My Wife and Her New Boss

[SweetGirl28]

Let’s look at her full confession (so far) from her point of view. That seems positive to me as she is willing to face down the REALITY of her actions. She seems to be no longer in denial.

Realism is a sign of maturity. Forced in this case but you are not dealing with the infantilism of denial.

One good question you can ask her is this one: “is there anything I should know that you have not told me so far”

 

I disagree with the people who say you shouldn’t know things. That is how lousy relationships get built.

 

OH hell no. "Tell me every last dirty sordid detail of all the deceit, the manipulation, the selfish acts you committed to betray our marriage during the past seven years, so that I can move on and feel better having all those visuals of you being physically intimate and imagine the conversations that took place with the emotional affair you had also."

Pfffttttt.........details matter not. What mattered was she now afmitted the affair, resigned, and is sorry.

Of course she's sorry. She lost her lover, her job, her home, maybe her husband and marraige. She has zero respect for him and is not being respectful by sharing details. Unless he wants to know, but he needs to be prepared for the mental movies that will replay in his mind on rewind every blessed time he closes his eyes.

[ControlDenied]

OH hell no. "Tell me every last dirty sordid detail of all the deceit, the manipulation, the selfish acts you committed to betray our marriage during the past seven years, so that I can move on and feel better having all those visuals of you being physically intimate and imagine the conversations that took place with the emotional affair you had also."

Pfffttttt.........details matter not. What mattered was she now afmitted the affair, resigned, and is sorry.

Of course she's sorry. She lost her lover, her job, her home, maybe her husband and marraige. She has zero respect for him and is not being respectful by sharing details. Unless he wants to know, but he needs to be prepared for the mental movies that will replay in his mind on rewind every blessed time he closes his eyes.

 

Let’s meet in the middle. I think she needs to share as many details as required for KnightMan as repeatedly as KnightMan wants it.

[KnightMan]

It would be great! You have your private messages disabled.

 

One trick that works to make time move faster is to TRAVEL, anywhere it doesn’t matter and how long doesn’t matter. As long as you go somewhere else for a few days and then come back it will work like a charm to make new memories and seem the past be farther away.

 

 

Hmmmm, that's weird, it says my private messages are on.

Been trying to get out a little more, plan on taking some time off to do some fishing down by the Gulf of Mexico.

 

I don't think she's a sociopath, although she does possess some of the characteristics.

 

I think she's just spoiled and use to getting her way.

[KnightMan]

OH hell no. "Tell me every last dirty sordid detail of all the deceit, the manipulation, the selfish acts you committed to betray our marriage during the past seven years, so that I can move on and feel better having all those visuals of you being physically intimate and imagine the conversations that took place with the emotional affair you had also."

Pfffttttt.........details matter not. What mattered was she now afmitted the affair, resigned, and is sorry.

Of course she's sorry. She lost her lover, her job, her home, maybe her husband and marraige. She has zero respect for him and is not being respectful by sharing details. Unless he wants to know, but he needs to be prepared for the mental movies that will replay in his mind on rewind every blessed time he closes his eyes.

 

 

yeah...um

I think I'll pass on those visual details.

I'm having trouble just walking down the hallway past my bedroom door

[SweetGirl28]

Let’s meet in the middle. I think she needs to share as many details as required for KnightMan as repeatedly as KnightMan wants it.

 

To each his own, but it's emotionally abusive to give those details. She already tried blaming him .

Not his fault. Everything was choices she made. She's crying now because she stands to lose everything. I'd be crying too, to try to save my a** but guess what? It's all part of the game. Try and smooth it over to save face.

This marraige is going to require a great deal of counseling to repair. And lots of time. The trust is broken. Not just from one sexual affair, but from an emotional affair too( which is way worse).

If he wants to know details, he has to be fully prepared to deal with the effects of the visionaries.

[SweetGirl28]

yeah...um

I think I'll pass on those visual details.

