Jealous of partner's wild past - is there hope?

[ConfusedNat]

Hi. First off, I get extremely upset when I talk about this, I hope I am still making a bit of sense...

 

For about 2 years now, I have been in a relationship with the sweetest guy, who would do anything for me. We recently bought an apartment together, he keeps talking about having a family, and I know he is serious about this... but there are just some things I keep dwelling on.

 

My issues:

1) When we met, I wanted to know everything about him, so I scrolled through 10 years worth of Facebook history. What I saw on his wall amused me back then, but unfortunately it's haunting me now - countless girls leaving comments on his wall aboout how much they miss him; girls explicitly referencing intimate encounters between the two; numerous photos from night clubs, with lots of girls around him; him cuddling with girls in bikinis at festivals... I also checked out some of his other social media profiles, and there are literally HUNDREDS of different girls leaving him overly sweet messages, with him replying VERY enthusiastically...

 

We never talked numbers, names or details, because I am worried that it would be too much for me to handle. I prefer not to know.

 

2) All this messing around with girls stopped about 6-7 years ago when he met his ex girlfriend and had a 4 year relationship with her. They broke up eventually, which left him utterly depressed. About a year after their break up, he met me. He wasn't so interested in me at first (he was quite ostensibly pursuing someone else at the bar that night), but he found me on social media a few days after and we started to talk. We eventually met for a drink and talked for hours on end.

 

--> He assured me that he has become tired of going out, meeting girls - he's been there, done that, and now he is ready to settle and has been for a long time. He has been nothing but good to me, but I am not sure if someone who was potentially a big player, can settle.

 

Some examples of how his past affects our present

 

1) I'm just full of doubt because of what I have seen - all the posts, the photos, the hundreds of girls. He met one of his best friends the other day, and he told me about that one time they went out many years ago and they were really drunk and she crashed at his place. I asked where she slept and he said she just crashed in his bed with him, and assured me that there is absolutely nothing sexual between them. But of course I dont believe it. I dont think people just sleep in the same bed with their friends of the opposite sex, drunk, when there is a couch. So now I am suspicious and jealous every time they talk. And I keep thinking about whether they were naked, whether they were touching each other, whether they secretly have an affair, etc... at first he told me that she had a boyfriend back the, so of course nothing happened - he later told me he lied about this because he was too scared of my reaction if I had known both of them were single. He still insists nothing has happened or ever will happen between them.

 

2) The other day, I saw him chatting with a girl from one of the photos - he denied it at first, he says because he was worried about my reaction, but then admitted it was her and re-assured me that there was absolutely nothing and I am just mis-interpreting things I see on Facebook, spinning my own stories out of photos and posts that potentially mean nothing. This is true and I can understand that he is scared of my reaction, which can often be very over-the-top when jealousy is involved.

 

3) I know that around the time we first met, he started talking to another girl, who tried to take him home. He said he politely refused because he wanted to see what would happen with us. But if he just goes to bars, chatting up girls (probably the half that he hasn't slept with yet), then how can I trust him when he tells me he is going out with friends??? Today, when we go to a bar with a grouop of friends and he ends up talking to a girl, I always assume it is because he wants to chat them up.

 

My questions

I deleted him from all social media channels because it was the only way for me to keep stalking his past, but unfortunately I cannot unsee what I have seen. All those photos, all those posts, all those girls... mind you, I don't mind his ex-girlfriends at all (he is 33, but has only ever had 3 proper girlfriends), I just have a huge problem with all the casual hookups and affairs he had when he was younger. I suppose it has to do with my own history (I'm about the same age), I never had any hookups, only relationships.

 

--> How can I feel special when he has been with half of the town (but remember, I don't know any numbers)?

--> If he can just go out and be sexually attracted to ANY girl, then why be with me?!

--> What if he sees their posts on his timeline every day, won't he think of them and the great sex they had? With his relationships, I don't have a problem because they went sour after a while - but if he only slept with some of the girls, then the only memory he has of them is the sex - so what would keep him from wanting more from those girls? How do you guys feel when you see a hookup posting something on Facebook or when you run into them - are you reminded of your great times in bed together?

