Journal..

[Mike5]

Thank you, Carus. You are a saint.

 

I've been listening to Susan Anderson on Youtube - I'll get the book once I'm settled again.

 

I made the mistake yesterday of forcing myself to have too many negative thoughts about her and the relationship and it came back this morning to bite me in the ass.

 

Then I went over to the Breaking-up forum where in the "No contact from my ex. Did they care for me at all?" thread the OP recounted their suicide attempt yesterday and it reduced me to tears, as I've had some dark urges myself.

 

Thanks again, brother.

[Mike5]

Thanks, SweetGirl. You're a lovely person. Perhaps you should give the same encouragement to the girl who tried suicide yesterday in the breaking-up thread?

 

Right now, I'm horrified by the occasional suicidal thought - I hope it won't come to that. It's not even about 'her' in particular- it's more the shock and trauma and shattering of my whole life.

 

Thank you again! xxxxxxxxxx

[Kimbles1215]

Just read the entire thread and wow... you guys are hurting bad. I was like this three years ago after my ex ended it on Christmas day and blocked me on everything and never spoke again. Words of wisdom and hope though... we are now in contact.

 

We bumped into each other on a night out at a bar and were now friends. I hurt so bad with that relationship. Took me a good 1 1/2 years - 2 years to fully get over. I was depressed, never thought I'd get out the awful hole I was stuck in. I would often see his 'new' girlfriend everyday at college too about a month after we split he met her. She gave me grief for months until eventually knocked her one. My ex told me he regretted ending it with me and he still likes me to this day. But we are happy being friends. ( I hated him so much, I had to have counselling all sorts...)

 

There is hope guys. You WILL get there. From my personal experience, time heals, I got out and about, met new people and eventually met my *Now ex.

 

Sending love to you all xx

[Carus]

Thanks Kimbles* x

[Mike5]

Thanks, Kimbles.

 

My ex is now in a different city and soon will be in a different continent, leading the sunshine life she and I had planned for eight years while I am left to rot in miserable and wet northern Europe.

 

On the one hand, people may say this is a good thing for my recovery, on the other it is also torture as soon she will be gone forever and the window for any reconciliation gets smaller each day.

 

I toy with one last roll of the dice before she goes, but everyone tells me this would be the wrong move so I guess I should listen.

[Mike5]

So I tried to combat the usual morning agony and torture by trying as hard as I could to reach an honest overview of my relationship.

 

I weighed up my faults, her faults and tried to see things as clearly as I can.

 

I can understand her unhappiness, but I still feel she should have communicated more. I feel somewhat cheated and deceived. I know we could have rescued things, but she chose non-communication.

 

The fact she will barrel on with our life-plan is what hurts the most. I feel cheated of my life in that regard.

 

If I get through this, the sadness and the scars will last for however many days I have left, but I need to tell myself that not all this was my fault. I must resist her dumper's urge to blame me for everything. Perhaps she has reflected herself since, but given her mentality and immersion in her work, I doubt it. I fed her blame game in the initial post-break, which I am kicking myself for.

 

In a long-term relationship where there is no dramatic thing like infidelity or violence, a break-up is usually 50-50 responsibility.

[Kimbles1215]

Mike5, she may be hurting too she just doesn't want to show it. Some people supress their emotions whereas others are more open.

 

The hurt will not last forever, it may take some time but time definitely heels all wounds. Give yourself time to grieve. It took me just over a year and half to get over my ex from years ago purely because I would often see him out and about. The pain is indescribable, I really feel for you :( I felt like my heart had been ripped out my chest a million times over, and my whole body felt like it hurt. I would cry and cry and cry and curl up into a ball until I fell asleep for months. You aren't alone, so many people all over the world feel this.

#

I'm still trying to cut contact with my current ex, I keep failing no contact. Luckily, I don't feel any sadness, its more of a lonely thing I guess but it'll probably hit me in a few weeks once I succeed with NC.

 

xxxx

[Mike5]

Thanks, Kimbles. I've been reading your posts - I feel for you and hope you can over this current phase. Stay strong and post here.

 

Yes, the pain is indeed indescribable. I had a moment of agony yesterday where I thought my head would almost literally explode from the pain - I just felt I couldn't take another moment of it. Thankfully, I got through it.

 

xxxxxx

[Mike5]

Hi, Sweetgirl.

 

Thanks as always for the words of encouragement and support.

 

I know what you're saying, but for me, as of yet anyway, it's not quite as simple as being able to put it all in a box marked 'the past' and walk on.

