Weight and eating during dates

[Naomi99]

You need to learn how to play the fishing game.

 

Next time you're having dinner with him, say, "Oh, man, I think I'm gaining weight." (even though you aren't) Then watch his reaction. If he goes, "Yeah, let's go to the gym afterwards," then you know what he thinks. If he says, "No way, you're fine. Quit with the crazy talk," then you know that soda/pasta stuff was all in your mind.

[Jibralta]

I'm 5'4 and like 127lbs. Either way, I guess I didn't notice it before but I've noticed it feels like he judges my diet and controls what I eat subtly. Like when we go somewhere, he will want dessert but when we get there, he will say "oh you can stay in the car, I'll go get it" and he gets his one dessert without asking if I want anything and will eat it in front of me and maybe partially share it at the end. And once, we went to dinner and I felt like eating some pasta and when I said so he's like "oh you're going heavy tonight?" And if I order a soda, he will take my glass and only fill it partially. Or once, he asked if we could eat healthy that morning so I said okay. We went for breakfast, I got egg whites and fruit and he orders an omelette and a cinnamon roll and eats it in front of me, without really offering. And once when I ordered coffee and it was sweet, he was so shocked about how sweet it was, and later in the day, he turned on some documentary about the harmful effects of sugar. I just get the feeling he's restricting my diet.

 

I get the feeling he thinks he's your grandmother!

 

120 lbs or 500 lbs, it's really your business what you eat. He behaves like a mother hen. Yikes, that's oppressive and NO FUN!

 

I hope you can talk some sense into him, but don't be surprised if he can't change. People are who they are, and some people are born nags.

[katrina1980]

I get the feeling he thinks he's your grandmother!

 

120 lbs or 500 lbs, it's really your business what you eat. He behaves like a mother hen. Yikes, that's oppressive and NO FUN!

 

I hope you can talk some sense into him, but don't be surprised if he can't change. People are who they are, and some people are born nags.

 

The way I see it, whatever 'feeling' she has about this man is 'her' projecting her insecurities about her weight on to him which HE knows nothing about. And then voicing those insecurities here and some of his behavior which reinforces those insecurities in her own mind, to which most are jumping on the bandwagon accusing him of godonlyknowswhat (nothing good). People are forgetting that she has also said he is constantly telling her how beautiful she is, spends lots of time with her, is very caring and affectionate during and after sex, and other than HER projecting her weight issues on to him, she has been very happy with him! But now after reading these posts, her vision of him has changed, so she's been distant, and he is now distant, the relationship could be over, that is sad.

 

Like I said, nothing he has done warrants all these accusations, other than again he is clueless and maybe insensitive about some things. SHE needs to talk to him about this.

[katrina1980]

Like when he left her sitting in car while he went for dessert, she could have spoken up and said "hell no I'm going in with you, I want dessert too!" Or something like that. Or when he filled her glass halfway, she could have said "would you fill it all the way to top please?" He may not even noticed how clueless these things appeared. But because she is insecure about her weight, she assumed he did those things because he thinks she's overweight, this is all happening in her own head, which again HE knows nothing about.

[RainyCoast]

well go ahead and do those things to someone and when they tell you you've no business in their portions tell them they're just projecting.

 

when did her insecurity ever equal benevolence of his rationale and behavior? you can sit him down next to the most confident person in the world and this would still not be neutral behavior. (though that person would laugh in his face at the least)

 

her insecurity and submissiveness contributes in the sense that she enables the behavior and allows for it. it does not mean the behavior is neutral or acceptable.

 

that

someone's insecurities are triggered does not automatically make the triggers wrongly perceived through the lens of their fear. both can be, and frequently is true: one is oversensitive, and the trigger is sth realistically bothersome.

 

i have a 47 year old man reading this whom i practically had to force to read the whole thing because he was spewing out dump him why do you have to ask before he even read half of it.

 

i'm not saying she should dump him (i am saying that I would) but that she isn't being irrational in her interpretation of his behavior. what she does with that, i'll leave to her.

[Jibralta]

What I suspect is that your self-esteem is so low you'll stick around and hope to "talk him out of it" until he loses interest and dumps you.

