Journal..

[intotheself]

Sputnik, three years is a long time. I have suffered enough only from seven months. It's simply because I love him very much. It hurts as much as you love.

 

I think people who post in this forum are in a much better place than those in 'Getting back together' forum. I used to post there a lot when I got divorced in 2011 and learned about NC. That's how I went NC right away this time and have not been able to break it. I recently listened to Suan Elliotts' videos on youtube. She is the author of Getting past your break up. It's hard to find any good therapists in my area so I ordered the book as well. She also emphasized NC. I hope you stay strong. I am in 7th week of NC. I read that from 11th week of NC, you begin to feel better.

[Carus]

Well done...

 

You are so right and you read what I did last night and how I felt afterward...so be glad that you didn't*

 

I know no words can release either of us from this pain. Only time, strength and rewiring our brains can do that but still proud of you bro.

 

Carus*

[sputnik123]

Thanks Intotheself and dear Carus.

 

So glad I didn't reach out in any way, but it's a timely reminder of the effect that alcohol can have!

 

Will try and chill out this weekend, as best as possible, after a day of work, that is...

[Piaresssss]

Proud of you for not breaking even under the influence of alcohol. Very strong of you to not talk to her.

 

Hope you have a super chill weekend, keep on keeping on my man.

[sputnik123]

Thanks Piaresssss.

 

It's great to know you are with me on this. Hope you had a good day.

 

Sooo, work has split up for Christmas now and people are all off enjoying their festivities. My son is not back with me until tomorrow.. this must be why I find myself thinking about the ex more today. Was very grateful I did not reach out to her whilst under the influence yesterday and have not broken the strict NC, which now stands at 35 days.

 

I am still worried about seeing her (and him?) in town, whenever that may be, and how I will react (I have not physically seen her for 2 months, and never with him), so when I got back home from work I gave myself a little test..I looked at a couple of old photos of her, to see what I thought (it's been over a month since I did this). To be totally honest, I am not even sure how I felt... It's definitely nowhere near the same as it will be when I see her in person. Maybe she will seem like a ghost from a past-life.. perhaps it will be like this "distance" and time apart never existed.

 

What I do know though that I am more hurt about what she did, than actually missing her. Random, stupid thoughts enter my head.. maybe all she wanted was for me to fight for her more.. saner thoughts then take over, thankfully. The reality is that the die was cast and I was history. She wanted to go out and enjoy her nights out.. I just couldn't give her this any more, she meets someone else, then that's that.

 

A family member said this week that as I never fully processed my divorce 3 years ago emotionally, my next break-up hits me like a ton of bricks.. there could well be an element of truth in this.

 

Trying to inform people I am trying to move on, and as it stands, I am functioning generally O.K, but I am aware I am quite reliant on discussing my break-up aftermath, as well as trying to offer thoughts on other people's, as some kind of therapy.

 

This really is a brutal time of year to be hurting. I know people have it far worse than I and they have my thoughts and prayers tonight.

 

I wish everyone a safe and peaceful Saturday.

 

Night x

[Piaresssss]

No problem my man. You have been so supportive to me i want to help you where i can.

 

I actually had a very good day today, best in a while.

 

One thing in last post struck me. "I am functioning generally O.K, but I am aware I am quite reliant on discussing my break-up aftermath,."

 

I find it such a good outlet. Find someone you can talk to till your blue in the face, really does get the poison out.

 

Hope you havr a quality weekend and Christmas my man.

[sputnik123]

Hey Piaresssss,

 

Really glad you had a good day my man :)

 

Yes, the journaling was been invaluable.

 

All the very best mate.. x

[Carus]

Hope you're doin ok brother*

 

Look forward to your next update.

 

Carus*

[sputnik123]

37 Days No Contact,

 

I hope everyone is doing well and ready for what Christmas brings. It's a magical time of year, especially for kids, but can be horrible for those that feel alone.

 

Concentrating on making sure my son enjoys himself as much as possible. Sometimes I look at him and am just astounded that someone walked out of his life so easily. I miss her kids.. I saw them grow up for 3 years too.

 

Where to begin? Been keeping quite busy the last couple of days and trying not to think too much about the break-up and the aftermath. It's been tough.. I can recall clearly how Christmas Eve and Christmas Day played out last year and deep down I know that the same people, same places etc. are all involved. The only alteration is that my replacement is now in my stead!

