notalady Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 J.man, no, I am not making any ouvert moves myself, God forbid But when he asks me to go lie on bed with him, I go. And do pretty much everything he asks. I think that's some form of green light there. But you are right, I am not showing that I am ready. And I am probably not. Rather what I wanted is for him to start asking and driving in that direction, like the other guys, and then after we have had a conversation, I may go for it or not, depending on what he says. He may be dating other people, although I doubt. But I've been dating other guys. Platonically only though. Today was supposed to be a date. And there's another one on Friday.. So my reasoning was if I start having sex with him, I'll pretty much bond, and won't want to date other guys. And I am not sure I want to stop dating others yet. I know, you'll ask with this plan why did I post here in the first place. What my friends said about potential sexual disfunction and how not normal this is, has rattled me. I would suggest having the exclusivity talk before sex. So if it feels too soon to be exclusive, it's too soon to have sex (maybe that's why he wanted to wait as well). Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 ^ + 1,000. My thoughts exactly. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 I know, you'll ask with this plan why did I post here in the first place. What my friends said about potential sexual disfunction and how not normal this is, has rattled me.Hey, c'mon now. You gotta give the j.man a little more credit. I'm a good guy. I swear! Everyone thinks so. But I would say to keep your friends out of your relationship business. You're not ready for sex. He's not pushing you into it. Seems about as good of an arrangement as it gets. Don't let mimosa-fueled dramatic rhetoric complicate it. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 It doesn't really bother me if seen through a lense of serious interest as it shows patience and consideration from his side. Great. But my girlfriends keep saying to me that it isn't normal, and that likely he has some physical disfunction, and I better find it out before I get more emotionally involved with him. We have a date this Wednesday. He's coming to pick me up at my house, and we''ll be alone for a couple of hours. What should I do? Should I talk to him about it? What are you going to say? "My girlfriend doesn't think your normal, discuss" Normal is defined different ways for different people. It's all a matter of perspective and experience. Keep an open dialogue with him. Your friend's experience isn't invalid, but she doesn't get to decide what is normal for other people. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 What if the genders in this thread were reversed. Think about it. Men are supposed to be horndogs and constantly ready to go. Therefore, he must be gay or have ED. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Men are supposed to be horndogs and constantly ready to go. Therefore, he must be gay or have ED. I wasn't making a sexist comment. That was my experience. He deviated from the norm that I've been accustomed to, and there was a significant underlying reason for that. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 But when he asks me to go lie on bed with him, I go. And do pretty much everything he asks. So my reasoning was if I start having sex with him, I'll pretty much bond, and won't want to date other guys. And I am not sure I want to stop dating others yet.. I am confused. You aren't ready but you go to his room and do pretty much everything he asks of you? Are you wanting him to make the move so you can tell him no? It seems like a test and thanks to your friends being in your ear, this guy has already failed. It doesn't seem right IMO 6 dates and he hasn't, isn't a big deal. Maybe exclusivity is as important to him as it is to you. There are plenty of men out there that are like that. Link to comment
notalady Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I am confused. You aren't ready but you go to his room and do pretty much everything he asks of you? Are you wanting him to make the move so you can tell him no? It seems like a test and thanks to your friends being in your ear, this guy has already failed. It doesn't seem right IMO 6 dates and he hasn't, isn't a big deal. Maybe exclusivity is as important to him as it is to you. There are plenty of men out there that are like that. Yep. Current partner and I didn't have sex till the 10th date (1.5 months), after agreeing that we are now official. Didn't even make out till the 9th. It was all about talking, getting to know each other and doing various activities, it was lots of fun. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I am confused. You aren't ready but you go to his room and do pretty much everything he asks of you? Are you wanting him to make the move so you can tell him no? Yeah I was confused by this too. OP isn't sure SHE is ready for sex, but nevertheless wants him to initiate sex regardless, lest she think there's something wrong with him? I HOPE I have MIS-interpreted this. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Yep. Current partner and I didn't have sex till the 10th date (1.5 months), after agreeing that we are now official. Didn't even make out till the 9th. It was all about talking, getting to know each other and doing various activities, it was lots of fun. 10 here too! Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Yep. Current partner and I didn't have sex till the 10th date (1.5 months), after agreeing that we are now official. Didn't even make out till the 9th. It was all about talking, getting to know each other and doing various activities, it was lots of fun. My ex (the six year guy) and I had sex the first night we met, and after that, it was all about talking, getting to know each other and doing various activities in addition to having sex, for the next SIX years. My recent ex (broke up with him last weekend) and thinking back, we had sex on the sixth date. Spent the next 2.5 months getting to know each other, doing various activities together, until it became obvious we were a complete mis-match and I broke up with him. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Gee, we only saw ourselves fully clothed at that point in dating. I think you need to put the stops on nudity and you need to get to know this guy better - you know very little about him - what his morals are, background, things he likes to do besides climbing - who he is as a man. No sofa dates. Just have fun dating - doing activities, etc. I am sick of other women complaining that a guy is not pawing them on the first date and need that validation so badly. Its your time to find out if he is a quality man - not if he will have meaningless sex with a woman he has only dated a few weeks. Link to comment
Broomwood Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I am confused. You aren't ready but you go to his room and do pretty much everything he asks of you? Are you wanting him to make the move so you can tell him no? It seems like a test and thanks to your friends being in your ear, this guy has already failed. It doesn't seem right IMO 6 dates and he hasn't, isn't a big deal. Maybe exclusivity is as important to him as it is to you. There are plenty of men out there that are like that. Reinvent myself, thanks for pointing out the contradiction. Yes, it wasn't my plan to have sex with him until we've talked, and became exclusive. I have no idea what he's doing the rest of the time when we are not together (meet once a week). He has told me a few times "many people want me", and Katrina here told me what to say to that, lol. So when next time he brought it up, I answered. I think the reason he was bringing it up is to show me that I am special, and he does't just date anybody. Which was obvious, of course. Anyways, i don't feel quite safe with him yet, and I trust him only to point, and that's why I wouldn't have sex without talking. BUT that said I did let us make out and see how far he'd go. I would have of course, always said no. But he never did in the first place. "Do pretty much everything he asks" - I meant touching each other. I think he is a very decent guy with his own standards for treating a woman. He told me that he is not interested in a short term relationship and a short term gain. But for a long term one, of course, he needs to be sure that we are a good fit. So he's taking his time to form an opinion. I knew that, yet let my girl friend doubt his credibility. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Reinvent myself, thanks for pointing out the contradiction. Yes, it wasn't my plan to have sex with him until we've talked, and became exclusive. I have no idea what he's doing the rest of the time when we are not together (meet once a week). He has told me a few times "many people want me", and Katrina here told me what to say to that, lol. So when next time he brought it up, I answered. I think the reason he was bringing it up is to show me that I am special, and he does't just date anybody. Which was obvious, of course. Anyways, i don't feel quite safe with him yet, and I trust him only to point, and that's why I wouldn't have sex without talking. BUT that said I did let us make out and see how far he'd go. I would have of course, always said no. But he never did in the first place. "Do pretty much everything he asks" - I meant touching each other. I think he is a very decent guy with his own standards for treating a woman. He told me that he is not interested in a short term relationship and a short term gain. But for a long term one, of course, he needs to be sure that we are a good fit. So he's taking his time to form an opinion. I knew that, yet let my girl friend doubt his credibility. I recall your other post now. So, he's given valid, respectable reasons why he hasn't had sex with you right away. This is what dating is for. You spend this time and a number of dates to take information to decide whether you go any further or not. You listen to your friends. . and you listen to what he has to say. Bottom line, you listen to your intuition and decide for yourself. Good luck! Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Lol, time to undress him and find out what's wrong. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I have no idea what he's doing the rest of the time when we are not together (meet once a week). Why don't you find out? not in a suspicious way, but in a getting to know you because I like you way. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 He doesnt offer any visibility into his hours? Link to comment
justshine1 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 To me it just seems he's a gentlemen. I'd be impressed! If a guy try sleeping with me on the first date would be less hen impressed. To me it's special and takes time Why do it fast? Because then there is nothing to look forward to. Link to comment
