Bad Behaviour vs. Clueless, How to Tell the Difference….

[reinventmyself]

Then there is a part of me that's so tired of playing it safe, never taking any risks, always having my wall up, not trusting, being guarded, blah blah blah.

 

I agree, it has the potential to go either way. I'm not going to do this blindly without considering all the risks, so thank you for enforcing what I may miss.

Some things about him…he's had a crazy, rich life…lived in third-world countries, overly educated (holds TWO doctorates and fluent in three languages), only a few years older than I. I'm sensing he's kind of a loner, kind of mysterious, never been married. He'll do thinks like ride his motorcycle up to the mountains and camp alone for days. Which is completely opposite of me because I'm more like I need wi-fi, hand sanitizer and Chanel lipgloss. He's curious and simple, street smart and book smart. He seems like he could be a spy or a Jason Bourne type, along those lines. I don't know. Oh, and he's hot

I just couldn't resist and quote Naomi from her first interactions with him.

Apparently nothing much has changed and she read him pretty right to begin with. She was pretty spot on about her own self assessment.

 

The very things that attracted her to him are now the very things she can't handle.

 

Makes for an interesting read. .

[Naomi99]

Then there is a part of me that's so tired of playing it safe, never taking any risks, always having my wall up, not trusting, being guarded, blah blah blah.

 

I agree, it has the potential to go either way. I'm not going to do this blindly without considering all the risks, so thank you for enforcing what I may miss.

Some things about him…he's had a crazy, rich life…lived in third-world countries, overly educated (holds TWO doctorates and fluent in three languages), only a few years older than I. I'm sensing he's kind of a loner, kind of mysterious, never been married. He'll do thinks like ride his motorcycle up to the mountains and camp alone for days. Which is completely opposite of me because I'm more like I need wi-fi, hand sanitizer and Chanel lipgloss. He's curious and simple, street smart and book smart. He seems like he could be a spy or a Jason Bourne type, along those lines. I don't know. Oh, and he's hot

I just couldn't resist and quote Naomi from her first interactions with him.

Apparently nothing much has changed and she read him pretty right to begin with. She was pretty spot on about her own self assessment.

 

The very things that attracted her to him are now the very things she can't handle.

 

Makes for an interesting read. .

 

 

WOW!!! That is from before we took that magical vacation!!!! Thank you for posting that!

 

After an intense three months, I can safely add to the list "cheap bastard."

[Naomi99]

If I didn't buy my boyfriend a birthday card until the last minute, which I have, I'm going to say I've been lazy / didn't plan ahead, not "I love messy and chaotic life and it's beautiful".

 

If I forgot to bring my phone charger or whatever else for a trip away, and end up needing to use my boyfriend's, which I also have done, I'm going to say, oops I was forgetful and I knew you would bring yours, so I guess I was kind of relying on that. Not "I love a messy and chaotic life".

 

We all forget things or get lazy or unplanned at least sometimes. We don't find excuses to make it sound special and somehow justifiable.

 

Yet he did both of these things to me. I always have his back like he gets to use my wrapping paper to wrap his xmas gift TO ME! And he forgets basically everything so he has to use mine, which means then *I* can't use whatever it is he forgot because HE'S using it! Yeah, life is beautiful for HIM because it's at MY expense! Annoying.

[Naomi99]

Do you think he's being a turd and looking for hookups/fwb? Do you think whoever he's staying with is being eaten out of house and home?

 

Don't know. Don't care.

 

I don't think he is turning me into a booty call because we spend way too much time together doing other activities.

[Naomi99]

He's still wanting to get back together again, I keep saying no.

 

I don't understand why he can't see the obvious…we are way too different PLUS he is leaving! I'm trying to make sense of his motives; if he's just a spoiled brat who is throwing a hissy fit because he's not getting what he wants, or if he truly loves me and wants to make this work.

[annie24]

what do you want Naomi? Do you want to get back together and work through his issues and then move with him (or he with you?) or would you rather just cut it off now for good?