--> Can a player really ever settle?

--> Should I find someone with a less wild past, or at least someone who doesn't have his wild past plastered all over his social media channels? I really believe that if it wasn't for Facebook or other social media, we would have a great relationship, but I cannot unsee what I have seen.

 

I have already booked an appointment with a therapist, but they told me I'd have to wait several months, so I'd really love to hear your thoughts on this because I spend all my time dwelling on this.

 

Thank you for listening...

Nat

[Krankor]

Well it's a little late now, but obviously digging into his past was a mistake. File that one away as a learning experience. Now when I'm with someone I never delve too deep into her past. I get the outline but ask to be spared the details.

 

Can a player settle down? Sure, if that's what he chooses to do. It's not like it's some curse in which he was bitten by another player. Now--while he tries to fight it--every time there's a full moon suddenly he's applying the Axe body spray and putting on his douche attire and heading off to the bar.

 

He's older now, getting into his mid-thirties, and he's likely sown his wild oats. I have no doubt that he has good memories of his carefree younger days. So what? That doesn't mean he's going to get lured back there.

 

Your best indication of how he is likely to be with you is how he's behaved in the past when he's actually been in relationships. But even that is just a rough estimate, as each relationship has its own dynamic.

 

Now, it's possible that this man will cheat on you. It's possible he'll get bored and want to chase other women and it's possible he'll meet someone else and leave you for her. But any time you enter into a relationship for the rest of your life you are taking that risk. I didn't read any glaring red flags in your post that would make me think he's just too much of a risk.

 

OP, it sounds as if he's never had a problem getting a girl, and he's chosen you, so I want you to believe that you are a catch, that you are worthy. Or, if you really can't handle his past, break up with him. That seems a little unfair though. You've agreed to be with him so I think this relationship deserves a fair chance.

 

What you fear you create. Too much jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity on your part will eventually drive him away, so you HAVE to find a way to tamp down on it. When you feel it welling up, breath, relax, center yourself, and say "He's chosen to be with me today. I don't care about his past."

[SherrySher]

I cannot see this working.

What it comes down to is you and he have different standards and morals. He enjoyed casual sex and by the sounds of it, lots of it. You have never had flings or one night stands. It does and has changed your views on him and you can't unchange that.

 

For whatever reason, he also decided to splash his sex life and flirtatious life, all over social media. Again, this shows the type of man he is or at least was, and no he won't change drastically.

Does it mean he will cheat? who knows, but he is already telling you white lies because he's afraid of your reaction to things, this is another reason why you two will never work.

You think differently, you behave differently, you just are incompatible.

In my opinion, I do think it would be much more better for you to find a man who thinks more along the lines that you do and has had similar sexual past as you have. Someone who has had relationships and not flings and one nighters.

 

If you continue on with this man now, you will grow more and more insecure and resentful. You don't trust him now and deep down, you don't like him. You look at how he behaved and if you were honest with yourself, you're not impressed and it will only grow in resentment.

He doesn't feel open to tell you everything now, and you are watching him more closely than you should be.

This is a recipe for disaster and it is never going to work. You are just way too different.

Social media did not kill this, your differences did.

[Ophelia13]

I think he might not be good for you. If he still talks to a girl he was casually "involved" with at a different point in his life, that, to me, is a red flag. Another red flag would be the fact that old, risqué pictures of him with countless other girls are still up on his facebook profile for everyone to see. If he really wanted to settle down, he would have deleted those pictures.

[Batya33]

You checked up on him because of your own insecurity and trust issues, not because you cared about getting to know him as a person. Having said that I don't think you two are a good match and FWIW I don't blame you.

[rosephase]

So your issues are that he has a lot of flirty cuddly pictures up with girls he met in clubs and at festivals at least 4 years before he met you? And that, again years before he met you, he slept in the same bed with a female friend?

 

Retroactive jealousy sounds awful. You are letting your mental images and imagination ruin a relationship with someone you love.

[boltnrun]

"We never talked numbers, names or details, because I am worried that it would be too much for me to handle. I prefer not to know."

 

If this is true, why did you do the extensive, 10 year search of his Facebook page?