 

I don't get this impression of her. On the contrary, to me it seems as though she's got a pretty good perspective. She just gets knocked off course a bit by family and past experience:

 

And when I brought it up with family, they tore me down and made me feel like I'm crazy and actually said that. That I'm being crazy, picky, that I just need to marry myself. And I believed them. I caved yet again in my conviction and felt terrible, thinking that I was too difficult, this is why I'm single because I have too high standards etc.

 

Of course my esteem and eating disorders come from them, I'm well aware, they caused it.

[Jibralta]

The way I see it, whatever 'feeling' she has about this man is 'her' projecting her insecurities about her weight on to him which HE knows nothing about. And then voicing those insecurities here and some of his behavior which reinforces those insecurities in her own mind, to which most are jumping on the bandwagon accusing him of godonlyknowswhat (nothing good). People are forgetting that she has also said he is constantly telling her how beautiful she is, spends lots of time with her, is very caring and affectionate during and after sex, and other than HER projecting her weight issues on to him, she has been very happy with him! But now after reading these posts, her vision of him has changed, so she's been distant, and he is now distant, the relationship could be over, that is sad.

 

Like I said, nothing he has done warrants all these accusations, other than again he is clueless and maybe insensitive about some things.

 

I wouldn't go that far. Sure, she has insecurities about weight. But that doesn't mean that she is completely blinded by projection. She can be insecure about weight AND capable of correctly identifying a problem.

 

And he, like all people, is capable of talking out of both sides of his mouth: On one hand telling her that she's beautiful, while undermining her self confidence in other ways.

[katrina1980]

I wouldn't go that far. Sure, she has insecurities about weight. But that doesn't mean that she is completely blinded by projection. She can be insecure about weight AND capable of correctly identifying a problem.

 

And he, like all people, is capable of talking out of both sides of his mouth: On one hand telling her that she's beautiful, while undermining her self confidence in other ways.

 

No one can undermine our self-confidence unless we allow them too. If she were self-confident, this would not be happening. She would not be assuming the few things he's doing are because he thinks she's fat or needs to lose (which is nuts considering she is 5'4" and 127 pounds which is HARDLY overweight), she would assume he's clueless (which he is), and she would be speaking up, standing her ground, and not allowing him to treat her in ways she doesn't like.

[RainyCoast]

with minimal awareness of how individual complexes play out interpersonally it becomes clear that the answer to

is he overbearing or am i not assertive enough

am i too insecure about looks or is he imposing shallow standards on me

am i too needy or is this person too detached etc

can be, and usually is, both. that's what makes interpersonal dynamics so predictable.

 

people like to split like all things are mutually exclusive opposites. with the example of what he thinks about her looks he clearly does like what he sees and just as well appears to feel entitled to gild the lily by chiselling her into greek sculpture style perfection. it's nothing shocking for both to be true. she could be angelina and he could and would find something he wants even better- attempt to influence the shape of her eyebrows or whatever with the same persistence he tries to influence her diet.

 

i may also add that he, by his own admission, treats others this way too. consciously. thus he is not clueless and if he were she could just as well say whatever the conscious or unconscious motive, the behavior isn't acceptable because it is, in effect, all the same for her.

( and it would be equally bothersome for anyone i believe and personally find it a bit obtuse to suggest she is practically delusional in her perception. wonder if ppl would set up another date with him if he did that and if so, i would still think she would be wise to have higher standards than that)

 

i do echo wiseman though. it is likely he partially feels entitled to control what goes on a plate when he is paying for it. equally annoying, but added reason to pay for one's own food.

[Jibralta]

No one can undermine our self-confidence unless we allow them too. If she were self-confident, this would not be happening. She would not be assuming the few things he's doing are because he thinks she's fat or needs to lose (which is nuts considering she is 5'4" and 127 pounds which is HARDLY overweight), she would assume he's clueless (which he is), and she would be speaking up, standing her ground, and not allowing him to treat her in ways she doesn't like.

 

That would be true, if self-esteem (or lack thereof) was a choice that people made: "Today, I'm going to wear my blue dress, red heels, abandon my self confidence, and seek validation through the approval of other people," said nobody ever.

 

Poor self-esteem is a condition, often a reaction to past circumstances. You can make a conscious choice to overcome it. But it's not like flicking a light switch. It's a process that involves identifying your triggers and weaknesses, and facing them. I personally give Brokenheart99 the benefit of the doubt in this respect. I think that she is not paranoid, but capable of recognizing a repeat dynamic for what it is, facing it, and healing herself. Eventually, she will come to the point where she can shut it down like flicking a switch. But right now, she is in the beginning stages. It starts with recognition.

