Journal..

[sputnik123]

Dearest Carus,

 

Well, it's 2:30am and I won't be getting much sleep!

 

I don't plan on vanishing from here, come what may. This forum and it's amazing members have been invaluable to me, so I will stick around.

 

She messaged me with news of a family bereavement (I always got on well with him).

 

She started the message with "I know we are not talking at the minute...". To be honest, this really got to me.. she didn't once offer me an apology or explanation for what she did to me.. just left it for 3 months (perhaps forever, if it wasn't for this sad news). It then dawned on me that she is everything I don't want or need in a partner, moving forward. Maybe she genuinely has it in her head that she did nothing wrong.. who knows?

My mind was then made up.. I just have to let this go now. So, I responded that I remember him fondly, am very sorry for her loss, love to all and that I was not happy that the way things were done, in the end. I then said goodbye, knowing that she had gone. I am guessing she is still with this guy, don't know 100%, but to be honest, it could be anyone.. just not me.

I then blocked, for the first time ever. I have to let her go, once and for all.

[SweetGirl28]

Just an update..

 

She has reached out, with family news and I responded, out of courtesy.

 

I then said my final goodbye, as deep down I know she is not the person I should be with and it's gone.

 

It hurts so much that 3 years has ended like this (nothingness), but I know it's for the best and I need to truly move on.

 

Good night all and thanks for your input x

 

You are so amazingly strong to have done this.

I'm having goosebumps over here!

Stay strong, keep pushing forward. You've got this.

(((Hugs tightly)))

[Morello]

People say closure never comes from the ex, but from ourselves. This is a pretty good example.

 

I think the future will look clearer for you now! Good luck on your new journey.

[sputnik123]

Thanks guys, your support means alot.

 

The clock has now been reset to 1.. I don't plan on breaking it any time soon!

 

Hope everyone has a good day. :) x

[sputnik123]

"Day 1.."

 

The pain is very high at the moment.. it's strange, it feels like we have literally just broken up again.

 

I know that never contacting her from now is the right thing to do, but it feels like I am back a square 1.

 

I am further down the recovery path than it seems today, but WOW, this stings.

 

Have erased the phone numbers, to avoid any temptation.

 

You hold out a little hope in your heart for so long... then when something comes, it is terrible news and still delivered in the coldest manner.

 

Its strange, I got on so well with her family, even now, but she acts like I am nothing to her. I guess I'm not.

[Carus]

Hehe.... I know you're in pain buddy but I still just can't believe how you and I are riding in the same roller coaster cart despite being a world apart...

 

Anyway, welcome back to square one... I'll put the kettle on :-/

 

C*

[sputnik123]

I love you man.. you and others have made this significantly more bearable.

 

Will try and send some positivity later on!

 

S x

[Carus]

Positivity or not. Whatever you can muster ok buddy...

 

Rest up... We have a long ride ahead.... I'll saddle the horses*

 

C*

[SweetGirl28]

Use the vibe of her coldness to remind yourself she's not good to let back into your life, and let

it motivate you to find a woman who is caring, loving, and makes you a priority(your son also).

 

Had she been been receptive, sweet, funny, apologized, whatever.......the pain would be so much more intense.

Feels like she stirred up a little anger in you, which is better than you feeling that you want to run to her.

(((Hugs)))

[Piaresssss]

"Day 1.."

 

The pain is very high at the moment.. it's strange, it feels like we have literally just broken up again.

 

I know that never contacting her from now is the right thing to do, but it feels like I am back a square 1.

 

I am further down the recovery path than it seems today, but WOW, this stings.

 

Have erased the phone numbers, to avoid any temptation.

 

You hold out a little hope in your heart for so long... then when something comes, it is terrible news and still delivered in the coldest manner.

 

Its strange, I got on so well with her family, even now, but she acts like I am nothing to her. I guess I'm not.

 

This hits very close to home my man. I know that exact feeling you have. Like the stiches have been ripped off and the ex is just poking at the wound.

 

Im proud of you for deleting the phone number. I too was guilty of constantly checking the profile picture to see any change and it was doing me no good. I haven't blocked my ex as i dont feel the need to but good on you for taking that step.

