Weight and eating during dates

[nutbrownhare]

But I think I have to be more assertive and vocal about eating what I want and tell him that my weight is my insecurity and see how he responds.

Just be assertive about your eating. No need to explain or justify.

 

I have too many insecurities to be with someone who doesn't make me feel wonderful and I don't feel like I can be myself with.

This is back to front. Nobody else can make you feel wonderful; though you may get a temporary ego boost from someone else, if you don't feel wonderful inside then it isn't going to last. When you have a proper self regard, though, you will find that you make much wiser choices about who you keep in your life. People who are trying to put you down will just feel boring and a pain, but won't affect you any more deeply than that.

[Wiseman2]

No don't do this. He's not a therapist. It not his or anyone's job to treat you with kid gloves because of food, diet or weight issues.

 

Instead get a real therapist to work on that. Also join a gym or yoga or fitness whatever classes for better self confidence.. Take some nutrition classes. He's not a dietitian, ignore him.. Don't fix him, fix you.

 

Just eat what you want, how you want and when you want and consider his bossy and controlling or know-it-all behavior a red flag or an annoyance. Up to you.

tell him that my weight is my insecurity

[Ms Darcy]

Knowing some dudes like this, what I would get is that he thinks you look great but would be a 10 or something of you lost a few pounds. So, he's trying to give you hints on that direction.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think he had to offer you anything, just as you're not obliged to share your fruit with him. I agree with the others that you can go ahead and be more forceful and let his comments roll off of you. If you're in the mood for pasta, go ahead and have it.

 

I'm personally overweight (actually obese) and guys don't make comments about what I eat. It's actually pretty nice! I guess it's because they're not expecting a skinny woman if they're on a date with me.

 

As a side note, I think it's not as common for someone to start dating someone obese and then start controlling what you eat. People, right or wrong, will associate a bigger appetite with a bigger person.

[akrngrl]

Putting aside what exactly his actions or statements were, it's more about how they made you feel. You mentioned that it makes you feel poorly about yourself and that you're kind of thinking he's not so great anymore (even if just through this lense).

 

That should be enough to walk. Trust me, I get family saying the "you're too picky, you'll end up alone" bit and I've pushed aside my unhappiness more often than I care to admit because of it and not once have any of those relationships ultimately ever worked out. Even if these people have your very best interests in mind, they are not the ones that have to date this person and actively choose this person as a potential partner day after day.

 

We are about the same size and I will shamelessly eat a large size cheese pizza on my own. The man I'm dating can either get on board with that or get out, but those passive aggressive underhanded comments? Nope, I don't need that kinda negativity in my life. You deserve the sweetest coffee AND the biggest cinnamon bun if that's what you feel like that day.

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah ms Darcy - I think you're really right. He always tells me I look great etc and he's actually the one that walked up to me in a party full of girls and talked to me. So I don't think he thinks I look bad, he prob just wants me a bit skinnier. He's made it quite clear he's very shalllow, but most guys I know are. It usually changes after a while or they stop caring as much is what I hear, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm on the fence still. I guess I'll decide more after I bring it up with him.

 

And I still don't feel comfortable accepting the favor from him because I don't want to "owe" him anything, but I think it's mainly because I'm bitter. But it's already too late and I've already agreed to accept the favor and going back on it again will make me look fickle and crazy. Urgh.

[browneyedgirl36]

Putting aside what exactly his actions or statements were, it's more about how they made you feel. You mentioned that it makes you feel poorly about yourself and that you're kind of thinking he's not so great anymore (even if just through this lense).

 

That should be enough to walk. Trust me, I get family saying the "you're too picky, you'll end up alone" bit and I've pushed aside my unhappiness more often than I care to admit because of it and not once have any of those relationships ultimately ever worked out. Even if these people have your very best interests in mind, they are not the ones that have to date this person and actively choose this person as a potential partner day after day.