[Naomi99]

Why don't you just ask him, "Do you think I'm fat?"

 

If he says yes, dump him. If he says no, dump him.

[Brokenheart99]

Man this thread took off.

 

Am I self confident? For the most part, yes. Am I good read of people? Actually, I believe so. Do I have insecurities? Absolutely. Do I have trouble speaking up for myself? Yes, but that's not necessarily because I'm not confident, I can barely beckon a waiter over if they make my food wrong, its just my natural shyness I've had since childhood. Does my ability to speak up about things get worse if it's about my insecurity? Yes, absolutely, because I'm ashamed of it and I don't like it being called to attention.

 

I think it's not black and white entirely. It's not that he is controlling or not. I think he likes the way I look for the most part but probably thinks I would look even better if he could fix this. He's shallow. He's a perfectionist in a way. And he wants a perfect girl probably. But he's probably realized they don't exist or they don't like him back. And yes, he's likely overbearing to others as well, I can see it. They have just called him out on it or let it roll off of them. And, so yes I'm sure that he isn't clueless about the restrictions he puts on my diet, they seem very intentional imo. And I don't think it's that he feels entitled To control my food because he's paying. It's typically just normal manners when you are ordering(at least for me), you walk into say a McDonalds and just ask "do you want anything, im gonna grab something." I've been on enough dates to see this happen and to see how guys who don't care about my weight or diet treat me. So I'm sure to some degree he probably thinks I eat badly and this is why I don't lose those last extra pounds that would make me look "perfect". Little does he know how hard I try during the week and on dates especially, I lax a little. Mainly because if I order a salad with no dressing in front of my date, it calls attention to my weight and the fact that I'm on a diet in front of my date. So I typically don't and eat what I want, something not too healthy but not too bad either. Yes, I know, it's my insecurity.

 

No one but he knows what his real motives are. And I'll only know IF I ask him, assuming he's truthful. The real question is whether I'm ready to hear his truth "I think you look great but I think you would look even better if you dropped a few." And whether I'm ready to handle what comes after that. Now that I've brought that up and addressed the hidden elephant in the room, I will feel even more self conscious next time I eat around him(if there is a next time), because he will know now my insecurities about my weight.

 

Other things he nit picked about my looks and asked about nicely, I guess I wasn't as insecure about and I outright told him. And when he suggested a "cure" for my problem, I spoke up and told him "do you want to do the same for yourself??" He shut up about it and it's a non issue for me and he compliments me in a subtle way about it.

 

I'm not sure this will be the same, but I'm afraid to hear his truth too. Not because I fear I will not be okay with it and have to break it off, but because it will just hurt my feelings to hear that from someone you like. Truth be told, as confident as most women are, no girl wants to hear that.

[notalady]

That would be true, if self-esteem (or lack thereof) was a choice that people made: "Today, I'm going to wear my blue dress, red heels, abandon my self confidence, and seek validation through the approval of other people," said nobody ever.

 

Poor self-esteem is a condition, often a reaction to past circumstances. You can make a conscious choice to overcome it. But it's not like flicking a light switch. It's a process that involves identifying your triggers and weaknesses, and facing them. I personally give Brokenheart99 the benefit of the doubt in this respect. I think that she is not paranoid, but capable of recognizing a repeat dynamic for what it is, facing it, and healing herself. Eventually, she will come to the point where she can shut it down like flicking a switch. But right now, she is in the beginning stages. It starts with recognition.

 

Indeed. Also I think even the most confident person in the world would have moments of weaknesses, especially when it comes to someone whose opinion they care about (eg someone they are in a relationship with).

 

I'm confident about myself 99% of the time, I know my self-worth, but when I was with my ex and one time he saw a photo of me in turtleneck, pointed at it and laughed, I couldn't help but feel bad about it. And of course also immediately recognising that a) there is nothing wrong with my personal style, b) he is the one who doesn't know how to appreciate my style and c) he's simply being an insensitive jerk (and as many other incidences later shown, he is).

 

I think if the OP came here crying, he did this and that, does he think I'm fat? Is he not attracted to me anymore? Then yes I think she's insecure. But she wrote here recognising that her weight is normal, and recognising that his behaviour could mean he's being controlling, she shared her observations and analysed with us. That shows self awareness and rationality. So while she might have issue with her weight (as one can understand why since her family often told her so), she can also be observant about others behaviour and can rationally analyse what these behaviour might indicate.