 

Pleased that I didn't reach out to the Mum of my ex in response to the card she sent me. I loved them, but it was a goodbye, no more, no less.

 

Will be spending the day with my nearest and dearest so will try not to let it bother me as much (again, ensuring I have zero contact details available to hand, if tempted).

 

Optimistic that come Boxing Day I will be back on track somewhat, then we have January 1st fast approaching, opportunity for a new year, clean slate mindset.. That should help. Will also be nearly 3 months b/u by then.

 

Will try and get online tomorrow.. I get the feeling that it will be a difficult day for many.. but please remember, you are never alone and happier times will come.

 

Merry Christmas and all that jazz. Stay safe. x

[SweetGirl28]

Merry Christmas to you too! Sending you warm hugs and high fives for being strong!

Hoping your day is filled with love and happiness :)

 

(And same also to Carus and Piaresssss , love the bromance you three have!)

[Carus]

*knock knock knock*

 

Update please....

 

[sputnik123]

Evening all,

 

This is 39 days no contact, I think?

 

It never really crossed my mind to send a pointless xmas message to her yesterday.. even after a few drinks.

 

I hope everyone ate, drank and were merry (well, at least 2 of 3!) In all seriousness, xmas 2017 has now gone and we are all still here. It's a big hurdle for some, the first without that person. However, the world is still spinning and life inevitably rolls on. We have come out the other side, with a small victory. Jump on board with me.

 

Had a decent couple of days, all told. Yes, there were moments of clear recollection (of times gone by) and the consequent pain, but I managed to ride it out fairly well.

 

There were some pretty deep conversations with family members (as you do, at this time of year) and I feel I can use this harsh lesson of the last 3 months to really try and help people with their woes. It is definitely soothing to try and alleviate suffering and anxiety of others.

 

The distance from home (albeit briefly) definitely helped too, but now back in the village of the damned with the ex! lol

 

Back at work tomorrow and should be busy, so that's not bad for keeping my mind on track.

 

Was up talking and playing games for most of last night, so definitely an early night on the cards tonight.

 

Have to say, there is genuine sadness that she has not reached out at all. It's all very well saying that I won't make contact, but I have nothing to say. Having it reaffirmed daily that she also has nothing to say does hurt me.

 

C'est La Vie.

 

I hope everyone cherished their time with nearest and dearest this xmas and enjoy the rest of this festive period as best possible.

 

xxx

[sputnik123]

Day 41 No contact.

 

I hope everyone is doing O.K. It definitely seems as though emotions are heightened at moment.

 

Please all ensure you are doing whatever is necessary to get through this.

 

Was up at 3am yesterday.. jolted me abit, but was helped by turning on and watching the cricket, which helped keep my spirits up somewhat.

 

Been a busy couple of days at work, so my mind is fairly occupied at moment. My son is also keeping me active, as off school!

 

Out and about in town earlier, am at the stage whereby everywhere I glance I think I see her, although I don't think I actually have yet.

 

Been around 10 weeks now since I last saw her face and spoke to her, albeit very briefly (12 weeks b/u today). No mean feat considering we live in the same small town and she works 5 minutes from my house. I still don't think I am mentally prepared for it.

 

I don't even think I miss her as a person as such. She was not good for me, or my son. Everyone saw this, but me.

 

The way she went about it all still hurts though. Alot.

 

Actually remembered earlier today that she said she was going to get back to me once she had tied up a couple of loose ends discussed. This was last incoming contact, around 7 weeks ago. Not even enough respect to do that. I guess that damage was more than done by then.

 

Not being able to see anything on social media has also helped keep me sane®. Was told initially of the brutal reality of the situation 6 weeks ago from a FB update and have not looked once. It would kill me, for sure.

 

Have been looking back abit, trying to make sense of things.. I think the new year is coming at an opportune time.

 

New resolve and direction.

 

Night all x

[Whocares479]

Hope all is well! You seem to be doing great.

[sputnik123]

Thanks Whocares.

 

Hope you are doing OK :)

 

The pain is very much still there.. but just got to keep moving forward!

[Carus]

You're doin' great buddy....

 

NC and the pain is hard...damn hard...so be proud of every day you push through it....

 

To forge steel, one must apply fire*

 

Carus*

[sputnik123]

No contact Day 44.

 

Has it really been now been over 6 weeks since that unanswered e-mail? Wow. It has gone so quickly.

