My affair ex-boyfriend left me for another girl but I really need him back to me...

[Iloverabbit]

I really hope kind people here will encourage me, and tell me how to get my ex bf back...Please please please do not tell me to give up on him and move on or let him go etc...

 

I'd call my ex-bf "Rabbit". He was actually my affair bf for 1 year 7 months. I was suffering from a sexless marriage and then out of depression and desperation I had a one night stand and then fell in love with the one night stand. However the one night stand had a gf. I confided to Rabbit (he at that time was my colleague, 26yrs old, while I was 34yrs old) and then ended up getting super drunk and having sex with him twice before he started to fall in love with me. He confessed his love for me and broke up with his gf of 6yrs who mistreated him and often threatened to break up with him.

 

We started our relationship in Oct 2015.

 

He knew what he was getting into (even though it was probably against his own principles, he still loved me a lot), and so did I, though I did feel guilty towards my clueless husband. But Rabbit and I were really deeply in love with each other.

 

He almost left me once in 2016 because of his insecurities and because I had to move into the new house I owned with my husband. I managed to plead and get him back within a few days. I also got retrenched by the company and he felt really shocked and sad because we wouldn't be able to see each other everyday at work anymore. He did not leave me and we were even more in love with each other. He promised to wait for me to divorce in 2017, while I promised to hold his hand officially by end of 2017.

 

We treated each other very well and he put in almost 100% into our relationship. We had many happy and loving and passionate memories together and went overseas trips together several times.

 

 

He would often tell me that he wanted to marry me, have kids with me and have a home with me. He even started to save up $ and said it was for our future together.

 

But often times he would remind me to divorce, which stressed me out, thus I sometimes would ask him not to remind me. But he had no one to confide to since it was an affair and said that I was the only person he could talk to thus he would remind me to divorce. I often felt guilty towards him for letting him wait for me and felt guilty towards my husband for betraying him. At the same time I was having depression, anxiety and OCD (since 2014). But Rabbit was very supportive, caring and doting towards me. We also super compatible in terms of making love.

 

Sometimes I would worry about our 8yrs age gap (me being the older one) and me being a divorcee in future but he would always assure me that those did not matter to him at all.

 

 

Several months later, in March 2017 I was about to initiate the divorce to my husband but I felt so stressed out that I had panic attack and wanted to commit suicide. I got admitted into psychiatric ward for few days. This affected Rabbit a lot. He thought I was never going to leave my husband, because during that period my mind was so messed up that I gave him a lot of insecurities and uncertainties, telling him things like I might leave him or my husband or leave both etc, and I asked him many many repeated questions due to my OCD.

 

I would even say nonsense like I did not want my partner to earn too much lesser than me (but I have never minded him earning lesser than me), and that family statuses (financial) that match each other would be good (he misunderstood that I felt our families did not match - He misunderstood that I thought his family was poor), but the most important thing was the partner that would sleep beside you. He also always thought that I loved the new house that I and my husband were staying together in, and it impacted him quite a lot when I moved into it with my husband (But I had no choice at that time).

 

He was not able to tell me how he felt honestly because he was worried that it would stress me out again, and (I blame myself for this) I did ask him not to stress me during that period of time.

From mid May onwards I noticed him spending less attention and time on me, I started to have arguments with him. End of May I argued with him again and out of anger I mentioned breaking up but he refused. But in the end he told me "Let's be friends", he said he loved me a lot but had been unhappy every night thinking of me going back home to my husband and he felt that I would never leave my husband, and he felt very scared and stressed about it. He was tired of dating me secretly and not being able to be open about us in public and in social media etc because he always wanted to have a proper and official relationship. So he left me.

 

I found out a while later that a new girl (his age) at his workplace was courting him and he actually got together with this new girl on the day we broke up! In other words, he actually broke up with me for this new girl too! They have been in a serious official relationship (for more than 6 months now) and he even has plans to marry her since few months ago. They seem to be very happy together and often tag each other on their Facebook posts. The girl often stays over at his place, and his parents like her. And they work at the same place too...Rabbit is in fact his supervisor.

