Conflict Over Boyfriend's Kids: Am I Being Too Needy?

[faraday]

Idk why people are so stuck on his kids sleeping with him. My 9 year old wants/begs to sleep in my bed every night...my husband carries her to her room whenever he comes to bed (no room otherwise, she's a bed hog)...and she would sleep on the floor in our room every night if we'd let her. Is that wrong? She'll grow out of it soon enough and soon won't want anything to do with us. They grow up so fast. I remember the first time my daughter pulled her hand away from me when I grabbed it to cross the street. She doesn't want to blast music and dance and lip sync in the car anymore...she's embarrassed. They're little for such a short amount of time...I've never regretted any time I've spent with my girl...even though we've went through some trying times.

 

Those kids just went through their parents separating. Their entire world crashed around them. They went from seeing daddy everyday to seeing him every two weeks. They probably want to spend every moment with him- two weeks is forever when you're a kid. He's their father. If you guys think its inappropriate that they still sleep in his bed...I'd love for you to read up on how many survivors of child abuse were molested outside of their parents bed. Probably most were. If he was molesting those girls, he wouldn't have let his gf of a few months move in- and he wouldn't let them sleep in his bed, don't you think that's kind of blatant? He would conduct inappropriate behaviour more with subtlety than this. Geesh.

 

The days with a child are long, but the years are short. Cherish the times your kids want to spend time with you...because soon they'll grow up and you can't ever go back and get more time with them.

[Doc Blaze]

A lot of judgmental bs in this thread on both sides..

 

 

kinda sad...

[boltnrun]

It doesn't matter what we or anyone else thinks of the sleeping arrangements, how much time is spent with them, what they do when they're together. This is the routine they have set.

 

I do know that a family member of mine started having his girlfriend stay over on the weekends he had his kids. He was so focused on the girlfriend that the kids felt ignored. He'd park them in front of the TV while he stayed in his bedroom for hours having sex with the girlfriend. Now, only one of his four kids comes to their weekends with their dad. It's really sad.

 

When you choose to date a man with kids it needs to be with the understanding that the kids will come first. Always. If you feel he should divide his time with them according to some kind of schedule you "suggest", I would suggest you are going to lose this battle. And if you are upstairs in the bedroom refusing to come out, crying for hours while the kids are in the house, I can assure you that a positive impression is NOT being made on the children.

[superfan]

Idk why people are so stuck on his kids sleeping with him. My 9 year old wants/begs to sleep in my bed every night...my husband carries her to her room whenever he comes to bed (no room otherwise, she's a bed hog)...and she would sleep on the floor in our room every night if we'd let her. Is that wrong? She'll grow out of it soon enough and soon won't want anything to do with us. They grow up so fast. I remember the first time my daughter pulled her hand away from me when I grabbed it to cross the street. She doesn't want to blast music and dance and lip sync in the car anymore...she's embarrassed. They're little for such a short amount of time...I've never regretted any time I've spent with my girl...even though we've went through some trying times.

 

Those kids just went through their parents separating. Their entire world crashed around them. They went from seeing daddy everyday to seeing him every two weeks. They probably want to spend every moment with him- two weeks is forever when you're a kid. He's their father. If you guys think its inappropriate that they still sleep in his bed...I'd love for you to read up on how many survivors of child abuse were molested outside of their parents bed. Probably most were. If he was molesting those girls, he wouldn't have let his gf of a few months move in- and he wouldn't let them sleep in his bed, don't you think that's kind of blatant? He would conduct inappropriate behaviour more with subtlety than this. Geesh.

 

I don't think anybody here actually said he is molesting his children, but that they do find it is odd (not to mention inappropriate) for a single father to be sharing a bed with two girls who are approaching puberty. It is very different if there are two parents in the bed, but when it is one parent alone and the children are of the opposite sex there comes a time when sharing sleeping arrangements is no longer appropriate.

 

It is up to the parent to set these boundaries. If children's aid found out about their sleeping arrangements he might lose what custody he does have.

[Doc Blaze]

I don't think anybody here actually said he is molesting his children, but that they do find it is odd (not to mention inappropriate) for a single father to be sharing a bed with two girls who are approaching puberty. It is very different if there are two parents in the bed, but when it is one parent alone and the children are of the opposite sex there comes a time when sharing sleeping arrangements is no longer appropriate.

 

It is up to the parent to set these boundaries. If children's aid found out about their sleeping arrangements he might lose what custody he does have.

 

 

lets be honest its hinting at it...

