Bad Behaviour vs. Clueless, How to Tell the Difference….

[notalady]

He called last night. The first 20 mins nothing but uhs, ums, coughs, throat clearing. Very awkward. There was nearly a full minute of complete silence when finally I couldn't stand it anymore and said, "Okay, I'm going to get off the phone. Bye."

 

Then he started yelling, "Why do you have to be like this? Why can't you fix it?"

 

I said, "Excuse me? Be like what? Fix what??? YOU called ME! When we last parted, we ended on an unpleasant note and now you're calling me, dancing around whatever it is you called me for. You called me for a reason, so step up to the plate and communicate like an adult."

 

Then he goes, "Why didn't YOU call me?"

 

At that point I lost it and said, "Are you F-ing serious? You're calling me up to ask me why didn't I call you? Our communication is so poor."

 

Then he saying, "I don't understand why you got so upset that day and broke up with me. This keeps happening and we need to fix it. Were you really upset with my actions or is it because I'm leaving?"

 

I said, "It's both. I'm tired of the childish interactions and I see no point in addressing them when you're leaving in a few months. Why invest our time working on something that has an expiration date?"

 

The conversation went on for a while, and he was pretty devastated. I couldn't bring myself to name all the things I told you guys about here because I know it would crush him. He was in a horrible place last night. It was really hard staying true to myself because I felt sorry for him. I told him the example about the parking thing, and he said everything Tired of Vampires said went through his mind; that he knew if I couldn't maneuver out, he knew he would be able to. If I got a ticket, he said he would have paid for it. I said okay…all that is fine and dandy but you still put me in these weird situations that are always at my expense, and I am sick of it. If you want to help someone squeeze into a parking space, then do it with your own car, not mine. Thank you very much.

 

 

I told him, "I'm not moving with you. I"m not doing a long-distance relationship. It's inevitable we will break up, so why not just do it now? Why drag it out? You want to peel the band-aid off as slowly and painfully as possible. I want to rip it off and be done with it."

 

He said, "I never wanted to remove the bandaid to begin with."

 

He said the future is unpredictable…anything can happen, so why break up. He wants to be with me as long as he can and let things unravel as they do. Until then, he wants to continue seeing me.

I said, "It is illogical. Why?"

He said, "Because I miss you, you sh - t head."

I almost started crying and I said, "I don't know what to say."

He said, "You don't have to say anything."

 

We hung up.

 

This morning I wake up to a text, "If you change your mind, I'm here for you."

 

So...you still want to go on about how strong you are and how you don't need to block him?

 

Because nothing in that conversation (which shouldn't have happened to begin with) demonstrated your strength and conviction to your decision.

 

Now you're confused, wavering. This is exactly why people keep saying to block him.

 

But you don't want to, not because you're "strong", but because you still WANT to be contacted, you still WANT to hear what he has to say, you WANT to be tempted back into the relationship. Admit at least that much.

 

Someone who truly decided to leave would not have put themselves in this position, even if not blocking, because they know, once they pick up the phone and have that conversation, it's going to add a whole lot more complication to their decision to leave. It's going to stir up feelings that should be left to fade. So even if not blocking, they either don't pick up, and text the person very briefly note to say they don't wish to talk further and restate that they are now broken up. Or they might pick up and say the same thing then end the conversation. But they don't have this type of conversation that you just had. It's messes with your mind and heart.

[Naomi99]

I didn't agree to get back together with him. I held my ground.

 

Nothing has changed other than we've talked after the passage of time. And of course I want to hear what he has to say! Why wouldn't I? Because I want to hear what he has to say somehow makes me a weak person?

 

Reminds me of the atheists who refuse to listen to Christian radio or liberals who refuse to listen to Fox news. I never understood it. Sometimes hearing the other side is a good thing, because if you're so convinced in your beliefs, then nothing anyone says will sway you and possibly might make you stronger…or at least you'll learn something new even if you don't agree with it.

 

 

Now I gotta go cry my heart. Amal Clooney is pregnant with George's twins.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

Now I gotta go cry my heart. Amal Clooney is pregnant with George's twins.

 

no way! . . .

[boltnrun]

So once again you put his "needs" above yours?

 

You "couldn't" tell him what you've told us here because he was already upset enough???

 

HOW the heck are you two supposed to "fix it" when you won't even tell him what "it" is????

 

If you move in with him, you can expect to be exasperated and frustrated, because you'll have to hide your true thoughts and feelings EVERY SINGLE DAY. When you buy nice food and he eats it all, maybe there's a luxury soap you enjoy using and he uses it to wash his hands after changing the oil in his car, maybe you buy expensive toilet paper (my thing!) and he uses it all up to mop up a spill or while he's taking a massive dump, or you buy expensive Egyptian cotton towels and he uses them to blot his face when he cuts himself shaving...can you deal with these things every day of your life?

