Journal..

[sputnik123]

Hey Sweets,

 

I am honoured to have you on my thread. As the good man Morello points out, it's lovely to have a female perspective.

 

Dare I ask, what sort of things were you texting him back? ;)

 

S xx

[SweetGirl28]

Hey Sweets,

 

I am honoured to have you on my thread. As the good man Morello points out, it's lovely to have a female perspective.

 

Dare I ask, what sort of things were you texting him back? ;)x

 

S xx

 

Hi sweetie. His initial text started with my pet name he called me, and asked how I'm doing. I replied

fine, and asked what's up with him. That opened the conversation to everything. We talked about now, the

past (funny things between us) etc. Then talked about upcoming concerts, and he was throwing out testing

comments, saying "I'm sure you're dating, you always had guys after you" and how he's not with anyone ( even though my gut feeling is that he is, but maybe he isn't finding that extreme connection we had together either).

I didn't get into the fact I've been turning guys down or looking or that there's one on my radar right now I might like.

I just said "no still single, I'm fine with it". Then he lightly brought the sex part up . It wasn't sexting or anything.

He asked by saying " you need to bring yourself over here to me". I guess that was his way

of saying he wants to see me without directly saying it and getting rejected? I ignored that part lol. I couldn't answer

him because I didn't know if he was just seeing if I'd say okay.

[SweetGirl28]

Oh Man! That must have caught you off guard...! No wonder you guys keep thinking it'll happen to me....(it won't ;-))

 

Do you have a thread SweetGirl? Or perhaps Sputnik won't mind us hijacking his for a bit....

 

I miss the sex with my ex a LOT and I would probably be very tempted right now..!

 

But can you say a bit more why you won't go down that path with him...? Is it because you want more from him and are scared that FWB will lead to nothing except more pain and rejection for you...?

 

Well done on staying NC....It brought the rabbit out of his hole eventually....lol

 

Carus*

 

I know I high jacked here cuz I tell Sputnik as ironically I had just said I didn't expect to hear from him again.

I don't have a thread . I like yours and this one I feel safe here lol.

 

I won't go down the path because even though we were great together, he was awful at the very end, and never

apologized. It's too late now, I don't need one because we've moved far beyond all that as it's been seven months.

I guess the initial silent treatment, then contacting almost three months later, then appearing , disappearing, and reappearing has me feeling unsafe with the whole situation. If contact had been steady since the end of November,

I would most likely be the FWB because I did feel unbelievably safe and connected with him. But it hasn't been steady

and I'm going on the notion that men go after what they want. I don't feel enough effort coming from him. A little over a month ago when he asked for pics I told him to get a 3D girl and bring her home and take pics, then he could have sex with her too. That would be better than my 2D pics I'd send. Haha.

Eventually the FWB can crash and burn. And I really can't suffer the heartache I felt losing him the first time.

I didn't forget the immense pain. That's what keeps me from going right now. If I could do it and not have feelings,

I probably would. But I loved him, and I still do, and don't want to get attached again. I think the rejection keeps bringing

him back, honestly. He's been trying for two months to get me sexually. It may just be a game.

[SweetGirl28]

Hi SweetGirl, been following your posts! It's very nice to have your female opinion here as it seems this place is mostly occupied by males - which is probably consistent with the fact most dumpees are males lol.

 

It must be great to hear from the ex, regardless of your intentions. It provides validation that you're worthy. It can be hard to interpret what they're saying. I see a lot of people here saying "don't even respond unless your ex is clearly contacting you saying he/she is sorry and wants to get back together", but I guess this is probably more rare than anything. People will use indirect approaches to test the waters... Exes won't just put their hearts out like that (most won't) for fear of being rejected.

 

It must be hard to decide, on the situations. Like Carus said, I'd easily just say yes to FWB with my ex at this stage. Not because I'd like to use that as a way to truly get back together. Just because I miss the good sex and I think at some point you lower your expectations enough so you can control more your emotions and avoid being hurt.

 

Hi, thank you! Yes, I agree that people use an indirect approach because of fear of rejection.

He dumped me but I know for fact this man gets what he wants, and to directly ask and be rejected would bruise his ego .

It can't be from lo lines because there's distance between us, it's not like I could be there with him in 10 minutes. It's a

1 1/2 hour drive so not really a booty call lol.

 

I appreciate the honesty in why you would say yes to FWB with your ex. I know men do not connect thru sex,

and do believe if a man is doing that, he has no intent of being in a relationship with the person again.

Let's face it, we like what's familiar to us. And being FWB does protect yourself and emotions because

you have the mindset that it's not a committed relationship.