I'm having trouble just walking down the hallway past my bedroom door

 

Exactly my point! You know it happened, you don't need details. What you do need to know is if it's still happening, but I know he's out of town right now. Not a bad idea when he gets back to have your buddy do some checking up since you're uncertain as to whether you want to stay in or leave the marraige.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, it's great that she's being "honest" now! Would have been nice if she'd actually been honest before she started dropping her pants for that other guy. Or before she decided to "emotionally" attach herself to yet another man. How about being "honest" that she was thinking about involving herself with other men so she could give you a chance before she started screwing around?

 

Sorry, but her "honesty" would be too little too late for me.

[Usa1ah]

Burn the bed or have it sitting out front for trash pick up in the morning.

 

Sorry but that’s a low blow on her part. Wonder how much they laughed over that. Then spoon feeding him in front of you and everyone else. Was she deliberately trying to humiliate you?

[Usa1ah]

I don’t think you could ever get past the fact that your wife had you socializing with the guy she was f ing in your own bed.

 

I guess it was their dirty little secret.

[Usa1ah]

She is reading something or getting help from somewhere. She knows not to trickle truth the info and to take full responsibility. The question is if this is her or just what she is being coached to do.

[sonar40]

No problem at all Knightman, glad that I can be of some sort of help. As promised, I have now posted my thread going through the same but over a long period of time. See:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=546984&p=6954379#post6954379

[Hollyj]

She agreed to stop texting and calling , but she said I never said anything about writing letters.

She's so stubborn, I tell her something and she immediately looks for a loophole.

 

I'm not sure how much more time I need.

I just want this nightmare to be over.

 

Wow! Cheats, blames you, and is still in contact - the bit about the letter writing, Unbelievable.

[DancingFool]

She agreed to stop texting and calling , but she said I never said anything about writing letters.

She's so stubborn, I tell her something and she immediately looks for a loophole.

 

I'm not sure how much more time I need.

I just want this nightmare to be over.

 

That's not being stubborn, it's pure, unadulterated selfishness and entitlement and that's the fundamental problem with cheaters. You asked, but she doesn't care to respect your wishes. She will do what SHE wants to do and that's that and to heck with you, how you feel, and what you did and didn't ask for. She is still all about herself and her own wants and if that means trampling all over your needs, that's just too bad. If you look back through the entirety of your relationship, you'll probably realize many many instances of this kind of behavior with her. Sure, we can all be guilty of doing this kind of stuff sometimes, nobody is perfect, but with cheaters, it's more deep, more frequent, more ingrained in their core personality. Sadly, it's not just a matter of being spoiled and used to getting what you want. Lots of people may be spoiled, but they aren't cheating on their SO's.

 

Anyway, don't look for "honesty" from her. I put honesty in quotes because her brand of honesty and the motivations behind that are highly questionable. Instead look for respect, regard, and empathy toward you and others - not just in words, but actions. Do not try to teach her or reproach her either. She needs to arrive at that all on her own. Meaning you ask - she respects and doesn't try to push, find loopholes, and otherwise trample over it. Realistically, it will take a heck of a lot of therapy for her to even begin to address her selfishness and get a handle on that. Talking 1-2 years of intensive counseling just to begin to get a handle on that.....and many people quit long before they get there. We are talking about changing core personality issues here. Any honest psychiatrist will tell you straight up not to hold your breath on that kind of change because it's so difficult that success is rare and the person seeking that kind of change has to be incredibly determined to change themselves for their own sake and not for any other reason.

 

Ultimately, your PI friend is right - start the divorce now, you can stop it any time you want. You can also get back together IF this situation impacts her enough to do the work necessary to fix herself....big if...sadly..... He is also right to keep an eye on her once the other guy is back in town. Don't be surprised to find out that she will at some point run to cry on his shoulder and hope he'll take her in despite all the bs she tells you about reconciling and how she loves you. There is only one person she loves in all of this and that's herself.

[reinventmyself]

Honestly, when it first got to the point that you needed to track her activities, it was almost too late.

After the fact and still considering the need to track her?. . if that's the case then it's way, way past too late.

 

when it matters the most you can't trust her.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

Consider this: How do you or would you treat your partner? What are your core values when it comes to a committed relationship?

