Journal..

[sputnik123]

Day 20 NC...

 

I hope you are all enjoying your day.

 

It has dawned on me just how quickly the last 2 months since the B/U have passed me by. I no longer anticipate any sort of contact from her, ever. No doubt I will run into her at some point, by which time I really hope I feel better than I do right now.

 

Going NC has at least allowed me to continue living my life as best I can, but I find myself thinking about her far too much more than she is entitled to.

 

I almost feel that if she were to contact and apologise for how things went then it would help me deal with it better and let me move on quicker. I guess it is very naive on my part. There has been literally nothing of any sentiment or significance from her in 2 months. It's the way she deals with things.

 

I hope she still thinks about me and in a good light (for the most part she said I was a loving bf), but the fact remains that I was replaced by someone who had "more" to give to her, in her eyes, at the moment in their life, regardless of what we had together before. My recent change in circumstances made me dispensable.

 

I hear alot on the forum that people can be very dishonest at the point of break-up ("it's not you, it's me", "I need to be on my own", "there is no-one else involved" etc). I know it can be a very cynical world, but a little respect and decency wouldn't go amiss. 3 years is not a short amount of time to be with someone.

 

I want to know that our time meant something, but hey ho.

 

Feeling abit melancholy, sorry for the rambling.

 

At least tomorrow is Friday.. time to get a weekend plan of action.

 

All the best everyone

[Carus]

I no longer anticipate any sort of contact from her, ever. No doubt I will run into her at some point, by which time I really hope I feel better than I do right now.

I'm right there with you on that one bro*

Going NC has at least allowed me to continue living my life as best I can, but I find myself thinking about her far too much more than she is entitled to.

I kind of struggle with that one...because those 3 months where she was still coming to me, I certainly wasn't the complete mess I've been in the last 3 weeks!

 

However, if the end result was always going to be the same, then I guess it was for the best to cut it sooner than later....

I almost feel that if she were to contact and apologise for how things went then it would help me deal with it better and let me move on quicker.

It may do, but you would have to go through another period of feeling that finality again if she was to ring you and say that....

 

I haven't said this Sputnik coz I haven't wanted to fuel any false hopes in you, but I don't give your ex's rebound relationship much chance...and when it does fail, watch out...!

 

Don't wait for that though....My last ex lined up another guy before jumping from me...They lasted about 3 years (as far as I know. Haven't actually spoken to her since 2009).

I hope she still thinks about me and in a good light (for the most part she said I was a loving bf), but the fact remains that I was replaced by someone who had "more" to give to her, in her eyes, at the moment in their life, regardless of what we had together before.

Her vision may be a bit clouded over at the moment and they do their best to NOT think about us at all...ie: Drinking. Partying. Overworking. Rebounding etc...

 

But unprocessed feelings won't just go away...They will always be there when you are alone and the lights go out...

 

This is where you and I have an advantage Sputnik...This pain, this heavy work we are going through now is so much better for our long term healing.

 

Like me, it sounds like you don't have many regrets about how you were in that relationship...I believe that we both did the best we could my friend, and so at least for that, we can be at peace....

I want to know that our time meant something, but hey ho.

Then tell yourself that it did...

 

Things are different now, but that time happened and definitely meant something...Don't doubt that...

Feeling a bit melancholy, sorry for the rambling.

Don't ever apologize mate. That is what this forum is for, and as you've said on my thread, we are here to listen*

At least tomorrow is Friday.. time to get a weekend plan of action.

Let's go have dinner on the strip and watch all the weird and wonderful people go by

 

Hope you get a good sleep tonight.

 

Carus*

[Piaresssss]

Her vision may be a bit clouded over at the moment and they do their best to NOT think about us at all...ie: Drinking. Partying. Overworking.

 

Carus once again hits the nail on the head. My ex said this with different words. She hadnt thought about the relationship but didnt know what to feel.

 

Sputnik you just keep doing what you have been doing you are gonna get better.

I remember where i was a while ago and today i had a belter of a day.

 

You will get there. Chin up my man, im rooting for you.

[sputnik123]

Carus, as always you are so insightful and helpful.

 

I appreciate all your thoughts on my predicament, as i'm sure many others do on theirs.

