a victim and as such have the right to retaliate against the "mean" world. I hope she doesn't become completely warped like that and that perhaps her parents can manage to get some sense through to her, but while you hope for the best, better cover your rear. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 How would she not know about this forum if she's referencing it? Have you mentioned it? In either case, there is nothing wrong with seeking advice on a forum. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Glad that her dad sounds like a reasonable man. Glad that they support her because she is their daughter, yet see that she is in the wrong. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 well. . . given the recent update, that may be the last. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 I haven't told anyone about this forum or what my buddy has been doing. Here's what happened... While I was away my STBX came over, snooped in my office and found a piece of paper on my desk with a yellow sticky note with the word "Forum" written on it. It was a response written by DancingFool that I copied and pasted into notepad and printed out. She was snooping around in here awhile back and she knows I've been on a forum but she doesn't know which forum and she couldn't get into my computer while I was away, plus she's not very computer literate, she was able to sift through papers on my desk while I was away but that's it. Now heres the funny part... She sent me a text message earlier today and accused me of having an emotional affair with someone online and that I intentionally left the paper on my desk with the word "Forum" on it to throw her off the trail because what I'm really doing is hiding the fact that I'm on a dating website having an affair and using a forum for cover...lol, I almost died laughing when I read it. She really is reaching on this one. I replied back and told her "I'm sorry you feel that way but I think it's best if we just keep any future communication between us about the divorce and let our attorney's sort out the rest. I asked for her attorney's contact info and still haven't received a response. As far as my buddy is concerned he said she's bluffing, there's no way she could have seen him or known what he's been up to unless I told her and I believe him, she knows what he does for a living and she's just trying to convince me that she knows more than she does. Remember I told you all she's a great actress. I don't care what she knows or doesn't know, I have nothing to hide from her, so she can continue on her wild goose chase if she wants to. As crazy as this may sound, I think whay my STBX is actually trying to get me to convince herself that I've been having an affair with someone online, she's suspected me all along and that's what drove her into his arms, I mean she's run out of other reasons, so why not just make something else up? She seems desparate, but what she doesn't realize is that accusing me of something I haven't done only pushes me further away from her. Spoke with my attorney and he said legally I can not make her leave, but he said what happened already was mutual and that I never technically kicked her out, she left voluntarily. On a positive note, had my first IC appointment today, not bad, the jury is still out, but I don't know why I'm paying for it, I basically paid someone to tell me a lot of the same stuff you all have already been saying here...lol, you guys are beyond awesome. Thanks again for listening. p.s. @abitbroken - do you know my wife? haha, your theory about her mood swing, personality changes, etc, sounds so dead on and it makes so much sense, it's scary! Thanks. also, I'm calling a locksmith to put a lock on my office door. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I would put a lock on the bedroom and bathroom doors too. I wouldn't put it past her to crawl into your bed or get into the shower with you to attempt to seduce you. Also, don't accept anything she offers you to eat or drink. She may try to "roofie" you. And I don't think I'm reaching here. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 I would put a lock on the bedroom and bathroom doors too. I wouldn't put it past her to crawl into your bed or get into the shower with you to attempt to seduce you. Also, don't accept anything she offers you to eat or drink. She may try to "roofie" you. And I don't think I'm reaching here. Thanks, but my attorney suggested that I only put a lock on the office for now until she has moved out the rest of her things. She's back home with her parents and I hope she stays there until she gets her own place. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 At the point you are at right now, my stbx tried to stop me from going to individual therapy. Because after all, this is when it all started - that I got my back bone back and learned to say no. When I told my therapist and asked if he could prevent me (financially) from going, my therapist said he would see me for free. Of course by this point, I must have been having an affair with my therapist, right? It couldn't possibly be because of all the other things I listed as to my reasons for wanting out of my marriage. If it were, he might have to take some responsibility. But that was never going to happen. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 It makes me wonder how seemingly reasonable parents created such a selfish, entitled brat of a daughter. However, my ex's father is one of the nicest, most morally upright people you'd ever meet and he raised a pack of lying, cheating, drug using wastes of space. So, go figure. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 Wife texted back her attorney info. I remember this guy, he likes to golf, STBX introduced me to him once at one of her company parties Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 It makes me wonder how seemingly reasonable parents created such a selfish, entitled brat of a daughter. However, my ex's father is one of the nicest, most morally upright people you'd ever meet and he raised a pack of lying, cheating, drug using wastes of space. So, go figure. My uncle came from a very unstable childhood. The kids were separated and divided among other relatives at one point (he is one of 5 and the girls went with a single aunt and the boys went with an aunt and uncle who had other boys for a time because that is how they could stay out of foster care.). He became very successful in life on his own and wanted to make sure his kids wanted for nothing unlike what he had. The relative did cloth and feed him, but being shuffled around is not something he wanted for his kids, nor not being able to get a good education (their situation was too distracting to do well in school all the time). BTW, the kids eventually were all in the same place again with the parents but not until they were much older. Well, my one cousin is extremely spoiled and entitled. He is NOT that way at all - he and my aunt are NOT that way. They can appreciate what they have because he came from uncertainty. She came from a working class family who had lots of love - but the kids have not known anything but being well off. Two of their kids are fine, but one is spoiled, entitled, uppity and the whole bit. One kid is very entrepreneurial. One uses the fact that she has safety net to do a lot of volunteer work in her spare time and the third...well...every kid is different. So it is highly plausible that an upstanding couple can have a kid that is entitled and a nightmare sometimes - they did not INTEND for them to be that way -- maybe they rescued their child too many times - now that is possible Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 What goes through my mind as I read this thread is, "Thank God there are no children involved." Consider it a blessing that her true colors were exposed before that happened. chi Link to comment
ControlDenied Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I was hoping she had access to this forum! I believe she is not a monster. She is living her life the only way she has known how to live it. It doesn’t take away from her responsibilities and the divorce is all her fault. Still, the best way for her to really listen and maybe understand... and maybe rebuild herself is via compassion. She need to reach the bottom and understand she has reached it to start making progress. Some people never get it. It is all in her hands. There is nothing KM can do to help her. In a way he is helping her, he is telling her this is the bottom. He has been quite positive in my opinion. If she was reading this forum, she probably would realize more as to the depth of the damage she has caused. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 Well I can't speak to the personality changes in a spouse since I'm not married, but surely others here will be able to share their experiences. The thing is, it's an emotional time for both of you right now, and I'm sure all of your feelings come in waves. One minute you feel fine, the next minute you're thinking about how surreal this whole experience is and how it all feels like a nightmare. I'm sure she feels like her world is falling apart right before her and she doesn't quite know what to do. Here's hoping her dad can convince her to head back home with him. You two need time apart right now. Her being in the home and refusing to leave until you two work things out clearly won't resolve anything. The wounds are still fresh and she isn't thinking rationally. She's only reacting emotionally, which can only make matters worse and create more hostility and tension between the two of you. Hang in there, KM! The words that really hit me in this response are - waves - surreal - nightmare Couldn't have said it better, thanks Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 Well, in case she is reading this forum; let me say once more that she's a sad excuse for a wife and you have handled things with an extraordinary amount of class. She has none. And btw, this forum is your right... A healthy way to process the shock of the bomb she detonated into your marriage and her selfish and manipulative behavior throughout. As for the PI; another wise choice on your part. Her attempts at "taking a couple of shots at you" are actually probably wrapped up in her humiliation at the realization that she's got zero leg to stand on here and oh yes zero character and will be stuck with herself. Yuck. You, on the other hand, will heal and move forward and will someday be an awesome husband to someone with a much purer heart than she. zero leg to stand on - zero character yep that pretty much sums it up Thank you for the kind words Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 Well her behavior reminds me of the emotional swings my 3 year old daughter goes though. But being a threenager my daughter at least has an excuse. I agree with the poster who stated that she probably never thought she was even jeopardizing her marriage because she is systemically to the core spoiled. She thinks she should get anything she wants when she wants it. But now her normal tantrums and manipulations aren't working. You seem like a pretty great #ucking guy, just have to say. With how you have handled all this, it is obvious you are going to be fine once all this is behind you. You will be able to recover and find someone else and have a great life\family. She however is the POS that had a long term affair. She is the emotionally unstable person. She lost the highest quality guy she will EVER be able to have a real relationship with. No guy worth his salt is going near her, and that kind of aura is going to follow her. She will never find a quality father that you would have been. She threw away any chance of a good family. She lost her future because she is such a brat. You are going to grow from this. It already sounds like you have a lot. You will actually improve I bet because of this. She will only get worse. She might have some remarkable transformation but if destroying her marriage hasn't caused it I doubt anything will. Believe me, the life she has chosen is going to be much worse than yours. Also, did you tell other people about the PI or this website? If you have told people then you know you can't trust them. If you haven't told someone who could have