[Naomi99]

*

what do you want Naomi? Do you want to get back together and work through his issues and then move with him (or he with you?) or would you rather just cut it off now for good?

 

Oh, Annie, such a loaded question. I could just work through the issues for the remainder of his stay here, and then just call it quits at springtime when he finally leaves.

 

I rarely address life issues on ENA and mainly use this place to byotch about men. But ever since the doctor days, my life has plateaued and been stagnant….I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. That's why I went on the trip with him, kinda. And if I really want to shake my life up, moving across the country with him would be exactly the type of change that would create a new spankin life for me. I'm talking all the way down to a career change. I would be with someone I know and trust, he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me, and plus he would be working 80 hour weeks, so that gives us our own space. This would be unlike ANYTHING I'd ever done before. This, of course, would never happen unless these issues I have with him are discussed and on their way to being resolved.

 

On the other hand, moving with him looks like I am chasing a man across the country, who is chasing his dreams. I would be moving with him while he's fulfilling his life's purpose. My purpose would only be to satisfy an untimely itch. What happens when that itch is satisfied? Move back here and be lukewarm again?

 

Whimsical and lighthearted is so difficult for me. If I died today, I would not be satisfied with all the things I failed to explore. And exploring doesn't necessarily HAVE to be with him, but he does provide a safe outlet for me to do this with. I've had more adventure with him in the past three months than I've had in the last three years. And I'm not dead. Yay.

[catfeeder]

He's still wanting to get back together again, I keep saying no.

 

I don't understand why he can't see the obvious…we are way too different PLUS he is leaving! I'm trying to make sense of his motives; if he's just a spoiled brat who is throwing a hissy fit because he's not getting what he wants, or if he truly loves me and wants to make this work.

 

I can appreciate how these threads can push you into defense mode, so maybe just try relaxing from that for a moment.

 

Think about what you want.

 

There's no need to answer to us about that. None of us are living your love life for you, so none of us get a vote.

 

You don't even need to answer that question here.

 

Privately, think about what you want. Then consider how much of your agitation toward this guy has been fueled by the dark cloud of March looming over you and pressing your fear button.

 

It's okay to admit your fears to yourself. It's also okay to recognize that your reactions to things as inconsequential as granola bars might be a hyper-reaction to something else...like a fear of March.

 

Nobody here can help you go to this place. You've withstood jabs about coming off as petty over pens and fruit and sports bars, but how useful was any of that? It misses the point. You're holding a fear of the choosing a move away from you. Everything else is just noise.

 

Uhm...it's been umpteen pages of noise before I came to learn that the two of you were operating under a deadline. You may have mentioned this, but I never caught it in all the noise.

 

March is the whole driver behind all the petty stuff, isn't it?

 

Decide what you want and whether it's negotiable. You don't need to tell us your thoughts on this unless you think we can be helpful, and you don't need to defend what you come up with.

 

If it's negotiable and you WANT to negotiate this, then tell us how we can help. The rest is just fruit and granola.

 

Head high, honey.

[IAmFCA]

*

 

Oh, Annie, such a loaded question. I could just work through the issues for the remainder of his stay here, and then just call it quits at springtime when he finally leaves.

 

I rarely address life issues on ENA and mainly use this place to byotch about men. But ever since the doctor days, my life has plateaued and been stagnant….I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. That's why I went on the trip with him, kinda. And if I really want to shake my life up, moving across the country with him would be exactly the type of change that would create a new spankin life for me. I'm talking all the way down to a career change. I would be with someone I know and trust, he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me, and plus he would be working 80 hour weeks, so that gives us our own space. This would be unlike ANYTHING I'd ever done before. This, of course, would never happen unless these issues I have with him are discussed and on their way to being resolved.

 

On the other hand, moving with him looks like I am chasing a man across the country, who is chasing his dreams. I would be moving with him while he's fulfilling his life's purpose. My purpose would only be to satisfy an untimely itch. What happens when that itch is satisfied? Move back here and be lukewarm again?

