Journal..

[sputnik123]

Hey Carus,

 

It's on Whatsapp, so a message comes with a (clearly staged) photo and a status, fresh from hell ;)

 

Sweets, you are right.. she is completely useless!

 

Feels so good now that she is blocked.. let's see what happens next (not that I am waiting).

 

Still cannot believe that I haven't see her in over 6 months.. 2 messages within 2 weeks, it must be Christmas! lol

 

Moving on...

[sputnik123]

Yes, she will know as my picture vanishes on her phone..

 

This was the one negative, that she knows.

 

C'est La Vie!

[Morello]

Hi Sputnik. Yeah, this one is an easy block in my opinion. She's clearly just messing up with your head. I find the lack of empathy or even politeness quite an unnatractive trait.

 

I think it will be liberating indeed. And I don't think the fact she sees that you blocked her is bad at all. It would be if you blocked her out of nowhere. But given she's messaging you, it will do its job in sending her a clue that you're not ok with the way she is contacting you.

[sputnik123]

Thanks as always, Morello.

 

Yes, this one was all about the timing. Her Mum works at my son's school... about an hour after I inform the school about us going on holiday next week, I receive the message.

 

Coincidence?

 

Sweets, just remember! ;)

[sputnik123]

We all love you Sweets! :)

 

Sunny (hopefully!) Spain!

 

S x

[sputnik123]

Nooo, I don't know much Spanish at all.. (most) English are pretty slack when it comes to learning other languages! lol

 

San Sebastian is very nice.. people rave about it :)

 

I'm going to Salou, not too far from Barcelona.

 

Thanks for the wishes.. my boy and I can't wait!

 

xxx

[Stacks44]

I just want to agree with the post Morello made on April 14th. It really does help when you finally start forcing yourself to look for other potential suitors. The one downside to that is rejection tends to make you miss your ex a little bit but when you come to accept that most of the people you come in contact with will not be someone special you can start to take it all with a grain of salt. That being said once you do find somebody that you click with at least a little bit a lot of the pain from your breakup tends to subside.

 

By the way that rose-tinted glasses feeling you were describing is called The fading affect bias. It's when you tend to look upon the past favorably which we all do in a few areas of our Lives. We tend to think a lot of things from the past were better than they were in reality.

 

The reality of the situation is that your ex was happy when they broke up with you. They didn't have to come to terms with anything most likely put down the road those feelings will come out of hiding and I'll have to deal with them just because it's Human Nature. However, they won't remember as many of the bad reasons why you broke up, but they will tend to remember your relationship favorably. You however, will have those rose-tinted glasses on at the beginning and you'll fail to see why you broke up in the first place. However overtime the reasons for The Break-Up will seem validated to you later. In effect you'll switch places with your dumper.

[wgmitch]

Right guys,

 

What is going on...

 

I have just received another message (just under 2 weeks since not replying to the previous one received), asking me a question she really doesn't need to.

 

Again, it's a new photo.. with them together and the 2 kids..

 

I know I should block, but surely this is the reaction she wants.

 

So fed up.

 

Sputnik,

 

You are strong and you have made so many on this site feel strong and much much better with your strength and solid advice, yours truly included.

 

She is a fool and her rebound is not all it's cracked up to be.

 

I'm proud of you my friend.

 

Strong together in NC.

 

Mitch

[Mike5]

I hope no one minds me joining in here. I'm finding it really tough and my real life people are beginning to get sick of listening to me.

 

As I was posting about my abandonment issues post break-up yesterday my phone went. There was a message from the ex.

 

It said "How are you? Where are you?" Attached was a photo of a cat on the roof of the flat next door.

 

I had been reading so much about NC during the week that I was pleased to not get over-excited when I initially saw it. My reaction was one of suspicion and hyper-caution.

 

This morning I can't help but wonder about her. The flat shes now in is one we had looked at in January. I was really looking forward to being in there, as it had a little garden, which I haven't had in years.