 

I hope everyone is enjoying their NYE and whatever plans they have made. Whilst it is only a day in the calendar, it can help provide a mental starting point for new hope, impetus and determination. Remember though, these come from within, not a date itself. I think I also use tonight's passing as full confirmation that my ex will not contact me, ever again.. She will definitely be of the 2018 no contact necessary mindset. I know I should be grateful for this, but just not 100% feeling it right now.

 

I am at home with my boy and probably won't be awake come midnight!

 

Definitely feeling more anger than sadness about the b/u right now and whilst this is a positive, to help move on. I need to ensure I channel this in the right way and whilst I have no intention of making contact at all, I want to ensure I am in the right frame of mind should I run into anyone involved.

 

It's starting to feel like I am missing a ghost.. It's now almost 3 months since anything meaningful between us. She knows where I live, knows where I work, knows how to contact me (none of this has changed for me)..If she wanted to, she would have. The mutuals have been distant about it all too. I have not spoken to any of them about it. Other people say forget about it and move on. I'm trying, so hard, but I still feel abit trapped in my own town. Time for healing is great and semi-working, but I need distance too. Just not possible right now.

 

I think I need more time before I run into anyone I don't want to and am not ready to see.

 

Looking ahead, January is manic and will be very busy. For now, it's contact on the phone with friends and family, before the new year dawns on us.

 

Planning on spending the day with my boy tomorrow, then back to the work routine.

 

Have a lovely and safe night all. Please try and refrain from contacting these ex's that didn't deserve us in the first place! Blaming it on the drink isn't a valid excuse ;p

 

Until next year! I'm out x

[Carus]

It's starting to feel like I am missing a ghost..

Dear Sputnik....Our journeys are so similar....It's quite amazing to share so closely a grieving process with someone like this.

 

Yes I'm also thinking the rising anger is a good thing...It shows we are indeed starting to move through the process now. I know I certainly need to get angry to help me move.

I hope everyone is enjoying their NYE and whatever plans they have made.

Well I worked to stay busy, but thanks buddy lol....Work did go well tonight though*

I think I also use tonight's passing as full confirmation that my ex will not contact me, ever again.. She will definitely be of the 2018 no contact necessary mindset.

Ok now you're sounding like me haha...However yes, I too feel that way...I got nada tonight, but sent nada either...I'll drop a quick update in my journal but it's already 3am here! *yawn*

 

However, I've been meaning to say something about this Sputnik* You and others have said with some confidence that my ex still loves me and will contact me at some stage....yet I'm of the same mindset about this as you are about yours...

 

But this way of thinking is just another coping/protection method....

 

The truth is, we just don't know...Maybe they will. Maybe they wont...

 

But your ex is in a rebound relationship mate and at some stage it will blow up....and that is where you will have to be cautious....

 

Obviously I'm not saying this to give you false hope, but I thought perhaps we could address this here and there....I would like to see where your mind is at as we go along in regards to her contacting you....and to be ready for it if she does...

 

Right now you are saying you are not ready and it would affect you quite a bit....Let's check in on it as we go along ok....Eventually you truly won't care one way or the other.

 

This is one of my favourite videos from The Ape who I did some coaching with. Please watch:

....but I still feel abit trapped in my own town. Time for healing is great and semi-working, but I need distance too.

Hmm, are you saying I need to pull out more shrimp for the Barbie...? ;-)

 

I'm sensing a Carus/Piaresss/Sputnik get together coming up here....

 

Talk Soon My Friend. So proud of you for getting this far...So many would have cracked by now*

Carus*

[pippy longstocking]

I'm sensing a Carus/Piaresss/Sputnik get together coming up here....

 

oh dear oh dear do you honestly think a pippy will not be included

 

You enjoy tonight and tomoz with your boy sput , it goes so quickly , my daughter has just gone out and it feels like two minutes since she was just a little girl

[sputnik123]

HNY everyone and thanks to all who has followed this thread so far! :)

 

Dear Pippy, I know what you mean!

 

"Hmm, are you saying I need to pull out more shrimp for the Barbie...? ;-)" - I certainly am! ;p

 

Thanks alot for the video Carus.. it's very useful and I agree with it all!

 

"However, I've been meaning to say something about this Sputnik* You and others have said with some confidence that my ex still loves me and will contact me at some stage....yet I'm of the same mindset about this as you are about yours"... - just call me mystic Sputnik ;p.. so interested and invested to see where your story goes from here!

