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Everything posted by Broomwood

  1. From what I understand adultery starts when a married couple have already drifted apart. What it means is that it's a natural outcome, and if not with her, there'll be another opportunity, with another woman. What do you do as a wife to bring the connection back up? Yes, he did distance himself, yes he wants time alone, but why? What made him drift apart? Did you become less attractive after the second child birth? Did you become less available for him to play with you? Did you become a mama and not a woman anymore? Well, spying on him and collecting evidence for your righteousness won't change a thing in the right direction for your marriage.
  2. I agree with you, Reinventyourself, that she willingly risked putting friendship on the line. While I was the one defending it that evening, and twice afterwords. Having read your replies, ladies, thank you Rose Mosse, I am inclined to think that there was no real friendship, only my illusion of thereof. It wasn't one sided in terms on energy, heck no, and I am just as assertive, but it was definitely different in terms of status. So thank you, Smackie, for pointing that out.
  3. Well, I'd focus on two things: earn respect for yourself and be accepting of her new look/values. It is temporary. It is definitely a teenager thing. Just be a sort of father figure for her and your daughter too. Accepting of the eccentric behaviour, not judging, being smart and dependable this time yourself. Having a job, having a plan for life, striving for better things, better future, looking after yourself - being in good physical shape, hygiene etc - physically attractive, is a turn on for most women. A guy with a plan, with a back bone, who knows what he wants, what to do, who's strong, and accepting at the same time, with boundaries of course. Like when she starts telling you those things you don't want to hear, you can tell her honesty that it hurts you to hear them, and please can she omit the details. If she doesn't, you need to leave, and say I'd come in another time. I think mainly commanding respect through a good job, being mature adult this time for two girls, defending your values and what's important to you, looking after yourself will eventually shift her towards becoming more normal again. When she was "the smart, mature classy", you were the weak and broken, she "pulled you out of the gutter". Now it's your turn, so to say. You now need to become responsible, dependable adult so that she can relax, and be a happy woman again.
  4. Correct. She and I both had boyfriends up until about six months ago. The bfs were so similar in their negative traits, this is how our friendship started. My bf broke up with me in October, and this is when she said she started feeing attracted to me.
  5. Hi all, I have had, what I thought one of my best friends, a female. I am a female too. We had become very close friends about a year ago, and were confiding in each other our inner most secrets, if you will. She's an incredible woman, and a wildly successful business woman. I felt flattered to have become her friend, but also very fortunate to have found such a close friend, like a sister. We have so many things in common. Long story short, one day she forgot the keys from her house, and I invited her to say over the night at mine. She jumped at the idea. We played tennis, had dinner, and then more and more so I started finding her behaviour and her presence weird. I became aware of some bizarre energy around her, and started having sexual thoughts. Literally inside I was preying God to leave me in peace from these thoughts, and let this wonderful friendship continue. She pulled her chair next to mine and took me by the hand, and didn't let go. She said was she felt very attracted to me, and wanted to touch me. It was the most awkward moment I remember. Not wanting to hurt her, wanting our friendship to continue and not knowing what was going on inside me. I said that I thought I felt attracted to her too - at that moment it felt like it - but that our friendship was very dear to me, and that I didn't want to spoil it. I said that we better leave things as they are, it's too shady a territory, and I am not sure I want to go there. She insisted, or boy how much she insisted. She invited me to her bedroom - my spare bedroom - and then not having a response, came over to mine, and said she wanted to have a shower in my bedroom, while she could have used the other bathroom. The shower thing was totally unnecessary .. at midnight. The more she insisted and pushed for it, the angrier I became. The bathing in the shower was for ages. Finally she went downstairs. I lay awake all night scared that she'd budge in during the night with her requests. More scared of my violent response - I really thought I'd punch her if she did come during the night. Thankfully she didn't. The morning was very strained and short. She got ready and left. We didn't talk about it. That day I got a call from her. I didn't want to answer that and face more awkwardness. She texted that she thought we indeed better leave things as they are, or they'd become too complicated. And gave me advice - unsolicited - on my career - of course. I replied something very nice and asked her some questions about her family. Nothing, no response. We didn't talk in four weeks. I texted her yesterday, hey, would be lovely to see you, let's play tennis or go somewhere. She replied hours later saying she's away in Spain for Easter, "but what's news"? I inferred that she wasn't keen to meet. So I said well Happy Easter then and happy birthday, if I don't see you, I know it's coming soon. She didn't reply. I am asking myself these questions: was it real friendship or was she courting me so to say? She does have access to all the best things in town, and being with her you get access to these things. I recall one other time she insisted fervently on me staying the night at her house, while I didn't see why it was necessary. Now I see why. I am feeling a bit sad and disillusioned. But what would our friendship be like from now on? I am not attracted to her normally, no, but when she is to me, the massive energy just engulfs you, I don't know a better word for it. It feels very uncomfortable and awekward in the same space as her. The thing is I don't know what I feel myself in those moments. Mostly I feel angry now that she put me through this discomfort, the sleepless night, and how she pressured me.