 

After the breakup, I did limited contact with Rabbit for 3 weeks, but later we still text each other and meet each other from time to time. I also told him that I had left my husband and had applied for annulment of our marriage but it did not change Rabbit's mind at all. He said that his heart is already with his current gf.

 

He dreamt of having sex with me and asked me out for sex twice in Sept and we did..He said he would think of me when he masturbates and sometimes still think of me when having sex with his gf.....But later I told him we should stop this since he wanted to be with his gf and I did not want him to feel bad about it and we shd respect each other as I did not want us to become a one-night-stand. He agreed, though for a couple of times he did have the urge to have sex with me or sex text me while he masturbates...and same for me...Recently I did say we could have sex again but he rejected me politely...

 

Recently he is drifting further and further away from me....and does not even "like" any of my FB posts anymore like he used to. Lesser contact from him, slower replies, shorter words, unanswered questions, and making it more difficult for me to meet him. He always knows that I still wish to get back with him, I asked him to promise me a few times - to come back to me if he ever leaves his current gf. He did promise it but said that there's likely no chance for him to leave her because he loves her a lot, she treats him very well and his parents like her. He told me that he does not love me anymore and is slowly letting go of his feelings for me. He told me that I am like his sister/good friend now, which I feel is not true because I am like the last of his priorities now. He does not even bother to make a bit of time to meet me when I asked to meet. His current gf is like his entire world now...(Like I was his entire world in the past when we were still together...)

 

We actually started a small online business together while we were still a couple, which he initially refused to give up on when we broke up because he said we had put in a lot of efforts into this small business together. But he still lost focus on it because of his current gf, and then now he wants to put it on hold and not contribute anything because he just started his part time degree studies and is too busy with work as well.

 

I am still trying to maintain contact with him as a normal friend, show him care etc...hoping for us to get back together some day...

 

I feel really helpless and depressed...even though I act like I am normal in front of him.... But I've been suffering since the day we broke up...

 

Please help.... (T___T)

I cannot live without him....I want to marry him and have a future with him....

[j.man]

Wait, so are you divorced right now or what?

[Iloverabbit]

Wait, so are you divorced right now or what?

 

Yes but waiting for the final judgement

[rosephase]

Wow.

 

What a shockingly self involved person you are. Leave this guy alone. If you really feel so much love towards him then you'll let him have a chance at a normal functioning relationship. What you did to him and your husband was deeply unkind.

 

You need to focus on getting some personal healing and perspective. I would suggest therapy. Have you worked with anyone around your OCD before?

 

Out of respect for this guy you should end all contact. Hopefully with time you will heal and be able to find a relationship that is honest and stable. But yeah... leave this guy alone. You've screwed with his life more than enough.

[ThatwasThen]

Well, He's broken up with you and he (says he) loves the woman he's with now so you have no choice but to move on in your own life as well and learn from this so that you don't let yourself get involved like you did with him when you are not free to give him all of you. I suspect that had you even left your husband when you first said you would, that he would have left you for the other girl anyway. That's what guys like him (one's that knowingly get with married or otherwise committed women) do. They "sample" until they are actually ready to settle down with someone they will be proud to take home to meet their mother.

 

Silently thank him for giving you the motivation to leave a love-less marriage and then get on with your life so that you are eventually ready to pick a guy that you will actually be able to live out the rest of your life with faithfully.

 

You can live without him. It's time you learned how to live a happy life as a single because it is then that you will pick your next partner wisely.

 

You don't want a future with him and you don't want to marry him... you don't even really know him except for the stolen moments of illicit sex you had with him that was lustful because you didn't know him enough for life to get in the way of that lust. You had very little in common and soon enough that lust would dwindle and then what would you have with him?.... another boring and loveless marriage... that is what.

 

You are currently going through the withdrawl. Keep yourself busy and work on why you allowed yourself to cheat and soon enough you have rehabbed from him and you'll be just fine.

[katrina1980]

Just because you want something or someone, that doesn't mean you should have it, or that it's even right for you.

