Girlfriend flies off the handle for asking for me asking to discuss an issue

[Longview01]

I agree wholeheartedly with all of what you said but I would get flamed for saying any of things and that's exactly how I took the I can do whatever I want comment, I took it to mean , she will do what she pleases regardless of how it affects anyone else

 

I doubt that, it prob means stop trying to control me and tell me what to do

[Longview01]

It really bothers me that people are quick to jump on some bandwagon or other or are too quick to find a label for someone's behaviour.

 

It bothers me that this guy stated in his OP that he wanted to discuss her dancing with her and has somewhere made people believe in this thread that she was in the wrong to snap at him after he constantly asked her the same question

[ThatwasThen]

I agree wholeheartedly with all of what you said but I would get flamed for saying any of things and that's exactly how I took the I can do whatever I want comment, I took it to mean , she will do what she pleases regardless of how it affects anyone else

Unfortunately I think that you are right. First comment in started the train rolling.

 

BTW: WAS her parents with her at the bar while she danced? I didn't read every post.

[gianno]

It bothers me that this guy stated in his OP that he wanted to discuss her dancing with her and has somewhere made people believe in this thread that she was in the wrong to snap at him after he constantly asked her the same question

 

I asked her twice and she didn't answer that is all, constantly lol?

[gianno]

Unfortunately I think that you are right. First comment in started the train rolling.

 

BTW: WAS her parents with her at the bar while she danced? I didn't read every post.

I still don't even know that, but people in the thread keep assuming that notion

[katrina1980]

Op: I think you're getting a raw deal here in your thread so I'm going to go against the grain here and advise you that how your girlfriend reacted to your questions would be a red flag to me especially considering that she told you she wanted to spend a quiet dinner with her parents and a movie. Why all of a sudden is she out dancing without you? Were her parents with her at this bar?

 

With the way people "dance" today with all this grinding and feeling up of their dance partner, it's not controlling to ask what kind of dancing and with whom. She advises you that "she can do what she wants" which could very well mean that she didn't have a controlling ex but rather one who just wanted some boundaries in place that SHE wasn't willing to agree to.

 

So it would appear that she's either not taken the time to process a controlling romantic relationship and has baggage that she continues to take out on you for the sins of her ex or: She's not going to be stopped doing things that COULD be crossing romantic relationship boundaries and will do as she pleases... Either of those make her not a good match for you nor do they make you controlling to want to know details.

 

I'll add that it's ludicrous to suggest that ALL relationship boundaries should be discussed prior to becoming a couple as many things come up that neither of you may think to discuss until the situation that needs to be discussed crops up.

 

You may have settled this particular situation but be wary.

 

Interesting take TwT! I always try to keep an open mind so after reading TwT's post, i went back and read gianno's opening post.

 

Girlfriend says she is going to watch a movie then go to dinner with her family, which I'm cool with. Fast forward a little later into the night she texts me saying she was at a bar and she was dancing.

 

So we actually don't know whether or not she was still with family when she went out dancing, all she said was she at a bar and was dancing.

 

So it's possible she went home after dinner with her family, changed to a sexy outfit and went out and that the dancing was inappropriate. Possible.

 

So given that, I concur that perhaps some of us were a bit hard on gianno.

 

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I am willing to suggest he was merely wishing to discuss it to find out more about what actually went down.

 

Maybe next time don't mention beforehand you want to discuss (sounds too intense), just the next time you see her, casually ask her in a non-accusatory way what went down and IF it does turn out she went home after dinner and changed to sexy outfit and WAS out dancing (inappropriately) with various men, then okay to discuss that boundary OR better yet, end it and find a gf who doesn't behave that way, cause as lenient and flexible as I am, even I admit THAT type of behavior would not be cool within the context of a committed RL.

[gianno]

Interesting take TwT! I always try to keep an open mind so after reading TwT's post, i went back and read gianno's opening post.

 

 

 

So we actually don't know whether or not she was still with family when she went out dancing, all she said was she at a bar and was dancing.

 

So it's possible she went home after dinner with her family, changed to a sexy outfit and went out and that the dancing was inappropriate. Possible.