Write them down if you have to and give it some thought. How far apart are the two of you in regards to this?

 

Don't settle for anything less than you are willing to give yourself.

 

Your mention of the omission of the agreement of no contact might not include letter writing? made me recall this:

 

I remember in the 11th hour negotiating a reconciliation with my soon to be ex. We stayed up all night talking until the sun came up.

He fought for the reconciliation, I didn't but in that moment I gave into weakness. I thought we covered everything.

 

He had made a new `friend' and insisted she was just someone to talk to during our short separation, much like yours is now.

 

I called him as he drove away that morning and asked what I thought was a ridiculous question

`You aren't going to still keep that friend of yours, right?'

Him `Oh no, I am keeping my friend, because she's just friend'

 

Silly me. Deal off. He thought I was being unreasonable. "Whatever, she can have you".

I often wondered, what if I hadn't asked that ridiculous question? Good thing I did

 

He moved in with her a couple weeks later.

[beebs82]

Seems like the details are not important at this point in time. You have enough facts on how she treated you in the past. What will additional details do? Twisting he knife even more? It all comes down to respect and trust. She took advantage of you and probably never thought you would actually have it in you to leave. But a person can only be tested up to a certain point. It doesn't seem like she is receptive to your needs or wants. Stubborn for sure.

[journeynow]

Thanks, people keep commenting about how well I'm handling all this and it makes me chuckle because if they could see the face on the other side of the screen they would say I look completely lost and defeated. I'm just a very methodical person, I do my best work under pressure, helping people plan is one of the things I do for a living. When it comes to plotting a course and protecting myself I'm like a machine, like the song says "What's Love Got To Do With It?"

I know what you mean, that is a song lyric that pops into my head at times when I reflect on the end of my marriage and try to reconcile it with what I think love means. My conclusion is that love does not equal compatibility. So I can love and care for and click with with someone, but if they choose to do ____________ (my deal breaker) then we are not compatible. In my case, it was my husband shutting me out and then leaving. If I were in your shoes, it would be the affair (or affairs). We choose the "act" of marriage for a reason, we vow to be kind and faithful and to honor our agreement. It's an open and publicly acknowledged agreement.

 

It is understandable that right now you feel lost and defeated. Your emotional world has been turned upside down. Even as an outsider, it hurts to read what she has chosen to do. He took advantage of her choices, but they were her choices.

 

Hang in there, one moment at a time, one breath at a time.

[shellyf62]

Omg, what a cold heartless biatch to bring him to your home & then tell you about it. That would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

 

My ex invited his mistress & her husband to our house for dinner, then decided what extravagant thing I was going to cook for them. The strangest thing about that whole night was that she never once looked me in the face. She sat with her long hair covering her face and in all honesty I couldnt tell you what she looked like. It was all very strange & I asked him if she was socially akward...no in hindsight it is called guilt.

 

After we seperated I asked him why he did that. He told me that she was chasing him & he wanted to show her what a loving family he had. W T H ? They were sleeping together at that stage

 

Out of everything he did & said that move was the worst. To bring her into my home and having me cook, then eat a meal with her just ripped my heart out.

 

I would have no further contact with her & file for divorce immediately

[Lester]

"It's hard to tell when she's being serious or when she's lying, she's a great actress."

- Only to the uninitiated.

 

Soon, your journey around the entire block will be completed.

Once that happens, you will enter a new, better world for yourself. (And will be able to quickly see through the phonies.)

 

That is, if you choose to do it the right way.

 

The right way:

You either reconcile or divorce amicably. (Amicably? Yep, you must quickly move past hateful, vengeful thinking.* It will only hurt you, and your honor.)

 

The wrong way:

To protect their broken egos, many husbands hang onto the hate, and dive right into a new sexual relationship.

This ends the learning process, wastes two to five more years, and almost always ends in disaster.

 

 

* Cleaning out the house and throwing out a bed is not vengeful. Why? It's not your house or bed anymore. (Promises and vows broken.)

[Undy]

She quit her job?! So now you are setting yourself up for alimony payments when you realize that she is still boning this guy and you divorce her? Trust me, they will find ways to hide it - you can't watch her 24/7.