 

The missing piece for the OP, to me, is being assertive and speak up as things happen, to be more aware of her own boundaries and not be afraid to speak up about it. That takes time and lots of practice. I personally hated confrontation when I was much younger (in my late teens early twenties), then I started practicing standing/speaking up for myself when dealing with just random people in general (shops, restaurants, buses etc), when normally I would've just let it slide. I took it as a practice to make myself more comfortable with and used to speaking up. So that when it comes to important things and important people, I already have that ability and can do so comfortably. It takes practice.

 

It also sounds to me like the OP didn't really think about it too much at the time of these events, and only over time starting to feel uncomfortable with the accumulation of these similar incidents. I can relate to that because sometimes my natural instinct is to not take note of how I feel at the time as much and just let things go, but might later on reflection realise that's how I felt and I should've said something. It kinda goes hand in hand with the conflict avoidant thing. Again, it took practice over the years to become more in tune with how I feel at the time things happen and to quickly speak up if needed.

 

I think OP is on the right track, just need to learn and practice on a few things.

[Brokenheart99]

Exactly Notalady!!!!! Being more assertive and realizing what's happening in the situation is something I wrote as a goal on my New Years resolution. Because I am so shy and I hate speaking up about things. Even as a kid. How did you get to correct that? What practice did you do? Because even when friends or especially family say something mean(just like they did the other day), I could barely speak up about it and just caved and believed it until I thought about it more and realized WHY it didn't sit well with me. And at that point, I was just more frustrated with myself for not speaking up and caving yet again and letting it hurt me. I guess family knows exactly how to pinpoint your insecurities and say the right things to get you where it hurts

[Wiseman2]

What problem? Does he fancy himself a health know-it-all? He sounds like an annoying nag. But no, he doesn't constantly have to offer to buy you stuff nor offer to share, etc. when you have never once reciprocated.

 

It this one of those people you go to dinner with and the whole time they are talking about 'going vegan' or' sustainable eating' or 'going organic'or 'low carb' or whatever, etc.?

he suggested a "cure" for my problem

[katrina1980]

That would be true, if self-esteem (or lack thereof) was a choice that people made: "Today, I'm going to wear my blue dress, red heels, abandon my self confidence, and seek validation through the approval of other people," said nobody ever.

 

Poor self-esteem is a condition, often a reaction to past circumstances. You can make a conscious choice to overcome it. But it's not like flicking a light switch. It's a process that involves identifying your triggers and weaknesses, and facing them. I personally give Brokenheart99 the benefit of the doubt in this respect. I think that she is not paranoid, but capable of recognizing a repeat dynamic for what it is, facing it, and healing herself. Eventually, she will come to the point where she can shut it down like flicking a switch. But right now, she is in the beginning stages. It starts with recognition.

 

I agree with all of that, but my response was more because of all the assumptions/accusations being made about this guy which to me is unwarranted when in reality what this is really about is her insecurity and lack of self-esteem. Obviously she needs to overcome these issues which isn't easy, but in the meantime, if she wants to date, she needs to leave her issues at the door and not be projecting them on and making assumption about how her dates feel. She has no idea how they feel about her weight or anything else, unless she asks OR they tell her. In this situation, she did not ask nor did he tell her, she just assumed based on some minor behaviors which could have been easily resolved if only she had spoken up.

[Batya33]

Man this thread took off.

 

Am I self confident? For the most part, yes. Am I good read of people? Actually, I believe so. Do I have insecurities? Absolutely. Do I have trouble speaking up for myself? Yes, but that's not necessarily because I'm not confident, I can barely beckon a waiter over if they make my food wrong, its just my natural shyness I've had since childhood. Does my ability to speak up about things get worse if it's about my insecurity? Yes, absolutely, because I'm ashamed of it and I don't like it being called to attention.

