Journal..

[pippy longstocking]

It's all very well walking away from me (straight into the welcoming arms of another), but she did it to my son too, without so much of a goodbye

 

oh sput I hear this one loud and clear ...... infact that aspect of a relationship ending is what motivated me to stay single after my last split .... my daughter ... there was no way in hell I was letting her get close to another man again , especially as her father doesn't want to know ..

 

When they leave your children without a goodbye as well and you are left to pick up the pieces of everything , it really does fk with your head .

 

When Carus started his journal thread , I had a dream about Prince Harry lolololol he dumped me f.f.s ... and two weeks later it was all over tv and every available media outlet that he was getting married , I did chuckle and think ..ahh that's why he dumped me then . Anyway that's nothing to do with anything really , cept you mentioned dreams ... yes it is a bugger when you are so far dow the road of healing and acceptance and they appear in your dream world ( how dare they)

[Carus]

yes it is a bugger when you are so far down the road of healing and acceptance and they appear in your dream world ( how dare they)

lol...I know right?

 

Hope you're gettin' along Sputnik*....I know you are....

 

In your next update I would love to hear less about your ex and more about what you are doing to be pro-active with your healing....

 

Guess I better update my thread so you can get your daily fix...lol...>>

[sputnik123]

Hey Carus,

 

I will update fully when I get home, I promise

 

As always, you are right though, I need to discuss MY healing process more and her alot less.

 

Feel my thoughts regressing slightly in the last couple of days. I think it's sleep related. My NYD dream freaked me out a little.

 

I won't break on NC. I just can't.

 

Thinking of anyone in pain today.. It can hurt like hell.

 

S x

[Carus]

I won't break on NC.

I know you wont buddy....

 

As for her breaking it eventually, I'm not 100% on that...especially when her now relationship starts running into problems. That seems to be the norm....

 

She probably won't come begging for you back straight away, but you had 3 years with that woman...and she cannot forget that....

 

You also know what NC can do to a persons memories....

 

If and when that time comes, you will know what to do....

 

In the meantime: Ever Forward Brether*

 

Talk Soon

Carus*

[sputnik123]

Hi everyone,

 

As always, I really appreciate all the time taken to read this thread, encourage, support and help me on this journey so far.

 

It is unbelievably heartening that people are so willing to be there for others in their time of need.

 

Just a brief overview at this stage, it's now 3 months today since being dumped by text. Spent a week or so afterwards in complete denial of the situation trying to work things out, to no avail.

 

With hindsight, this must have really put the final nail in the coffin and she had detached herself from me for a couple of weeks at least (she went AWOL at weekends etc.), but at the time I really felt like I needed to remind her how I felt.

 

Very light contact from both sides up to 49 Days ago (exactly 7 weeks ago, she went public (although "hidden" from me) on fb in a relationship (with someone I know, also a fb "friend"). As it was all then official, it became clear that it all started at the time of the split, probably even slightly before. This I will never know. I called her out on all her dishonesty with a (very short) unanswered e-mail the night I found out. Perhaps the e-mail was wrong (was not abusive at all), I just wanted her to know that I knew.

I have been complete NC since. No seeing her, no e-mails, no texts, no talking to her family or mutual friends, no social media glances - nothing. I have needed that distance so badly. I am so grateful to the people that have supported me on this. A few times a while ago, I have thought "what the heck", I will just say "hi. etc".. how could she forget our 3 years together so easily...then I remember, I am not into emotional self-harming. I will not buckle and then have to explain myself to both me and the wonderful people on here! I am quite surprised I have made it this far.. we live in the same small town (but I have only lived there for practically the duration of our relationship, so nearly everywhere is a memory of us) and for much of the time it still feels very fresh.

 

Aside from the journaling, which has been invaluable, I am a full-time single-father, so this has kept me loved, strengthened, enlightened and heartened. Without my son in the equation who knows what would have happened?! I always need to remind myself that she walked out of his life too and never looked back.

I also work full-time (half of the week at home, half at an office), so this obviously keeps me busy and fairly contented. Everyone has bills to pay right?