 

I can't figure is it gross insensitivity or mindgames that would make a dumper send their dumpee a photo of the life they were supposed to be sharing but from which he has been excluded. What annoys me most is that I suspect it's actually just gross insensitivity. If it were mind games I could handle it.

 

I wish I had the courage to block her on social media but I can't lie - I'm too weak at present.

 

And today's weather where I am is miserable and cold. In her photo the sky was blue. Just more torture.

 

Waking up is the worst part. Lying there ruminating - the memories, images, regrets and yearnings.

[Mike5]

Hi, SweetGirl.

 

Thanks so much for the kind words and the advice.

 

I'm about a month away from getting home. The guy who's offered me a room is away traveling. I just have to wing it til then, unfortunately. I'm still reeling for the shock and rupture of it all.

 

I can't fathom her behaviour either. I almost wonder if she just wanted someone to carry her luggage. It was so weird, we went for a nice meal and watched a movie the night before she did it.

 

Yes, definitely just plain crassness. Sigh.

 

Thank you again. You're a good person.

 

Mike

[Mike5]

So two days after receiving her message the effects are beginning to hit.

 

If it had just been the "How are you? Where are you? I could nearly handle it. But the photo of what was meant to be our home is too much. And again, the sheer crass insensitivity of it.

 

But there's nothing to be done. I could torment myself wondering what prompted her to send it: a moment of weakness, loneliness? Maybe she was in a good mood and just thought she'd share a pic. Maybe she hasn't thought about it since. All a big waste of time to speculate: control the controllables. Easier said than done.

 

I couldn't resist checking the weather forecast for her city. Today will be wet there. Good. I hope she feels and remembers what we had. Sad, but there it is.

 

One day at a time, gotta keep telling myself. Each day you make it through is a small victory. She has shattered my life - I must not let it destroy me completely.

 

One step at a time.

[Mike5]

Right, so I swear to God I had just posted this and two minutes later another notification from the ex. A video of a kitten swiping her paws with words added over, one of which is "toxic relationships".

 

I can't help but be pleased that my prediction about the lousy weather where she is might drive her to this. Petty of me, but there we are.

 

Is she starting to feel the loneliness? Must not get sucked into hoping.

[Mike5]

Again, I sincerely doubt she even noticed it - there were a load of other words: anxiety, false friends, debt etc.

 

I'm not sure why she sent it.

 

I'm not going to pretend I'm not getting a little satisfaction from it, though. After the Hell she's plunged me into.

[Carus]

I explained in your other thread why she's sending them.

 

I do hope you get a better result than I did....

 

BTW: My ex recently bought the house we were s'posed to buy together... Meanwhile I've lost everything except my bed and my business....

 

Just another similarity in our stories....

 

Sending you Strength

Carus*

[Mike5]

Thank you, Carus.

 

You're way ahead of me with your bed and business, as I'm now technically homeless due to my ex's decision that she'd had enough. I wonder if in a few months I'll start to hate her.

 

Stay strong.

[Carus]

I know Mike. It's tough. I was also couch hopping for the first couple of weeks before a friend offered me a room at his house. Then once I started to realize she wasn't coming back I saved up and took a lease on an apartment.

 

It's 2 bedroom so I then found a flatmate to help with the rent. A far cry from where I was s'posed to end up.

 

So step by step my friend.

I wonder if in a few months I'll start to hate her.

I do hope so...

 

Why would I say that?

 

Because not so much hate but anger is a part of the grieving process and is certainly easier to manage than the depression...

 

And that's why I'm still so stuck.

 

Try as I might I just can't tap into the anger which would move me along.

 

Thanks to Sputnik for letting us hang out in his virtual lounge room :)

 

Carus*

[Mike5]

Thanks, Carus. The knowledge that you went through the couch and friend's house phase helps makes this a bit more tolerable.