 

"This is where you and I have an advantage Sputnik...This pain, this heavy work we are going through now is so much better for our long term healing". - It makes sense and I really hope so!

 

Cheers Piaresssss, very pleased you had a great day. Hang in there bud.

 

Sweet dreams all... tomorrow is a better day!

[sputnik123]

21 days no contact.

 

Really not sure how I feel today.. I think it's a mix of about 10 different emotions. There are definite pangs of sadness in there.

 

Reasonable night's sleep for a change.

 

It's my work's x-mas function tonight. First proper drink in 2 months on the way.

 

I have made sure I don't have any way of contacting the ex.. self preservation mode!!

 

Love to all today, especially you Carus

[Carus]

Thanks Buddy. Glad you got some sleep and I hope you had at least somewhat of a good time at the work xmas function.

 

I'm about to update my journal but, I was sitting on the terrace having dinner tonight and was thinking about you...

 

In my mind I've been somewhat telling myself that my ex is off happy and living her life, and even seeing someone else already...

 

I think I'm doing that to try and prepare myself for when that reality get's thrust in my face one day...coz we all know it will....

 

But you are already processing that along with everything else...so in that regard, you may be a bit further along than me, coz as much as I put that thought into my head, it surely will stab me in the heart when the time comes.....I just hope I'm a lot further down the track before I find out....

 

K, bit of a long journal tonight so hope you enjoy it....

 

Carus*

[sputnik123]

Day 22 no contact.

 

I think I am doing well not looking at any Social Media.. I know what fresh hell that would bring to my door..

 

Had a reasonable time at work do last night and I definitely dodged a bullet by removing any trace of being able to drunkenly contact! I can imagine it now, would call and have absolutely nothing to say anyway...

 

I don't seem to have any problem talking to girls since break up, but I do find myself comparing everyone to the ex. I guess that's natural. What I do know though, it that there are much nicer people out there than her.

 

My thoughts are turning more towards Christmas and making it the best it can be. Reassuring to know that will be spending it with people who love me the most, unconditionally.

 

Need to keep as busy as possible from here on in. There is still much sadness in my heart, but will try and use it to drive me on, to be the best I can be. I don't need her to complete me.

 

My dear Carus, yes, since the break up I have been convinced that the ex's heart was elsewhere (and confirmed 3 weeks ago on fb). Whilst I have not yet been confronted by this face to face, it is sure to come my way soon. The town is too small not to. I plan to be ready, as best I can. I do sometimes think by me vanishing it made it much easier for her to live her life without me and not reach out. I just have to take comfort from the knowledge that I really did not have any other choice.

 

More journaling to come tomorrow.. I hope everyone has a great Sunday.. x

[sputnik123]

Day 23 No contact.

 

Has it really been that long?

 

Thought of her alot today.. first x-mas apart for 4 years. Finished the shopping, but it was a difficult day.

 

Glad I haven't reached out.. it has helped keep me sane at least.

 

Also reflecting that many people are going through very similar situations at moment. The pain must also be heightened at this time of year. I feel for them.

 

Finished the day by listening to my favourite music and watching a film. In a better place right now.

 

I really hope Carus et al had a nice weekend.

 

Not planning on leaving the house tomorrow.. plenty of snow here and the schools are closed!

 

Still not looking forward to the Monday morning blues.. Need a good sleep and to find my groove early.

 

Part of me wishes she were still to contact me and I don't know why. A (smaller) part hopes she never bothers.. anything from here would be an insignificant morsel I guess.

 

Goodnight all and sweet dreams.

[sputnik123]

No contact for 24 days.

 

Happy Mondays...

 

Wish she could stay out of my mind, but I guess I need to be consigned to the fact that ~9 weeks is still pretty fresh, after 3 years, so I have plenty of days like this to come.

 

I still find myself ruminating over whether I could have done anything different.. I really don't think I could though.. She knows how I thought and felt and it just didn't matter any more.

 

Why am I still wanting her contact? Some some of validation. This is madness!

 

What I do know though, is that I have learned so much about myself during this. I guess that is some comfort.

 

I hope everyone had a better day than me

 

Ever onwards into the NC light/ abyss!

