Dad is mad that I'm going on dates with...

[Capricorn3]

OP, it is clear that you're going to do what you want to do, no matter what anyone says. I hope we don't see a thread one day talking about how things didn't work out and what a huge disappointment it turned out to be. All I can say is, good luck.

[Batya33]

Nope. My husband adores his son and would do anything for him.

 

Absolutely same here. No difference, just difference in time spent because I was the full time parent the first 7 years and basically still am although I work part time. He spends as much time as possible with him and loves to spend as much time as possible as him.

 

OP I am not saying you shouldn't be friendly with him or acquainted or that he is a bad person in general - just that he's not a good match for you for a serious romantic relationship for the reasons I wrote about above.

[Batya33]

It's easy to make assumptions about a person you don't know. When my son was in his teens, he moved not far away to live with his father. Nobody can know the effect it had on me to live so close, to have to drive nearby and not be able to see my child. I pretty much had a breakdown over that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. I wondered how the hell people cope with giving kids up for adoption. If Id had to do that I would have killed myself. I ended up moving away for my own sanity because I could not cope with things like knowing my son had mumps or it was something like that and he was left alone all day. I wasn't allowed to look after him - as punishment for having been the sole custodial parent for most of that child's life. For the people who judge, don't imagine we are all alike or have had the same life experiences.

 

But you were barred from seeing him (and I am so very sorry about your situation) - this person is choosing to see them this amount. Also no one is judging him as a person -just responding to the OP's fathers' concerns with her being romantically involved with him. Big difference.

[Seraphim]

I was being sarcastic about giving you his email address. And yes, he is making sure his kids are being taken care of. He’s paying child support isn’t he? (If he wasn’t at least doing that, then fine I’d agree he was a bad father. He clearly isn’t.)

 

I get you were being sarcastic.

 

Children have needs beyond the physical. A child care payment covers the physical.

[Jibralta]

What do you expect him to do—-drive 14 hours back and forth from Massachusetts to Virginia 7 Days a week?

 

How about stay in Virginia and raise his kids.

[abitbroken]

Mike was suicidal last year because he wasn’t understanding how to do his job; he felt his children would be better off without him and even had a suicide plan. When his plan was found out he was talked down from the roof and rescued.

 

SO...dating a recently suicidal man is healthy...how?

 

His kids live 7 hours away. He says he sees them once a month and that’s it. (Maybe twice a month in the years to follow, he mentioned.) He also said when they get older they will probably FaceTime.

 

Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell—-Kate Hudson said she considers Kurt to be her father. (Even said she “doesn’t know her real father from a hole in the wall.”)

 

Abandoning one's children is not a sign of good character. No father who is safe for his kids to be around (no abuse, not in jail) would put up with seeing his children once a month.

 

Actually..I can see that from a mother’s point of view. But surely you agree the love between a child and father isn’t the same as a mother and child, yes?

 

“The books all say the same thing—-a mother becomes a mother when she becomes pregnant. A father becomes a father when he sees the baby.”

*~Thought provoking quote from the film Juno~*

 

Fathers love children just as fiercely and protectively as a mother would and in fact is protective of both the baby AND his wife. If that isn't true, then why is your father being protective of you? because he LOVES you fiercely. The biggest favor you can do is to stop paying attention to celebrities or movie quotes.

 

Also, because you are not neurotypical (and neither am I, btw), it could be that when dad met him he sensed some things about his behavior or character that you did not or refused to pick up on. A parent WANTS their child to be happy and to have good relationships. I know mine do, but dad wasn't born yesterday and may have sized this situation up quite accurately.

[catfeeder]

Ok, ok. I have some news. Mike told me today that there is another big reason why he divorced that he hasn’t told me yet, but said he wants to tell me tonight via FaceTime before we decide to go on any more dates. I’ll keep you all up to date.

 

What was the outcome of this?

[itsallgrand]

^yes im wondering what the news was he told you?

[midnightdeirdre]

^yes im wondering what the news was he told you?

He spied on his ex-wife without her knowledge and got in some trouble for it.

 

Sorry for the late reply; I actually didn't see these replies until now.

[midnightdeirdre]

SO...dating a recently suicidal man is healthy...how?.

He's not suicidal anymore. He got the help he needed and got better, as did I. (In fact, we both went through similar situations at the same time.)

 

Abandoning one's children is not a sign of good character. No father who is safe for his kids to be around (no abuse, not in jail) would put up with seeing his children once a month.

 

 

 

Fathers love children just as fiercely and protectively as a mother would and in fact is protective of both the baby AND his wife. If that isn't true, then why is your father being protective of you? because he LOVES you fiercely. The biggest favor you can do is to stop paying attention to celebrities or movie quotes.

 

Also, because you are not neurotypical (and neither am I, btw), it could be that when dad met him he sensed some things about his behavior or character that you did not or refused to pick up on. A parent WANTS their child to be happy and to have good relationships. I know mine do, but dad wasn't born yesterday and may have sized this situation up quite accurately.

My parents haven't met him.

[midnightdeirdre]

My mom told me this morning that Dad is very upset that I'm seeing Mike. I said to her, "We're enjoying our time together and we're not getting married!" She at least wanted me to assure that to Dad. Tonight Dad even said to me, "I hope you're not getting serious with this guy! He's married with 2 kids!" When I told him Mike is divorced, he said, "In the eyes of God he's still married." (Dad's very Roman Catholic.) My mom seems to be accepting of the situation, of course my dad isn't.

 

I told Dad Mike and I are just friends. Obviously that's not true. But I don't have much of a choice.

 

Mike and I agreed to be a couple in secret for a few months before going public with it. I really am enjoying my time with him.

[90_hour_sleep]

Does anyone actually know what the reasons for Mike not being a full-time father are? Do you know, Tulip?

 

I have a friend who was once in similar shoes. He battled with some serious mental health issues subsequent to his separation with his wife (and prior to). Despite his sincerest desire to be a fully present father, he wasn't capable for a period of time. After that period, he ran into a series of obstacles with the mother of his children. Some of them based on their relationship together. Some of them based on her concerns over his mental stability. Some of them to do with how much time she would allow him to spend (shared custody results in reduced or negated child support).

 

Anyway. I didn't read anywhere what his circumstances are. Maybe I missed it.

 

I think people are just encouraging you to go into this with your eyes open, Tulip. You don't know all the details yet. Mike has a past, and some baggage (who doesn't). Could be he's moved through some difficult times, and he'll be a better man for it. Hopefully that's the case.

Maybe he wants a more substantial role with his kids and he hasn't fully shared that with you. Who knows.

 

Lots of question marks. No one can live your life for you though.

 

Good luck :)

[Silverbirch]

Great post 90! All the best Tulip.

[midnightdeirdre]

Mike was suicidal shortly after he and his wife divorced. He almost went through with it but was rescued and got the help he needed. (Interestingly, I went through a similar situation around the same time.)

 

Thanks for feedback/encouragement. 🙂

[midnightdeirdre]

In case any of you are curious, Mike and I decided to stop seeing each other. I was getting sick of all the sneaking around and lying that we had to do. Also, I think deep down I also knew that dating a guy who is divorced with 2 kids would never work out in the long run/the end anyway.

 

Thanks however, for everyone who took the time to read and give feedback. :)

[ThatwasThen]

Very good. A right decision, Tulip.

[midnightdeirdre]

Very good. A right decision, Tulip.

Indeed. I was just remembering, he admitted to me that he & his ex-wife had their 2 children to save their marriage. Obviously that was wrong, lol.