 

Whimsical and lighthearted is so difficult for me. If I died today, I would not be satisfied with all the things I failed to explore. And exploring doesn't necessarily HAVE to be with him, but he does provide a safe outlet for me to do this with. I've had more adventure with him in the past three months than I've had in the last three years. And I'm not dead. Yay.

 

Finding safety with him while satisfying your itch to break out: that seems oxymoronic. Move across the continent, without him. Look him up when you are out there.

[Naomi99]

Exactly. If I wouldn't be moving to a new location by myself, then I shouldn't be going for another person.

 

Have so many doubts. I think he is trying to get back together because he has nothing to lose, so he just does whatever he pleases. He doesn't care because what does he have to lose? Nothing.

[tiredofvampires]

 

He's whimsical and thrives on the unknown. I am not like that. I like to know I have five power bars in my pantry at the start of the week.

 

I'm just wondering something.

 

When you went on your first road trip with him, the idea of being "messy and chaotic" and unpredictable and whimsical ("singing loudly in the car to the radio", etc. etc.) was the whole selling point of it for you. You wanted to do something that was completely in alignment with his way of being, and you jumped right on that train.

 

WHY?

 

And, given this was a human being, and a man no less, not an inanimate object to entertain yourself with -- what sort of connection did you want out of this, if any?

 

Edit: Going back a couple pages, I see this has been sorta covered.

[boltnrun]

I think, based on your eagerness to accompany him on the spontaneous trip, that he got the idea you love to live that way. Maybe you gave him that impression.

 

But that's not really you, is it?

[Naomi99]

@ Bolt and Tired of Vampires,

 

To be fair, we'd only been on two dates before we took the trip together. I didn't know his chaos and mess was as severe as it is, and he probably didn't realize how structured I am. Also, I'm not even that structured! He is so discombobulated that he makes me seem very structured in relativity to him.

 

The last three months have been wonderful for him because HE benefits from my preparedness and sensibilities.

 

I make his life better. For me, he causes me anxiety. I think that is why he is still pursuing me and I'm pretty much done.

[empath]

It's such a delicate balance, these human impulses! Spontaneity, whimsy, embracing life...

 

versus

 

order, sensibleness, responsibility.

 

Obviously, someone could have a good balance. All of us have some of both. I admit I have found both potentially attractive in different women. But too much of either – chaos, or on the other hand, rigidness – can be unattractive.

 

I do think the 'spontaneous' attributes can really stick out, because most people live life seeking order (which is a difficult thing to achieve in the Universe, after all – life, in some sense, is an organization of disparate parts [e.g., types of cells] into a [more or less!] coherent whole). But, unfortunately, that good balance is difficult to achieve, so it may be that the 'spontaneous' typically bring that chaos with them (which is hard to live with if one wants a coherent, unitary relationship).

 

It always depends on perspective and context, however. People might display different attributes at different ages, in different situations, etc. For example, I have been living my life pretty far on the 'disorder' end of the spectrum the past few years, because I have been traveling. In some ways, I have also become more flexible and less anxious (i.e., more on the 'spontaneity' end). However, in some ways I have become more rigid, precisely because of the chaos: I have some routines (in terms of the way I travel, or certain habits I have no matter where I am in the world) that I have to confront during those relatively rare periods that I'm traveling with others.

 

None of this really helps Naomi, sorry! Since it seems like you have a specific threshold that has been crossed with this gentleman (who is obviously very appealing in other ways). But I do think it's an interesting general problem -- a universal concern, really.

[mopo]

The fact that you were supporting him in ways, and already aware of this issue... makes me wonder how he was the perfect guy? I get that we don't all live in the world where the man takes care of the woman, but how was he taking care of you? You'll find so much better.

[Seraphim]

Still not getting why you don't block him if you are not getting back together. If it's a power thing that's kind of twisted .