informed her then you need to go to your cell provider store and have them transfer your contacts and wipe your phone. She could have easily bugged it. Especially since she isthe paranoid kind of person to accuse you of cheating. Nope, told no one, she's bluffing and creating wild conspiracy theories out desparation. My buddy has already swept the house, we're all clear over here. thanks Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 So what if she knows? You are free to seek help and support from wherever you like. What you've posted here has been incredibly refrained and sensible. Talk about taking the high road and reacting with class and poise. That said, talk to your buddy about protecting your privacy going forward. I know you don't want to think about this, but unfortunately, you have to consider that people like her, once they realize that they won't get their way, can turn incredibly vindictive. Watch your back. Accepting responsibility for their actions and the consequences of their actions is not how their brain works. In their mind, they are a victim and as such have the right to retaliate against the "mean" world. I hope she doesn't become completely warped like that and that perhaps her parents can manage to get some sense through to her, but while you hope for the best, better cover your rear. My buddy already has much of this covered, thanks! She's got that victim role down perfectly Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 At the point you are at right now, my stbx tried to stop me from going to individual therapy. Because after all, this is when it all started - that I got my back bone back and learned to say no. When I told my therapist and asked if he could prevent me (financially) from going, my therapist said he would see me for free. Of course by this point, I must have been having an affair with my therapist, right? It couldn't possibly be because of all the other things I listed as to my reasons for wanting out of my marriage. If it were, he might have to take some responsibility. But that was never going to happen. WOW! It's amazing the lengths that some people will go to get their way isn't it? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 WOW! It's amazing the lengths that some people will go to get their way isn't it? I believe - and have seen it first hand, that there are some people who are just hardwired to deflect any responsibility. It's not they are resistant to it, they just flat out cannot own up to their mistakes. Their lies are so convincing they can convince themselves. To me, being in their presence is much like walking and talking backwards. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 My uncle came from a very unstable childhood. The kids were separated and divided among other relatives at one point (he is one of 5 and the girls went with a single aunt and the boys went with an aunt and uncle who had other boys for a time because that is how they could stay out of foster care.). He became very successful in life on his own and wanted to make sure his kids wanted for nothing unlike what he had. The relative did cloth and feed him, but being shuffled around is not something he wanted for his kids, nor not being able to get a good education (their situation was too distracting to do well in school all the time). BTW, the kids eventually were all in the same place again with the parents but not until they were much older. Well, my one cousin is extremely spoiled and entitled. He is NOT that way at all - he and my aunt are NOT that way. They can appreciate what they have because he came from uncertainty. She came from a working class family who had lots of love - but the kids have not known anything but being well off. Two of their kids are fine, but one is spoiled, entitled, uppity and the whole bit. One kid is very entrepreneurial. One uses the fact that she has safety net to do a lot of volunteer work in her spare time and the third...well...every kid is different. So it is highly plausible that an upstanding couple can have a kid that is entitled and a nightmare sometimes - they did not INTEND for them to be that way -- maybe they rescued their child too many times - now that is possible WOW! What a story! Her mom and dad are good people, she's an only child and they really spoiled her. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 OP, did your PI friend find out more about the OM's marital status? I know you said that he was married but separated. I would think about informing his spouse so that she has more info to decide to R or D. If she decides to D, she could use the affair to leverage a better settlement since he might not want his name and business dragged through the courts. Ask your lawyer about suing for alienation of affection. I don't know if it's still viable in your state, but since he has money, make him sweat. Again, he might just settle to keep his name and business out of the courts. It's not just to punish him but maybe to keep him from chasing after another married woman in the future. One of the things that made me laugh was that she had an EA with a coworker and her AP fired him. So she was cheating on the AP as well. I read a post on another forum. The husband posted that his wife would often take a drink from his friend's cup instead of his. The replies he got was that this was a clear sign of cheating. You only do that with a lover or a family member, not a "friend" so when I read your post on her feeding him at dinner, that was as clear a sign as any that she was cheating. The husband, just like you, listened to the replies. He got out of his fog and found the proof that she was cheating. Divorced her and is now happily remarried with a child. I thought about contacting his wife but I let it go, if he is as big a player as I think he is, she probably already knows or will soon. Alienation of Affection is allowed in my state, my attorney asked me about it, told him I would think about it. Wow, drinking out of another guy's cup? And here I thought my wife feeding him in front of me was bad, poor guy, glad he came out of that with a better life. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.