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  1. From what I understand adultery starts when a married couple have already drifted apart. What it means is that it's a natural outcome, and if not with her, there'll be another opportunity, with another woman. What do you do as a wife to bring the connection back up? Yes, he did distance himself, yes he wants time alone, but why? What made him drift apart? Did you become less attractive after the second child birth? Did you become less available for him to play with you? Did you become a mama and not a woman anymore? Well, spying on him and collecting evidence for your righteousness won't change a thing in the right direction for your marriage.
  2. I agree with you, Reinventyourself, that she willingly risked putting friendship on the line. While I was the one defending it that evening, and twice afterwords. Having read your replies, ladies, thank you Rose Mosse, I am inclined to think that there was no real friendship, only my illusion of thereof. It wasn't one sided in terms on energy, heck no, and I am just as assertive, but it was definitely different in terms of status. So thank you, Smackie, for pointing that out.
  3. Well, I'd focus on two things: earn respect for yourself and be accepting of her new look/values. It is temporary. It is definitely a teenager thing. Just be a sort of father figure for her and your daughter too. Accepting of the eccentric behaviour, not judging, being smart and dependable this time yourself. Having a job, having a plan for life, striving for better things, better future, looking after yourself - being in good physical shape, hygiene etc - physically attractive, is a turn on for most women. A guy with a plan, with a back bone, who knows what he wants, what to do, who's strong, and accepting at the same time, with boundaries of course. Like when she starts telling you those things you don't want to hear, you can tell her honesty that it hurts you to hear them, and please can she omit the details. If she doesn't, you need to leave, and say I'd come in another time. I think mainly commanding respect through a good job, being mature adult this time for two girls, defending your values and what's important to you, looking after yourself will eventually shift her towards becoming more normal again. When she was "the smart, mature classy", you were the weak and broken, she "pulled you out of the gutter". Now it's your turn, so to say. You now need to become responsible, dependable adult so that she can relax, and be a happy woman again.
  4. Correct. She and I both had boyfriends up until about six months ago. The bfs were so similar in their negative traits, this is how our friendship started. My bf broke up with me in October, and this is when she said she started feeing attracted to me.
  5. Hi all, I have had, what I thought one of my best friends, a female. I am a female too. We had become very close friends about a year ago, and were confiding in each other our inner most secrets, if you will. She's an incredible woman, and a wildly successful business woman. I felt flattered to have become her friend, but also very fortunate to have found such a close friend, like a sister. We have so many things in common. Long story short, one day she forgot the keys from her house, and I invited her to say over the night at mine. She jumped at the idea. We played tennis, had dinner, and then more and more so I started finding her behaviour and her presence weird. I became aware of some bizarre energy around her, and started having sexual thoughts. Literally inside I was preying God to leave me in peace from these thoughts, and let this wonderful friendship continue. She pulled her chair next to mine and took me by the hand, and didn't let go. She said was she felt very attracted to me, and wanted to touch me. It was the most awkward moment I remember. Not wanting to hurt her, wanting our friendship to continue and not knowing what was going on inside me. I said that I thought I felt attracted to her too - at that moment it felt like it - but that our friendship was very dear to me, and that I didn't want to spoil it. I said that we better leave things as they are, it's too shady a territory, and I am not sure I want to go there. She insisted, or boy how much she insisted. She invited me to her bedroom - my spare bedroom - and then not having a response, came over to mine, and said she wanted to have a shower in my bedroom, while she could have used the other bathroom. The shower thing was totally unnecessary .. at midnight. The more she insisted and pushed for it, the angrier I became. The bathing in the shower was for ages. Finally she went downstairs. I lay awake all night scared that she'd budge in during the night with her requests. More scared of my violent response - I really thought I'd punch her if she did come during the night. Thankfully she didn't. The morning was very strained and short. She got ready and left. We didn't talk about it. That day I got a call from her. I didn't want to answer that and face more awkwardness. She texted that she thought we indeed better leave things as they are, or they'd become too complicated. And gave me advice - unsolicited - on my career - of course. I replied something very nice and asked her some questions about her family. Nothing, no response. We didn't talk in four weeks. I texted her yesterday, hey, would be lovely to see you, let's play tennis or go somewhere. She replied hours later saying she's away in Spain for Easter, "but what's news"? I inferred that she wasn't keen to meet. So I said well Happy Easter then and happy birthday, if I don't see you, I know it's coming soon. She didn't reply. I am asking myself these questions: was it real friendship or was she courting me so to say? She does have access to all the best things in town, and being with her you get access to these things. I recall one other time she insisted fervently on me staying the night at her house, while I didn't see why it was necessary. Now I see why. I am feeling a bit sad and disillusioned. But what would our friendship be like from now on? I am not attracted to her normally, no, but when she is to me, the massive energy just engulfs you, I don't know a better word for it. It feels very uncomfortable and awekward in the same space as her. The thing is I don't know what I feel myself in those moments. Mostly I feel angry now that she put me through this discomfort, the sleepless night, and how she pressured me.
