Conflict Over Boyfriend's Kids: Am I Being Too Needy?

[abitbroken]

hi, i've been in a similar situation myself. i agree with OP and spending time with the kids on your own is a good idea to build some sort of relationship with them. i dont think dad sleeping with the 2 kids is a good idea, and neither do i think you going to your parents is a good idea. are there any activities you could all do together? you yourself are in an awkward position, in that you entered a relationship with your boyfriend, not with the kids. however he has kids, and you cannot and should not do anything to try to come between them.

try to be more understanding of their and your boyfriends needs. you have your boyfriend all week to yourself and sooner or later the girls will grow up and move on. the older girl will probably start to go to friends for sleepovers at some point.

try to be strong, and bear in mind at all times your boyfriend loves you, but he also loves his daughters too.

good luck, i wish you all the best.

 

But its not up to her. They will grow out of it at some point. keep in mind, when parents divorce, oftentimes kids regress a little. This isn't about his parenting - its about them moving too fast in their relationship. The kids should not come home to dad's house and see dad and new girlfriend essentially living as husband and wife and sharing a bed. Its not like they are engaged or she's been around for years.

[boltnrun]

Heck, my son asked if he could get in bed with me after we'd watched a scary movie together. And he was in high school. He wasn't asking so I could molest him.

 

Some of the responders on here are the ones sexualizing the sleeping in the same bed. I didn't read that the OP was concerned about inappropriate contact.

[Jibralta]

This really upset me for a number of reasons. 1) His kids are too old in my opinion to still be co-sleeping and this is the only time I get to be alone with him and be open about my affection. 2) I felt unwanted and thoroughly sidelined because his eldest constantly cries about not having enough time with him, despite sleeping arrangements being the only big change in their routine. 3) He won't tell them that I'm now living with him permanently and it seriously hurts me whenever I overhear one of them asking when I'm leaving.

 

I can relate a little.

 

I think you guys moved a little too fast.

 

When I was 24, I rekindled a relationship with a guy that I dated while I was in high school. He was four years older than me to begin with, and had kids when he was 20. So when we got back together, his family was well underway. He had three kids. Two were his, and one (the eldest) was the son of his ex, who he raised from infancy. He was a devoted father, and as much as I loved him and admired his devotion to his children, it was a tough situation for me to be in.

 

The cosleeping thing: My ex boyfriend used to stay in his son's bed until he went to sleep. I was like is that? But once I got more comfortable with the situation, I did get it. It was a new house, new room, strange girl (me!) and the kid just needed his daddy.

 

The kids were sad. They wanted mommy and daddy to get back together. There was a whole process of me getting to know the kids and us learning to like and trust each other. But it did happen. I loved the kids. I taught them to swim. I took them kayaking in the tidal estuaries of South Carolina (I still laugh when I remember them getting caught up in the tide and drifting out to sea! (Don't worry, we saved them!)).

 

But ultimately, the situation wasn't for me. There was a bad dynamic with his ex girlfriend and her family. And I just wasn't ready for that burden. At 24, I just didn't need that whole bag of sh*t, you know?

[JaggerJim]

I'd say goodbye to this guy. For non judgemental responses from ppl who will understand where you are coming from, go post this on steptalk.org. Leave this guy to sleep with his tweens. Good luck to him.

 

I kinda find it creepy too Jenny. 7 years old is too old to sleep with daddy in my honest opinion.

[faraday]

I kinda find it creepy too Jenny. 7 years old is too old to sleep with daddy in my honest opinion.

 

Do you have children?

[IAmFCA]

Lets avoid making pronouncements about sleeping with kids. Parents are the center, the root of a childs security. When we divorce, we affect our kids at this most basic subconscious level. They seek to nest with us while they grow. They mature and seek security in cycles, growing 1 step forward and a half step back. This need for security is more pronounced when security is undermined as in divorce.

 

In the OPs case, the issues include a lack of boundaries in a variety of situations including private space for dad. Age/gender is not an issue.