 

Whilst not playing with my boy at home, I love to get lost in music and films.. you need to be careful to steer clear of triggers though.. there are many films or songs that can really put your mind back on the ex.. music though can be exceptionally enjoyable and has definitely helped.

I also have a keen interest in a wide range of sports, so my interests are quite varied. Thinking back, me and my ex had so little in common, except for the time we actually spent together. That was our bond.

I met her when I had just split with my wife and she had recently had got her heartbroken too (she sure got me "back", in stunning fashion...although, the revenge was to me, not her ex who had ghosted her) That fateful Day -49 was unreal pain initially.. it literally took my breath away that she could keep this from me and tell me lie after lie.

 

Generally I am eating well and am definitely taking care of myself and what I eat (it also helps as I have another little mouth to feed too!). I have definitely lost weight and people even started remarking at an early stage post b/up that I look in better shape for it. I am now quite slim and i do feel healthy, which is a massive plus. I don't go to the gym as such, but I do an awful lot of walking and the occasional run.

 

Sleeping was extremely tough at first, but bar the occasional issue (New Years Day!) it has definitely improved of late. I used to think going to bed earlier may help to try and get a full night's sleep, but my strategy these days is to stay up until I am more tired and let nature run it's course! Trying to sleep with happier thoughts in my head, my son, my plans for our future, potential days out etc. If you go to bed thinking of the ex, there is a much greater chance the dreams/nightmares will follow.

 

My thoughts of any potential reconciliation are now less than zero.. far too much has happened and I would not subject myself or my son to someone like this in our lives. Yes, it still hurts like hell sometimes and to be honest, I am not sure why (she doesn't deserve it). I was naively expecting at least some kind of apology. I'm not even sure she would know how to approach contact now anyway. The damage is irreparable and we both know it. She was also probably the most stubborn person I ever met. Many people called her selfish.. looking back they were all so right.. I guess love really is blind.

 

One positive outcome to all this is that I still have no issues with talking to females and get on great with many I meet. Have got quite close to a good friend at work, so let's see what develops from that in the future. My healing and path to recovery was never about getting the ex back or worrying about my self esteem, as such, it is about being able to fully process what happened and being able to truly move on in my mind.

 

Looking back, I was so naive in the early stages, expecting contact and some sort of reasoning... life is simply not like that sometimes.

 

Sorry about the lengthy post.. it just occurred to me earlier that it has now been 3 months. Time flies when we are post break-up

 

I hope everyone is getting where they need to be.

 

There are many amazing people here.

 

S xxx

[Piaresssss]

Time does fly indeed post break up buddy.

 

You are so right about the amazing people on here but don't forget you are one of them too.

 

I know i wouldn't be as far along as I am with out you, Carus, Sweetgirl, Pippy and Boltnrun just to name a few.

 

I dont want you to forget how much you helped me when i really needed it.

[sputnik123]

Thanks Piaresssss.

 

You are a superstar and don't let anyone tell you otherwise :)

 

I appreciate all your support mate!

[SweetGirl28]

You're in a seemingly good place with this, however reading between the lines of what you wrote,

I'm sensing a bit of anger from you. Thats okay, it's the part I'd love to stay in indefinitely, lol

 

Three years thrown away won't heal in three months , but time does bring you closer to closure.

I do the same as you with music, though I had to change all my preset stations in my car and delete

most of my song list from my Spotify account. After hearing from the ex again, I'm slowly able to

re-add stations and songs I love, while also being able to not think about him every single time.

We went to a lot of concerts together, plus sent songs to one another, so changing my taste in music was a

challenge. I discovered I love what I love, and needed to deal with it. Music is life!

 

I'm glad you have your son to pull you through also. Focus on him. Kids are such a beautiful distraction

from heartache. Being a full time single mom(though my daughter is 14) has challenges but my goodness

can she get me out of a funk and make me laugh so hard I cry! You're doing great, remember just because

our kids may not say anything, they are watching us and learning, and they know when we are hurting.

Let him be your driving force to stay strong.

 

I was just like you, expecting an apology. Never got one. Not even after he started contacting me again.