 

So given that, I concur that perhaps some of us were a bit hard on gianno.

 

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I am willing to suggest he was merely wishing to discuss it to find out more about what actually went down.

 

Maybe next time don't mention beforehand you want to discuss (sounds too intense), just the next time you see her, casually ask her in a non-accusatory way what went down and IF it does turn out she went home after dinner and changed to sexy outfit and WAS out dancing (inappropriately) with various men, then okay to discuss that boundary OR better yet, end it and find a gf who doesn't behave that way, cause as lenient and flexible as I am, even I admit THAT type of behavior would not be cool within the context of a committed RL.

 

I'm sorry I don't accept that after so much berating of me in this thread

[Longview01]

Always the victim...

[ThatwasThen]

Time for YOU to be the bigger man, Gianno. When someone admits to having jumped the gun, it's common courtesy to say thank you and if you can't do that then to just thank the post.

[ThatwasThen]

Always the victim...

Well, he was in this thread, anyway.

[Longview01]

Well, he was in this thread, anyway.

 

Don't often disagree with you but I do here

[katrina1980]

I'm sorry I don't accept that after so much berating of me in this thread

 

Wow, sorry you interpret my opinions as "berating." A bit of a stretch IMO but whatevs, you're entitled to your feelings.

 

Just so you know, that wasn't my intention nor is it ever my intention to cause someone to feel I am "berating" them for simply expressing my opinion re a particular behavior or subject matter.

 

But again, if that's how you feel, so be it.

 

I kind of thought we had reached an acceptance to agree to disagree even before my recent post, but apparently I was wrong.

 

Best of luck.

[ThatwasThen]

Don't often disagree with you but I do here

 

I think the first post after the opening post started a train rolling out of control tbh. I read the opening post two times to make sure my take on it wasn't off the rails. OP himself doesn't even yet know if her parents were with her during this "movie and dinner with her family" Seems she was being disingenuous before she even got to dancing and then was over-the-top in her reaction to where he took the conversation.

 

I see no evidence of a controlling person in his Op nor do I see an over-the-top defensive reaction in his responses to some of the assumptions about his character. I always say that romantic boundaries are very important in keeping a union together and content when not with one another. Its a problem when one doesn't agree or won't even consider a compromise. "I'll do what I want" is indicative to a single persons dogma.

 

Only thing I saw that he could of done better was swallow his "concern" and discuss when he was face to face with her. He does trust her but I assume was unsure as to what she considered to be not crossing a romantic boundary.

 

Cheers.

[notalady]

Wow, sorry you interpret my opinions as "berating." A bit of a stretch IMO but whatevs, you're entitled to your feelings.

 

Just so you know, that wasn't my intention nor is it ever my intention to cause someone to feel I am "berating" them for simply expressing my opinion re a particular behavior or subject matter.

 

But again, if that's how you feel, so be it.

 

I kind of thought we had reached an acceptance to agree to disagree even before my recent post, but apparently I was wrong.

 

Best of luck.

 

Some people find the ENA method of delivering advice to be helpful and appreciate the no-bs-directness, others get offended and think they're being ganged up on. It's always going to be that way, to each their own.

[ThatwasThen]

I see no evidence of a controlling person in his Op nor do I see an over-the-top defensive reaction in his responses to some of the assumptions about his character. (sans his non-acceptance to Katrina that is) I always say that romantic boundaries are very important in keeping a union together and content when not with one another. Its a problem when one doesn't agree or won't even consider a compromise. "I'll do what I want" is indicative to a single persons dogma.

 

Only thing I saw that he could of done better was swallow his "concern" and discuss when he was face to face with her. He does trust her but I assume was unsure as to what she considered to be not crossing a romantic boundary.

 

Cheers.

[katrina1980]

Some people find the ENA method of delivering advice to be helpful and appreciate the no-bs-directness, others get offended and think they're being ganged up on. It's always going to be that way, to each their own.

 

I understand that but nevertheless, when someone admits they "may" have been wrong and admits to being a bit hasty in their opinion, it's common courtesy to graciously accept that person's new perspective.... instead of steadfastly remaining stubborn and holding on to negative feelings pertaining to what they perceived as berating, insulting or derogatory.