[sputnik123]

Day 25 strict NC.. The quarter century!

 

The last 2 days have been grim and I have no specific idea why.. was just another "normal" Tuesday - working, school run, cooking, helping with homework etc..

 

I still remember my ex's routine inside out and I also know how much she looks forward to Christmas with her family.. my thoughts then drifted as to whether the new bf will be taking my place round the big table for the dinner this year. How pathetic is that? I got on with her family so well too, I hope they remember me fondly.

 

Nearly 10 weeks can seem so long ago, yet conversely also seems to have gone so quickly. I wish I knew the truth from the start so I didn't waste over a month on a lie.

 

I don't know how I will feel the next time I see her.. my heart will be pounding like hell that is for sure.. will she be a ghost to me, will I still fancy her, will she acknowledge? Deep down I know I am not ready to know the answers..

 

I hope for a better 2nd half of the week. Still lots do before our Christmas and I owe it to my family to do my best. I owe it to myself to not be defeated by her actions and coldness. She has moved on and I must too.

 

Good to see so many people helping each other out on this forum. Really does help spread hope.

 

Cheers.

[sputnik123]

2nd Worst night since break-up..

 

How does this seem to be getting more difficult?

 

She does not deserve my thoughts..

[Whocares479]

You are not alone. I am on day 4 of no contact.

[Carus]

It aint called the roller coaster for nothin...!

 

But like a roller coaster, it goes up, it goes down, but always forward....*

 

Force yourself to get stronger...Every time we hit the bottom we bounce a little higher.

 

Sorry to hear about 4 days Whocares*...You are in for some ride. I'm almost 4 weeks now...It seems to easing up a little and no contact has helped with that*

 

Carus*

[sputnik123]

26 Days NC and counting..

 

Thanks Carus!

 

As always, you are spot on.. just got to make sure I fasten my seatbelt I guess!

 

Today picked up and was actually quite productive in the end. Tired now though, barely slept at all last night.

 

Beginning to approach, not fully reach, the conclusion that the right thing happened, but in completely the wrong way. It may be very naive of me, but feels like I have been waiting on an apology that deep down I knew I would never get. It's delaying me being able to truly move on. Yes, she has moved on before even ending things with me. I find myself missing a ghost, and not even a particularly nice one.

 

I hope everyone gets well rested.

 

Let's see what tomorrow brings..

[Whocares479]

It aint called the roller coaster for nothin...!

 

But like a roller coaster, it goes up, it goes down, but always forward....*

 

Force yourself to get stronger...Every time we hit the bottom we bounce a little higher.

 

Sorry to hear about 4 days Whocares*...You are in for some ride. I'm almost 4 weeks now...It seems to easing up a little and no contact has helped with that*

 

Carus*

 

Thank you so much, did you block your ex?

[Carus]

I didn't block her no but l unfollowed her so l don't see her stuff, and l don't go looking either....

[sputnik123]

Day 27 NC!

 

A busy day and apart from a couple of painful pangs, I got through relatively unscathed (my lucky rubber band is helping).

 

Woke up early, but switched the cricket on and England are actually doing O.K for a change, so helped brighten the morning gloom!

 

Find myself getting lost in music as much as possible now.. it's such a release (avoiding certain songs that bring back memories, of course).

 

Christmas is fast approaching and really trying to get into the swing of it, if only for my boy and family :)

 

I hope everyone had a productive and peaceful day. There are some wonderful people on here and I am so heartened to find that "virtual strangers" can be so helpful, empathetic and considerate. Yes, tough love and neutral/ realistic perspective is often needed, but it's done with the best of intentions. I'm glad to be here because of this, but not for the reason why. Never the reason why..

 

I hope also that Carus kept the pain monster at bay today and the sun was shining for him.

 

Until tomorrow... Night folks x

[Carus]

Congrats on getting this far buddy. It's damn hard but you can be proud that you have*

 

Unfortunately I've gone backwards a bit over the last 48 hours, I miss her way too much, but I'll push on...

 

I was hanging out with Ian Botham the other night :)

[SweetGirl28]

Day 27 NC!

 

A busy day and apart from a couple of painful pangs, I got through relatively unscathed (my lucky rubber band is helping).

