Weight and eating during dates

[Ms Darcy]

He usually always pays. He will share some. But usually partially. But it seems like he just doesn't want to offer me food because he probably thinks I need to lose weight. I'm tempted to bring up his flaws in the same way as he does with me. But it seems petty. I guess I'll just discuss it when he does it again.

 

I'm angry for myself for not noticing it sooner or saying anything and letting my family make me feel crazy for it and not standing my ground.

 

By the way, he shouldn't always be paying.

 

When you create a situation where he's always paying, you create an uneven power dynamic where he's calling the shots.

[Brokenheart99]

No I don't live at home, my family is just involved in my life and I was expressing my concerns and frustration to them so this is what they said. Of course my esteem and eating disorders come from them, I'm well aware, they caused it.

 

I don't know after reading all these posts, everyone has said such negative things about him, it's tainted my opinion of him. I'm completely put off now. And just a few weeks ago, I was so smitten. Maybe he is a bit controlling, but I don't know about abusive. I really don't think he is. But he probably has a particular preference and wants that and tries to get people to do that. And maybe no one has just never showed or told him that he can't do that. I don't want to hate him yet without giving him a chance to explain or at least discuss it with him. But I feel like I already do now. Im so confused.

 

Now I just want to flat out call him and ask him about this. It's not sitting well with me at all. It's affecting my day and my mood and I can't think straight. I was going to wait until it happened again(as he is currently out of town) and until after he finished his "favor" for me(not in a selfish way because I want him to do it, but because he is insisting on doing it, it will be pretty detrimental if he does it badly) so I want him to do it correctly. But I just can't deal with this, it's weighing too heavily on me, and I'm tempted to just call him now and ask him outright.

 

He doesn't always pay, that was just early on in dating. Now I pay or we split it etc

[Ms Darcy]

What's the guy's name, OP? I'll look for him in the obituaries tomorrow.

 

Exactly. As dumb as some guys (and women of course) can be, no one is dumb enough to tell you that you need to lose weight ... UNLESS you've blown up like a balloon, he's all out of hints, and he approaches it from a perspective of being concerned about your health.

[Ms Darcy]

No I don't live at home, my family is just involved in my life and I was expressing my concerns and frustration to them so this is what they said. Of course my esteem and eating disorders come from them, I'm well aware, they caused it.

 

I don't know after reading all these posts, everyone has said such negative things about him, it's tainted my opinion of him. I'm completely put off now. And just a few weeks ago, I was so smitten. Maybe he is a bit controlling, but I don't know about abusive. I really don't think he is. But he probably has a particular preference and wants that and tries to get people to do that. And maybe no one has just never showed or told him that he can't do that. I don't want to hate him yet without giving him a chance to explain or at least discuss it with him. But I feel like I already do now. Im so confused.

 

He doesn't always pay, that was just early on in dating. Now I pay or we split it etc

 

I'm not being negative about him. I think there is a certain type he would be fine with (someone who naturally tends towards being tiny perhaps) and who doesn't mind being slightly controlled.

 

And trust me, there are women out there like this. My husband's friend married a woman (who happened to be from Thailand) who fits that profile. On the other hand, he also supports her financially 100%.

 

Would I like it? No.

 

You just sort of have to be honest with what you want in a relationship.

[Brokenheart99]

Ms Darcy - I think you hit it right on the nail about him. Most of his criteria I fit, hence he is talking to me, but the one I don't(weight), he's trying to correct about me. It's selfish in a way but I guess he likes what he likes. He should have picked someone fit all his criteria instead of trying to find a project. I'm not sure if I can deal with it. If his fixable criteria with me was anything but weight, sure I wouldn't mind. But my weight is my insecurity and i would feel hurt all my life. I don't know. I'm hoping talking to him will clear this up, but I don't know. Should I just call him up now and ask or wait to bring it up?

[annie24]

I think the time to bring it up is right when he says it. If you reach for a second serving and he starts complaining, then tell him to knock it off.

[RainyCoast]

you don't have to discuss this, save for a brief statement thrown in airily that you like your weight and diet and will not change it. you already know he would like you to be thinner. he wouldn't just prefer it. a preference is "she'd be so hot with an inch less it would be illegal, but damn she's fine this way too and i'm cool with it". "damn she's fine but i'll keep controlling her portions until she's the size i want" is a jerk. you're not his project.