 

We are about the same size and I will shamelessly eat a large size cheese pizza on my own. The man I'm dating can either get on board with that or get out, but those passive aggressive underhanded comments? Nope, I don't need that kinda negativity in my life. You deserve the sweetest coffee AND the biggest cinnamon bun if that's what you feel like that day.

 

This is my feeling exactly. I'm actually slightly overweight (between 15-20 pounds, and I've been as much as 40-45 pounds overweight in the past) and I have struggled my whole life with my weight (since I was about 5, to be exact). I eat reasonably well, and I exercise, but I do like some candy or more than one piece of pizza sometimes, and no one - no man, woman, child, my mother, whoever -- is going to tell me I "shouldn't" have it -- either bluntly OR in that icky, passive-aggressive way that the OP's boyfriend delivers his "truth." And, yes, it does sound controlling to me -- not in an extremely overt way, but...I have a feeling that this guy, over time, would become controlling about a lot of other things, too.

 

We can all find more than enough reasons to feel like crap about ourselves, and being in a relationship with someone who's hovering over me, food/weight-wise, would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

And yeah, don't listen to people who tell you "you're too picky" and "you'll end up alone." It's a passive-aggressive way of telling you to lower your standards and settle for someone that may not be right for you. Even if it were true...there are worse things than being alone. I guarantee it.

[katrina1980]

 

Like when we go somewhere, he will want dessert but when we get there, he will say "oh you can stay in the car, I'll go get it" and he gets his one dessert without asking if I want anything and will eat it in front of me and maybe partially share it at the end.

 

And once, we went to dinner and I felt like eating some pasta and when I said so he's like "oh you're going heavy tonight?"

 

And if I order a soda, he will take my glass and only fill it partially. And once when I ordered coffee and it was sweet, he was so shocked about how sweet it was, and later in the day, he turned on some documentary about the harmful effects of sugar.

 

I don't know if I would deem the above 'controlling' I would need more info to determine that, but it's definitely rude and obnoxious (especially the first one) and I would have no desire to date a man who behaved this way, nor should you.

[Wiseman2]

Is he paying for the food? He sounds like he doesn't like sharing or paying.

[Brokenheart99]

He usually always pays. He will share some. But usually partially. But it seems like he just doesn't want to offer me food because he probably thinks I need to lose weight. I'm tempted to bring up his flaws in the same way as he does with me. But it seems petty. I guess I'll just discuss it when he does it again.

 

I'm angry for myself for not noticing it sooner or saying anything and letting my family make me feel crazy for it and not standing my ground.

[surfdiva]

Are you in recovery from an eating disorder?

 

It may be an incompatibility issue. I didn't see anything that really jumped out to me as controlling from what you described of his behaviour, I more read it as this is how he generally relates to food and it's an extension of that to those he is around.

 

Have you ever piped up to address this as it came up, in a non confrontational manner? How he responds to gentle enforcements of your boundaries would tell a lot.

 

I honestly think though that it would serve you well to address your own issues and insecurities around food and your weight. I think if you don't, it will cause problems for you in relationships no matter how laid back and generous with junk food a guy is.

 

"And if I order a soda, he will take my glass and only fill it partially"

 

He took her soda and filled it up to what he found acceptable. This is pretty controlling.

 

I dunno, if it were me, I'd have a conversation with him for sure. And saying to you on a night that you want to eat pasta "you're going heavy tonight". That's just rude!!!

[surfdiva]

He usually always pays. He will share some. But usually partially. But it seems like he just doesn't want to offer me food because he probably thinks I need to lose weight. I'm tempted to bring up his flaws in the same way as he does with me. But it seems petty. I guess I'll just discuss it when he does it again.

 

I'm angry for myself for not noticing it sooner or saying anything and letting my family make me feel crazy for it and not standing my ground.

 

1) Don't be angry at yourself for not noticing it sooner. Often, in the beginning of a relationship we're too blinded by the thrill then the "real" stuff comes out.

2) Don't "think" he thinks you need to loose weight. Flat out ask him, and if he asks why, mention the things you mentioned here...the pasta comment ("you're going heavy tonight") and the soda thing.