 

You are not entitled to everything you want in this world. Believing otherwise is extremely self-centered.

 

Reality: He is in love with and serious about another woman. He is NOT in love with you and doesn't want to be with you. The way he treats you, it doesn't even appear he wants to be friends with you.

 

You need to accept this and make effort to move on, and not obsess about what "you" want, it takes two and HE doesn't want it.

 

Again you are not entitled to something just because YOU want it.

 

If you truly believe you can't live without him, then seek professional help.

[willdation]

So you were cheating on your husband for over a year and a half and felt guilty about it....

 

Now you feel depressed because the other guy is seeing another girl.....

 

Now you want our advice on how you can break them up so you can have him back....

 

I am sorry to say, but if you keep on going down this path, you will only end up hurting a lot of people, including yourself....

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, if you play with fire, you get burned.

[No1]

Counseling will help you with youre dealing with. But in short. You miss being desired. When you needed it you replaced your clueless husband with an affair. Now that he is gone and you need it, you can replace your affair.

[Iloverabbit]

I hope people here would be kind to help me in terms of how to get back together with my ex bf instead of judge me. I would hate to hear cruel words from people that have never been in my shoes.

And I do not know if anyone understands the misery of being in a sexless marriage and always being rejected by the husband from day 1 despite putting in all sorts of efforts (you name it) for 2 years while the husband did nothing.

 

The biggest reason for my divorce was because of wanting to be with my ex bf before I even found out he had a new gf.

Divorce is never an easy thing. And I never had any intention of screwing anyone’s life up.

What I had with my ex bf was true love and not only lust. The only mistake I made was not divorcing earlier due to my anxieties. And my ex bf could not handle the stress and broke his promise to wait for me (till end of 2017).

 

We all have faults and make mistakes but I genuinely wish to get back together with him. He was also the one who insisted us to be friends and continue being business partners when we broke up.

 

I do love him a lot but am not a saint and am not generous enough to let him go and be with another girl and wish them the best. I still want to achieve “our goal” of being official and getting married in future even though it does not matter to him anymore. But it matters a lot to me.

 

I really really want to be with him and spend our lives together.

 

I believe we will work out because of our deep chemistry if we ever get back together. I will be there for him 100% this time round. We were not together for fun in the past...my ex bf fell in love with me and made me fall back in love with him too. We were serious with each other. We spent a lot of time outside of sex too and we communicated with each other a lot. We would also do many things normal couples do except touching each other in public.

 

I joined this forum because I thought people would be supportive and non-judgemental....

 

And I plead for help....

[rosephase]

If you really really wanted this relationship you would have left your husband before cheating on him. If you really really wanted this relationship you would have left your husband when he asked you too.

 

We don't always get what we want. We do all have faults. Faults often have consequences. You dragged your partner's feelings through the dirt while you worked up the courage (for years!) to leave a bad relationship. He moved on.

 

The best thing you can do is move on. Work on healing from your marriage. Work on figuring your desires and anxieties. Figure out what you want, who you are and what you have to give. So the next time someone comes along you can offer them a real relationship.

 

The advice that is being given to you is supportive. You just don't like it.

[ChasingHope]

While I believe that there are many people on these forums who see the obvious pain you are in, and don’t want to add to it, I don’t think you are going to get the type of support you want, which is someone giving you a sure-fire way to get your ex back. Readers on this forum are seeing what you aren’t able to, and that is that he has moved on. He found someone he could be in a relationship with without drama, without a veil of secrecy, and without questioning his morals and ethics. He chose her, and nothing you can do or say at this point will change that. He is going to continue to pull away until there is nothing left between you but a brief shared past.

 

The only real help and advice people can give you is to seek therapy to not only help you recover from your divorce (which in itself is traumatic, regardless of your relationship with your husband), but to help you heal your heartbreak.

[j.man]

Though I have the fortune of never having been cheated on, people having suffered their partners cheating on them is one of the most common themes people come here with, and you've got the audacity to seek advice on how to make your situation as the perpetrator work even further to your benefit and at the expense of your husband and the woman your "ex" is currently with. I'd include your "ex" among them, but my sympathy runs a bit dry for him.