[Capttrae]

hi, i've been in a similar situation myself. i agree with OP and spending time with the kids on your own is a good idea to build some sort of relationship with them. i dont think dad sleeping with the 2 kids is a good idea, and neither do i think you going to your parents is a good idea. are there any activities you could all do together? you yourself are in an awkward position, in that you entered a relationship with your boyfriend, not with the kids. however he has kids, and you cannot and should not do anything to try to come between them.

try to be more understanding of their and your boyfriends needs. you have your boyfriend all week to yourself and sooner or later the girls will grow up and move on. the older girl will probably start to go to friends for sleepovers at some point.

try to be strong, and bear in mind at all times your boyfriend loves you, but he also loves his daughters too.

good luck, i wish you all the best.

 

She don't want to be a step mom, she's said that. Why would she want to do anything or think of doing anything for all 4 of them?

[Capttrae]

Matter fact, when me and my ex 2 ex's ago were living together her son slept with us every night, before we moved in together and I was just visiting her I was a little weirded out, but after a while I just got well, he's gonna be my step son, what can it hurt

[coconut5]

The kids miss him and only get to see him once every two weeks, it's really not much. You are making too much drama over it, and eventually he will get tired of it. Regarding the kids wanting to know when you are leaving, simply pretend you did not hear. They don't even know you are living there... and they are kids.

Have him buying an extra mattress, if he decides to sleep with his kids (before they grow up a bit more and they are going to be the ones not wanting him on their bed) have him taking the mattress to their bedroom and you continue to sleep in your bed. You don't need to leave your own bed

[IAmFCA]

The kids miss him and only get to see him once every two weeks, it's really not much. You are making too much drama over it, and eventually he will get tired of it. Regarding the kids wanting to know when you are leaving, simply pretend you did not hear. They don't even know you are living there... and they are kids.

Have him buying an extra mattress, if he decides to sleep with his kids (before they grow up a bit more and they are going to be the ones not wanting him on their bed) have him taking the mattress to their bedroom and you continue to sleep in your bed. You don't need to leave your own bed

 

I disagree.

 

She has moved in to his house but it is not his house. It is their house, his and his children's house. She has no place in the family, and no special role in his life either.

 

The right way to do this would be for those two to be united, and then to embrace the kids as a unit. Him moving into their room reinforces the divide between the adults.

 

If the adults aren't ready to be unified, then they need separate rooms or separate homes.

[Capttrae]

I disagree.

 

She has moved in to his house but it is not his house. It is their house, his and his children's house. She has no place in the family, and no special role in his life either.

 

The right way to do this would be for those two to be united, and then to embrace the kids as a unit. Him moving into their room reinforces the divide between the adults.

 

If the adults aren't ready to be unified, then they need separate rooms or separate homes.

 

And she's done said she don't want to be a step mom do it's time she eithe steps up or steps off. TBH, if I was her Ol Man and she pulled some crap like that (layin in the bed cryin for 24hrs bc she didn't get her little way) I'd a dine told her to get to stepping the other way.

[Tanzi]

Idk why people are so stuck on his kids sleeping with him. My 9 year old wants/begs to sleep in my bed every night...my husband carries her to her room whenever he comes to bed (no room otherwise, she's a bed hog)...and she would sleep on the floor in our room every night if we'd let her. Is that wrong? She'll grow out of it soon enough and soon won't want anything to do with us. They grow up so fast. I remember the first time my daughter pulled her hand away from me when I grabbed it to cross the street. She doesn't want to blast music and dance and lip sync in the car anymore...she's embarrassed. They're little for such a short amount of time...I've never regretted any time I've spent with my girl...even though we've went through some trying times.

 

Those kids just went through their parents separating. Their entire world crashed around them. They went from seeing daddy everyday to seeing him every two weeks. They probably want to spend every moment with him- two weeks is forever when you're a kid. He's their father. If you guys think its inappropriate that they still sleep in his bed...I'd love for you to read up on how many survivors of child abuse were molested outside of their parents bed. Probably most were. If he was molesting those girls, he wouldn't have let his gf of a few months move in- and he wouldn't let them sleep in his bed, don't you think that's kind of blatant? He would conduct inappropriate behaviour more with subtlety than this. Geesh.

 

The days with a child are long, but the years are short. Cherish the times your kids want to spend time with you...because soon they'll grow up and you can't ever go back and get more time with them.

 

I'm with you alllllll the way faraday. Your post struck a huge cord with me.