Broomwood Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 Thanks everybody for your views!! So appreciate it! So, at the date on Wednesday I took the plunge. We were alone at my home, and he started making moves. I thought that it was time. Bottom line we did have sex! BUT Oh dear how disappointed I was.. There were two issues with it: soft erection - I don't know what you call it, but when it's up, it's flabby. He was probably nervous. And the second was .. focusing mainly on himself, not doing enough for me. I don't remember having that dismal sex in many years. Still, I'm willing to do it 1-2 more times to see if anything will be different. It looks like the first issue maybe solvable if he relaxes more, but the second issue gosh, what do you even do with it?? Also, is there a chance that say, from - 20, it would go to +50? Very unlikely, right? Link to comment
notalady Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Did you try telling him what you like and try guiding him? The second issue would be a deal breaker for me if it doesn't change after a few times. The first issue, yes possibly just nervousness. Has happened to me before and goes away once he's more comfortable and relaxed with me. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 BW, jmo but there was no excuse for the second issue, except pure selfishness and disregard. At this EXTREMELY early stage, I would not bother *talking* to him about it. This stage is the time to evaluate whether or not he is the right guy for you. Save the *discussions* about your needs (especially sexual) for when you are *in* a committed relationship. The goal being compromise and resolution. Not to mention, you can't *teach* a man how NOT to be selfish. And again at this early stage, I wouldn't want to even if it were possible. That's his nature. If it were me, I would just walk. Gah. Re the first issue, if the second issue did not exist, I would say he was nervous and continue dating. Understanding and patience would be needed. BTW, how did you respond when he was *soft*? Did you express or show disappointment? Did he say anything, like he was nervous or give another reason? Sexual compatibility is super important to me which is one reason why I personally don't like to wait too long. Reason being, the longer I date a man, the more emotionally attached I become, and if the sex sucks (he's selfish like this guy was), it makes it that much harder to walk away. Just me. Link to comment
Chloee1988 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Thanks everybody for your views!! So appreciate it! So, at the date on Wednesday I took the plunge. We were alone at my home, and he started making moves. I thought that it was time. Bottom line we did have sex! BUT Oh dear how disappointed I was.. There were two issues with it: soft erection - I don't know what you call it, but when it's up, it's flabby. He was probably nervous. And the second was .. focusing mainly on himself, not doing enough for me. I don't remember having that dismal sex in many years. Still, I'm willing to do it 1-2 more times to see if anything will be different. It looks like the first issue maybe solvable if he relaxes more, but the second issue gosh, what do you even do with it?? Also, is there a chance that say, from - 20, it would go to +50? Very unlikely, right? Sorry to hear As in any relationship, sexual chemistry is EXTREMELY important. Regarding your 1st issue, I never experienced that so I wouldn't know what to tell you; maybe go w/ your gut feeling or wait another few times to see if he gets more comfortable. First time sex can sometimes be awkward. Regarding the 2nd issue, I would DEFINITELY mention your discomfort it if you guys plan on having sex again. Sex between 2 partners is all about give and take, and if he only knows how to take, its problematic. Maybe you just need to guide him and show him subtly how to give and please a woman. Some men honestly just don't know either because of inexperience, immaturity or oblivion. Doesn't hurt to try. Wait a couple of weeks to see how you feel romantically AND sexually, and if things really don't get better, I'd end things. Sex is a big component to a relationship, and it needs to be enjoyable, passionate and mutually satisfying! Good luck Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Thanks everybody for your views!! So appreciate it! So, at the date on Wednesday I took the plunge. We were alone at my home, and he started making moves. I thought that it was time. Bottom line we did have sex! BUT Oh dear how disappointed I was.. There were two issues with it: soft erection - I don't know what you call it, but when it's up, it's flabby. He was probably nervous. And the second was .. focusing mainly on himself, not doing enough for me. I don't remember having that dismal sex in many years. Still, I'm willing to do it 1-2 more times to see if anything will be different. It looks like the first issue maybe solvable if he relaxes more, but the second issue gosh, what do you even do with it?? Also, is there a chance that say, from - 20, it would go to +50? Very unlikely, right? I knew there had to be something. He's a dud root. I wouldn't be going back for seconds or thirds. Link to comment
Broomwood Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 I knew there had to be something. He's a dud root. I wouldn't be going back for seconds or thirds. What makes you think so? Can you explain to me your logic. I thought that the second issue is tied with the fact that he's a selfish, career focused alfa male. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 What makes you think so? Can you explain to me your logic. I thought that the second issue is tied with the fact that he's a selfish, career focused alfa male. You said he was bad in bed! What's his personality like? Link to comment
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