  6. I was that someone asking for time and space of a partner. What happens is, the giving party, she or me in that case, overgave, in terms of time, attention, energy and cannot carry on "giving" at this rate any longer. The giving party is also a needy party, wanting badly love/companionship/sex etc and for that they sacrifice a lot of their own self. So just again, she or me in that case was not the real me or the real she, it was a pretend she, or pretend me. But there comes a time when such giving cannot continue. In my case it came very suddenly. I became aware that I felt burdened by this person, my partner, by his presence in the same physical space as me, and more so my own self - finally - was screaming, "But I want me time! My books. My thoughts. Alone time! Things just for me!" It came very abruptly, forcefully and I could not cope with it well. It wasn't nice to him, I realised, but I couldn't do any better, the feelings were too strong, and just told him not to come for the time being, that I wanted space. He was very hurt. It took me ten wonderful days of alone time. I wasn't thinking about him at all. Only how wonderful it was to be me again and to live my life how I wanted. And I also then understood that I cannot see myself with him in the long term. I loved him and sex was great, but I knew that this was temporary. So yes, six months or so later, I broke up with him, I admit also abruptly. There came another wave of Want to be alone. But mainly, "Can't be with him. Enough". So in your case, take it seriously, and don't assume that things will later be back to normal.
  7. Hi Katrina! Thank you, yes, I get that. To get to the heart of the matter, I think we are just not right for each other. Lights off. :)
  8. While trying to decide if you can or cannot trust him again, you cannot not consider what it is like for him, and what is pushing him to do those things. The answer to your questions is therefore, things unchanged as they are, no, you cannot trust him because he is unconsciously driven to meet his needs elsewhere. This is why I am saying, but look at his side of the moon, get into his motorcycle boots. And do so without judging. Be accepting of what he's feeling. Why he feels he needs to do those things. Looks like sex life isn't satisfying. Extra money is basically needed to find pleasure in some things he can buy, because he doesn't get that satisfaction out of living with you. He may need novelty and excitement like all men. Accusing him that he's being a d-i-c-k isn't solving anything. Help him meet his needs without crossing the boundaries, and he'll be your man again, loyal and trustworthy.
  9. Even if the condom failed, don't panic, there's an emergency pill, not the morning after, but another, I think you can use it within six weeks of date of intercourse. I used it once. But you need to go to your GP or clinic. It's basically a massive dose of estrogen to suffocate the foetus. Estrogen limits oxygen availability in the uterus.
  10. Oh yeah, he is completely insecure with girls, and doesn't have much success. He probably fallen out of his tree when I became interested in him.
  11. Thanks very much, Jman. That's a substantial response with many good points. I like your closing line, "At this point, it's only as big a deal as either of you make it". He's making it big - no texts from him today compared to his usual mini avalanche of texts. And I am just standing by and watching. Oh we had lots of fun, and my fun hat was mostly on at all times. And the texts were fun and flirty mostly. He put in so much effort to convince me that he was interested. He made me soup. He repaired a few things in my house, and offered to help with more. We planned to go for another dinner next week. And if I responded warmly after so much attention, it's only normal, and if he goes missing pretty much, it only tells me one thing - this guy isn't ready for emotional intimacy. His history I think is a good judge - he separated 13 years ago, and didn't remarry. He offered me some stats, but mostly hush-hush about what it was like for the thirteen years. "50% with someone, 50% without". "But surely, in the thirteen years you met some nice girl.." "Um, no one I really wanted to stay long term with". I think it's basically a big red flag. Am I going to entertain a thought that I am going to be different from the 50%? Nah. I don't feel like contacting him tomorrow about the theatre. If he does so fine, I'll go. And maybe I'll put on my fun hat on. But as of now I don't feel like it. I think it maybe a case of cookie cutter incompatibility.