[Carus]

I know men do not connect thru sex,

and do believe if a man is doing that, he has no intent of being in a relationship with the person again.

Not ALL men ;-)

 

IF by some miracle I was able to have sex again with my exwife you can be sure I'd definitely be thinking relationship with her*

 

However:

Eventually the FWB can crash and burn. And I really can't suffer the heartache I felt losing him the first time.

I didn't forget the immense pain. That's what keeps me from going right now. If I could do it and not have feelings,

I probably would. But I loved him, and I still do, and don't want to get attached again

That...^^

 

Still, does hearing from him like this give you at least some validation?

 

Carus*

[SweetGirl28]

Not ALL men ;-)

 

IF by some miracle I was able to have sex again with my exwife you can be sure I'd definitely be thinking relationship with her*

 

However:

 

That...^^

 

Still, does hearing from him like this give you at least some validation?

 

Carus*

Yeah Carus because you love her and want her! So sex for you would have real, true feelings involved.

My ex, idk. I know he cared a great deal for me, but not enough to not let me go.

I don't feel validated. I do feel I was amazing with my sex skills and wild side and he misses that, lol.

He probably misses my affection, in all honesty. I'm very touchy, caring, I have no issues with public

displays of affection. I mean, we'd go to dinner and we'd sit on the same side so that we could touch one

another. Always holding hands, hugging, kissing, hand on my thigh, etc. In a year not once did we sit opposite sides except if I had my daughter with us and he had hisgranddaughter. I'm very confused because while I'm definite on knowing he won't pass up sex,I don't know where his thoughts are beyond that, and that does not give me a positive feeling.

At least your ex knows how you feel . I wish all men could be that way.

[sputnik123]

Evening all,

 

My mid-weekend post! How rock and roll...

 

I hope everyone is getting where they need to and February brings new momentum towards healing. (January is a stinker, right?)

 

Remember, the direction of travel is more important than the pace..

 

No contact since the goodbye text, over 2 weeks ago.

 

Being unblocked and occasionally perusing the "online" status has definitely helped press the pause button on my progress somewhat.

 

I'm trying to build up sufficient anger within me to delete once and for all.. (no picture change or anything..)

 

Is she that indifferent towards me that it doesn't phase her. Why not delete me?

 

Work is busy and I'm doing O.K, my son is happy.. find myself pushing the new love interest away.. noticeably since the unblocking..I need a resolution on this.

 

This woman hurt me immensely, there is just no other way to put it.

 

Massive obstacle on the horizon in 9 days.. due to see a "mutual" friend up close and very personal (he is now her friend, not mine) at an event I can't get out of. Dreading it, but most of me wants to get it done, with minimal fuss. I have done so well in extricating myself out of the firing line for over 3 months and now I need to walk straight into the cross hairs. This could potentially take me back into rewind mode.. Lot's to ponder.

 

I am finding myself more at peace with myself, but the twinges are not leaving me.

 

Sleep soundly all.

 

S x

[SweetGirl28]

I'll lend you my anger so you can block her! Lol

I've got enough right now to go around . Try not to hit the rewind button.

Hope the event comes and goes quickly and you get through it feeling okay.

I knew you'd start pushing the female away after you had contact.

I was just talking for a long time tonight to my guy best friend, who is in psychotherapy now because he

hadnt dealt with his emotions from a previous hard breakup, and he met a girl, proposed within three months,

and moved her in. Now it's a year later, he's so unhappy, stressed, and feeling trapped. All his negative emotions and distrust of women have surfaced again. It's best to deal with all feelings and to recover prior to diving in with anyone again.

Enjoy the time with your son and focus on you right now. You don't want a bigger setback to come to you.

your new girl understands fully I'm sure.

[Carus]

Sorry to hear about your friend SweetGirl* That is definitely one thing he did that has sadly now backfired, especially since they now live together. Hopefully he can sort out his emotions and save this current relationship.

 

Brother Sputnik* - It's quite maddening isn't it? If people read our threads they would probably see that we are doing all we can...yet the pain is still there.

 

We will both just have to accept that this will take longer than we would like. 'How long' is the unknown and that worries me. I can't be sure of what's going to happen to me. I've been heartbroken before but this is something else....

 

It sounds like you can't get out of going to that event. One question I guess is, how long do you have to stay there? You could always slip away if needed...?

 

The anticipation of this event will cause you anxiety so try not to anticipate it too much and know that it too will come and go and you'll be on the other side*

 

Thankyou for all your support and being you*

 

Carus*

[SweetGirl28]

Sorry to hear about your friend SweetGirl* That is definitely one thing he did that has sadly now backfired, especially since they now live together. Hopefully he can sort out his emotions and save this current relationship.