 

Ugh, I'm really sorry. These things would piss me off BIG time.

[Wiseman2]

Let him pay for his food and you pay for yours so you have the choice to buy/order whatever you wish. It's not about your weight if you never pay for your own food. Why does he always have to pay for your meals, give you food, share his food etc.? Don't your parents feed you at home?

 

Therapy for your self confidence and learning independence would help you so much. Ask your parents to take you to a therapist. Agree getting petty is nonsense. Just breakup if he's too overbearing,. And next time take your wallet out a lot more when dating. Take control of your life. Do you work? Live at home?

He usually always pays. But it seems like he just doesn't want to offer me food because he probably thinks I need to lose weight.

[katrina1980]

"And if I order a soda, he will take my glass and only fill it partially"

 

He took her soda and filled it up to what he found acceptable. This is pretty controlling.

 

I dunno, if it were me, I'd have a conversation with him for sure. And saying to you on a night that you want to eat pasta "you're going heavy tonight". That's just rude!!!

 

Giving him benefit of doubt, the soda issue 'could' have been inadvertent. If I were filling my fiancé's glass, I could see myself not filling all the way to top, without thinking about it. He does not have a weight issue. Combined with all the other things, though, I just think it's sorta rude and obnoxious especially having her wait in the car while he goes and gets dessert and not asking if she would like one? Don't know how long you have been dating but that would not sit well with me at all, I might not want to see him again after that, if I just started dating him. That is just rude.

[Unreasonable]

You need to tell him straight up that you're going to eat and drink whatever you want to, and if he has a problem with it he needs to deal. Enough of this passive-aggressive nonsense.

 

He might break up with you. If so, it's for the best.

[j.man]

Yeah ms Darcy - I think you're really right. He always tells me I look great etc and he's actually the one that walked up to me in a party full of girls and talked to me. So I don't think he thinks I look bad, he prob just wants me a bit skinnier. He's made it quite clear he's very shalllow, but most guys I know are. It usually changes after a while or they stop caring as much is what I hear, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm on the fence still. I guess I'll decide more after I bring it up with him.

 

And I still don't feel comfortable accepting the favor from him because I don't want to "owe" him anything, but I think it's mainly because I'm bitter. But it's already too late and I've already agreed to accept the favor and going back on it again will make me look fickle and crazy. Urgh.

With regard to the whole him doing the favor for you, I'm with you on him respecting your decision to pay someone else for the service. What I'm hoping is that you didn't immediately retort to his first offer with a, "No thanks, I don't want to owe you anything." That might be his cause to dig his heels in a bit and show you he can do you the solid without expectation of some debt owed.

 

And, simply to avoid such an ordeal with [potential] future men, I'd avoid talking about anything handy that you need to get done if you don't want the guy wanting to step in to help. It's kinda old school nowadays, but dudes stepping in to do some dirty work you'd be paying someone else $50 a labor hour to do is just kinda something dudes do. I once grouted a woman's new bathroom tile after dating her for like a month. Nowadays I've evolved into someone's who not a chump, but plenty remain. Honestly it might have just been better to let him do it (assuming he knows how) and buy him an expensive but nice bottle of bourbon for the trouble, and then show him a documentary on the negative effects of alcohol.

[j.man]

2) Don't "think" he thinks you need to loose weight. Flat out ask him, and if he asks why, mention the things you mentioned here...the pasta comment ("you're going heavy tonight") and the soda thing.

What's the guy's name, OP? I'll look for him in the obituaries tomorrow.

[Brokenheart99]

It's just I was so sure about how I felt when I did figure it out, that it seemed like he was restricting my diet etc/thought I was overweight. And when I brought it up with family, they tore me down and made me feel like I'm crazy and actually said that. That I'm being crazy, picky, that I just need to marry myself. And I believed them. I caved yet again in my conviction and felt terrible, thinking that I was too difficult, this is why I'm single because I have too high standards etc.