 

discussing it is the inefficient way imo. it places the expectation on him to change. to change what size he is comfortable with you being, and to change his involvement in your meal plan. change your behavior instead so as to not allow for him to do this.

 

work on getting out of the habit of allowing, and even setting the stage for people to make and execute your decisions. want to be able to be whatever size and eat normally? do. don't wait for him to agree and give you a blessing. it's your meal. next meal you have together eat what you want and when he grunts about the contents tell him he can restrict his, that you like your health, diet and weight and he'll have to accept it or move on. period. no drama. say it in the same tone you'd say you heard this movie is coming out and maybe you should see it sometimes. or better, wendy's has a new burger. maybe you'll go grab it sometimes. then proceed to eat. what's he gonna do? have hysterics? preach about white deathly sugars and starches as he stuffs his face with them? fine by me. you? very much doubt he'll dump you for not wanting to lose weight but if he does, his was the only bodyweight you needed to lose.

 

you need to actively follow your own rules or people like this seize the window of your spineless passivity and put their own rules in place and play puppeteer.

[Wiseman2]

A protracted discussion isn't warranted. All you need to do is take action by paying for yourself, ordering for yourself and if he comments on your eating habits, simply say "you enjoy your food, i'll enjoy mine".

[journeynow]

I just need to marry myself.

If you think about it, marriage is about love and commitment. It's a positive thing to love yourself and be committed to You, your well-being and health and interests. We all might do better in life and relationships if we actually did this foremost, "married ourselves". Don't sacrifice ourselves, but love and commit to ourselves, which probably puts us in a better place to handle everything else, including love and commitment to others. In a general way, this aside applies to the situation, as it applies to the big picture.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy - I think you hit it right on the nail about him. Most of his criteria I fit, hence he is talking to me, but the one I don't(weight), he's trying to correct about me. It's selfish in a way but I guess he likes what he likes. He should have picked someone fit all his criteria instead of trying to find a project. I'm not sure if I can deal with it. If his fixable criteria with me was anything but weight, sure I wouldn't mind. But my weight is my insecurity and i would feel hurt all my life. I don't know. I'm hoping talking to him will clear this up, but I don't know. Should I just call him up now and ask or wait to bring it up?

 

If you are agreeing with my assessments, then what you are talking about is the kind of man he is and the kind of woman he wants.

 

You CANNOT talk out, compromise on, or work through a man who believes something fundamentally incompatible with what you believe.

[Brokenheart99]

Ms Darcy- so then why is he dating me? If I'm not up to his par or fundamentally incompatible and I haven't been in the time he's been with me, why is he dating me? Whys he always want to be with me physically and on a long term level? I don't get it then.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy- so then why is he dating me? If I'm not up to his par or fundamentally incompatible and I haven't been in the time he's been with me, why is he dating me? Whys he still want to be with me physically and on a long term level? I don't get it then.

 

If you are correct in what you think, then he's dating you because you are soooo close to a 10.

 

Theoretically, it's easier to turn an 8 into a 10 than a 6 into a 10.

 

And 10s are probably taken or have high standards.

[Brokenheart99]

I think I had this talk with him, that he tries to "fix" people. Maybe you are right because he didn't deny it. And maybe he's a perfectionist yeah. But I did tell him that I know a lot of guys like him who are shallow and want beauty forever and they changed later in marriage or stopped caring as much. He said that was encouraging to know that change is possible.

 

Probably all bull, I don't know. But either way, it's unlike me to walk away from a relationship without talking about it, so I'll ask him and see what he says outright. It's usually my style.

 

I am who I am and if he doesn't like it, he can choose someone else, but I'm willing to guess he couldn't find a 10 who liked him too, so he came back to me. He keeps this up, and I know his insecurities too, I won't be shy in pointing them out as rudely as he does mine.

[Ms Darcy]

What I suspect is that your self-esteem is so low you'll stick around and hope to "talk him out of it" until he loses interest and dumps you.

[Brokenheart99]

No actually not really. I just don't think he's that awful, or at least I haven't seen it for myself yet so I want to give him a chance to explain himself. I'm not in love with him or anything but I do think he has a lot of decent qualities and I think it's worth a shot and it's quite possible I'm overreacting and being sensitive. Successful guys wanting pretty perfect girls is not uncommon unfortunately. It's rude and shallow, but this is life.