  12. Thank you, Andrina! Wise words. OLD is this case. After our first date where we spent four hours, a very long time for me, I walked out feeling quite exhausted and annoyed. His hard science approach to things tired out and annoyed me, as did his judgmental nature, and I remember thinking I'd just be more annoyed down the road. But since then we did very well, and I wasn't any more annoyed, until these texts. And by then I already started liking him. However in hindsight, I should have listened to myself. OMG, I'd be mortified to call him after I have exposed myself enough already. And we never call, only WhatsApp.
  13. Would you contact him about the theatre or wait till he does? And if he doesn't, would you do it?
  14. Clarify the misunderstanding. His banter annoyed me a bit, but we cleared it. I liked how he handled it, and felt appreciative which I expressed in my text. I didn't respond to his further texts because there was no substance discussion. But I still wanted to see him.
  15. Thank you very much, SweetGirl, Sportster, Musicman, Keyman! I appreciate you guys have responded. The communication is not generally that difficult or awkward, no. Well, if he texts today or tomorrow about the theatre, I'd go, and try to talk it over. If not, I am not going to contact him myself, I don't think. I feel very exposed over calling him my dear and reassuring him like this, and getting a cold shoulder back.
  16. Hi guys, I think I've made a blunder, but not sure, can you offer me your thoughts. I've known this guy for three weeks, and we went out a few times. I'd been to his house. And he had been to mine, and repaired a few things. We didn't have sex. I think we both like each other, and are def attracted to each other. After his visiting my house he started texting me a lot more, saying "I really enjoyed time with you. I can't stop thinking about you", and been in touch with me multiple times a day writing me proper long messages. We also had a dinner date on Monday. And kissed afterwords in the car. He had tried to be physical with me a few times before that, but I always acted aloof. This time after dinner, I thought that if I continue to act aloof, nothing will happen. So I kind of initiated the kiss, and he said, "I've been wanting this for a long time". Some of his late text messages annoyed me, they had shame and judgments statements to them, what seemed like for a joke. "You're so odd, it makes me laugh! You're so mean!" You are so this and you are so that! I told him how these texts made me feel, and if he can do something about it. He responded very well, apologised profusely - it's all for a joke of course, and acted very caring, and very considerate. I was really touched by his response. And sent him a nice text back. Then he texts me again asking questions etc, distracting me basically, which I ignored, then he texts again, if I was by chance still upset, and how he was sorry, and how would he make it up to me. Gosh. I thought this behaviour was quite insecure. And as I was really touched by his care, and wanted to reassure him, I responded the following, "Oh my dear, I am not at all upset. You've done a wonderful job of reassuring me. I was really touched. I didn't respond because I was busy with a, b, c.. (was open about the a,b,c) Sending you a big kiss". I called him my dear in a sweet, friendly way, but we don't call each other like this. And from then on, he went distant. His usually generous text messages changed to a line or two of small talk. He obviously freaked out. And I stopped responding to the small talk texts, what's the point. Usually he's in touch fist thing in the morning, "I am wishing you nice day. Big hug" kind of thing. Today is nothing. And I am not saying anything either. Tomorrow we are meant to go to the theatre together, and I am feeling very uncomfortable going with him. I am wondering, did I do a blunder sending him that text, and it was too soon kind of, or was it not too soon, and it's just his problem. Can you offer me your impartial views please. And what do you think about tomorrow? I've got the tickets. I can just go alone or with a friend, and say to him I felt more comfortable this way should we speak again. What do you advise? Thank you!
  17. I read this book too years ago, and remember having a mega shift in my mind as a result. Good recommendation. Based on what I know now from quantum physics, the so called observe effect, shows us this that is true at the level of subatomic particles. Where you place your focus is everything.
  18. Exactly, Rosephase! It was communicated in a joking manner, but given what I just wrote below, it fits perfectly the description of a maniac on a mission to find a 1000% compatible soul partner with guarantees and assuredness from God. I am turned off.
  19. Thank you very much for your responses, lovely people. I also found his responses very odd. But in fact took the time and went back to our initial conversation on the app. I remember being turned off by his extreme form of questioning, dissecting and doubting everything I said with regards to our compatibility. He almost fell out his tree to my remark that I thought he and I were compatible. He asked me three hundred minutia questions, and I remember being turned off by that. But we didn't talk about that nonsense for a week before the date, and on the date I liked him. So.. he's just a nut, but not insecure in any way, on the contrary very secure. I have decided not to respond to him. He gets on my nerves.