 

I think it's not black and white entirely. It's not that he is controlling or not. I think he likes the way I look for the most part but probably thinks I would look even better if he could fix this. He's shallow. He's a perfectionist in a way. And he wants a perfect girl probably. But he's probably realized they don't exist or they don't like him back. And yes, he's likely overbearing to others as well, I can see it. They have just called him out on it or let it roll off of them. And, so yes I'm sure that he isn't clueless about the restrictions he puts on my diet, they seem very intentional imo. And I don't think it's that he feels entitled To control my food because he's paying. It's typically just normal manners when you are ordering(at least for me), you walk into say a McDonalds and just ask "do you want anything, im gonna grab something." I've been on enough dates to see this happen and to see how guys who don't care about my weight or diet treat me. So I'm sure to some degree he probably thinks I eat badly and this is why I don't lose those last extra pounds that would make me look "perfect". Little does he know how hard I try during the week and on dates especially, I lax a little. Mainly because if I order a salad with no dressing in front of my date, it calls attention to my weight and the fact that I'm on a diet in front of my date. So I typically don't and eat what I want, something not too healthy but not too bad either. Yes, I know, it's my insecurity.

 

No one but he knows what his real motives are. And I'll only know IF I ask him, assuming he's truthful. The real question is whether I'm ready to hear his truth "I think you look great but I think you would look even better if you dropped a few." And whether I'm ready to handle what comes after that. Now that I've brought that up and addressed the hidden elephant in the room, I will feel even more self conscious next time I eat around him(if there is a next time), because he will know now my insecurities about my weight.

 

Other things he nit picked about my looks and asked about nicely, I guess I wasn't as insecure about and I outright told him. And when he suggested a "cure" for my problem, I spoke up and told him "do you want to do the same for yourself??" He shut up about it and it's a non issue for me and he compliments me in a subtle way about it.

 

I'm not sure this will be the same, but I'm afraid to hear his truth too. Not because I fear I will not be okay with it and have to break it off, but because it will just hurt my feelings to hear that from someone you like. Truth be told, as confident as most women are, no girl wants to hear that.

 

I had a borderline eating disorder in my teens/20s. I was overweight only for a few months while on a bad birth control pill and when I was pregnant in my 40s. There is no way I could deal with someone having that reaction to how I ate/what I ate. I'm married and my husband had to change his eating habits because he's pre-diabetic. And yes I do make comments from time to time about what he chooses to eat but not because of his looks - because of his health and my concern -and because he doesn't always know what the right choices are. But I limit the comments and he is ok with it. If he's ever made comments about what/how I eat it's to try to get me to indulge more. I did date a few men who were into imposing their eating habits on me including one date with a guy who wanted to compare body fat percentages and brag about his.

 

Please avoid this guy like the plague. It's ridiculous for him to try to control your eating in the way he does. Buh bye.

[Jibralta]

I agree with all of that, but my response was more because of all the assumptions/accusations being made about this guy which to me is unwarranted when in reality what this is really about is her insecurity and lack of self-esteem. Obviously she needs to overcome these issues which isn't easy, but in the meantime, if she wants to date, she needs to leave her issues at the door and not be projecting them on and making assumption about how her dates feel. She has no idea how they feel about her weight or anything else, unless she asks OR they tell her. In this situation, she did not ask nor did he tell her, she just assumed based on some minor behaviors which could have been easily resolved if only she had spoken up.

 

I don't think you need to be a perfectly whole person before you can date or even marry. Many wonderful partnerships are born when people's issues compliment each other. I have rampant ADHD. My boyfriend is borderline OCD. We do great together.

 

I also don't think that most people perceive feelings through verbal communication. People read and communicate feelings through posture, expression, tone of voice, and behavior, to name a few. When you get to the point where you need people to tell you what their feelings are, you're in for trouble because people can lie, and you won't be able to tell the difference.

[katrina1980]

Man this thread took off.

 

Am I self confident? For the most part, yes. Am I good read of people? Actually, I believe so. Do I have insecurities? Absolutely. Do I have trouble speaking up for myself? Yes, but that's not necessarily because I'm not confident, I can barely beckon a waiter over if they make my food wrong, its just my natural shyness I've had since childhood. Does my ability to speak up about things get worse if it's about my insecurity? Yes, absolutely, because I'm ashamed of it and I don't like it being called to attention.

