Girlfriend flies off the handle for asking for me asking to discuss an issue

[gianno]

You think dancing is disrespectful. She doesn't . Are you going to change your stance? Or will she?

 

finally, someone gets what the discussion was for

[RainyCoast]

so why have you been complaining- for months- how people wrongly perceive boundaries as control and how a need for autonomy is just wimmin being insecure? you are very ticked off when people refuse to dumb themselves down regarding their perfectly good understanding of personal autonomy in their unwillingness to be controlled.

 

the woman dances. you have a problem with dancing. dump her for christ's sake. if you go around publicly explaining how you have the right to tell someone they're not allowed to dance you'll be escorted to an institution.

[Seraphim]

finally, someone gets what the discussion was for

 

Still, who will be changing their stance? Because for this relationship to continue well someone has to bend or give in.

[gianno]

so why have you been complaining- for months- how people wrongly perceive boundaries as control and how a need for autonomy is just wimmin being insecure? you are very ticked off when people refuse to dumb themselves down in their refusal to be controlled.

 

the woman dances. you have a problem with dancing. dump her for christ's sake. if you go around publicly explaining how you have the right to tell someone they're not allowed to dance you'll be escorted to an institution.

 

singe handily in one single post you have stigmatized and discriminated against people with mental illness, great job fulfilling your disrespect quota for the whole year lol

[j.man]

I'll extend an olive branch here.

 

I wouldn't date someone who club / bar dances. I don't have anything against dancing, but your standard singles bar bump and grind ain't me and it ain't a woman I'd ever consider dating. As it seems, the woman your with is into that kinda thing. That speaks to incompatibility, not her being right or wrong.

 

Personally, I don't really see the harm in "we'll talk about it later" if it means you want to have time dedicated to spelling out boundaries. If it's to tell her how it's wrong and how she shouldn't be dancing, that's an entire other matter.

[rosephase]

She yelled at me, at least as loud as a screeching tire, I think that can classify as screaming. Second of all read post, I never get her to report to me lol. Thirdly, the wanting of a discussion does not equal me wanting to control her actions

 

But the issue is that you don't think it's respectful for your partner to go out dancing. What were you hoping would change by talking about it if you aren't asking her to limit her choices based on your ideas?

 

Anyway. The controlling part is your issue. But just as a heads up? She is going to keep freaking out at you when you set boundaries on what she can do with her time. You two are a bad match. You have different values and desires. You should break up.

[gianno]

I'll extend an olive branch here.

 

I wouldn't date someone who club / bar dances. I don't have anything against dancing, but your standard singles bar bump and grind ain't me and it ain't a woman I'd ever consider dating. As it seems, the woman your with is into that kinda thing. That speaks to incompatibility, not her being right or wrong.

 

Personally, I don't really see the harm in "we'll talk about it later" if it means you want to have time dedicated to spelling out boundaries. If it's to tell her how it's wrong and how she shouldn't be dancing, that's an entire other matter.

 

It's funny ever man who has posted in this thread has agreed with me, not a gender debate just an observation

 

Exactly I just wanted to spell out clear boundaries for the both of us

[Seraphim]

And if you are at an impass?

[RainyCoast]

so during the months you spent complaining how "people need to understand it's boundaries, not control", was she dancing? because you have a pretty general problem that has been going on for quite a while, not a one evening of her perhaps rubbing against someone.

[Capricorn3]

She yelled at me, at least as loud as a screeching tire, I think that can classify as screaming. Second of all read post, I never get her to report to me lol. Thirdly, the wanting of a discussion does not equal me wanting to control her actions

~sigh~ such petty technicalities.

 

ok, maybe she was "screaming" (via text, hmmmm), but she certainly was justified for doing so, (imo).

 

I DID read your post and I never said that you "get her to report to you". I said kudos to her for letting you know where she was etc. I thought it was a nice thing to do, as she didn't have to do so. And then YOU lose it by getting all insecure about her dancing and going on and on about wanting to discuss it. It all comes back to you.

[gianno]

And if you are at an impass?

 

then either we create a middle ground, one of us bends a little or we breakup

[Seraphim]

then either we create a middle ground, one of us bends a little or we breakup

 

Well, someone has to bend or their is a break up. That's the way it works for every relationship .

[Doc Blaze]

It's funny ever man who has posted in this thread has agreed with me, not a gender debate just an observation

 

Exactly I just wanted to spell out clear boundaries for the both of us

 

 

i dont agree with you. But i also dont question my SO when they would go dancing unless there was a reason to.

 

 

 

do you think when your gf goes to bars, goes dancing that she is going to hit on or have guys hitting on her?

 

i read in your past threads about her going on and on about hot guys.

[gianno]

i dont agree with you. But i also dont question my SO when they would go dancing unless there was a reason to.

 

 

 

do you think when your gf goes to bars, goes dancing that she is going to hit on or have guys hitting on her?

 

i read in your past threads about her going on and on about hot guys.

 

not concerned at all and that's a different girl

[katrina1980]

I'll extend an olive branch here.