  20. I had a 1st date with a guy yesterday. He's my type, and I liked him. We had a short date due to his meeting his daughter straight after. We had a great conversation, and he seemed engaged and interested. So was I. He pulled himself close to me once or twice, first to check the amount of make up I had on (little), second to check what height I was, and if I had hills on. We had a bit of banter at the end. Partying he just said, "bye, see you". Today he texts me, "hi, I assume you got home safe. So what do you think? A first date goes so quickly!". I replied trying to be both honest and funny, "the gentleman was attractive and enjoyable to talk to with enigmatic, snug happiness about him". He, "what do you mean by snug?" Me, "I enjoyed talking to you, and had a good time. I don't know what else to say", He, "Ah - snug usually means a more negative thing". I'm getting turned off by this convo. He doesn't seem that interested or else he'd have suggested we meet again. And I don't understand why he started this conversation in the first place. So I am inclined to just stop responding. If he wants to take it further, he will. What do you guys think?
  21. With regards to the paralegal girl, who dates so cooly like a guy. She reminded me of a paralegal girl I knew some years ago. Then 36 with a 15 year old daughter. I guess numbers would be similar for those two. That girl was extremely attractive, like a model, but so messed up. So she too multidated and had sex with all of the guys she dated. Not at once obviously. And her story is a very sad one. Despite her looks, she rarely went beyond 4-5 dates with any given guy. She too enjoyed it all, and was cool about it. But it was only on the surface. Beneath was a messed up little girl, whose only known means to attract and keep a guy was sex. It never worked. Just like some of the guys on this thread posted, once a guy sniffs that a girl has sex with other guys, he kind of boxes her in the "sex only" box. As a romantic interest she is finished. I guess she was also insecure in her ways and attention seeking that became obvious to the guys after several dates.. I would generilise, and say that what is normal for girls in this group, is not normal per se, it's a pretend normal, or a sick normal. For a healthy (not messed up) guy who's looking for anything beyond the few hook ups, a girl he's having sex with, who he knows also dates others, and who knows that he also dates others, cannot exist simultaneously as a hot bytch and a romantic girl he'd love and cherish.
  22. Thank you so much, wonderful people, for great advice. I agree with the ladies, who suggested gaining a higher vantage point, and getting yourself focused on one's own life. After no success for so long, I decided that I need to use "heavy artillery" in this case. I had a break up tape from some years ago that I found extremely helpful once upon a time. And I dusted it off, and did a first session. Going through the hard questions made me shed lots of tears that day. But at last I felt the sense of emotional freedom and peace inside me. At last. And I felt so happy. And what do you think happened next? This one bit I don't really know how to explain. That night I saw him in my dream. And it was such a crystal clear dream that when you wake up, you're mixed up about where you are. For starters I never saw him in my dreams, left alone so clearly and pointedly. My head on the pillow, his face above mine, and we're having a conversation. Him, "I am not engaging in this sort of nonsense". Me, "I was angry with you". He, "I was angry with you too". And then we kiss, and the kiss is so tender and so loving. And long. I wake up still feeling his kiss on my lips and being permeated with the sense of loving. I have to tell that I rarely ever see my bfs in my dreams, normally only those with whom I had a strong emotional bond with, and I can count only two. And one other aspect is that recently I started having dreams with premonitions. I had three in the last two years. Most bizarre, but the bottom line things happen in the next few days as per dream. And it's is only when there's a soul level bond with another person. There isn't any premonition in this dream only that we have feelings for each other, but he dismisses the whole idea of putting it out in the open, and discussing the differences. While no new information in it, it sure has set me back since my higher vantage point the day before. I've been thinking about him again. Didn't have a chance to start session two yet, but will do my best to do it tomorrow.
  23. I agree with you fully on the importance of belief/requirement system. And there's such system in place. As to keeping dating, I am trying, but so far find it of little use, as no one compares to him.
  24. But he has been blocked!! For two months now. He emailed last time. Can I block people from emailing me? I agree that the periodic contact is a set back.
  25. Yes, exactly, spot on! I am stuck in the 'honeymoon phase'. Disillusionment hasn't really set in yet. I know about the lessons that are contained in every painful relationship, and been working to understand them. This is definitely the path.
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