 

My 11 year old still sleeps in my bed on occasions. I have two older children so I know the score. I cherish what we have now because I know it won't last forever. The kisses at the school gate have already gone as has holding hands in public. Bless her though, she sometimes forgets and reaches out for my hand. Then she remembers where she is (which is basically anywhere outside of the home) and pulls away.

 

I know my daughter used to sleep in her dads bed too. She told me once that her father's house scared her but I didn't need to worry because if she woke up she would get into bed with him. Half the time he wasn't even aware that she had got into bed with him. Regardless, if it made her feel happy and safe he didn't have a problem with it. At 11 though, she no longer sleeps in his bed. It is something she naturally grew out of - as she will with me too.

 

It upsets me that something so natural between a father and child has to be turned into something so negative ... the innocence stripped away with words such as "odd" or "inappopriate".

 

The issue here is not the pattern he has with his children but the fact that the OP moved in way too quick, disrupting whatever normality father and children had in place. Moving in after three months is waaaaay too early in any case but especially when there are young children involved. That was never going to work.

 

OP, if you want a relationship with this man then the best thing you can do is to move out. Build your relationship slowly. Enjoy the special time you do get together (of which there must be plenty if the girls live with Mom). Let him have his time with them and, eventually, you can get to know the girls too. Remember, everything changes in time. Nothing stays the same. His situation with the girls won't stay the same. They will grow out of wanting to sleep with their dad and you will all grow to fit in together.

 

As things stand, you are a stranger in their home who has disrupted the routine they had with their dad and, regardless of what you think of it, it is important that the girls aren't suddenly pushed aside to make way for you. It's a shame that neither of you thought about this seriously enough before you moved in. Whatever, it seems it is something he has evidently become aware of and the reason why he has asked you to sleep on the futon. I do understand your frustration but instead of turning this into an ultimatum between you and his girls (which is basically the road it is going down) why don't you sit down and find ways in which you can make this situation work. Mainly moving out and slowing things down. Moving out doesn't mean you can't carry on seeing each other.

[Tanzi]

And you should refrain from raising tweens that can't sleep by themselves because mommy and daddy divorced. Lol!

 

What an incredibly cold view to have. Children need all the love, support and security their parents can bestow upon them during a divorce.

 

It would be pretty weird if a mother was sleeping with her tween son.

 

Tweens is a word we have made up. It means nothing ... they are still children.

 

My 11 year old may have her pre-teen moments as her hormones are kicking in but my little girl is still in there and she still needs the love and comfort of her mummy and daddy sometimes .. and when she wants it she damn well gets it!

[Tanzi]

"Odd" or "strange" insinuates unconventional parental boundaries. Which is fair enough.

 

"Inappropriate," especially to the extent of bringing puberty into the mix, suggests a sexual component, which he, being the adult, would ultimately be responsible for considering. So feel free to say you're only suggesting he's being sexually inappropriate with his children but not directly stating he's molesting them, but there isn't a single poster in this thread not capable of a common sense inference.

 

I'd really wonder how disgusted we'd be had it been a mother who only sees her children on the weekends and enjoying an opportunity to be close to her children in such a way.

 

My thoughts exactly j.man.

[Batya33]

I don't think you should try to build a relationship with them unless and until you are engaged with a wedding planned. Kids don't "get" dating -they "get" attached and right now it sounds like you two are not on a path of developing your adult relationship - he seems like he tolerated your crying, etc while he had his children but I doubt that kind of behavior will work for him especially given his joint custody arrangement.

 

Whether you think he should be co-sleeping doesn't matter. His choice entirely. None of your business. If you believe the children are being abused in some way (and I don't mean just from the fact that they are in his room -I mean if you think something is going on in that room that is abusive), make an anonymous call to your local children's aid agency. I agree it is odd that you're judging him for co-sleeping when you were ready to be sexual with him only feet away from where his young children are and you are not their mother/step-mother or his wife/committed long term partner.

[Fudgie]

Cosleeping is a heated topic, and I don't believe there is a right answer. You have some parents who are all for it, others who are not.

 

Let's take the gender away. I'd still think it's kind of odd for a mom/dad to sleep with older kids (boy/girl) on a very regular basis, not from a sexual standpoint but because I know that sometimes it can lead to the child not being able to sleep by themselves. Also, parents can get frustrated with lack of opportunity for sex. For both these reasons, I was not allowed to cosleep as a child unless in rare circumstances. That was my parents choice and honesty, they could have chosen differently and I'd still come out the same.