 

I know how much time and effort that takes...it's not something that takes just a few minutes.

 

And he's not going to see their posts on his timeline "every day" unless he does what you did and go to the trouble of scrolling backward several years to search for them.

 

That being said, if you can't handle that he sowed his wild oats YEARS before he ever knew he was going to meet you, then yes, you need to end this relationship NOW. And then search for someone like you, who never had casual encounters and who has only been in exclusive relationships.

[itsallgrand]

Don't bother with a therapist, just break up and find someone more suited to you.

[Scoe141]

Like the others have said, it will probably be extremely difficult for you to ever find security with him.

 

 

Good luck with whatever you choose.

[Krankor]

OP, if his past violates your sense of morality and you feel that your values are simply too far away from your boyfriend's, then perhaps you should break up. Hopefully you'll be able to find a man who has only ever had sex within the context of an exclusive relationship who you are as attracted to and into as your current boyfriend.

 

However, if you end up breaking up with him simply because you are giving in to your insecurities, as a sort of "get him before he gets me" thing, I think that would be really, really sad.

[Batya33]

OP, if his past violates your sense of morality and you feel that your values are simply too far away from your boyfriend's, then perhaps you should break up. Hopefully you'll be able to find a man who has only ever had sex within the context of an exclusive relationship who you are as attracted to and into as your current boyfriend.

 

However, if you end up breaking up with him simply because you are giving in to your insecurities, as a sort of "get him before he gets me" thing, I think that would be really, really sad.

 

I didn't read this at all as the OP not being comfortable with someone who has had casual sex. It's the number of partners/casual sex experiences he has had.

[Krankor]

I didn't read this at all as the OP not being comfortable with someone who has had casual sex. It's the number of partners/casual sex experiences he has had.

You are probably right, but I stand by what I said in terms of differentiating between insecurity and incompatible values.

[Batya33]

You are probably right, but I stand by what I said in terms of differentiating between insecurity and incompatible values.

 

Of course, and the way you described it to that extreme muddied that point -now it's much clearer for the OP IMO.

[nutbrownhare]

"We never talked numbers, names or details, because I am worried that it would be too much for me to handle. I prefer not to know."

 

If this is true, why did you do the extensive, 10 year search of his Facebook page?

 

This ^^^. Just doesn't add up; it sounds more likely that you wish the partner you're with wasn't the partner you're with. If this bothers you - and it clearly does - you need to move on.

[JaggerJim]

Personally, I think you should just get over it.

[Wiseman2]

Unless you date a former priest good luck with that. You could find someone without all the stuff it must have taken you hours, days, weeks, years to dredge through on social media. But that doesn't mean there isn't a past or he was a virgin until he met you.

 

It must have become like having a second job or full time hobby.

 

To be honest the act of sifting through someone's social media from 10 years back is a bit more worrisome than whatever was on it.

--> Should I find someone with a less wild past, or at least someone who doesn't have his wild past plastered all over his social media channels?

[nutbrownhare]

To be honest the act of sifting through someone's social media from 10 years back is a bit more worrisome than whatever was on it.

 

Yes, almost as if you were hoping to catch him out. Personally, I'm of the opinion that:

 

(a) many people do stupid, reckless things when they are young

(b) having done the stupid things, they've got it out of their system and have no wish to repeat the experience

© unless the past is impinging on the present - e.g. he has twenty women coming after him for child support - it should remain firmly in the past

(d) unless the behaviour is continuing into the present - it should remain firmly in the past

(e) the only relationship which is significant is the one with the current partner

 

Either move on and find someone whose past is comparable to yours, or accept that he's with you now, wants to settle down and that it's 2017 and not ten years ago.

[Bananapulp]

]

[Bananapulp]

Just a thought. You can't move forward if ya ain't got trust for ya man. 🤷🏻♀️

[Eleni72]

Don't you feel lucky? That after having met all those girls he chose you? I suffer from my husband's obsession with my own past and I can tell you first hand, you are just ruining a wonderful relationship by digging up what's of no importance to him. If he wanted it, he would still be there but he is with you. Relax and enjoy it.