 

Thanks so much for your support and guidance C.. it means so much :)

[sputnik123]

HNY everyone and thanks to all who has followed this thread so far! :)

 

Dear Pippy, I know what you mean!

 

"Hmm, are you saying I need to pull out more shrimp for the Barbie...? ;-)" - I certainly am! ;p

 

Thanks alot for the video Carus.. it's very useful and I agree with it all!

 

"However, I've been meaning to say something about this Sputnik* You and others have said with some confidence that my ex still loves me and will contact me at some stage....yet I'm of the same mindset about this as you are about yours"... - just call me mystic Sputnik ;p.. so interested and invested to see where your story goes from here!

 

Thanks so much for your support and guidance C.. it means so much :)

[Carus]

oh dear oh dear do you honestly think a pippy will not be included

My dear Pip* ~ It wouldn't be a ENA get together without you*

"However, I've been meaning to say something about this Sputnik* You and others have said with some confidence that my ex still loves me and will contact me at some stage....yet I'm of the same mindset about this as you are about yours"... - just call me mystic Sputnik ;p..

Haha...yes ok, you and the Shaman got that one ;-)

Thanks so much for your support and guidance C.. it means so much :)

Right back atcha buddy....It's been quite a journey so far no?

 

We've both come so far....Am I about to be set back a few paces...? I will do what I can to make sure not....Let's see what comes...

 

So now that you've seen what's happened to me, let's do a little practice:

 

Sputnik receives a text out of the blue that says "Hey. How have you been?"...

 

Sputnik says..."....."..?

 

C*

[sputnik123]

Haha, cheers Carus.

 

Yes, the 4 of us, can sit by the beach BBQ and put the world to rights. ;p

 

It has been one hell of a journey thus far, but very enlightening, and somewhat enriching!

 

I personally don't think you will be pushed back far, if at all.. I guess noone knows, yet.. It is very promising that she is open to meet, I can't deny it.

 

In all honesty, if/when that text comes in, after I recover from the initial shock, I will be straight on here canvassing opinion, before doing ANYTHING!

 

S xx

[Carus]

Well I wouldn't wait for that moment...I would at least do a little prep...

 

And the best first thing you could do is familiarize yourself with Corey Waynes video '7 Principles to Getting an Ex Back" on YouTube...

 

You don't want to wing it at the time. You want to know it so well that it just comes naturally...

 

C*

[sputnik123]

Evening all,

 

Day 46 No contact.

 

The body clock is abit out of kilter at moment due to a couple of late nights in a row!

 

Had a bizarre dream on New Years Day morning.. I think it was the first dream related to (breaking NC) so far.. wow, it felt so real!!! I was in a town (strangely, not "ours") and I saw her in a shop and we got into an argument (i know... Grim, right?). I then woke up in a cold sweat, initially thinking how the hell am I going to explain this to you kind folks! It was so vivid and clear.. it's been 10 weeks since I even saw her. The mind truly does like playing tricks on us...

 

This oddity aside the year hasn't started badly. There are still definitely twinges, but I guess now more out of pity to how I was treated and abandoned, more than anything.

 

Dearest Carus, in answer to the "ex getting in contact response plan", despite the many similarities in our respective break-up emotions and timelines, I don't think I could ever entertain even the slimmest prospect of getting back together with her, should she wish to contact and/or reconcile. Plus the fact that my family and anyone who values me would disown me if I considered it! lol.

It's all very well walking away from me (straight into the welcoming arms of another), but she did it to my son too, without so much of a goodbye. Unless she literally goes 360 and reveals she had undergone a 3 month brain f@rt and delves into the most sincere, lengthy apology ever (which is 110% unlikely), then the chances now of me saying anything at all, ever, are slim to none.

Your ex loves, respects and cares for you, whatever has happened. My ex does not appear to like or even respect me now (feelings are becoming mutual).. it's just something I have to live with. This is also the mindset I will probably need to move on fully. If someone doesn't deserve you, don't let them in.

 

Let's see what finally happens when confronted with something tangible. To all intents and purposes, I have fallen off "her" planet for the last 6 weeks.

 

It's strange, I can see people's stories on here, with their break-ups still so fresh. They have my thoughts and prayers.. That initial feeling of shock can be unbearable. I can only say, I do feel so much better generally than I did 6 weeks ago, but the pain is very much still alive and kicking, but I find myself having ways of combating it.

 

Need a decent night sleep and will post again tomorrow!

 

Night all and sweet dreams! x