Why is that? Who knows. Don't care now. You won't either one day. She was cowardly to break up with you

in a text after three years.

 

Be careful with getting close with other females . Don't cloud your judgement.

I know you men are able to move forward more easily because it's more of a physical

bond hook up with (haha) but protect your heart until you are ready to really get out there.

Sure, someone can keep the empty spot in your bed warm, but you deserve so much more

than that, as does your son. I'm not implying you would do this,I'm just being a friend :)

[sputnik123]

Hey Sweetgirl,

 

I really appreciate your input and support. It means so much. :)

 

You are spot on, as ever. There is alot of anger there. She knew what she did and left me completely high and dry (yes, many people would say that's a blessing in disguise, but that's the main reason for the pain, the nothingness that quickly arrived at my door).

 

It has taken alot to surpress that anger and use it more as a motivator, rather than doing anything negative, which may set me back, or show how much that it bothers me. As I said, geographically, she is constantly in close proximity to me.

 

I'm obsessed with spotify.. in the house, the car, on way to work, the bath.. everywhere! lol :)

 

Yes, having a child with you helps put everything in perspective. The nights can be quite lonely, but there are so many wonderful times too.

 

"remember just because our kids may not say anything, they are watching us and learning, and they know when we are hurting.

Let him be your driving force to stay strong".

 

- That is so true. He is so observant and I have needed to make sure that, although he knew what happened, he was not affected in any way. He has also stated he prefers things without her. If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is!

 

"I was just like you, expecting an apology. Never got one. Not even after he started contacting me again."

 

- How long before he reached out, out of curiosity?

 

I will take your kind advice and definitely take my time with my next move. The girl at work, who I have been good friends with for a long time, has recently made her intentions and feelings clear, but she knows my situation, so in the future, who knows? For now, i'll concentrate on healing.

[Piaresssss]

Music is a life saver.

 

Whats you genre of choice and favourite song?

 

The one that is getting me through is Moving On by Asking Alexandria but ill pretty much listen to anything, so recommendations 😁

 

This girl at work. Two amazing positives you can take from it. You got it going on and you have made a healthy emotional choice. Both great things.

[sputnik123]

Hey Piaresssss,

 

It truly is.. I'm mainly into indie/ rock and alternative bands; Coldplay, Radiohead, Editors, Stereophonics, BRMC, Oasis etc. Just got tickets to the 'Phonics gig in March, so that will be great.

 

I also love Ben Howard.. I find his music really talks to me.

 

Growing up, my parents got me into Dire Straits, Clapton, Hendrix, Kate Bush, Roxy Music, Springsteen, things like that, so fairly varied

 

Wow, even picking 3 songs of all time would be tough! "Layla" by Clapton would be up there, Strawberry Swing by Coldplay, Sultans of Swing by DS.. That could be it.. maybe Let Down by Radiohead sneaks in too

 

You can probably tell though, I'm not really one for Happy, shiny music.. lool

 

"This girl at work. Two amazing positives you can take from it. You got it going on and you have made a healthy emotional choice. Both great things."

 

- haha, thanks mate.. That's another strange thing.. my son tends to help add potential interest in me much of the time.. yet for my ex gf, the situation seemed to be always be a hindrance to her.. definitely not the one for me.. she was just renting my "space" for a while!

 

It's funny how the world operates...

[Carus]

Once again our journeys are running similar paths....

 

When my anger started to (finally) kick in last week, I took that as a real positive sign....

 

Anger is a stage of grieving so by arriving at anger shows that we are indeed moving through the process....Yay!

 

Yeh, I set up my stereo the other day with thoughts of maybe selling it off....Basically as soon as I put on some music from days gone by I was like 'No way am I selling it!' :)

 

I've been cranking it so hard I actually went down to check if there's anyone living in the apartment below me lol

 

Thankfully not yet so Turn. It. Up! :)

 

C*

[SweetGirl28]

Hey Sweetgirl,

 

I really appreciate your input and support. It means so much. :)

 

You are spot on, as ever. There is alot of anger there. She knew what she did and left me completely high and dry (yes, many people would say that's a blessing in disguise, but that's the main reason for the pain, the nothingness that quickly arrived at my door).