 

So, with that, I've got to quote rosephase.

 

What a shockingly self involved person you are.

Lucky for you, it's never too late to change and turn your life around for the better.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you need to woman up.

 

You are not a defenseless child who needs to be treated with kid gloves. You are grown woman who has made some bad choices. It's time to own that and stop positioning yourself as a helpless victim of your circumstances. You can't reasonably expect people to be kind to you and non-judgmental when you have behaved like this. You choose the behaviour, you choose the consequence. Hearing things you don't want to hear - on this forum or otherwise - is part of the deal when you treat people the way you did.

 

Having said that, it's not up to you whether your ex comes back. You don't have to move on if you don't want to. But that doesn't mean he won't. And it appears that's exactly what's happening. Sit and wait if you choose, but it won't change the fact that he's lost interest and is with someone else now. You have apparently done what you needed to do, in terms of ending your marriage. You have tried to meet up with your ex. He still isn't interested, so I don't know what sort of advice or suggestions you're hoping to hear.

[Iloverabbit]

I guess I don't need anymore replies.

I would like to request for the moderator to delete the thread.

Thank you

[thealchemist]

I guess I don't need anymore replies.

I would like to request for the moderator to delete the thread.

Thank you

Well you are welcome to go to other places but everyone is probably going to be just as harsh. And for good reason.

 

Move on and get some help.

[ThatwasThen]

I hope people here would be kind to help me in terms of how to get back together with my ex bf instead of judge me. I would hate to hear cruel words from people that have never been in my shoes.

And I do not know if anyone understands the misery of being in a sexless marriage and always being rejected by the husband from day 1 despite putting in all sorts of efforts (you name it) for 2 years while the husband did nothing.

 

The biggest reason for my divorce was because of wanting to be with my ex bf before I even found out he had a new gf.

Divorce is never an easy thing. And I never had any intention of screwing anyone’s life up.

What I had with my ex bf was true love and not only lust. The only mistake I made was not divorcing earlier due to my anxieties. And my ex bf could not handle the stress and broke his promise to wait for me (till end of 2017).

 

We all have faults and make mistakes but I genuinely wish to get back together with him. He was also the one who insisted us to be friends and continue being business partners when we broke up.

 

I do love him a lot but am not a saint and am not generous enough to let him go and be with another girl and wish them the best. I still want to achieve “our goal” of being official and getting married in future even though it does not matter to him anymore. But it matters a lot to me.

 

I really really want to be with him and spend our lives together.

 

I believe we will work out because of our deep chemistry if we ever get back together. I will be there for him 100% this time round. We were not together for fun in the past...my ex bf fell in love with me and made me fall back in love with him too. We were serious with each other. We spent a lot of time outside of sex too and we communicated with each other a lot. We would also do many things normal couples do except touching each other in public.

 

I joined this forum because I thought people would be supportive and non-judgemental....

 

And I plead for help....

You have clearly romanticized an opportunity that a young man took when he seen a sure thing who was too afraid to leave a love-less marriage. I suggest you get yourself into therapy which hopefully will help you to step out of denial about your 'affair.' Therapy might help you to take off the rose coloured glasses and make you realize what little value the 'relationship' actually had. Stolen moments with a guy that would take advantage of a lonely married woman is no prize. Now that you're actually free to be with him, he's no where wanting any of it. Its a harsh reality but hopefully it will help you to take him down off the pedestal you have placed him on, which in turn will help you to stop making your longing for him your best friend.

[Capricorn3]

I would like to request for the moderator to delete the thread.

Sorry, we don't delete threads.

 

I joined this forum because I thought people would be supportive and non-judgemental....

 

I'm sorry you didn't receive the answers you hoped to get but the vast majority of people don't support cheating and don't support you breaking up relationships.

All you're doing is thinking about yourself. Selfish. This guy is no prize either. He's already been cheating on his current girlfriend (with you), messing behind her back and then claims to "love her". Nice guy .... Not.