 

THAT SAID, OP is free to think what she wants and if she doesn't like this set up, she needs to get out. She doesn't have any authority as a girlfriend and unfortunately, this is one of the major drawbacks of dating someone with young kids. You don't have any say in discipline or routines.

[Tanzi]

Cosleeping is a heated topic, and I don't believe there is a right answer. You have some parents who are all for it, others who are not.

 

I agree that sharing a bed with your child is not everyone's cup of tea. Everyone has different ways of bringing up their children. It doesn't make either right or wrong. Most of the time, the choices we make are what suits us at the time too. I should think that it is less likely to happen where mum and dad still share a bed ... lack of space for one thing.

 

I think what we need to remember is that we aren't talking EVERY night. A child isn't going to develop bad sleeping habits if it is just once in a while. I know my children didn't. Neither was my sex life with my ex-husband affected. Now, if you were talking EVERY night, that would be a different matter entirely. I'm not sure many parents could cope with that. I know I couldn't. My daughter takes up the whole bed!! It is like everything else in life .. it's about getting a balance right.

 

Still, that is a side issue that seems to have taken over the real issue. I can understand how frustrating it would be to be turfed out of bed to sleep on a smelly futon but to be perfectly honest, I don't think the OP's living arrangements are suitable for any of them. None of them are ready for it.

[faraday]

Cosleeping is a heated topic, and I don't believe there is a right answer. You have some parents who are all for it, others who are not.

 

Let's take the gender away. I'd still think it's kind of odd for a mom/dad to sleep with older kids (boy/girl) on a very regular basis, not from a sexual standpoint but because I know that sometimes it can lead to the child not being able to sleep by themselves. Also, parents can get frustrated with lack of opportunity for sex. For both these reasons, I was not allowed to cosleep as a child unless in rare circumstances. That was my parents choice and honesty, they could have chosen differently and I'd still come out the same.

 

THAT SAID, OP is free to think what she wants and if she doesn't like this set up, she needs to get out. She doesn't have any authority as a girlfriend and unfortunately, this is one of the major drawbacks of dating someone with young kids. You don't have any say in discipline or routines.

 

You kid-less people are hilarious Kids go to sleep hours before adults do. It's not like sex only happens in the bedroom. Ha! We've done it ALL OVER the house- I bet your parents have too. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you automatically become lame, bed only sex people lol. We're just like normal people. Sex couch is the best sex. Sex on a washing machine (well, there's the whole spin cycle metaphor,

too easy to use, but I'll shut up now)

 

The main reason parents don't want to co-sleep has nothing to do with sex. It's because kids roll around a bunch, take up 3/4 of the bed, talk/cry in their sleep, randomly punch/kick you...and are generally pretty horrible to sleep with. There are a lot of nights that I don't let my daughter sleep in our room, and its 100% regarding the quality of my sleep.

 

I think a lot of the co-sleeping thing is generational, and mostly a US/Canada thing...because most other places in the world co-sleep...and I know my parents never let us sleep with them (and none of my friends slept with their parents)...but more families in this generation are breaking that norm. I didn't let my girl sleep with me until she was around 5. Before that...I still held on to the way I was raised. I've changed my mind as I've become more comfortable with parenting, and also as I've researched more about parenting.

 

It is very much a to each their own kind of thing...but I bet if you asked your parents Fudgie, it had nothing to do with sex.

[Fudgie]

I did ask my parents, faraday, years ago and their reasons were the same as I gave you: didn't want kid to be unable to sleep alone and less opportunity for intimacy.

 

My mother was raped as a teen and even after therapy, all sex for her is very painful although she still tried on occasion. So they were intimate in other ways. I was told to keep out of the bedroom unless it was an emergency because they wanted to get some sleep have intimacy and not have to worry about a kid coming in.

 

I only have sex in bed because I find it comfortable. Guess I'm lame. My mother had to prepare mentally to have sex, (yes she told me these things, that's s__t boundaries for you) and only could handle the pain for a short time. Given that, yeah, that's why they didn't want me toddling in and bothering them.

 

As for my siblings, same thing. We were expected to sleep alone. My sister would wake up in autistic fog and we had to lock her in her bedroom every night to keep her from hurting herself or wandering outside.