 

If not, why keep trying? Why allow him the chance to "convince" you to keep seeing him?

[Ms Darcy]

I would not find any of this drama enjoyable.

[catfeeder]

I didn't agree to get back together with him. I held my ground.

 

Nothing has changed other than we've talked after the passage of time. And of course I want to hear what he has to say! Why wouldn't I? Because I want to hear what he has to say somehow makes me a weak person?

 

No, not weak, but if you decide that you want him back in your life, you owe him a kind but thorough 'coming clean' of your complaints in a way that offers him the opportunity to negotiate the changes you want in exchange for something he wants from you. Let him think on that so that the outcome is fair to both of you.

 

You may be torturing yourself because you never did speak your mind, but it makes no sense to keep him dangling around your euphemisms and vagueness. If you want to resolve this, then resolve it. Otherwise, give yourself a break from his contact, which would serve the dual purpose of allowing him to heal, too.

 

Now I gotta go cry my heart. Amal Clooney is pregnant with George's twins.

 

Now THAT is something to feel weak about.

 

Head high.

[journeynow]

and let things unravel as they do.

 

…and let thing unravel as they do? Not sure what he meant, but sounds like "let it wear itself out", as in not making an effort to maintain or improve it. Does't matter what he meant, it's already unraveled and no longer wearable.

[boltnrun]

…and let thing unravel as they do? Not sure what he meant, but sounds like "let it wear itself out", as in not making an effort to maintain or improve it. Does't matter what he meant, it's already unraveled and no longer wearable.

 

Also, why would he want you two to get to the point where you absolutely cannot stand one another???

 

Why not end it now while you still have SOME fond feelings toward each other?

[BritterSweet]

I didn't agree to get back together with him. I held my ground.

 

Nothing has changed other than we've talked after the passage of time. And of course I want to hear what he has to say! Why wouldn't I? Because I want to hear what he has to say somehow makes me a weak person?

 

Reminds me of the atheists who refuse to listen to Christian radio or liberals who refuse to listen to Fox news. I never understood it. Sometimes hearing the other side is a good thing, because if you're so convinced in your beliefs, then nothing anyone says will sway you and possibly might make you stronger…or at least you'll learn something new even if you don't agree with it.

 

Earlier...

 

What is the point of blocking? I don't care if he contacts me or not. That is his doing.

 

I only care about how I react to it, and right now it is not bothering me; rather opening my eyes on how clueless and unfunny he is.

 

I am not going to respond and I am very strong that way.

[notalady]

I didn't agree to get back together with him. I held my ground.

 

Nothing has changed other than we've talked after the passage of time. And of course I want to hear what he has to say! Why wouldn't I? Because I want to hear what he has to say somehow makes me a weak person?

 

Reminds me of the atheists who refuse to listen to Christian radio or liberals who refuse to listen to Fox news. I never understood it. Sometimes hearing the other side is a good thing, because if you're so convinced in your beliefs, then nothing anyone says will sway you and possibly might make you stronger…or at least you'll learn something new even if you don't agree with it.

 

 

Now I gotta go cry my heart. Amal Clooney is pregnant with George's twins.

 

I don't know how it's in any way similar to listening to other people's point of view on various matters of the world, and yes we should always remain open to other points of views whether we agree or disagree.

 

That's completely different to when people choose to walk away from a partner who is either bad for them or incompatible or whatever that's causing the relationship to be not working, they don't go back and rehash things with the person they are walking away from. They are not open to being convinced. And they are no longer trying to make it work, so any discussion and mutual understanding about what happened between them and why, becomes irrelevant.

 

Only people who are still open to getting back together are open to hearing the other person's side of the story and see if it makes sense / forgivable and if so, whether they should give it another chance. People often get confused after these discussions, because they are reconsidering things.

 

I only pointed out the "being strong" bit because that's what you said, when you were referring to how you will stick to your decision regardless of his contact, and now you're feeling confused and wavering, that's the opposite to what you said before, when you decided to walk away.

 

You stood your ground in so far as he failed to convince you to give it another chance, because what he had to say really isn't what you wanted to hear in order to giving it another chance. He um'ed and ah'ed and gave lame reasons, you weren't impressed by that. But even with that, he did successfully stir up your emotions and touched a soft spot.

 

If he fully owned up to and apologised for his lack of consideration for you, and promise to change, would you have not considered giving it another chance? (Ignoring the distance issue)

 

The internal confusion and wavering about your decision is what I'm referring to as not "being strong" as you claimed before.

 

To be precise, this is what I'm referring to:

 

He said, "Because I miss you, you sh - t head."

I almost started crying and I said, "I don't know what to say."