 

I think it's not black and white entirely. It's not that he is controlling or not. I think he likes the way I look for the most part but probably thinks I would look even better if he could fix this. He's shallow. He's a perfectionist in a way. And he wants a perfect girl probably. But he's probably realized they don't exist or they don't like him back. And yes, he's likely overbearing to others as well, I can see it. They have just called him out on it or let it roll off of them. And, so yes I'm sure that he isn't clueless about the restrictions he puts on my diet, they seem very intentional imo. And I don't think it's that he feels entitled To control my food because he's paying. It's typically just normal manners when you are ordering(at least for me), you walk into say a McDonalds and just ask "do you want anything, im gonna grab something." I've been on enough dates to see this happen and to see how guys who don't care about my weight or diet treat me. So I'm sure to some degree he probably thinks I eat badly and this is why I don't lose those last extra pounds that would make me look "perfect". Little does he know how hard I try during the week and on dates especially, I lax a little. Mainly because if I order a salad with no dressing in front of my date, it calls attention to my weight and the fact that I'm on a diet in front of my date. So I typically don't and eat what I want, something not too healthy but not too bad either. Yes, I know, it's my insecurity.

 

No one but he knows what his real motives are. And I'll only know IF I ask him, assuming he's truthful. The real question is whether I'm ready to hear his truth "I think you look great but I think you would look even better if you dropped a few." And whether I'm ready to handle what comes after that. Now that I've brought that up and addressed the hidden elephant in the room, I will feel even more self conscious next time I eat around him(if there is a next time), because he will know now my insecurities about my weight.

 

Other things he nit picked about my looks and asked about nicely, I guess I wasn't as insecure about and I outright told him. And when he suggested a "cure" for my problem, I spoke up and told him "do you want to do the same for yourself??" He shut up about it and it's a non issue for me and he compliments me in a subtle way about it.

 

I'm not sure this will be the same, but I'm afraid to hear his truth too. Not because I fear I will not be okay with it and have to break it off, but because it will just hurt my feelings to hear that from someone you like. Truth be told, as confident as most women are, no girl wants to hear that.

 

Bottom line - Brokenheart if this man makes you feel badly about yourself and exacerbates the insecurities you have about your weight, then don't date him anymore. That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm sorry this one didn't work out, lesson learned.

[boltnrun]

The way I cured myself of the fear of speaking up was this:

 

Asking myself "what is the worst thing that could happen?"

 

If I speak up about something that bothers me, the other person can a) apologize, b) get angry c) stop being my friend/cousin/child, d) get defensive or e) change their behavior with no apology.

 

So let's presume the person does b and c. OK. That is their choice. And if someone gets angry because I spoke up for myself I probably don't need that person in my life. If it's a family member I usually get cut more slack, but if it's someone who purports to be my friend and gets angry and stomps off because I expressed myself, well, they weren't and aren't a friend anyway.

 

I use that in other parts of my life too...when applying for a promotion or asking for a raise, when asking friends to help me move, etc. What's the worst that can happen? I won't die and the world won't end if they say "no".

 

And many times the person didn't even know what they were saying or doing bothered me. For example, one of my cousins likes to taunt family members about their favorite sports teams losing a game. I personally don't like taunting because I don't get why it's "fun" to get someone else upset. So when my cousin pulled that with me, rather than whining "please stop taunting me, it hurts my feelings!!!" I said "love you too cousin!" And my cousin immediately apologized. Sure, I could have fumed or cried by myself or felt hurt, but what would that have accomplished? Now my cousin no longer taunts me and all is well.

 

I find it's much easier to get what I want when I just ask for it.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't get this impression of her. On the contrary, to me it seems as though she's got a pretty good perspective. She just gets knocked off course a bit by family and past experience

 

Never mind ...

[ParisPaulette]

Interesting thread. I wonder what people's take would have been if instead of this guy being subtly or not so subtly controlling about food, he'd been that way about her makeup or hair or how she dressed. Like complaining about how girls in short skirts send the wrong message, then looking OP up and down and commenting that some people don't have the legs for a nice skirt. Or worse, reaching over to pull her skirt down when she stood up, as if "Oh my GOD you are showing some leg!!!!" (Yes, this happened to me and no he didn't get a second date. You don't get to control or make me feel bad about what I'm wearing.) Ditto my food. In fact, I cannot remember ever EVER acting the way this guy did about food with any of my dates or with anyone who went out with me doing the same.

 

So I still stand by the guy was being controlling and showing some very clear red flags that no, normal men, do not show. In fact, most of the guys I know might be more like, "Oh thank god, a woman who isn't obsessed with eating rabbit food!" and that will be the only thing they say about food, if at all.