 

Holding on to such negativity is what causes people to become bitter, cold and distrustful.

 

Anyway, those are OP's feelings to which he is entitled.

 

I am just glad and thankful I was raised to be more open and forgiving about such things.

[katrina1980]

Only thing I saw that he could of done better was swallow his "concern" and discuss when he was face to face with her. He does trust her but I assume was unsure as to what she considered to be not crossing a romantic boundary.

 

 

I suggested the same thing in my "apology" post, different words, same meaning.

 

I think doing that would have served him much better and would have avoided her "violent reaction" (his phrasing).

[Ms Darcy]

Well, having read the thread (wow) I am just going to suggest that the OP has a worldview that is very conservative. (Especially since he agreed with a poster who said that dancing is sexually suggestive). It's not even worth trying to argue that dancing is not. It's like trying to argue politics or religion. Often people's feelings on those subjects are emotional based and not fact based.

 

Any who, I would actually go as far as to say that this is a signal towards incompatibility. Absolutely her reaction was bad and not cool at all. But the underlying cause could be an underlying friction between the way they see and experience the world.

 

As a side note, I am only semi surprised that a couple of sexually liberal (for themselves) men would espouse the very conservative viewpoint that dancing is inherently sexual. Reminds me of some of the "I slept with a lot of women before I married, but I would only date someone who dated and went out much less than me" stuff that pops up around here every once in a while. Interesting.

[Tanzi]

I never read that the OP's gf had gone out dancing with family .... but seeing as everyone kept mentioning it and the OP never challenged it, I assumed I had missed something. For me, it doesn't change anything. I am absolutely gobsmacked that some people are of the opinion that going dancing with friends is inappropriate for a girl/woman because she is in a relationship.

 

Sure, there's some bumping and grinding going on (and a few other things I should imagine) but the vast majority of people are just hanging out with friends, dancing, chatting and generally having a good time. When a girl goes out with a group of friends, especially one who has a bf, it does not necessarily mean she is bumping and grinding with random guys or trying to get the attention of other guys by the way she dresses or dances. It means she wants to have some fun with her friends.

 

I find it sad that in this day and age a girl can't go out with her friends without being judged for doing so .... or that sex has to even be mentioned and brought into it. If the OP 100% trusts his gf (as he said) why should it even be an issue? I thought we had moved on from those times .... evidently not.

 

There are many reasons why girls go out together .... birthdays, hen parties, girly get-togethers. It doesn't have to do have anything to do with sex. Heck, I'm going to a bar (with ***gasp*** dancing) for my Christmas works party (a mixed group too). Thank God I don't have a bf as otherwise I shouldn't really be going. I'm not sure what my friend is going to do though because she doesn't just have a boyfriend .... she has a husband. God forbid should she even think about going dancing!

[ThatwasThen]

Usually agree with you Ms Darcy but have to say it depends on the dynamic of the dancing whether or not it is sexually suggestive. It also depends on the dance itself. Nothing IMO is more sexy. then a good Tango. A lot of salsa is inherently sexually suggestive. I'd argue that strippers epitomize how dance is sexually suggestive. Now, ball room dancing or simple grooving to the music is not. Anyway: We still don't know what kind of dancing she was doing, how she was doing it or with whom or if she was spending the night with her parents as suggested by her to the op.

 

I'm not sure how your analogy applies?

 

Sure, there's some bumping and grinding (or whatever it is) going on (and a few other things I should imagine) but the vast majority of people are just hanging out with friends, dancing, chatting and generally having a good time.

The point is... Op's g/f didn't just relay that that is what was happening. She proclaimed that "she would do what she wanted" Did she think that grinding against another guy's junk was not a boundary cross? Do we know that she wasn't doing that? She got awfully defensive awfully quickly which is a red flag in itself.