 

Time to start focusing on getting help for yourself to sort out all of your issues before even thinking about being in any relationship. Meantime, put this mess behind you and learn from it.

[lostandhurt]

Op,

 

There were no cruel words written to you, only the truth you did not want to hear. You have ignored honesty and respect for so long you are in a place I cannot imagine.

 

Just because you didn't get the answers you wanted probably means you were asking the wrong question.

 

How about this:

 

I cheated on my husband for 1 1/2 years and now my bf dumped me and I am all alone and need to learn how to recover from the life I have been living full of lies and betrayal. I am hoping to heal and become a better person and one day reconnect with the man I cheated on my husband with as I love him dearly.

 

That might type of question might help you get what you want instead of asking how to break up two people so you can have him to yourself.

 

Lost

[Playpretend]

Sometimes things happen in our lifes that are out of our control. He loves this girl now and theres not a thing you can do or say to change that. Once somebody loses feelings for you its very rare that they come back. I had an ex that cheated and treated me bad and I always was the one giving my all in that relationship while he didnt care. Until one day i moved on and met someone who treated me great and i loved very much. I got so many texts and phone calls from my ex pleading and begging saying how sorry he was to the point he was in tears (lol) but it was too late it was like someone just pressed an off switch and i felt nothing. I have sympathy for you because you are hurting but i promise you trying to chase him and get him back will only cause you to feel more and more rejected until youre completly drained and he will see you as weak and desperate. The best thing you can do is walk away with your dignity and take this as a learning experience. Get dressed up go out and meet new people. Stalking your exes relationship will only have leave you stuck and youll never get over it

[DanZee]

By the way, I think people are being non-judgmental in their comments. No one is saying you were bad for what you did. But your ship has sailed. Your boyfriend freaked out when he saw you in the state you were in when you were in the psych ward. He might have suspected something before that. But I think your state of mind and desperation, plus the crazy things you were saying caused him to accept the advances of this other woman. He waited until you were officially broken up, which I think says a lot for his loyalty to you. But he's with another girl. What advice can we give you? Tell you ways how you can break them up? Tell you how to get revenge? I think you should leave them alone. Look for someone else to love you. You did it once. You can do it again. And make sure you're getting help for your OCD.

[eldasensei]

Kinda a f***3dup story.

Sorry but I will not give someone advice that ignores doing the right thing.

[No1]

I guess I don't need anymore replies.

I would like to request for the moderator to delete the thread.

Thank you

 

Here is the answer to what you asked if you would win or get your X back.

 

Its not up to you anymore. It takes two people to be in a relationship and if one of them doesn't want to be in it, then its not going to happen. Your X affair let you go. There is nothing you can do or say to have him instantly see you as he did before. He is the one that has to see that on his own. If he wants you back, he will come back for you. If he doesn't, he wont.

What I have learned from my own and from others is that if you pursue someone that doesn't want you, they will go further and further away from you.

I know you are hurting but I think there are things that are much deeper and counseling will do you some good. Men are replaceable, your husband was replaceable, your X-affair can be replaced too. He is not the only man in the world who can make you feel what you need. But what you don't see is that you don't need a man to make you happy. Learn to love yourself and make yourself happy. Good luck to you

[figureitout23]

I'm going to be the lone wolf and say I don't think this is over. i mean judgement aside, I can't be the only one who noticed he's still sleeping with the OPer even though he has a new girlfriend. how 'in love' with her can he possibly be? Typically with these high drama high intensity situations neither is emotionally healthy so to infer that the man in this story is trying to live life right, yeah don't buy that for a second.

 

OPer, again I say, I don't think this is over, this seems to have been a roller coaster you both seemed to enjoy riding, you were probably more appealing to him as a married woman I'm sorry to say and now that you're single and at his mercy, hes probably going to keep you there dangling for a bit, like you did to him. I've had friends in these types of relationships, it's like a drug addiction. It's best you try to heal from this. One day at a time, you will pick up the pieces.

 

Good luck.