 

But I could be very wrong, I'll have to find that out in my own way though. Thanks everyone!

[notalady]

mSuccessful guys wanting pretty perfect girls is not uncommon unfortunately. It's rude and shallow, but this is life.

 

 

No, not "this is life". Not my life anyway, it can be someone else's life. I don't care how successful, or rich, or handsome a guy is, if he's rude and shallow, even if they seem to find me attractive, sorry but I'm out. That's what I consider as having high self-esteem - to know your self worth and know within yourself that you deserve someone who accept and respect you for who you are, and know that you will find that person. So if someone isn't like that, you walk away. You don't just accept it as "normal" or "this is life".

[Ms Darcy]

No actually not really. I just don't think he's that awful, or at least I haven't seen it for myself yet so I want to give him a chance to explain himself. I'm not in love with him or anything but I do think he has a lot of decent qualities and I think it's worth a shot and it's quite possible I'm overreacting and being sensitive. Successful guys wanting pretty perfect girls is not uncommon unfortunately. It's rude and shallow, but this is life.

 

But I could be very wrong, I'll have to find that out in my own way though. Thanks everyone!

 

If he feels this way, he doesn't need to be bad, awful, or shallow.

 

He's just not the right person for you.

 

As a side comment, it's not uncommon for some men who are successful and attractive to be primarily attracted to women who are "skinny" (to use your previous word). That doesn't necessarily make someone shallow. What you have to pay more attention to is the notion he might want you to look a certain way and engages in somewhat controlling behaviors.

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't have to explain himself, he doesn't owe you anything. Just pay for and eat your own meals. He doesn't have to buy your food, give you food or let you eat his food. Just stop doing that.

I want to give him a chance to explain himself.

[limichelle]

You can't change his behavior you can however change your mindset on how you deserve to be treated and what is fair to you. If he is making you this uncomfortable and not validating you as a person, then you have every right to leave. I wouldn't stay to work through an issue that he doesn't probably think is.

 

Lisa

[katrina1980]

This thread is funny, with all the accusations etc, for all we know the guy could just be extremely clueless and a boob. There is nothing to indicate he thinks your fat or even overweight, he approached you at the party and told you you are beautiful! Do you think he would do that if he thought you were fat and needed to lose weight? He filled you glass halfway, this indicates he thinks you need to lose weight, are you serious?

 

The thing that bothered me was him telling you to wait in the car while he went to get dessert, but again he could just be clueless.

 

You and others are reading all these hidden messages (controlling, abusive?) from some minor incidents that could simply mean, again that he is clueless about certain things.

 

He tells you you are beautiful, desires you sexually, spends lots of time with you, and treats you well from what you have told us. Your weight is YOUR insecurity and you are projecting that on hm which may not be how HE feels at all. He thinks your beautiful! Or he would not have approached you in the first place.

[tattoobunnie]

This thread is funny, with all the accusations etc, for all we know the guy could just be extremely clueless and a boob.

 

So true! I had to train my husband to always ask if I wanted something too! Only child syndrome!

[Brokenheart99]

Regardless of what it is, I think It's kinda ruined now. My annoyance I can't hide, so I was distant and I'm sure he picked up on it and he's been pretty distant and has been ignoring me. Oh well. Another one bites the dust.

[katrina1980]

So true! I had to train my husband to always ask if I wanted something too! Only child syndrome!

 

Agree, some guys really are 'that' clueless about some stuff. After reading this thread and others, think I might start a thread "How to Start Feeling Really Bad About Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend and Look For Reasons to Break Up with Them."

 

Answer: Become a member of Enotalone and start a thread about them.

[Wiseman2]

You dodged a bullet. You were incompatible. Who knows why? Maybe he was cheap or your eating habits are too different.

Regardless of what it is, I think It's kinda ruined now. My annoyance I can't hide, so I was distant and I'm sure he picked up on it and he's been pretty distant and has been ignoring me. Oh well. Another one bites the dust.

[Brokenheart99]

I agree prajna - sometimes everyone is so bent on standing up yourself, looking for mistakes or faults, they tear every relationship apart. I know it comes from a good place, but if I really stop and think about it, differing eating habits shouldn't be a deal breaker especially without trying to talk about it. Now I'm just a little bummed to tell you the truth.