[Tanzi]

She proclaimed that "she would do what she wanted"

 

Yes, after he told her that it made HIM feel uncomfortable and asked her to "explain further". As he said "she KEPT saying that there was nothing more to it" ... so we can only assume that he KEPT asking. Then he wanted to discuss it with her the next day. It doesn't need to be discussed and she doesn't need restrictions on her that do not allow her to go out with her friends. I don't think she got defensive awfully quickly, I think she got fed up of his questioning and implications that something more must have gone on.

 

The assumption seems to be that she surely must have been bumping and grinding. Why? If that is what she is like and he can't trust her to behave appropriately when she goes out, then why is he even with her?

 

If he trusts her, then I see no issue with her going out with her friends - wherever that may be.

[katrina1980]

Y

 

The assumption seems to be that she surely must have been bumping and grinding. Why?

 

If that is what she is like and he can't trust her to behave appropriately when she goes out, then why is he even with her?

 

Good point and good question.... but since he apparently DOES NOT trust her to behave appropriately might suggest he hasn't shared with us all info about his gf or their RL.

 

Perhaps she has a history of behaving inappropriately with men, and/or doing things that cause jealousy like Wiseman and journeyman suggested. We just don't know.

 

Only the OP knows.... and if he's not willing to share all info with us, we're at a loss as to determine how it may have went down.

 

He says he does trust her, which begs the question, so WHY then did he insist on discussing it further?

 

Is he just insecure and paranoid as had been suggested earlier?

 

Or does she have a history of behaving inappropriately and therefore he needs to clarify boundaries?

 

So many questions.

 

In his defense I see no harm in wanting to have a casual, non-accusatory convo about it on their next date.

[ThatwasThen]

The assumption IS NOT an assumption. It is a question that I've asked about. None of us, including the OP know how or with whom she was dancing. A "?" means its unknown (not an assumption.)

 

He wanted to talk to her about it and she went off on him saying "I'll do what I want" which is not what people in committed relationships say to those that they want a happy and content and mutually agreed to set of boundaries to keep the relationship on track say to one another.

 

NO where does op say that he doen't trust her to act appropriately. "Appropriately" is subjective. That is why he wanted to discuss boundaries with her. Grinding obviously is okay to some of you while to others it is inappropriate and wrong to be doing when in a relationship.

 

In his defense I see no harm in wanting to have a casual, non-accusatory convo about it on their next date.

Indeed!

[boltnrun]

When was it confirmed that she was grinding on some guy's junk?

[katrina1980]

The assumption IS NOT an assumption. It is a question that I've asked about. None of us, including the OP know how or with whom she was dancing. A "?" means its unknown (not an assumption.)

 

He wanted to talk to her about it and she went off on him saying "I'll do what I want" which is not what people in committed relationships say to those that they want a happy and content and mutually agreed to set of boundaries to keep the relationship on track say to one another.

 

NO where does op say that he doen't trust her to act appropriately. "Appropriately" is subjective. That is why he wanted to discuss boundaries with her. Grinding obviously is okay to some of you while to others it is inappropriate and wrong to be doing when in a relationship.

 

I am soooo torn about this and have mixed feelings (hence my back and forth).

 

When you trust your bf/gf you TRUST that they will behave appropriately, you don't even question it.

 

So even though she was evasive in her response (perhaps his tone was accusatory we weren't there)... he should TRUST that she did nothing wrong, nothing inappropriate and leave it at that.

 

Isn't that what trust is?

 

Or does trust mean that you assume your partner won't do anything inappropriate but need to discuss anyway to be sure, to clarify?

 

As I said in an earlier post, I am very open and flexible and allow my bfs lots of space.

 

I TRUST he will not step over typical boundaries (cheating, etc) even when spending a weekend with his guy friends or even a bachelor party.

 

I have always had faith and trust when he did these things, I never questioned it.

 

Was that wrong, or stupid of me? Should I have interrogated him about it? Or asked to discuss it?

 

I cannot even imagine that quite frankly, RLs are not prison.

 

You either trust that your partner will behave appropriately when not with you, or you don't and if you don't, you leave the RL.

 

Again, I realize I am very back and forth on this, everyone has good points.

 

All that said, if he wants to talk about her night out in a non-accusatory way, I see no harm in that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You have made good points though and I do agree