[faraday]

I did ask my parents, faraday, years ago and their reasons were the same as I gave you: didn't want kid to be unable to sleep alone and less opportunity for intimacy.

 

My mother was raped as a teen and even after therapy, all sex for her is very painful although she still tried on occasion. So they were intimate in other ways. I was told to keep out of the bedroom unless it was an emergency because they wanted to get some sleep have intimacy and not have to worry about a kid coming in.

 

I only have sex in bed because I find it comfortable. Guess I'm lame. My mother had to prepare mentally to have sex, (yes she told me these things, that's s__t boundaries for you) and only could handle the pain for a short time. Given that, yeah, that's why they didn't want me toddling in and bothering them.

 

As for my siblings, same thing. We were expected to sleep alone. My sister would wake up in autistic fog and we had to lock her in her bedroom every night to keep her from hurting herself or wandering outside.

 

Sorry. I forget the level of dysfunction in your family/upbringing. This isn't typical though. Most people don't have sexual issues like that, and most people don't have to lock their children in their rooms. You had a different upbringing.

 

For most parents, it's about sleep, not sex.

[Fudgie]

Fair enough. I imagine sleeping with a child is sleeping like a dog. I have not slept with a child but I have slept with some dogs over the years and they are wiggle worms and hard to get comfortable.

[Tanzi]

I did ask my parents, faraday, years ago and their reasons were the same as I gave you: didn't want kid to be unable to sleep alone and less opportunity for intimacy.

 

Completely valid points if you are talking every night. Under those circumstances I would agree that it wouldn't be healthy for anyone.

 

The main reason parents don't want to co-sleep has nothing to do with sex. It's because kids roll around a bunch, take up 3/4 of the bed, talk/cry in their sleep, randomly punch/kick you...and are generally pretty horrible to sleep with. There are a lot of nights that I don't let my daughter sleep in our room, and its 100% regarding the quality of my sleep.

 

Before that...I still held on to the way I was raised. I've changed my mind as I've become more comfortable with parenting, and also as I've researched more about parenting.

 

That's pretty much the same for me .. on both counts. As regards my more relaxed approach to parenting, that has especially been true having witnessed my older two draw away somewhat during their early teenage years. It was only then that I realised how precious those younger years were. This time around I have cherished every moment instead of challenging them for no real reason .. and I don't regret it for a single moment. That's not to say my daughter isn't aware that I need "mummy" time too. The main reason for not allowing her to sleep in my bed is usually because I am in need of good nights sleep and I certainly don't get that with the bed monster lying next to me.

[abitbroken]

She don't want to be a step mom, she's said that. Why would she want to do anything or think of doing anything for all 4 of them?

 

But if you sleep with their daddy, live with their daddy, and are ALWAYS around when they see daddy, then to the kids she *is* stepping into a mom role. If she was dating dad, lived elsewhere and met up with them on ONE day for a fun outing or for dinner when they were with dad, then she would be in the role of a friend to them or someone who is starting to date daddy

[abitbroken]

Sorry. I forget the level of dysfunction in your family/upbringing. This isn't typical though. Most people don't have sexual issues like that, and most people don't have to lock their children in their rooms. You had a different upbringing.

 

For most parents, it's about sleep, not sex.

 

My parents did not allow me to come into their room at all hours of the night. We didn't have any sexual issues in my family. They would tell us if the door is cracked open, we are free to come in. The door was always partially open when the weather was especially bad, of course, or if we had gone to a funeral that day, etc. but for the most part it was "dad needs to get up early". Parents were clear that their room was not OUR room. We were not free to rifle around in whatever was in there. And they respected that our room was our room. They DID crack it open on Sunday mornings when they were awake but not ready to get up, etc.

[Tanzi]

My parents did not allow me to come into their room at all hours of the night. We didn't have any sexual issues in my family. They would tell us if the door is cracked open, we are free to come in. The door was always partially open when the weather was especially bad, of course, or if we had gone to a funeral that day, etc. but for the most part it was "dad needs to get up early". Parents were clear that their room was not OUR room. We were not free to rifle around in whatever was in there. And they respected that our room was our room. They DID crack it open on Sunday mornings when they were awake but not ready to get up, etc.

 

And that's absolutely fine too.