  6. I was that someone asking for time and space of a partner. What happens is, the giving party, she or me in that case, overgave, in terms of time, attention, energy and cannot carry on "giving" at this rate any longer. The giving party is also a needy party, wanting badly love/companionship/sex etc and for that they sacrifice a lot of their own self. So just again, she or me in that case was not the real me or the real she, it was a pretend she, or pretend me. But there comes a time when such giving cannot continue. In my case it came very suddenly. I became aware that I felt burdened by this person, my partner, by his presence in the same physical space as me, and more so my own self - finally - was screaming, "But I want me time! My books. My thoughts. Alone time! Things just for me!" It came very abruptly, forcefully and I could not cope with it well. It wasn't nice to him, I realised, but I couldn't do any better, the feelings were too strong, and just told him not to come for the time being, that I wanted space. He was very hurt. It took me ten wonderful days of alone time. I wasn't thinking about him at all. Only how wonderful it was to be me again and to live my life how I wanted. And I also then understood that I cannot see myself with him in the long term. I loved him and sex was great, but I knew that this was temporary. So yes, six months or so later, I broke up with him, I admit also abruptly. There came another wave of Want to be alone. But mainly, "Can't be with him. Enough". So in your case, take it seriously, and don't assume that things will later be back to normal.
  7. Hi Katrina! Thank you, yes, I get that. To get to the heart of the matter, I think we are just not right for each other. Lights off. :)
  8. While trying to decide if you can or cannot trust him again, you cannot not consider what it is like for him, and what is pushing him to do those things. The answer to your questions is therefore, things unchanged as they are, no, you cannot trust him because he is unconsciously driven to meet his needs elsewhere. This is why I am saying, but look at his side of the moon, get into his motorcycle boots. And do so without judging. Be accepting of what he's feeling. Why he feels he needs to do those things. Looks like sex life isn't satisfying. Extra money is basically needed to find pleasure in some things he can buy, because he doesn't get that satisfaction out of living with you. He may need novelty and excitement like all men. Accusing him that he's being a d-i-c-k isn't solving anything. Help him meet his needs without crossing the boundaries, and he'll be your man again, loyal and trustworthy.
  9. Even if the condom failed, don't panic, there's an emergency pill, not the morning after, but another, I think you can use it within six weeks of date of intercourse. I used it once. But you need to go to your GP or clinic. It's basically a massive dose of estrogen to suffocate the foetus. Estrogen limits oxygen availability in the uterus.
  10. Oh yeah, he is completely insecure with girls, and doesn't have much success. He probably fallen out of his tree when I became interested in him.
  11. Thanks very much, Jman. That's a substantial response with many good points. I like your closing line, "At this point, it's only as big a deal as either of you make it". He's making it big - no texts from him today compared to his usual mini avalanche of texts. And I am just standing by and watching. Oh we had lots of fun, and my fun hat was mostly on at all times. And the texts were fun and flirty mostly. He put in so much effort to convince me that he was interested. He made me soup. He repaired a few things in my house, and offered to help with more. We planned to go for another dinner next week. And if I responded warmly after so much attention, it's only normal, and if he goes missing pretty much, it only tells me one thing - this guy isn't ready for emotional intimacy. His history I think is a good judge - he separated 13 years ago, and didn't remarry. He offered me some stats, but mostly hush-hush about what it was like for the thirteen years. "50% with someone, 50% without". "But surely, in the thirteen years you met some nice girl.." "Um, no one I really wanted to stay long term with". I think it's basically a big red flag. Am I going to entertain a thought that I am going to be different from the 50%? Nah. I don't feel like contacting him tomorrow about the theatre. If he does so fine, I'll go. And maybe I'll put on my fun hat on. But as of now I don't feel like it. I think it maybe a case of cookie cutter incompatibility.
  12. Thank you, Andrina! Wise words. OLD is this case. After our first date where we spent four hours, a very long time for me, I walked out feeling quite exhausted and annoyed. His hard science approach to things tired out and annoyed me, as did his judgmental nature, and I remember thinking I'd just be more annoyed down the road. But since then we did very well, and I wasn't any more annoyed, until these texts. And by then I already started liking him. However in hindsight, I should have listened to myself. OMG, I'd be mortified to call him after I have exposed myself enough already. And we never call, only WhatsApp.
  13. Would you contact him about the theatre or wait till he does? And if he doesn't, would you do it?
  14. Clarify the misunderstanding. His banter annoyed me a bit, but we cleared it. I liked how he handled it, and felt appreciative which I expressed in my text. I didn't respond to his further texts because there was no substance discussion. But I still wanted to see him.
  15. Thank you very much, SweetGirl, Sportster, Musicman, Keyman! I appreciate you guys have responded. The communication is not generally that difficult or awkward, no. Well, if he texts today or tomorrow about the theatre, I'd go, and try to talk it over. If not, I am not going to contact him myself, I don't think. I feel very exposed over calling him my dear and reassuring him like this, and getting a cold shoulder back.
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