[superfan]

Despite the fact that I (and many others here) find his sleeping arrangements inappropriate, you are not the parent of these children so you don't get to make demands on him. I am not defending the arrangements (I don't think a single father should be sharing a bed with two girls nearly in puberty) but they are not my children. I don't get to make demands on how he conducts himself with his kids unless there is documented abuse (to which we have no evidence of that).

 

So basically, if you are that bothered by the situation perhaps his is not the right relationship for you. You cannot demand he changes how he interacts with his kids and yes whether you like it or not, once you are involved with this man you are thrust into the role of step mother. If you can't handle that, you shouldn't be with him.

 

His kids should and will always come first. If he wants to spend every waking second with them, that is up to him. You can't ask he change that. You either need to accept it or move on.

 

Personally the sleeping arrangements would be enough for me to move on.

[boltnrun]

I understood that the younger daughter is 7. I don't agree that age 7 is "approaching puberty". The 10 year old, yes, she is definitely at the age where it will happen soon.

 

I have never subscribed to the "family bed" mentality. My kids slept in their own beds from birth.

 

My cousins slept with their parents until they were high school age. My own father carried me to bed until I was 11, and I remember he fell asleep on my bed almost every night. I had to wake him up to tell him to go to bed lol.

 

Again, the family bed concept is not for me but from conversations with friends I've found this is very common.

 

BUT, as I said previously, it's not up to us, the girlfriend or anyone else to decide where the children sleep. It is up to the father, and he has decided they will sleep with him. It probably makes them feel more secure and comforted since they do not see him every day. Plus, I'm not sure if he wants to deal with telling the 10 year old she can't sleep with him but the 7 year old can.

[faraday]

I don't think anybody here actually said he is molesting his children, but that they do find it is odd (not to mention inappropriate) for a single father to be sharing a bed with two girls who are approaching puberty. It is very different if there are two parents in the bed, but when it is one parent alone and the children are of the opposite sex there comes a time when sharing sleeping arrangements is no longer appropriate.

 

It is up to the parent to set these boundaries. If children's aid found out about their sleeping arrangements he might lose what custody he does have.

 

Maybe they as a family always did sleep together, with two parents. But that's not an option now...I'm sure the OP would be really upset if the ex was coming over to sleep with the kids.

 

 

Idk why it's more appropriate for a mom to sleep with her daughter, but not her son. Or for a dad to sleep with his son but not his daughter. They're kids. They're the parent.

 

When the kid hits puberty- he/she won't want to sleep with mom and dad. It will end without intervention.

[superfan]

I understood that the younger daughter is 7. I don't agree that age 7 is "approaching puberty". The 10 year old, yes, she is definitely at the age where it will happen soon.

 

That's fair. If it were just the 7 year old, I don't think I would find it as inappropriate myself, but the 10 year old is at an age where she is definitely on the threshold of puberty (if not already in it) and to me it says not appropriate. Again though, it is not my call to make.

 

I have never subscribed to the "family bed" mentality. My kids slept in their own beds from birth.

 

Yeah I am with you on that. It's a foreign concept to me too. I have a 14 month old who has never slept in our bed. When she is older and has a nightmare or something I might allow her to climb in to fall asleep and then transfer her back. Our bed is for us. Nobody else.

 

BUT, as I said previously, it's not up to us, the girlfriend or anyone else to decide where the children sleep. It is up to the father, and he has decided they will sleep with him. It probably makes them feel more secure and comforted since they do not see him every day. Plus, I'm not sure if he wants to deal with telling the 10 year old she can't sleep with him but the 7 year old can.

 

Yeah his kids, his call.

[itsallgrand]

I say this with kindness... It really does not sound like you are ready to act with a child's needs first. And I do think that's necessary when you become an important part of a child's life. Which you have now placed yourself as - you live in their home ( even if it's only part time, that's one of their homes, one of the roots they have in life with their dad). You can't just be a buddy while living there, you need to understand that.

 

It's ok to not be ready. You didn't have children. But please don't add stress to those kids. And that's what this is doing. You are an adult - you have more coping mechanisms, a more developed brain, ways to protect yourself and autonomy. They don't - they are totally dependent and can't just up and leave.

 

I really think , be the bigger one here, bow out of being there. If you want to keep dating, do so - but do it gradually, this is way too hard on them. Remember, kids first?!

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I had a (child-less) ex actually tell me "You act like those kids are more important to you than I am!" And I said "They are. And they always will be". He sulked, but then later on admitted that he knew I was right to feel that way.