He said, "You don't have to say anything."

 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. There are so many good qualities to him but a crap load of annoying ones too.

 

He says he wants to do whatever it is that will make me happy.

 

He's out of town right now. I supposed I can use this time apart to figure out what it is I want. I'm a little in shock right now. SOrry.

[tiredofvampires]

And of course I want to hear what he has to say! Why wouldn't I? Because I want to hear what he has to say somehow makes me a weak person?...Sometimes hearing the other side is a good thing, because if you're so convinced in your beliefs, then nothing anyone says will sway you and possibly might make you stronger…or at least you'll learn something new even if you don't agree with it.

 

But this is something you should have decided to do when you were in the process of the break-up conversation.

 

And even now, you didn't really get to tell him what bothered you most. The parking thing was the least of it. It was his acting in a way that made you feel he was constantly dismissing your physical, spatial, and material boundaries, and how he did not take you seriously when you told him to stop doing things you don't like. That you didn't feel respected by his behavior, that he seemed to be unaware of your needs even when you stated them.

 

You still (as of this reading -- I have only read up to this point) have not leveled with him properly. And instead of testing him with silence, when he was reaching out to you, hoping for something (as was clear) -- and you WERE testing him -- you should have initiated this conversation because it's one you wanted to have.

 

I don't think you're weak for wanting to have some kind of closure, in a conversation. I wouldn't have blocked him, either. That can backfire, when people start to question whether they did the right thing or not, which can drag on for months and haunt them (as we see here all the time). What I don't like about this is the false front of putting it all behind you, while waiting on tenterhooks for him to make the call you just hoped he would make.

 

You should have been straightforward in the beginning, the middle, and the end, and it was sort of botched all along the way. You were right to tell him that you guys have such bad communication, though (and that takes 2 to tango), and I also agree with the statements you made about not dragging things out.

 

I also get the feeling something is missing in the story. For him to call and ask why you didn't call to "fix it." I'm feeling you left a LOT unsaid and unfinished in the breakup conversation, and maybe it wasn't even completely clear that this was a breakup, rather than a spat (since he said something like, "this keeps happening.") I'm thinking had we been there, we might have said, "THAT'S what you call a proper discussion?"

[tiredofvampires]

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. There are so many good qualities to him but a crap load of annoying ones too.

 

What is there to figure out what to do? He's LEAVING. What does he mean by the future being "uncertain"? Is it uncertain that he's leaving? That would be the only reason to rethink any of this. As long as he's leaving, the decision is made for you. You are not going with him. So you can continue to waste your life instead of meeting another potential partner for the long haul, or you can linger with this until it "unravels." Does it really matter what good qualities he has, if you won't go to the ends of the earth to be with them?

[tiredofvampires]

Totally agreeing with catfeeder's post above. Kind of said the same things I just posted.

[Jibralta]

But this is something you should have decided to do when you were in the process of the break-up conversation.

 

I agree. It's kind of taking the long way around.

[Naomi99]

…and let thing unravel as they do? Not sure what he meant, but sounds like "let it wear itself out", as in not making an effort to maintain or improve it. Does't matter what he meant, it's already unraveled and no longer wearable.

 

He said unravel, but i believe he meant unfold or reveal, not unravel. He is not that great with words and gets flustered with lots of ums and uhs, esp. when we are treading on ice.

[Naomi99]

What is there to figure out what to do? He's LEAVING. What does he mean by the future being "uncertain"? Is it uncertain that he's leaving? That would be the only reason to rethink any of this. As long as he's leaving, the decision is made for you. You are not going with him. So you can continue to waste your life instead of meeting another potential partner for the long haul, or you can linger with this until it "unravels." Does it really matter what good qualities he has, if you won't go to the ends of the earth to be with them?

 

He will be certain where his job places him in March. It is highly likely very very very far away. It could be two hours away from me, but this is less likely. I do not want a LD relationship.

 

In your other post about a lot being left unsaid on my behalf, you are exactly right. I kept true to my blanket general statement that we were incompatible, have different purposes in life, and that although I know he cares about me, he doesn't show it in the way I need for it to be shown, and it is usually at my expense. (Like caring more about that stranger's getting a parking space than me getting a ticket)

 

I didn't want to expound because we were on the phone (I hate taking on the phone about things like this), he is in a different city right now, and I see no point in running down a list of things that need to be changed in a relationship that will be ending in the springtime. It would cause a lot of hurt, tons of effort,... and if things DO work out, it will make parting even more difficult.

[Naomi99]

No, not weak, but if you decide that you want him back in your life, you owe him a kind but thorough 'coming clean' of your complaints in a way that offers him the opportunity to negotiate the changes you want in exchange for something he wants from you. Let him think on that so that the outcome is fair to both of you.