 

I wouldn't date someone who club / bar dances. I don't have anything against dancing, but your standard singles bar bump and grind ain't me and it ain't a woman I'd ever consider dating. As it seems, the woman your with is into that kinda thing. That speaks to incompatibility, not her being right or wrong.

 

Personally, I don't really see the harm in "we'll talk about it later" if it means you want to have time dedicated to spelling out boundaries. If it's to tell her how it's wrong and how she shouldn't be dancing, that's an entire other matter.

 

There is "bumping and grinding" that goes on for sure, yes.

 

But there is also simply dancing to the sound of some cool tunes being played by a great band, or DJ, as good fun, and enjoyment with friends or family... I love dancing myself, and have even danced "by myself" if I feel like it, the ONLY man you or anyone will ever see me 'bumping and grinding' with though is my bf.

 

Since she was with her family, I presumed it was the latter (no 'bumping or grinding'). But I could be wrong.

 

In any event, the OP's gf didn't say either way, she just said she was with her family for dinner and afterwards they went out to a bar (club?) and danced.

 

So to presume she was out *bumping and grinding* is a bit of a stretch imho.

 

The rest of your post I agree with.

[Longview01]

Dancing?

 

How dare she!

 

OP is so controlling he even wants to control how this thread goes...

[notalady]

I would be insulted if I told my partner I went out dancing with friends / family and he asks me to explain, even more so if he doesn't accept a simple "I just danced there's nothing more". It shows just how low he thinks of me and how much he doesn't trust me to behave appropriately while in a relationship.

 

Wanting to discuss boundaries in general is not done in this way, where you question someone about what they've done and tell them you need to discuss it further like they've done something wrong. If it's a general discussion, it could be brought up in person at another time (not right after the event), and a casual "so what are your thoughts about what's appropriate and what's not when going out to dancing while in a relationship? I want us to both still be able to go out and have fun for sure, but just want to make sure we're on the same page." which would've given her the opportunity to clarify exactly what she think is the boundary, and she may very well say she thinks it's fine as long as there's no sexualised contact like grinding and dancing closely with strangers etc.

 

Not advocating for her reaction, but it would behoove you to think about how you could've handled it better to make it clear what exactly you were trying to communicate (at the very least not be doing it over text).

[Tanzi]

Duuuude, you've got issues!!

 

So you want a "discussion" about the night's events? It wouldn't really be a discussion though would it? It would be you telling her what you don't like her doing .... or worse, what she can and can't do.

 

Where is this middle ground or compromise that you speak of? She likes to go dancing with friends, you don't like her going dancing with friends. So where's the middle ground? Is she allowed to go or not?

 

I have to say, I'm also a bit perplexed by all this "boundary" stuff. Personally speaking, the do's and dont's of a relationship are obvious in my eyes .... but then I'm old school. Discussing "boundaries" seems perfectly respectful in some sense but there seems to be a thin line between "boundaries" and "control". To me solid, working relationships are built on mutual trust, respect and understanding without there having to be endless discussions on what is or isn't allowed, acceptable or appropriate every step of the way. That spells dysfunctional relationship to me ... but, like I said, I'm old school. I like to keep things simple .... as they should be in my eyes.

 

Whether or not my assertion about dancing being appropriate or not is irrelevant because got so mad for no reason

 

But it is relevant though, isn't it? Because THAT is the reason why she got mad. Can you NOT see that?

 

To answer both your question, I want a discussion because she screamed at me about how she can do what she wants, all because I asked a simple question. That's a very toxic behavior for a relationship. I don't think she should have handled this like that and I would rather have a calm discussion before she does her thing of going silent to sulk and such.

 

But how many times did you ask that "simple" question and how was your implication that there was more to it supposed to make her feel? According to your initial thread, she "kept" saying there was "nothing more to it" which suggests two things. Firstly, you asked her several times to explain herself further and, secondly, it appears that you think there was WAS "more to it". Also according to your initial post, you wanted to have a discussion with her about the night's events. Now you are saying the discussion was about her flying off the handle.

 

I don't know anything about your gf or your relationship but from what I've read, whatever is going wrong in your relationship is not all down to her and the way she is handling things. You aren't handling things very well either ... yet you have refusing point blank to see that.

 

She shuts down whenever I ask a simple question and always talks about what she can do, her actions affect other people though

 

This begs the question ..... why does she always feel the need to "talk about what she can do"? That makes me wonder about your "simple" questions and questioning.

 

When you say her actions affect other people, I assume you are talking about how they affect YOU.

 

If wanting to discuss an issue that came up makes me controlling, I don't know what's normal, this is just laughable.

 

There shouldn't have been an issue in the first place, that's the point. YOU created one. If her actions were questionable then I'd agree with you but seeing as all she did was go out with friends (dancing or no dancing) then she should be able to do so without issue. Now you are trying to get her to justify herself to you ... as if she has done something wrong. Don't you understand how that is going to make her feel? She went out with friends, she doesn't need to be interrogated.

 

Going dancing should not be an issue .... and it does not require a discussion afterwards. You have led this down it's rocky path.