 

Cliche as it is, our lives are a bit like a river where the past, present and future roll into one. Our past determines our present which sets the terms of our future.

 

I think especially when long-term relationships break where people have made serious investments in their lives and futures it is nigh-on impossible to just walk away cleanly. It is a lot more than about just losing a person - it is about losing a way of being, of life, of thinking, of the future. It takes an awful long time to understand, process and take tentative steps forward after such a catastrophe. Carus will agree with me, I'm sure.

 

I found this morning's reflections have helped me a little - I'm not wallowing in it for the sake of wallowing. I genuinely need to try and get my head around why what happened happened.

 

But thank you again for all your kindness and support. You are a very lovely and good person.

 

xxxxxxx

[Mike5]

Thanks, sweetgirl. You're right in all that you say.

 

Well, when I woke this morning, I could feel the usual tsunami of horror coming on, so I decided to put up a barrier precisely by entering the kind of hopefully mature reflection I've described. I think it helped a little.

 

One thing I never mentioned in all my ramblings here is that back in July when my ex was upset about something, she said, "we'll travel around, go to NZ, come back to Europe, then we should part after a few weeks." I didn't take her seriously - I mean who the hell would? Why would you go around with someone for that time, go to the other end of the earth with them, come back and ditch them? But she did it! I have no idea whether I should have taken her words seriously, or if she is a little unbalanced, because we did have some nice times after she said all that, mixed with some crap ones.

 

Anyway, thank you again!

 

xxxxx

[Kimbles1215]

Mike5... Why on earth would she say that? That's cruel.

 

You deserve wayyyyy better. Keep occupied, what I'm doing at the moment is putting my phone away from plain sight and watching TV or listening to the radio and lay down on my bed, get comfortable and in a way force myself to relax and fall asleep.

 

Maybe invest in a good book? You can really dive into a virtual world with books.

 

xxxx

[Mike5]

Thanks, Kimbles. I'm trying to keep distracted, but with on and off success. You know yourself.

 

Yeah, I am really stuck on what she said in July. I mean, it's a little crazy, right? I kind of laughed at the time, joke well and truly on me, I guess. I mean, what the hell was going on in her head when she said that?

[Kimbles1215]

She probably didn't know what she wanted herself by the sounds off it.

 

I don't understand.. personally.. how someone can offer to go travelling with the person they supposedly 'love' and then tell them they will ditch them off after. That is disgusting nasty behaviour. I guess it shows what type of person she was.

 

Laugh it off... absolutely ridiculous to even think she offered that to you :(

[Mike5]

Yeah, I think at that stage she didn't know what to think, and was venting. But still....she had paid for my ticket to NZ at that stage, so maybe that was it....but still. And then we had moved to a new city and she blew my head off only three weeks into our 'new start'. I really don't know.....

[Kimbles1215]

I don't understand personally how people can walk away SO easily when they love someone!

 

I've never been able to walk away easily myself apart from one ex, last year who I date for 5 months. He was a waste of space, a complete waste of life. Had no career ambitions, lazy, went to uni at 25 years old just so he didn't have to work and it got to the point that I despised him and one day I got up and left and NEVER ever contacted him again. But I had my valid reasons.

 

With this relationship... its much much harder because we were good friends before we got together.

 

Sending my love. Stay strong Mike5 xxx

[Mike5]

Thanks, Kimbles. You too xxx

[Morello]

Hi Mike

 

I think it's good to analyze what happened to a certain extent. For once, after my most recent break up, I kept dwelling on my guilt, on what I could have done differently. After that, I went to an opposite phase, one in which I kept finding things she did that have compromised the whole thing, and started to blame her fully. I finally accepted that, at the point of the break up, what happens is that at least one out of the two is unhappy with the situation. It's usually a very complex equation of who is to blame for what, who contributed to what.

 

At some point, overanalysing it becomes irrelevant and a barrier to moving on. I think that's what Sweets was trying to say. You will not find comfort in blaming you or blaming her (or even both) for the break up. It might give you a temporary relief, but than it will come back right at you. You just have to find your narrative of things (one that doesn't make you the hero neither the villain) and accept this narrative. So when you start to overanalyse again, you just say to yourslef that you already know what you think happened and just try to think about something else.

 

It's probably very early for you to reach acceptance so you may need more time. But it will come to you. You will also accept that she broke things off in a way that you didn't find respectful. You're goint to have to live with that, unfortunately. It doesn't say much about the relationship, it only says about how she was feeling at the time she broke up, or how she deals with unfavourable situations, in my opinion. The future with her in NZ was never stolen from you. It just never existed.