 

It has taken alot to surpress that anger and use it more as a motivator, rather than doing anything negative, which may set me back, or show how much that it bothers me. As I said, geographically, she is constantly in close proximity to me.

 

I'm obsessed with spotify.. in the house, the car, on way to work, the bath.. everywhere! lol :)

 

Yes, having a child with you helps put everything in perspective. The nights can be quite lonely, but there are so many wonderful times too.

 

"remember just because our kids may not say anything, they are watching us and learning, and they know when we are hurting.

Let him be your driving force to stay strong".

 

- That is so true. He is so observant and I have needed to make sure that, although he knew what happened, he was not affected in any way. He has also stated he prefers things without her. If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is!

 

"I was just like you, expecting an apology. Never got one. Not even after he started contacting me again."

 

- How long before he reached out, out of curiosity?

 

I will take your kind advice and definitely take my time with my next move. The girl at work, who I have been good friends with for a long time, has recently made her intentions and feelings clear, but she knows my situation, so in the future, who knows? For now, i'll concentrate on healing.

 

He broke up with me July 23rd, no contact for two weeks after me blowing up his phone with texts! Very angry texts! Lol

Then I saw him at a concert(two weeks after) his friends were cat calling me, I was ignoring it but he made contact.

One heavy make out night, thought things were gonna be fixed---nope. He went silent on me again.

So three weeks later I saw him again, best night ever. Seemed he was coming around, but unsure.

Then he went silent again. Two weeks after, September 9th, that was an awful night. It was another concert

(Mind you we were not attending these together, we just both had season tickets to them). His female friends

hate me, he was drunk, I was pretty tipsy myself, but was trying to ignore him. He came up and was

awful to me, bad mouthing me to my friends, his friends, made me cry. Left me standing there in the lot

in tears. I was done at that point. Unfortunately my friends really made it bad because they annoyed him there

to no end, after I repeatedly asked them to leave him and his friends alone. I felt so betrayed, I wasn't trying to even

be with him, and they were like "she loves you, she deserves another chance, she's hurting", blah blah...ughhhhhh

 

The next day I sent him a text apologizing and asked if we could talk so I could explain that night. Dead silence.

So that night I sent a text saying something along the lines of "ok, I'm out. Thank you for everything,

I wish the best for you, your son, your granddaughter, and I hope you find what it is you're looking for.

I'm not angry, this is sincere". Dead silence. I deleted his number and all pics, etc that night.

 

So that was Sept. 10th I sent those, he text me Nov. 26th. I'd say the contact since has been equal,

texts here and there, long conversations too, but no meet ups nor talk of the past or a future lol.

The only offer made was leading at FWB which I declined. I blocked him now, he wants me as a

sometimes play toy/ sext buddy or whatever. I don't need that. I follow my gut feelings anyway, and right now

my gut tells me he is involved with someone and so I'm fine having NC.

 

He's 53, I don't understand why he needs to play around with my emotions, as I'm quite younger and

a mom, like have some degree of respect for me! I guess it's partly my fault, being very open sexually

and trusting him completely to share that with him was probably a mistake, because I think he just

viewed me as a sex object and never really anything more. We shared a lot and got extremely close

very quickly, and met friends, etc but still there was that part of him that I feel never saw me as the

type to commit to. He had made a comment "you remind me of my ex wife. The one all the guys want.

I don't want that again, I already had that". That ripped my heart out. I'm 100% trustworthy and

not a cheater, why would I cheat when I'm looking for mutual respect? So there was nothing I could do.

It's done, over, move on. I already wasted over a year, not going to go backwards now!

 

So, my dear....this girl!! What are her intentions? My inquiring mind needs to know!!

I truly believe the best relationships start as friendships. Getting to know the person

without the pressure of a relationship is the best! Being friends first can make a

relationship really strong because the feelings of comfort , trust, and security have already begun :)

[sputnik123]

Wow Sweetgirl, that's quote a post b/up journey you are travelling on! Sure sounds more interesting than my (and her) NC marathon! lol

 

Noting that you remember all of those contact dates so clearly.. he must have really had a pull on you? I'm glad you are finally shot of him.