 

Well respect has to do with her reaction, and her reaction is the main point of this thread.

 

And we are telling you WHY she reacted the way she did.

 

Besides, respect is a two-way thing. How about respecting the fact that she was honest with you? How about respecting the fact that she should be able to go dancing with friends without having to discuss the next day how it made YOU feel.

 

I really would like to know what is so inappropriate with dancing because I'm sure your answer will say a lot more about your own insecurity and/or jealousy than it will her actions.

 

She hasn't done anything wrong. If she is getting angry with your method of questioning, then stop questioning her. It's probably tiresome. Personally, I think you have pushed her to breaking point.

[Doc Blaze]

so how long have you been dating this girl?

 

 

and is this the first time confronting her about any time of boundaries?

 

to be honest i probably would of understood if its the old gf, but im starting to see a pattern here.

[RainyCoast]

singe handily in one single post you have stigmatized and discriminated against people with mental illness, great job fulfilling your disrespect quota for the whole year lol

 

you're right, it is insulting to all mental health patients everywhere to imply the views and behaviors you display are characterist of them. i appologize to them from the bottom of my heart.

 

and i also appreciate your decision to shift the discussion to the field of mental health- we all forgot one awesome way to get this calm, rational, respectful discussion done. i would set up a session with a couples' counselor or mediator to help me navigate the discussion with my worked up girlfriend to prevent her flying off the handle again as i try to explain what i am and am not comfortable with in a relationship.

 

with an experienced professional, conveying appropriate boundaries and respect and discriminating autonomy and personal freedom rationally from control and submission would be a piece of cake. not to mention if she went all psycho on me with her annoyance at being questioned repeatedly about dancing, the professional would surely take it upon themself to offer her some psychoeducation regarding healthy boundaries and controlling relationships.

 

also, it would be a good way to get an unbiased assessment on compatibility, and surely a better one than asking wimmin, ena-ers and the entire world- all people who refuse to see the light about control being a far stretch when one is simply trying to impose a healthy boundary.

 

i play in pubs and bars and have been for a while. people dance. rarely seen anyone grind. never seen anyone rub against their family. but if she's doing that, she's truly sick and i'd so dump her.

[katrina1980]

If wanting to discuss an issue that came up makes me controlling, I don't know what's normal, this is just laughable. I do trust her, this has nothing to do with trust all, it has to do with what we both consider to something we are okay with in a relationship. It has nothing to do with leading to cheating or anything of the sorts, it has to do with respect.

 

----

 

**Again it needs to be discussed because of her violent reaction to my question

 

^^This makes no sense as you wanted to discuss her *dancing* before her "violent reaction to your question."

 

And "violent* dude, really? If she was violent, then you walk out of relationship, period end of. No discussion required.

[katrina1980]

singe handily in one single post you have stigmatized and discriminated against people with mental illness, great job fulfilling your disrespect quota for the whole year lol

 

Straw man argument.

 

Doesn't work on most ENAers.

[RainyCoast]

yes, she needs to be brainwashed to understand her dancing is disrespectful and her refusal to be interrogated and controlled is violence. and the world needs to be brainwashed into understanding and accepting it's just what a healthy boundary looks like. sigh. this exceeds the capacity of an online forum to resolve.

[katrina1980]

Okay, there's been a lot of "beating up" on the OP on this thread (myself included) which not sure helps as it only causes defensiveness and a refusal to "listen."

 

OP, if you take away anything from this thread, it's this.

 

Learn to pick your battles. Her dancing with family after dinner is not one of them.

 

Let her "be" who she is. If you don't like a particular behavior, search within to determine if your discomfort is reasonable or because of your own insecurities and anxiety, fears.

 

I have learned that most times, our discomfort with something is due to our own internal forces at play, and has little to do with our gf/bf's behavior.

 

Of course sometimes it is, like if she had gone to another man's apt for a drink or something... and in that case, you re-think the relationship and consider leaving it, NOT attempt to control what she does or doesn't do.

 

Most if not all emotionally healthy people know what "boundaries" are in a relationship, without *discussing" them. I certainly do anyway.

 

If your gf crossed a boundary, such as going to another man's apt, she knows it was wrong. No need to discuss, you show her by your actions that you don't tolerate that ****.

 

Again, dancing with family does not fall into that category. Your discomfort with it is YOUR own insecurity.

 

Best of luck moving forward.

[Blue Spiral]

I've never danced in my life, and I certainly don't have much experience with relationships...but, if I were in a monogamous relationship, I wouldn't want my girlfriend dancing without me, nor would I understand why she'd feel the need to do it. From what I can tell, dancing is basically being sexually suggestive in public. It's used as a sort of precursor to sex and relationships. OP's gf is basically saying, "Hey, I'm gonna put on some really sexy outfit, go out without you, and shake my body around a group of random guys. If you're aren't okay with that, you're crazy and controlling!"

 

Is this a new requirement for relationships? Ostensibly-unavailable women sexually advertise themselves in public, and if the guy isn't okay with it, he's shamed? Yikes.