 

Brother Sputnik* - It's quite maddening isn't it? If people read our threads they would probably see that we are doing all we can...yet the pain is still there.

 

We will both just have to accept that this will take longer than we would like. 'How long' is the unknown and that worries me. I can't be sure of what's going to happen to me. I've been heartbroken before but this is something else....

 

It sounds like you can't get out of going to that event. One question I guess is, how long do you have to stay there? You could always slip away if needed...?

 

The anticipation of this event will cause you anxiety so try not to anticipate it too much and know that it too will come and go and you'll be on the other side*

 

Thankyou for all your support and being you*

 

Carus*

 

Thanks. Sadly, he was crying, saying he was tired of feeling lonely and that he got caught up in the moment.

He's 39, no kids, and felt like his time was running out to start a family. Now he just has a big mess.

Which makes me wonder here, do you think part of your trouble healing is that you had an attachment to her children, and it's going to be harder to let go? I know with my ex I adored his granddaughter, and I miss her. He sent a pic the other day and she's changed so much. I missed all the time seeing it, and it kinda hurts. Sigh........

 

We all have to deal with the pain dealt us. Just remember it hurts because you did (and do) still love , and sometimes we need to find the positive in being able to know we are capable of loving that much. And will again. I wish your ex figured herself out, but like I've told you, she hasn't done much of anything to change. You will be in a far better position than her much more quickly than she will ever reach. You're doing everything right.

 

There's a song where a verse goes "I wouldn't have missed this for the world, wouldn't have missed loving you girl, you've made my whole life worthwhile with your smile, I wouldn't change one memory , cuz you mean to much to me, even though I lost you girl, I wouldn't have missed it for the world" Be thankful for the good memories, the love shared, and open your heart to feel that love again one day. Sometimes we need to tuck those memories into a corner of hearts, protect it, but open the rest of our hearts , the bigger space, for someone else.

[Carus]

Which makes me wonder here, do you think part of your trouble healing is that you had an attachment to her children, and it's going to be harder to let go?

Definitely....! Having no children of my own I loved being a step father....Especially the younger one. Me and him bonded so well and were so similar that my ex and I used to joke and say "Are you sure we didn't have sex 10 years ago and he's actually my son!?"....

 

I do have a biological son but he was taken from me before he was born and I didn't meet him til he was 5. Contact has been sporadic over the years...Quite traumatic and a story for another time....

I wish your ex figured herself out....

I think we all did Darlinga*....But it was not to be....I'm sure she'll be fine....Probably already has 2 or 3 suitors lining up....

....but like I've told you, she hasn't done much of anything to change. You will be in a far better position than her much more quickly than she will ever reach. You're doing everything right.

Thankyou...Very nice of you to say that....It worries me though that I seem to be doing all the 'right' things yet I'm still so broken...(?)

 

As for her, I think she has made some changes and is doing ok....At least for her the pain is long gone, so she's well ahead of me there.

 

Thanks for being You*

 

Carus*

[SweetGirl28]

Aww Carus, I'm sorry. Do you currently know where your biological son is right now?

That must have been very painful. I lost a baby to miscarriage, but it must be hard knowing you have flesh and blood out there. It would kill me to wonder, but I'm so darn sentimental everything kills me lol.

 

Your stepsons, I hope you always have a place within their lives. One does certainly not need to be a biological father to be a dad. Just look at my daughters dad as an example. I call him the sperm donor because he is just god awful as a parent. She has a much better example in my best friend as to what a man and father should be than she does with him. It's sad because I had the best dad in the world, and to have watched my daughter grow up minus that is painful. But it's better he's mostly distant from her life than to continue to have a negative impact on her.

It unfortunately does seem at this point your ex is a bit further in acceptance and healing, even though her life is a bit upside down. I'm really sorry. I guess there comes a time when acceptance has to take place, and hope let go of.

Sometimes though when that occurs, the ex has a change of heart. No one knows the future, but what we do know is that we are in control of our own happiness, and we have to make the very best of what life gives us every day.

[SweetGirl28]

I apologize for high jacking your thread Sputnik!! Lol

My brotha from anotha motha doesn't mind, right?

Cuz you know Carus and I adore you, so we can come in and mess things up here :)

[sputnik123]

Heyyyy, I absolutely love you guys.. hijack away!

 

Had cinema and football today, so nursing a headache..

 

Early night for me I think..

 

I just want to raise one point for now, that has been touched on today.

 

The "step-kid" issue is spot on. It is not highlighted enough that when you split up with someone, you are generally losing the kids from your life too.