[Capttrae]

Idk why people are so stuck on his kids sleeping with him. My 9 year old wants/begs to sleep in my bed every night...my husband carries her to her room whenever he comes to bed (no room otherwise, she's a bed hog)...and she would sleep on the floor in our room every night if we'd let her. Is that wrong? She'll grow out of it soon enough and soon won't want anything to do with us. They grow up so fast. I remember the first time my daughter pulled her hand away from me when I grabbed it to cross the street. She doesn't want to blast music and dance and lip sync in the car anymore...she's embarrassed. They're little for such a short amount of time...I've never regretted any time I've spent with my girl...even though we've went through some trying times.

 

Those kids just went through their parents separating. Their entire world crashed around them. They went from seeing daddy everyday to seeing him every two weeks. They probably want to spend every moment with him- two weeks is forever when you're a kid. He's their father. If you guys think its inappropriate that they still sleep in his bed...I'd love for you to read up on how many survivors of child abuse were molested outside of their parents bed. Probably most were. If he was molesting those girls, he wouldn't have let his gf of a few months move in- and he wouldn't let them sleep in his bed, don't you think that's kind of blatant? He would conduct inappropriate behaviour more with subtlety than this. Geesh.

 

The days with a child are long, but the years are short. Cherish the times your kids want to spend time with you...because soon they'll grow up and you can't ever go back and get more time with them.

 

Amen!!!! That's the straight truth right there

[charity]

If I was you as a first step to solve this, I would go to your parents when his kids stay over. It's only two weekends a month. At this early stage of dating I don't think its necessary for you to be a part of their life.

 

I do agree that you having social anxiety, crying for so long and being so upset about this, sends some alarm bells ringing. You are very young and probably not ready to take on this serious situation.

 

In regards to the bed thing, he sounds like a loving Dad who misses the closeness with his kids. Perhaps he could be more 'proper' but this is definitely a guy who acts on his emotions rather than thinking about things long term. Otherwise he wouldn't have moved a girlfriend in after a mere 3 months.

[jennylove]

I didn't suggest, think or insinuate that he's molesting them. I do wonder if perhaps the older daughter looks like the exW and he takes comfort in it. But anyhow, the kids and father need to sleep separately. My gosh!!If a divorce is enough to give these kids/tweens/daddy separation anxiety, then they sure as hell are weak and can't survive worse things that have happened to ppl and are happening to some much younger than 7. Pick up the newspaper, watch the news, read about the holocaust, etc.

 

Op, if you were my daughter, I'd be upset if someone were pushing you out of the adult bed to a futon. No parent would want their daughter treated like that by someone who "loves" her. And btw, someone who loved you wouldn't do something like that. Please leave him. He's got too much baggage.

[faraday]

I didn't suggest, think or insinuate that he's molesting them. I do wonder if perhaps the older daughter looks like the exW and he takes comfort in it. But anyhow, the kids and father need to sleep separately. My gosh!!If a divorce is enough to give these kids/tweens/daddy separation anxiety, then they sure as hell are weak and can't survive worse things that have happened to ppl and are happening to some much younger than 7. Pick up the newspaper, watch the news, read about the holocaust, etc.

 

.

 

You should refrain from having children (and dating people with children) until you've matured more and have hopefully become more empathic. You do not understand children or the role or a parent at all.

[jennylove]

You should refrain from having children (and dating people with children) until you've matured more and have hopefully become more empathic. You do not understand children or the role or a parent at all.

 

And you should refrain from raising tweens that can't sleep by themselves because mommy and daddy divorced. Lol!

[faraday]

And you should refrain from raising tweens that can't sleep by themselves because mommy and daddy divorced. Lol!

 

I didn't mean it as an insult Jenny. I was saying you lack empathy...it's a skill you can and should develop- especially before becoming involved in the lives of children.

 

Because what you're saying is that...children should have the coping skills to deal with their parents divorce like it's nothing (Even though psychologists compare grieving/processing divorce as being similar to grieving/processing death). Just get over it, right? What a wimpy kid!

 

Meanwhile, as an adult (who should have even better coping strategies than a child) you posted a thread about your dog getting sick. Why couldn't you just look at pictures of maimed children from war torn countries to put it all into perspective?

 

That's not how it works, right? And you needing help to process the loss of your dog is normal- it's good that you found support. Just like kids need support in dealing/processing with things. They learn how to deal with things by watching their parents deal with them. They learn that they will eventually be okay. They learn empathy.