[Mike5]

Hi Morello,

 

Well the future in NZ did exist - on our previous trip I had investigated job possibilities, done interviews, begun the visa process etc so it was in fact all very real and in the works.

 

On our trip there two months back her friends had been advising me on salaries, housing etc.

 

So for her to allow all that to happen, and then to have the rug pulled in a brutal way only five weeks after that with no real explanation is pretty god-awful in my opinion.

[Stacks44]

Sputnik are you around? Just curious how you're doing.

[wgmitch]

Sputnik are you around? Just curious how you're doing.

 

Times 2. I hope you are doing well Sputnik.

 

Mitch

[Carus]

Times 3 :)

[sputnik123]

Hi everyone,

 

Lovely to hear from you all :)

 

Have been hovering a little but not entered my thoughts/ update on here for a while!

 

Well, were are we? It's 8 months since the break-up text came in and quite bizarrely, I have still not seen her at all since a week after that (to pick up some things). Then came the message from her mid January, which I replied to.. Then there were the 2 most pointless/ hurtful breadcrumbs thrown in my direction in April, which I didn't respond to, then deleted and blocked her altogether. So I have made no contact at all for over 4 months, with 1 message sent in over 6 months, all told.

 

I cannot begin to tell you just how crucial No Contact is in this kind of scenario.. I would be sooo much further back if I reached out or responded in any way. For quite a while now I have made peace with the fact that I will never want to talk to her again. There is absolutely nothing of value to say. This will not change.

 

An annoying aspect of this story is the seeing of her family and mutual friends from time to time, but through all of this, nothing has been said.

 

She no longer dominates my thoughts, but there is still much bitterness at how it all panned out.. especially when I think my son was dropped from her life so easily. I know it is not ideal to be bitter, but this again has helped me plough on.

 

I am now happier that I have been for a long time.. Met someone else a few weeks ago and it's going great. I find her very attractive and besides this she is everything that my ex wasn't (so it's all positive!).. Taking it very slow, but we are both very into each other.

 

If you think you may have found the right person for you, it really can change perspective on a break-up.. Fairly quickly the ex is not the first and last thing you think about and you can see things for what they are, the ex for what she was...

 

I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon, this place has given me so much.

 

S x

[Carus]

Thanks for the update Sputnik* I'm so glad to hear you're pushing on.

 

Reading your post reminded me of what I went through with the breadcrumbs etc albeit on a much grander scale. I think it definitely played a part in why my recovery was brutal and is taking so long. It's been 2 months since that all stopped. I have bad days and not so bad days now...I look forward to having actual 'good' days...

 

I'm also glad you're talking to a new gal. Yes it helps and I look forward to having that myself, although I'm still quite wounded and need to take care of that for a while yet.

 

I always knew you'd be ok.

 

Much Love.

 

Carus*

[Morello]

It's great to hear from you all from time to time. Glad to know everyone's better, slowly but surely.

 

Sputnik, awesome that you're seeing a girl you're actually interested in. That certainly makes a world of difference. More than having girls interested in you, is for you to be interested in them. That's when true healing happens in my opinion. Really a struggle to heal without anyone to 'replace' the ex with.

 

I've been trying to do the same but haven't really found anyone yet that I'm truly interested in. Been seeing a girl for maybe 2 or 3 months now. We decided to take it very slow, which is good, but I'm just not feeling the spark. She does seem to be into me but I'm not sure how much either. Because I met her just a few weeks after having broken up with my ex, I never had the chance to feel that spark with her. I like her and I'm attracted to her but I think something's missing.

 

I don't think it's anything related to my ex, but just that maybe she't not the right person for me. In any case, it has been revigorating to go on dates with her, be intimate, etc. I don't think neither of us is expecting anything serious out of this, at least at this stage so it's probably working for both of us the way it is now. She keeps saying she wants to keep it slow but I'm still afraid I might hurt her feelings if I decide to get out of this soon. Not sure if I show feel responsible for that though.

 

I'm seeing what Sputnik did, and I think it's probably better to wait for someone you actually feel a spark than just dating a good girl but when the spark is not there. Questioning myself whether I should keep seeing her or not, it felt very alone before her too...

[Stacks44]

Glad you're doing better Sputnik!

 

Carus here's hoping those bad days turn to good ones and the not so bad ones turn into great ones. You deserve it brother.