 

You may be torturing yourself because you never did speak your mind, but it makes no sense to keep him dangling around your euphemisms and vagueness. If you want to resolve this, then resolve it. Otherwise, give yourself a break from his contact, which would serve the dual purpose of allowing him to heal, too.

 

 

 

Now THAT is something to feel weak about.

 

Head high.

 

 

Thanks, Catfeeder…this is what I am doing. Giving it until the end of the month to let things settle down. Nothing has changed since I last posted. Still broken up. When he returns from his work trip, Ill decide then whether I need to resolve this and speak my mind.

 

I used to see him three, four times a week, and with him being gone it's been GLORIOUS alone time for me, although I do miss the activities we did together. He's certainly the most adventurous guy I've ever been with, and the most persistent in trying to hold my attention. I just got a text from him saying "pls reconsider...our relationship makes sense, even when it doesn't seem to be, even when it's chaotic and messy because that's what makes life beautiful."

 

I disagree. Order and structure makes life beautiful. Try being stuck at Charles de Gaulle airport for four hours waiting to go through chaotic and messy security and see how "beautiful" that is for ya.

[browneyedgirl36]

I said it before, and I'll say it again: Too. Much. Drama. For. Only. Two. Months.

 

His whole "messy and chaotic makes life beautiful"? UGH. Translation (him speaking): "I'm a total mess. I don't respect people's boundaries. I thrive on drama. I'm a bull in a china shop when it comes to relationships."

 

My ex used to say ridiculous crap like that (I could come up with a whole list of ridiculous crap he'd say), and in hindsight, I realize, he was always saying the same thing (see "translation," above.)

 

Healthy relationships that work out DO NOT have this much conflict so early on. I know you know this, Naomi.

[reinventmyself]

What I lhear when he uses that line is an excuse.

"I'm careless and sloppy in relationships. I know better apparently because I can articulate it, but please overlook it. Ha ha I just don't want to do the work'

[Naomi99]

He said that whole spiel "life is messy and chaotic and that's what makes it beautiful" because he asked to get back together and I said no, why should I? The relationship has an expiration date.

 

He's whimsical and thrives on the unknown. I am not like that. I like to know I have five power bars in my pantry at the start of the week.

[notalady]

He said that whole spiel "life is messy and chaotic and that's what makes it beautiful" because he asked to get back together and I said no, why should I? The relationship has an expiration date.

 

He's whimsical and thrives on the unknown. I am not like that. I like to know I have five power bars in my pantry at the start of the week.

 

If I didn't buy my boyfriend a birthday card until the last minute, which I have, I'm going to say I've been lazy / didn't plan ahead, not "I love messy and chaotic life and it's beautiful".

 

If I forgot to bring my phone charger or whatever else for a trip away, and end up needing to use my boyfriend's, which I also have done, I'm going to say, oops I was forgetful and I knew you would bring yours, so I guess I was kind of relying on that. Not "I love a messy and chaotic life".

 

We all forget things or get lazy or unplanned at least sometimes. We don't find excuses to make it sound special and somehow justifiable.

[journeynow]

He said unravel, but i believe he meant unfold or reveal, not unravel. He is not that great with words and gets flustered with lots of ums and uhs, esp. when we are treading on ice.

I see. "Unfold" makes sense.

[boltnrun]

I just find it interesting that when he invited you on the trip, you loved his spontaneity and carefree attitude. But apparently dealing with it on a daily basis gets you irritated.

 

I feel like he gave you some idea in the beginning that you two were polar opposites, but you chose to proceed anyway. I guess you can't change yourself into a "go with the flow, anything goes" type, which is what he seems to want.

[katrina1980]

 

I just find it interesting that when he invited you on the trip, you loved his spontaneity and carefree attitude. But apparently dealing with it on a daily basis gets you irritated.

I feel like he gave you some idea in the beginning that you two were polar opposites, but you chose to proceed anyway. I guess you can't change yourself into a "go with the flow, anything goes" type, which is what he seems to want.

 

I agree with this^.

 

There have been articles written, studies done -- the things that attract us to a person at the beginning of a RL are often times the SAME things that end up repelling us at the end of the RL.

 

Ironically (or surprisingly) it is especially true when the initial chemistry and attraction was fast and intense.

 

Not sure why this happens, but it happened to me (with my ex whom I was with for six years).

 

I practically worshipped this man and NOW? A little over one year later?

 

He continues to contact me (texts mostly but he's called a few times too) and just hearing the sound of his voice literally repulses me.

 

Loves blinds us sometimes.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think he's being a turd and looking for hookups/fwb? Do you think whoever he's staying with is being eaten out of house and home?

He's been texting me as if nothing has happened. He's texting "funny" gifs and memes. Have no idea what for…because they're not funny to me.