 

Proud of the way you have handled everything that has come your way Sputnik. You are an inspiration.

[sputnik123]

Thanks Sweets, Carus, Morello and Piaresssss etc. today. It means so much to have you all here with me.

 

Well, I finally got the answer re. the unblocking, 4 days later.. she was waiting to announce the death to me? maybe she thought I would reach out earlier (which I didn't).

 

I was sympathetic in my response, but I definitely made it clear that any further contact was not desired. Perhaps I got slightly giddy when the message came in and surprised myself with the bluntness. Alot of pent up frustration inside me. Can't take it back now..

 

It's done now and I don't plan on any contact again (as I didn't before.. so should really be easier now). I guess it was ended at a nice, round 60 days.. Still haven't actually seen her or heard her voice, no checking media etc (except that WA pic - which is probably now changed to her and her beau.. lol).

 

Today was very tough, primarily due to not sleeping and having a difficult day with work. Couldn't concentrate at all..

 

It still infuriates me that her opening comment on initial contact after over 2 months was "I know we aren't talking any longer"..) Not even a "hi" or "how is your son etc".. yes, she is grieving for a grandparent, but come on...maybe I am being naive..

 

As ever, the advice from you guys is spot on.. I can use her ways as extra motivation to fully put this behind me.

 

It's strange, sometimes we get so immersed in our NC cocoon, we almost forget there is a whole world out there carrying on (along with the ex too)... Boy, as soon as I was unblocked, we all knew the NC's days were practically numbered! A part of me thought not to respond, but I liked this guy, I couldn't let it go unsaid.

 

Feel slightly better this evening.. my situation hasn't really changed.. I didn't want her before the contact and I don't want her now. Yes, sadly I'm still very hurt, but it will pass, eventually.

 

I will end tonight's musings on this note.. on the way back from school run my son asks me a question (perfectly summing up my last 24 hours/60 days)

 

"Daddy, is TIME our friend or foe?".. Diplomatically, I said "both, son, both".

 

 

Thanks again, friends x

[Morello]

It still infuriates me that her opening comment on initial contact after over 2 months was "I know we aren't talking any longer"..) Not even a "hi" or "how is your son etc".. yes, she is grieving for a grandparent, but come on...maybe I am being naive..

Thanks again, friends x

 

Don't let this get to you, my friend. I mean, she was probably reluctant to get in touch after so long... In reality, everyone has their limitations, anxieties, every day problems, etc. We're all dealing with hard stuff on a daily basis. She's going through a hard time now. Sometimes people act in crappy way with us not because they're cold or indifferent. Sometimes they are sad too, as much or even more than we are. Have a bit of empathy too.

 

Try to remove the negativity from your thoughts. Wish her well. You were together for 3 years so she has qualities and probably made you happy during that time. In the end it didn't work out, but it doesn't make her a terrible person. People do stupid things when there are feelings involved, we all do.

 

It was not a waste of time, not at all. See, my last 'relationship' was amazing, but lasted 3 months only. I wish I could've been that happy for longer, even knowing it would end at some point. I miss her greatly. You should remember your ex for all the times she made you happy, not the last bit when things weren't working out and she acted the way she did. Some people say that in break ups is when you finally get to know the real person. I tend to disagree... Break ups are a difficult time, plenty of emotions, easy to do the wrong thing. The real person is the one you spent 3 years with, not the one who's been acting cold to you in the last 2 or 3 months since the BU.

 

Trying to move on thinking your ex is the worst person on the face of earth can help in the moment, but won't do you good in the long term. The more you're stuck with anger towards her the longer it will take your healing. Remember, anger and resentment do much worse for us then who we are feeling it towards. Just not worthy... It's probably ok to feel angry for a bit, but don't get stuck with it for too long.

 

Thanks for your your nice words too my friend. Great community here.

[sputnik123]

Thanks Morello,

 

I appreciate the response, as always.

 

Just struggling with the finality of it now. I surprised myself with blocking. This NC may be more difficult than before but I need to find the earlier determination.