 

You so did the right thing blocking and declining any of his "offers" - you are so much better than that!!

 

"He's 53, I don't understand why he needs to play around with my emotions, as I'm quite younger and

a mom, like have some degree of respect for me!"

 

Some people are just horrible i'm afraid.. if you ever have doubt about someone, go with gut instinct. I have truly learned that now.

 

Sooo, this girl.. I known her for many years... we both married other people, then both got divorced.. always been very good friends.. we now work together, believe it or not!

 

Since my break-up we have talked alot and a few weeks ago she told me she has always wanted more, but the timing was never right for us, which is true.

 

It's unusual for me, as (wrongly) I have tended to base a relationship primarily on physical attraction. Yes, it is important, but having a firm basis of friendship and mutual understanding and respect (and yes, trust) is so crucial to a healthy relationship too as well! I am open to it in the future, but she knows the story and that my son, comes first.

 

We are spending time together and we shall see what happens.

[SweetGirl28]

Wow Sweetgirl, that's quote a post b/up journey you are travelling on! Sure sounds more interesting than my (and her) NC marathon! lol

 

Noting that you remember all of those contact dates so clearly.. he must have really had a pull on you? I'm glad you are finally shot of him.

 

You so did the right thing blocking and declining any of his "offers" - you are so much better than that!!

 

"He's 53, I don't understand why he needs to play around with my emotions, as I'm quite younger and

a mom, like have some degree of respect for me!"

 

Some people are just horrible i'm afraid.. if you ever have doubt about someone, go with gut instinct. I have truly learned that now.

 

Sooo, this girl.. I known her for many years... we both married other people, then both got divorced.. always been very good friends.. we now work together, believe it or not!

 

Since my break-up we have talked alot and a few weeks ago she told me she has always wanted more, but the timing was never right for us, which is true.

 

It's unusual for me, as (wrongly) I have tended to base a relationship primarily on physical attraction. Yes, it is important, but having a firm basis of friendship and mutual understanding and respect (and yes, trust) is so crucial to a healthy relationship too as well! I am open to it in the future, but she knows the story and that my son, comes first.

 

We are spending time together and we shall see what happens.

 

I have an amazing memory when it comes to dates. I can remember every time we got together, including the

date I first had sex with him, omg. Oddly enough, I remember the date I met my first love too, the date he officially

asked me out, and the date we officially ended things, and that was many many years ago! Lol

 

He was always great, the end, not so much. And now? Pffftttt........he can go pound rocks haha.

 

Back to you, and this girl. I'm feeling something promising is gonna develop with this!

I hear you about the physical attraction, same with me. I've just learned to be more careful now

because I've made bad choices. I do hope you heal , though I know you have a ways to go, and

that if you can see this girl in your future, that it works out for you :)

[sputnik123]

Thanks SG>.. you are the best

 

My last 2 choices have been abysmal, to be honest, but I have learned so much, and of course, got my wonderful son from the first relationship of the 2.

 

I do have a way to go. Had a horrible dream last night.. woke up thinking we were still together (the last ex)! Then I noticed the huge empty expanse on the other side of the bed! lol

 

Day 51 NC (sheepishly holds up bat, and points it towards the pavilion)..

 

Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

 

Ever forwards!

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks SG>.. you are the best

 

My last 2 choices have been abysmal, to be honest, but I have learned so much, and of course, got my wonderful son from the first relationship of the 2.

 

I do have a way to go. Had a horrible dream last night.. woke up thinking we were still together (the last ex)! Then I noticed the huge empty expanse on the other side of the bed! lol

 

Day 51 NC (sheepishly holds up bat, and points it towards the pavilion)..

 

Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

 

Ever forwards!

 

Ugh, those dreams! Don't I know it! You either awaken saying "darn, couldn't I finish that with 5 more minutes

of sleep" or " thank goodness it was just a dream" lol. The huge empty bed, yeah..... mine needs filling too haha.