 

I've flown into brief periods of rage at the ex but ultimately it's counter-productive. It's also very draining, energy wise. Plus I usually have a reaction where I remember all the good aspects of the relationship.

 

I think for guys in our scenario it's the impossibility of accepting that this person in whom we'd invested so much one day made the decision we were no longer worth it. In spite of all the love, commitment etc we were deemed a net negative. It's just horrifying. Especially when we did not see it coming, or just assumed it would pass and things would go back to normal. The longer a relationship goes on, the less likely it seems that it could end. Wrong.

[sputnik123]

Honoured to have you two guys on here :)

[Mike5]

Sorry, need to vent.

 

As others have said, mornings are the worst. I guess it's because if you've gotten any sleep at all you have a bit of energy, which tends to be expressed as either sorrow or anger.

 

This morning for me it's anger.

 

I can't comprehend how the woman I loved and whose gameplan I committed myself to left me for dead by the kerb while she carries on to her new sunny life in New Zealand.

 

Eight goddamn years, at a pretty important part of life also - 34-42. Youth to early middle-age.

 

And I never cheated, drank, did drugs, used violence. I tolerated all her crap: her controlling nature, her anger, her issues with her family and so on.

 

And then her yak and breadcrumbs after - seeking absolution from me, as if I'm meant to be happy for her.

 

And her stuff at the break-up: "hardest thing I've ever had to do". I wonder, maybe just self-serving ultimately.

 

And this only 5 weeks after we'd been in NZ with her family and friends!

 

And worse, I know once this anger fades in a while I'm going to be left with just deep sorrow and anguish.

 

This is Hell.

[Mike5]

Thanks, Sweetgirl. That's really nice of you.

 

And thanks to Sputnik for having me here.

 

The thing about the anger is that it nearly makes me want to broadside her with an angry message, but of course that would do absolutely no good whatsoever and I would feel worse after, plus any shreds of a possible reconciliation would be pushed even further away. (Not that I think there's any indication of the slightest regret on her part anyway.)

 

I apologise for being repetitive, but as I guess we all know, these cycles just are repetitive, it's a variation on the same thing, day by day, until hopefully one day it starts to ease off.

 

I hope that day does come.

[Mike5]

Thank you. I know you're right.

[Carus]

Hurting right there with you Mike*

 

Our situations are very similar.

 

Mornings are also brutal because when we're asleep we have no control over our thoughts or dreams. So when we wake and reality kicks in again, it drives that steel blade back into the chest.

 

Then as the day goes on we can work on controlling our thoughts and processing and grieving the loss...so by later in the day we can feel slightly better.

 

At least that's what I'm finding.

 

I agree with you and dear SweetGirl*. It will do no good to fire any missiles at her and yes you'll regret it later.

 

Sending You Strength for the rest of the day*

 

Carus*

[Mike5]

Thank you, Carus. You're a good person and I hope your pain ends one day.

 

Yes, you've described the cycle well, although I find as night comes on and bedtime approaches I am generally overcome by sadness. Another day and night gone by without her.

 

And then the wretched cycle begins again!

 

Strength to us all.

[Mike5]

So another cruddy morning.

 

I spent a fair amount of time yesterday watching videos and reflecting - trying to focus on the bad side of the relationship.

 

Needless to say, I then had a dream where I knew she was in a museum and I was looking for her but couldn't find her. Woke up distraught.

 

My body has started giving me these weird adrenaline rushes, probably designed to fight the overwhelming mental misery I am experiencing. It's ugly, though. I feel periodically energised but not for any objective reason, and I am detached from those rushes.

 

Oh my god, this is so exhausting and awful. Entering week 9 since the catastrophe.

[Carus]

Mike*, did you get the audio book Healing From Abandonment by Susan Anderson?

 

It does a good job of describing our reaction to our breakups and gives me hope that I'll somehow get through this....

 

Hang in there Buddy*

 

Carus*