 

My mom is dying, and my daughter and I are both grieving/processing her illness. She is learning how to deal with loss by how I'm handling things...and she's teaching me optimism...and ways to care for my mother that I never would have imagined. We can help others (especially children) through things. Compassion and empathy do not make us weaker, they make us stronger. They make us better people.

[Seraphim]

My mom and birth dad divorced when I was 5/6 and I actually stopped talking and when my mom and step dad divorced when I was 12 I cried every night for a year. I am 50 now and still struggle with the after affects. Pain is pain.

[j.man]

I'm just here again to say I'm glad that faraday popped in to represent everything I've wanted to say apart from me still being very upset they took my DBZ away from me when I was a kid.

 

"Odd" or "strange" insinuates unconventional parental boundaries. Which is fair enough.

 

"Inappropriate," especially to the extent of bringing puberty into the mix, suggests a sexual component, which he, being the adult, would ultimately be responsible for considering. So feel free to say you're only suggesting he's being sexually inappropriate with his children but not directly stating he's molesting them, but there isn't a single poster in this thread not capable of a common sense inference.

 

I'd really wonder how disgusted we'd be had it been a mother who only sees her children on the weekends and enjoying an opportunity to be close to her children in such a way.

[WithLove]

If you're not ready for the role of step-parent, you should not have dated someone with young children. They don't see the difference between "daddy's girlfriend" and "step-parent". All they see is the lady that took their Mom's place.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, if it was the mother sleeping with her daughters we'd all be saying "Oh, how sweet!!!" Not "Gee, that sure is INAPPROPRIATE! Bet the mother is picturing the father when she gets the daughter into her bed!"

[abitbroken]

I think that the girls are making EXTRA effort to sleep in dad's room because they feel threatened by you. Its not a sexual threat like some imply, but the divorce and a new woman sleeping with dad may have caused the girls to regress. AFterall. if this was a 7 year old and a 4 year old vs 10 and 7 no one would have said a thing. I know a friend of mine whose parents divorced said that her younger sister went backwards and became unpotty trained during the divorce and for a time after. She herself started playing with younger toys again or being extra needy for her parents' time. When i was little, i remember reading stories with my parents in their bed or when there was a tornado or bad lightning storm all piling into their bed with teddy bear and pets in tow.

 

Do the girls actually HAVE a bedroom of their own?

 

Also, the "not showing affection" in front of them does not work. They know something is up. They are not stupid. If you left to go to your place every night it would be slightly different.

 

I think that if he only has his kids a few days, you should disappear at this point in the relationship. Go run your errands, do your girls nights, do your classes, work late those two nights a week. Spend the night at your friend's or parents or whatever at least one night. Or if you do stay, stay in the guest room. and you gradually work into introducing yourself ,ore.

 

I don't think carving out "we do things together at this time of day" should fly at this point. Meeting you for lunch/having lunch with you sometimes, okay - but you are the new girlfriend not their stepmon.

 

Overall, i think moving in was a horrendous mistake at this point in the relationship. I would move out and let him spend more time figuring how to juggle his kids and a relationship.

[jennylove]

Yeah, if it was the mother sleeping with her daughters we'd all be saying "Oh, how sweet!!!" Not "Gee, that sure is INAPPROPRIATE! Bet the mother is picturing the father when she gets the daughter into her bed!"

 

It would be pretty weird if a mother was sleeping with her tween son.

[Knight2001]

hi, i've been in a similar situation myself. i agree with OP and spending time with the kids on your own is a good idea to build some sort of relationship with them. i dont think dad sleeping with the 2 kids is a good idea, and neither do i think you going to your parents is a good idea. are there any activities you could all do together? you yourself are in an awkward position, in that you entered a relationship with your boyfriend, not with the kids. however he has kids, and you cannot and should not do anything to try to come between them.

try to be more understanding of their and your boyfriends needs. you have your boyfriend all week to yourself and sooner or later the girls will grow up and move on. the older girl will probably start to go to friends for sleepovers at some point.

try to be strong, and bear in mind at all times your boyfriend loves you, but he also loves his daughters too.

good luck, i wish you all the best.

[abitbroken]

It would be pretty weird if a mother was sleeping with her tween son.

 

A 7 year old is hardly a tween - that's a little girl. Probably a first grader. I wouldn't bat an eye if a kindergarten or first grade son crawled into bed for comfort with mommy. He's a child. Not a pre-tween or anything but a child.