 

I am not trying to be mean, but you need to snap out of it. Don't take your time, take action! Why on earth do you want to settle to be her second pick? I am willing to bet you would start to feel wonderful if you took control back and realized that you deserve better! You only have one life. You want to spend it wondering when she will cheat again? Cause we all know she will.

[KnightMan]

She's got the flu so we had to cancel our meeting.

 

I finally came to the conclusion that my wife is just selfish.

There's something broken in her, but it's not up to me to fix it, she has to want to do this for herself.

 

As for me, I'm still willing to sit down and listen to what she has to say when she's feeling better,

but I've decided to call the attorney first thing in the morning and go ahead with the divorce.

 

I deserve better than this.

 

Thanks again for listening everyone.

[Maddyb12]

I just went through and read most of this thread but may have missed some. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I can't imagine what it feels like. I do know that time heals all and if not heals definitely helps. I would be mostly caught up wondering had you not inquired about all of it how long the affair would have gone on. Did she only come clean because she thought you knew? Stay strong, and don't let her manipulate you into feeling like it was your fault. There were so many steps that could have been taken on her end before she decided cheating was the answer.

[KnightMan]

I just went through and read most of this thread but may have missed some. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I can't imagine what it feels like. I do know that time heals all and if not heals definitely helps. I would be mostly caught up wondering had you not inquired about all of it how long the affair would have gone on. Did she only come clean because she thought you knew? Stay strong, and don't let her manipulate you into feeling like it was your fault. There were so many steps that could have been taken on her end before she decided cheating was the answer.

 

 

Thank you, it feels horrible and I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

I'm still not clear on what made her decide to come clean, but a couple of things come to mind...

 

I think her parents may have had a little something to do with it.

She also mentioned in her letter about how she lost one of her best friends she's known for years when she revealed the affair to her. Her friend tried to talk her out of it and tried to tell her she was making a big mistake but when she kept the affair going her friend eventually stop calling and hanging out with her. She was really depressed about that, now I know why. I think that losng her frienship may have played a small role in her confession as well.

 

But if I had to guess about the main reason, I think she felt like I knew or would eventually find out, she knows how analytical I am and she knows our friend is a PI and he does this for a living and she should have known that I would get to the truth one way or another. Which brings me to another puzzling fact, she had this affair knowing that my buddy investigates infidelity cases, she knows this, he does this for a living for Christ sake, how in the world did she think she could away with this and me not find out?

 

It's almost like she wanted to get caught. Who does that?

[boltnrun]

She didn't care. She only cared about getting what she wanted.

 

I'm willing to bet this is a pattern with her. She just took it further this time.

[reinventmyself]

 

It's almost like she wanted to get caught. Who does that?

 

I think I have heard it more than once, that cheaters do want to get caught? Even if it's at some subconscious level.

Dunno. . .

Doesn't change outcome.

 

AND. . I don't know how sick she is.

But if it were me . .if I had any ounce of strength I would have drug myself to meet you, at least as a sign of good faith.

[thealchemist]

She doesn't make logical sense. She doesn't need to.

 

She just sounds incredibly selfish and that selfishness caused her to be very short sighted.

 

She had you as a "given" in her mind and didn't honestly give much thought to consequences. Her selfishness made her not even think twice about the emotional sh*t she took on you and your relationship.

 

She wanted something and did it. Without regard to the future.

 

Now that you know everything her fairytale fantasy delusion has popped and she shattered her future with you.

 

So she is fighting now for her only option. You really don't want her when you are just her last option, because when other options reappear who knows what she will do?

 

She probably really wanted a family too and now her life plan is #ucked. She took you for granted on an unimaginable scale, if after doing this she is willing to work this much to try to fix it. You just can't trust even her motivation to repair it at this point.

 

She saw your value as a potential father and steadfast husband but she is too selfish to even appreciate you. I really bet a large amount of this is simple math. She wants a family and it will take too long to find someone of your caliber. So the best way to get what she wants now is to try to fix it.