 

This is twice now that I have loved 2 kids "as my own" (once for 7 yr period, then for 3 yrs), only to have them ripped from me too. There is literally nothing you can do about it and it does hurt like hell.

 

S x

[SweetGirl28]

Hope your headache resolves quickly :)

 

Sorry for your losses. So many seem to not understand the impact it can have. They can easily say'

"It's over move on, the kids will be fine. Losing the relationship means losing the kids" but those words are not at all helpful when you've created a bond, especially long term. In a perfect world you can remain in their lives, but that's often not the case. So you grieve the loss of the relationship plus their children. Its a double whammy.

[Morello]

Hi Sputnik, I'll say something that might not be worded the right way because is English is not my first language: The amount of healing we think we have is different from the amount of healing we actually have. Hope it made sense. It may seem to you you're paused, but you're not. Every inch is a necessary part of the process.

 

It's similar to when we have a really bad day and for some reson think we haven't even started healing, but we have. Good days and bad days are equally important.

 

Also, I've realised that sometimes we kind of just take ourselves too seriously, me included. We're just cosmic dust, wandering around the earth. We might be dead tomorrow, we don't know. Let's just think about what today can bring us. Might not bring the ex back, but if you open your eyes enough you'll see plenty of beautiful things. Sometimes I realise how I fail to pay attention to the beautiful details of life, nature, people, things. We keep THINKING a lot about the ex, why it went wrong, if there's chance to rekindle and just don't live. All of us that are heartbroken, maybe we should just take it day by day... Not because it's in the healing 'manual' to go day by day. But because truly these could be our last day, month or year on earth. We don't know. If we knew we'd be dead in a year, I'm pretty sure the rejection from our exes would mean pretty much nothing. It just wouldn't matter as much. Maybe it DOESN'T matter that much... Life is fragile and everything is temporary. Attachment to things and people will just make us miserable due to the fact they're temporary. At some point we'll lose them. It's a hard thing to accept though, we all know that. But we must.

 

Keep moving forward Sputnik... :)

[sputnik123]

Hey Morello,

 

Great to hear from you, as always!

 

Your English is excellent buddy.

 

Yes, "normal" bad days feel really bad post-break-up. It's incredible how heart-ache can exacerbate everything else.

 

I definitely take things seriously.. People have called me intense, but I definitely have a lighter side too ;)

 

Thanks for the sound advice, as ever..

 

Finally, the notion of thinking that every moment/ day could be the last is very interesting.. things would be so different, for sure.

 

Will post a full "update" later.

 

S x

[sputnik123]

Right guys...

 

Next Monday is fast approaching and your thoughts would be welcome :)

 

Basically, it is a sporting match between me and someone who used to be a good friend of mine.. The guy who I think my ex is still seeing is a good friend of his also, as is my ex.. he would have known EVERYTHING about them getting together. I saw him 3 months ago and he would have known then, but didn't talk to me (This was just before I found out who it was my ex was with and I thought it was very strange to be ignored). I then (last) saw him 2 months ago and he tried to shake my hand (I reluctantly accepted, but didn't really talk to him).

 

We are going to be in a confined space together for around an hour, there is even a chance he brings HIM along, or other mutual friends.

 

Really want to play (and obviously win), but it seems like a massive cloud hanging over me.

 

S x

[SweetGirl28]

I absolutely dread those types of situations, but the best thing for you to do is act like his presence doesn't bother you at all. You need not be over friendly or hang around for conversation. If he says hi, you happily answer, and go on about your business. An hour passes quickly. If the other guy is there, so be it. Are you bringing the girl your seeing?

[Carus]

All I can say is try your best to mentally get on top of this. It's amazing what we can convince ourselves of if we do it enough.

 

Also know that you'll go in and come out and the next day will come*

 

Carus*

[sputnik123]

Thanks both, much appreciated!

 

The match has been postponed for another 2 weeks now, so there's more time to be mentally prepared..

 

Hope everyone had a good day :)

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks both, much appreciated!

 

The match has been postponed for another 2 weeks now, so there's more time to be mentally prepared..

 

Hope everyone had a good day :)

 

Oh good! You can worry all that much longer now!!!!! Lol jk

[sputnik123]

That was my first thought too! lol..

 

always on the same wavelength Sweets ;)

[Morello]

Hi Sputnik. Sounds challenging! You say this person used to be your friend and you also have the chance of running into your ex and her new boyfriend. I'm usually against 'running away' from situations. But do you really want to play this sporting match? This might end up being a very unpleasant situation for you overall. It might be just normal too. Perhaps it's nice if you just face it and get through it.

 

Out of curiosity, which sport is it? :)

[Makeit]

Strength to you brother if you go thru this! I could never. Atleast not at this stage.