[Hitide]

RUN do not walk. This guy is a douche. ITS YOUR body. Your life. Hes eating garbage food in front of you???? This is a HUGE RED FLAG and he has issues mentally. DUMP him there are a million guys in the world, he needs someone who counts every calorie, and in my opinion its a wasted life. Life is food, food is great and meant to be enjoyed. ORDER WHAT THE HELL you want. Eat it, and if he says anything say "WELL YOUR GETTING A LITTLE FAT" tell him he has love handles, and that your not attracted to fat guys. Watch him change his tune. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY.

[Fudgie]

It's been a few months and he's making you feel bad. What is there to analyze? He's making you feel bad and it's only been a few months. Leave.

[Wiseman2]

Do you live at home? Why are they this involved in your dating life? It sounds like you come from helicopter parents and thus feel micromanaged very easily.

 

Often over-controlling parents and eating disorders are related. See a therapist about your eating, weight and self esteem issues. BFs and nagging parents won't fix that.

 

Agree with other posters that the bottom line is, a few mos in of dating and there's incompatibility, it's no fun, you feel lousy about it so cut your losses.

I brought it up with family, they tore me down and made me feel like I'm crazy and actually said that. That I'm being crazy, picky, that I just need to marry myself.

[nutbrownhare]

Honestly it might have just been better to let him do it (assuming he knows how) and buy him an expensive but nice bottle of bourbon for the trouble, and then show him a documentary on the negative effects of alcohol.

 

Fnaar fnaar...

[itsallgrand]

You mentioned twice that you think he is shallow but you think ' most guys are' .

 

Maybe you aren't in a position to be dating right now if you are having so many problems communicating your boundaries and sticking to what you want, all these heavy insecurities with your weight and appearance, and having such a hard time exiting a dating situation with someone who isn't doing it for you.

 

Dating takes a thick skin and a good healthy ability to self advocate. Are you there ?

 

And maybe this guy actually is a bit of an over bearing jerk. There certainly are people like that out there, and worse. But you can't control them or their behaviour - only yours. If you ever don't feel good about how someone is treating you, you do have the only real say on if you stick around or not.

[notalady]

It's just I was so sure about how I felt when I did figure it out, that it seemed like he was restricting my diet etc/thought I was overweight. And when I brought it up with family, they tore me down and made me feel like I'm crazy and actually said that. That I'm being crazy, picky, that I just need to marry myself. And I believed them. I caved yet again in my conviction and felt terrible, thinking that I was too difficult, this is why I'm single because I have too high standards etc.

 

You don't just need a new boyfriend, you need a new family.

 

My first reaction reading about your initial post was, oh hell no! Someone try to subtly restrict / control what I eat, they'd be dead! I love my food! Like seriously, I get hangry, they will be sure to cop my wrath if they try to control what/how much I eat.

 

Your read on the guy was correct, he is subtly controlling what you eat, by physically manipulating you (ask you to stay in the car then just get one ice cream, fill up your soda glass half full, suggesting "we" eat healthy but you end up being the only one doing it) and making passive aggressive comments about you ordering pasta or about your coffee. He's not obligated to share any of his food, nor is he "making you watch", at the same time, you should be ordering whatever you want to eat. What you do during the week or weekend or how healthy or unhealthy you eat normally is none of his business, you should not need to explain your diet to him.

 

All these subtle controlling is a big red flag for me and I would be done.

 

No one should make you feel bad about yourself for just being yourself, especially not someone you're dating. It will just never work. End of story.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah ms Darcy - I think you're really right. He always tells me I look great etc and he's actually the one that walked up to me in a party full of girls and talked to me. So I don't think he thinks I look bad, he prob just wants me a bit skinnier. He's made it quite clear he's very shalllow ...

 

That's what I figured. (I think other folks are getting a bit distracted.)

 

I think the bottom line is do you want to live this kind of life? Do you want to be with someone who thinks this way and treats you this way?