 

Woke up early, but switched the cricket on and England are actually doing O.K for a change, so helped brighten the morning gloom!

 

Find myself getting lost in music as much as possible now.. it's such a release (avoiding certain songs that bring back memories, of course).

 

Christmas is fast approaching and really trying to get into the swing of it, if only for my boy and family :)

 

I hope everyone had a productive and peaceful day. There are some wonderful people on here and I am so heartened to find that "virtual strangers" can be so helpful, empathetic and considerate. Yes, tough love and neutral/ realistic perspective is often needed, but it's done with the best of intentions. I'm glad to be here because of this, but not for the reason why. Never the reason why..

 

I hope also that Carus kept the pain monster at bay today and the sun was shining for him.

 

Until tomorrow... Night folks x

 

So that's the trick! A rubber band. I like it :)

[sputnik123]

Yes, the famous rubber band... give it a ping every time the mind drifts to her! it does help :)

 

My dear Carus, oh wow! Beefy is a legend!!! I'm very jealous.

 

As you correctly informed me earlier this week, this is a rollercoaster.. we just have to strap in and ride it out as best we can.

 

We all love you here.. remember that :)

[Whocares479]

I feel like crap, wish this will be over. He even had the nerve to imply that a "friend" is coming to see him at the end of the year. This time is devatating me.

[sputnik123]

I'm really sorry you feel like that Whocares.. it WILL get better, but take 1 day at a time and heal slowly, but surely. We are all here for each other.

 

I agree, it's a very difficult time of year for heartbreak..if it wasn't for my boy, I would quite happily fast forward to Jan 1st!

 

So, Day 28 NC.. 4 weeks today since I sent an e-mail (unreplied to, am not even sure she read it) informing that I knew of the extent of her lies and deceit towards me pre and post break-up. The day that literally ripped my beating heart out.

 

I swore to myself that day I had to move on somehow and ensure that I never make contact with her again. This is a small victory, but at the moment it feels abit hollow.

 

I would like to sincerely thank everyone here who has taken the time to read my thoughts on here so far. Sorry if it was ever monotonous!

 

I am so grateful for this board and the fantastic, caring people who also find themselves here in their time of need.

 

Today was probably better than average since the split, surrounded by work colleagues and friends until this evening. There are still so many triggers.. x-mas stuff, things at home, around town, but I usually manage to re-divert my thoughts before I get too melancholy.

 

I have a feeling something will happen before Christmas, not sure what, but something.. I hope I am wrong.

 

Need a good night sleep and then to attack the weekend with gusto..I have much to do.

 

I hope everyone gets rest, peace and comfort tonight.

 

x

[Whocares479]

I'm really sorry you feel like that Whocares.. it WILL get better, but take 1 day at a time and heal slowly, but surely. We are all here for each other.

 

I agree, it's a very difficult time of year for heartbreak..if it wasn't for my boy, I would quite happily fast forward to Jan 1st!

 

So, Day 28 NC.. 4 weeks today since I sent an e-mail (unreplied to, am not even sure she read it) informing that I knew of the extent of her lies and deceit towards me pre and post break-up. The day that literally ripped my beating heart out.

 

I swore to myself that day I had to move on somehow and ensure that I never make contact with her again. This is a small victory, but at the moment it feels abit hollow.

 

I would like to sincerely thank everyone here who has taken the time to read my thoughts on here so far. Sorry if it was ever monotonous!

 

I am so grateful for this board and the fantastic, caring people who also find themselves here in their time of need.

 

Today was probably better than average since the split, surrounded by work colleagues and friends until this evening. There are still so many triggers.. x-mas stuff, things at home, around town, but I usually manage to re-divert my thoughts before I get too melancholy.

 

I have a feeling something will happen before Christmas, not sure what, but something.. I hope I am wrong.

 

Need a good night sleep and then to attack the weekend with gusto..I have much to do.

 

I hope everyone gets rest, peace and comfort tonight.

 

x

 

You are incredibly strong on what you're doing. Thank you for helping me while you are still going through the process yourself.

[sputnik123]

Thank you Whocares.. It means alot.

 

Happy to help :)

[Carus]

We understand exactly where you are Sputnik because we are being roasted over the same fire*

 

C*