 

Are you thinking of her before going to sleep? Keep your thoughts elsewhere, like on fantasizing about

the other girl I'm soooooo bad!!!!

[sputnik123]

Soo, it's Day 52 Full NC and I am now Mr. Angry, it seems.. lol

 

Not sure what has happened but I pretty much woke up with a deep sense of anger inside and it's been unshakeable all day.

 

L.I.N.G.E.R.I.N.G

 

I really need a good night sleep, write today off, reboot for tomorrow and start in a positive mindset.

 

She will not get me to act on this. She is not worth it.

 

Love to all the kind folks here. xxx

[SweetGirl28]

Soo, it's Day 52 Full NC and I am now Mr. Angry, it seems.. lol

 

Not sure what has happened but I pretty much woke up with a deep sense of anger inside and it's been unshakeable all day.

 

L.I.N.G.E.R.I.N.G

 

I really need a good night sleep, write today off, reboot for tomorrow and start in a positive mindset.

 

She will not get me to act on this. She is not worth it.

 

Love to all the kind folks here. xxx

 

I personally loved the anger stage. Unfortunately, it doesn't last.

When the depression phase kicks in, it's full force misery :(

 

Hang in there. 52 days sounds like a long time, but it isn't. You'll get through.

Be aware the turning point may happen in the next few weeks that you'll want to reach out.

We will all be here to help you through it.

 

Sweet dreams luv :)

[sputnik123]

Thanks SweetGirl.

 

A really appreciate your help.

 

Have a great day! :) x

[dave4443]

Good luck man! Anger stage was definitely the best the depression stage after it was when I caved and contacted my ex which even though it's against advice helped me to move on quicker rather than be stuck with those horrible what if feelings.

Just know you'll get through It! It gets so much easier and the stages last less and less time as you go through them, and just know you'll find someone much better probably sooner than you think

[sputnik123]

You guys are good..

 

I feel like I need an emergency insert here!

 

Yesterday I felt like screaming and shouting at the top of my voice.. today I have this unbearable sadness all over me. Can it really happen that quick??

 

I know she has gone forever and it feels like it has just hit me like a train. Feel like crying for the first time in months. No tears yet.

 

Deleted the phone number and the "back-up". The only way of contacting would be home or work.. I'm not going to be that person! Not now, not ever.

 

My thoughts really go out to people who still have hope on their situation.. this is to come and it's tough, but will get through it :(

[dave4443]

Yeah it can happen that quick it's strange, I felt amazing one day then the next I was depressed all day and cried for the first time in montbs then suddenly around 5 I felt amazing again haha. The brain is a weird place, just think back to how you felt right at the start and you'll be able to tell even though it doesn't feel like it it has gotten much better

[SweetGirl28]

Good luck man! Anger stage was definitely the best the depression stage after it was when I caved and contacted my ex which even though it's against advice helped me to move on quicker rather than be stuck with those horrible what if feelings.

Just know you'll get through It! It gets so much easier and the stages last less and less time as you go through them, and just know you'll find someone much better probably sooner than you think

 

Same happened to me. When he contacted me, the anger lifted, all the emotions let loose.

Then he started with his little game playing, and I realized NC was better! Lol

[SweetGirl28]

You guys are good..

 

I feel like I need an emergency insert here!

 

Yesterday I felt like screaming and shouting at the top of my voice.. today I have this unbearable sadness all over me. Can it really happen that quick??

 

I know she has gone forever and it feels like it has just hit me like a train. Feel like crying for the first time in months. No tears yet.

 

Deleted the phone number and the "back-up". The only way of contacting would be home or work.. I'm not going to be that person! Not now, not ever.

 

My thoughts really go out to people who still have hope on their situation.. this is to come and it's tough, but will get through it :(

 

I'm sorry! (((Hugs))))

Reach out to friends or family if you find yourself wanting to dial those numbers.

Fill your mind with the negative aspects, and repeat to yourself why you shouldn't call.

What you're feeling is normal. Some days are tough, it's okay to get weak. We are here for you :)