 

Yes, I have anger towards her, but I also have it to myself too. There were so many red flags and signals I chose to ignore, which could have made this alot easier.

 

Thanks again buddy.

[dave4443]

Think of it as a good step, deep down you've wanted her to get in touch and she did, but you responded like this in a moment of clarity which shows how you really feel towards her after what she's done which is great! You got through the horrible rose tinted glasses for a moment and eventually that will be how you feel all the time, you're on the right path

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Sputnik, Carus and everyone feeling pain from a breakup. All of us here have been through it. My breakup that got me here a couple if years ago was a lot like this. I felt like I was having a breakdown, and bawled my eyes out, and I mean BAWLED, every day for 4 months. He contacted me about 10 months later - obviously it hadn't worked out as he had hoped with my replacement. By that time, I had moved on. That was a few years ago, but it feels like a lifetime ago. I've had another relationship since then, with another goodbye. I'm okay though. There are always a couple silly ones interested, but right now, I don't want any of that. Sometimes I feel too old for this. Then Im constantly surprised to see these days that there are people in their 70s dating and falling in love. I'm not quite there yet, but it just gies to show ya! Xxxx

[sputnik123]

Thanks Dave! So helpful as always :)

 

It's quite remarkable the emotional impact one "innocent" piece of contact can make, albeit (hopefully) temporarily! It had been 2 months of reasonable progress.

 

Thanks Silverbirch - love the pic by the way! Crying for 4 months must have been truly exhausting.. I have cried maybe 4 or 5 times in the 3 months since b/up, but often get that pit of stomach ache..

 

They do usually contact for one reason or another, don't they...

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks Morello,

 

I appreciate the response, as always.

 

Just struggling with the finality of it now. I surprised myself with blocking. This NC may be more difficult than before but I need to find the earlier determination.

 

Yes, I have anger towards her, but I also have it to myself too. There were so many red flags and signals I chose to ignore, which could have made this alot easier.

 

Thanks again buddy.

 

Please do not get angry at yourself! The past is the past, it can't be undone.

You ignored red flags...ok. We all have. Why? Because we chose to. Because we loved the person.

Because we had hope, care, concern, good times. It's all a part of your journey, which has not ended yet.

Each day is a new opportunity, a new start, a new chance to get to where you feel yourself again.

Now if you want to feel anger towards her, by all means go ahead. ill be angry at her too, for hurting you

and your son! So there (trying to make you smile lol)

[sputnik123]

Thanks Sweets,

 

You literally never fail to put a smile on my face.. it's such a wonderful quality to have. It's infectious!

 

Today was a better day.

 

Any exciting plans for the weekend? ;p x

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks Sweets,

 

You literally never fail to put a smile on my face.. it's such a wonderful quality to have. It's infectious!

 

Today was a better day.

 

Any exciting plans for the weekend? ;p x

 

Yes, tomorrow night need to break the news to my friend that her BF is active on a dating site, I've agreed

to go on a date Saturday with a litigation attorney from NYC , I'm keeping it limited to two hours so I can

bail if need be, lol. I'm ready to date, just hard to find that spark again! Maybe I'll feel something......

 

Glad to hear today was better for you! And that I can make you smile. My day is complete now haha

What are your plans? I really wish you and I lived in the same vicinity, we could have so much fun !

[sputnik123]

Hey Sweets,

 

I'm surprised you are struggling to find that spark... You seem the ideal woman!

 

Oh wow, a Litigation attorney.. at least if you get into trouble, he can help you out

 

Did I hear that you are Italian.. I went out with an Italian girl once.. she was very fiery!

 

You should come over the U.K.. remember our special relationship!

 

Having a spring clean this weekend.. then shopping and a meal out on Sunday.

 

S x

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks :) I don't connect easily, but I do with friendship! Go figure lol

 

Luckily I don't seem to get into trouble that requires a lawyer, but I do know people he could be of

assistance to!

 

I am Italian, my dad was straight off the banana boat at 9 years old onto Ellis Island in New York.

I married and divorced an Italian. Don't really care to be with anymore, but I'll see how it goes.