 

But OP, I think from this thread that you should take away, is the need to speak up in the future when someone starts making you feel bad or upset about something that isn't really that big of a deal to begin with. Fine if they yell at you for running red lights, I mean hopefully everyone would do that? But digging at you subtly over your eating habits? Um, excuse me? When you did, as you saw, he left. And that's actually what you want to do. You want to draw boundaries. You don't have to be nasty about it, or rude, but for heavens sake speak up when someone does something like that and feel free to point out things like hypocrisy, double standards, controlling behaviors or things that make you feel bad which frankly shouldn't be there at all. Also feel free to decide what your boundaries are, to set them, and if someone doesn't like it tell them there's the door and they can just go.

 

And stick to it, because it's your life. You are the one who has to live within your own skin, we are not on this earth forever, why let people take up your time and life who make you feel bad over nothing. Because trust me, at 127 lbs. his actions were nothing. Absolutely, much ado about zero anything. If you weighed 227 lbs. I would still feel the same. Then it's "Well, you idiot, don't date her if it makes you think you have to be the dessert police."

 

The fact is it is not normal for someone to start in criticizing you. Acting all upset and surprised about sugar in the coffee? Where the hell has this guy been at? Has he really never been to a Starbucks before? That's practically all they serve!

 

So no, I think you just need to fine tune your red flag meter is all and be okay with employing it. At the least speaking up when someone around you does something that bothers you. If you find that hard to do go take some assertiveness classes or find a really good self-defense class or read up on how to assert yourself and what red flags to be aware of with people. Arm yourself with some knowledge and you'll do just fine.

[ParisPaulette]

OP, I'm sharing a link to an excellent article in Psychology Today on the signs of a controlling partner.

 

Please pay special attention to Points #2 and #7 and #15, because those are the red flags I saw right off the bat from your post. Many of the others can or do develop down the road, some subtle, some not so subtle. But regardless I think this might be a good article for you to read.

 

Anyways I do wish you the best in deciding what is a dealbreaker for you, because at the end of the day it's your life, you're the one who has to live it, not any of us.

[Andrina]

"Ms Darcy- so then why is he dating me? If I'm not up to his par or fundamentally incompatible and I haven't been in the time he's been with me, why is he dating me? Whys he always want to be with me physically and on a long term level? I don't get it then."

 

Actually, the reason is that he is highly flawed with his controlling, passive aggressive emotionally abusing behavior, and he subconsciously chooses women he knows are highly flawed with low self esteem issues, just as your misguided subconscious sought him out and you're engaging with him in a warped psychological dance. Bullies will always seek out doormats, and doormats think they deserve that behavior, on a deep seated level.

 

Choosing a partner you're attracted to is not shallow. Your excuse for him, that his concentration and focus on the body is a totally normal guy thing, is not correct. He speaks of the body and diet just about every time you're together. This is an unhealthy obsession. No guy whom I've ever dated has done this, although I've heard of a few men like him who do this. I even heard of some guy who works on the Howard Stern Show who had a clause in his pre-nuptial that his wife couldn't gain more than 10 pounds. This is insane to me, and I'd never stay with someone who had that thought process.

 

You are going to keep choosing the same type of sub-par man until you've thoroughly worked on yourself and your self esteem. Stop confiding in your family about men. You already know it's of no benefit to you. Take care and good luck.

[superkatnip]

This post makes me ever so sad. This is the beginning of what controlling people do to others. Rarely do they come right out and pull your plate away before you are done, ask you to get on a scale weekly, tell you you have on too much mascara, or ask you "are you wearing that?" I agree 100% with PP's analysis. I lived this life for almost 20 years. I look back and think of all of the time I wasted trying to fit change me to improve someone else's self-esteem.

When I met my ex-husband, I was 18, 5"10 and I weighed 130 lbs. He was a bit thin and was into body building. He was obsessed with fitness and I joined him in the gym regularly. I started getting muscle tone and he commented on me getting fat. By this time I was head over heels for him and had no boundaries. Our relationship in many ways was great, but he was extremely controlling and it was not until after much therapy 20 years later that I finally learned to tell him where to get off.

OP, Go by how you feel with him. If this bothers you, speak up NOW. If he can't deal with it, then move on.

I do agree with some of the other posters that you also need to work on your self-esteem as I did, but his behavior is certainly questionable and disturbing this early in a relationship.