I prefer the term "passionate" as opposed to fiery! We can be a little temperamental , but the

making up is soooo worth it(wink wink)

 

How's things going with your female friend? I'd love to get over there to visit you! We could have

so much fun! Does it ever get warm there? I can't leave cold to go to cold, lol.

 

I love cleaning stuff out. Everything's feels so clean and organized after. I'd even help you if I was there.

I hope you enjoy your dinner Sunday :welcoming:

[sputnik123]

"How's things going with your female friend? I'd love to get over there to visit you! We could have

so much fun! Does it ever get warm there? I can't leave cold to go to cold, lol."

 

Hey Sweets, I love talking to you.. it's so refreshing!

 

Yes, she knows about my "set-back" last week. She is already quite protective of me and found it strange that I was even contacted out of the blue after so long. I guess that 2 months is not very long after a 3 year r/s though? We are meeting up tomorrow.. my son gets on great with her.

 

Yes, on with the sort out.. will be back online later to check in on things and also find out how the main man *Carus got on!

 

Have a great day xxx

[SweetGirl28]

It isn't strange in the least that she contacted you, although she could have had someone else do it

to break the news. She most likely felt you'd want to know so that if you wanted to attend services, you could.

No contact for two months after three years is not that long.

But anyway, she left you with an angry feeling, so best to leave her blocked and go on with life.

 

I hope you enjoy today, and have fun with her and your son tomorrow

[sputnik123]

Hey all,

 

I won't bother putting which day NC count it is this time around.. will only mention the NC date if I have a complete brain-freeze and reach out to her for any reason, or see her it's really not on my agenda! (*there is an upcoming evening event planned with a (ex) mutual friend in 3 weeks' time, which I am dreading, but cannot get out of).

 

Thank you dearly for all your support and advice this week. It's been very challenging! At times, it was just like we had just split up, although it's now been 3 and a half months, all told. It's incredible what impact one message can have, especially with one involving such sad news.

Sweets, you have a point, but I think me blocking straight after would have ruled myself out of an invite to services.. It's for the best and I had a drink for him last night, to say goodbye, in my head.

 

Have woken up at 5am on the dot (my alarm is set for 6am) for the last 3 days.. which is strange.

 

The fun doesn't stop here.. tomorrow I actually get to see my ex-wife in person for the first time in 15 months, for a meeting regarding our son, believe it or not. Now that is what you call No Contact! (we have been messaging for the last 2 months, but that's it, there was zero direct contact beforehand). I know that she has been testing the waters regarding a reconciliation, since my recent break-up, as a route back to our now ancient history and an imaginary "happy family", but it simply cannot happen.

 

My emotions are definitely heightened at the moment. In the bath this morning, listening to music, as is my thing, I find myself uncontrollably crying for about 10 minutes. I just let it go.. It has obviously been building up for quite a while. Apart from when something actually happened, the break up conversation, finding out about her "update" 2 months ago, this was the first time I had broken down. For the next 30 minutes or so afterwards I felt strangely euphoric.. ,like I could take on the world.

 

As is clear, I am still hurting very much over this. Yes, there are times when I am genuinely quite happy and can see a great future ahead of me. I am ruminating over what she did and whilst I had processed much of it, a set back at some point was inevitable, i guess.

 

I had a nice day out today, but had so much going on in my head, my new potential love interest knew I was abit preoccupied. She told me she loved me. I am just not ready for it all yet. I have always been an all or nothing kinda guy. She is very special to me though and we have been honest with each other from Day 1.

 

Will try update tomorrow night, with the ex-wife developments (nervous as hell over it, as the shift in the relationship has changed so much over the years, now with her doing the chasing).. that is another path i should refuse to ever go down again.

 

I hope everyone continues to heal, any which way they can.

 

 

S x

[SweetGirl28]

Good luck seeing your ex wife tomorrow! I hope you feel at ease with it.

The new girl, uh oh. What a dilemma you have! Now both are after you!

 

Seems we both cried this weekend. I feel worse today than last night, was fine while I was out with my

daughter but now I'm feeling emotional again. I didn't sleep well so being tired doesn't help lol.