Girlfriend flies off the handle for asking for me asking to discuss an issue

[gianno]

Nevermind, not worth it.

 

Glad she apologized.

 

Best of luck.

 

I already read your comment before taking it down. I thank you for all of your comments, we can agree to disagree

[abitbroken]

I DO trust her, don't tell me I don't. Trusting her and thinking she wouldn't do anything that would betray my trust, does not mean that I don't think she could do something that is wrong (which wouldn't betray my trust but still would be wrong). I trust my brother for example but I know he has made decisions in the past that I have considered wrong, so your arguments is illusory.

 

You don't trust her. Because if you did, you would always assume she would do nothing untrustworthy until proven otherwise. You don't go questioning her to TRY to catch her doing something. You would behave in a manner that fits someone who trusts their girlfriend.

 

This is what concerns me the most:

 

does not mean that I don't think she could do something that is wrong (which wouldn't betray my trust but still would be wrong)

 

So you trust her, you don't think she'd cheat, but you are intent on classifying things she does as "wrong". Are you a police officer? Why are you intent on the fact that she might have done something "wrong". This is the sign of someone who is 5 years old and is intent on tattling on their sibling or a very controling person. My abusive ex used to point out all the time what was"wrong" or "broken" about me. I held the fork WRONG, I folded the sheet WRONG, I bought something at the store I didn't inform him of which was WRONG. I went to a particular place which was WRONG. There never were any gray areas. It was never that I did things DIFFERENTLY than him and NEITHER WAY was right or wrong. Just because you don't dance, doesn't mean dancing is inherently WRONG.

[gianno]

You don't trust her. Because if you did, you would always assume she would do nothing untrustworthy until proven otherwise. You don't go questioning her to TRY to catch her doing something. You would behave in a manner that fits someone who trusts their girlfriend.

 

This is what concerns me the most:

 

does not mean that I don't think she could do something that is wrong (which wouldn't betray my trust but still would be wrong)

 

So you trust her, you don't think she'd cheat, but you are intent on classifying things she does as "wrong". Are you a police officer? Why are you intent on the fact that she might have done something "wrong". This is the sign of someone who is 5 years old and is intent on tattling on their sibling or a very controling person. My abusive ex used to point out all the time what was"wrong" or "broken" about me. I held the fork WRONG, I folded the sheet WRONG, I bought something at the store I didn't inform him of which was WRONG. I went to a particular place which was WRONG. There never were any gray areas. It was never that I did things DIFFERENTLY than him and NEITHER WAY was right or wrong. Just because you don't dance, doesn't mean dancing is inherently WRONG.

 

Lol I don't comment on the things you are talking about with her. It would be bigger things if I ever said anything like lying etc. Don't compare the way your bf treats you to me, I don't tell her she is wrong

Also, I'm glad you are trying to fit me into a mold of what trust likes to you, this is ridiculous, says I'm controlling but instead tries to control

[katrina1980]

You don't trust her. Because if you did, you would always assume she would do nothing untrustworthy until proven otherwise. You don't go questioning her to TRY to catch her doing something. You would behave in a manner that fits someone who trusts their girlfriend.

 

This is what concerns me the most:

 

does not mean that I don't think she could do something that is wrong (which wouldn't betray my trust but still would be wrong)

 

So you trust her, you don't think she'd cheat, but you are intent on classifying things she does as "wrong". Are you a police officer? Why are you intent on the fact that she might have done something "wrong". This is the sign of someone who is 5 years old and is intent on tattling on their sibling or a very controling person. My abusive ex used to point out all the time what was"wrong" or "broken" about me. I held the fork WRONG, I folded the sheet WRONG, I bought something at the store I didn't inform him of which was WRONG. I went to a particular place which was WRONG. There never were any gray areas. It was never that I did things DIFFERENTLY than him and NEITHER WAY was right or wrong. Just because you don't dance, doesn't mean dancing is inherently WRONG.

 

abitbroken, I am sorry to hear you went through that.

 

I dated a man for a while who found fault with virtually everything I did. We didn't last long (I ended it).

 

I finally said to him "if you find so many things wrong with me, why do you stay with me? The fact you stay with a woman you obviously don't like very much says more about YOU than it does me."

 

He insisted he does like me, love me, whatever but I wasn't buying any of it.

 

I broke up with him anyway.

[Longview01]

Dancing and generally enjoying herself is wrong and now she has said sorry she knows that as well

 

Looking forward to your next thread

[gianno]

abitbroken, I am sorry to hear you went through that.

 

I dated a man for a while who found fault with virtually everything I did. We didn't last long (I ended it).

 

I finally said to him "if you find so many things wrong with me, why do you stay with me? The fact you stay with a woman you obviously don't like very much says more about YOU than it does me."

 

I said this right before I broke up with him.

 

That was a very damaging thing to say but I guess an eye for eye for you two

[gianno]

Dancing and generally enjoying herself is wrong and now she has said sorry she knows that as well

 

Looking forward to your next thread

 

No more threads, and you can pin it whatever way you like say that is enjoying herself or whatever you want to call it.

[katrina1980]

That was a very damaging thing to say but I guess an eye for eye for you two

 

Yes him finding fault with everything I did had the potential to be very damaging to me (my psyche). But I didn't allow it to damage me, I had control over that.

 

As for my asking him why he stays in a RL with a woman he obviously doesn't like very much (which was a legit question otherwise he wouldn't find fault with everything I did, including some of the things abitbroken mentioned as well as choosing the "wrong" color bedspread for MY bed which he pitched a fit over).... stupid stuff like that.

 

Do you think finding fault with everything I did and accusing me of doing virtually everything "wrong" meant he liked me, loved me? If so, please explain.

 

No it wasn't an "eye for an eye" it was me realizing that there was no pleasing a man like this, that he had the potential to become emotional abusive (if not already because finding fault with everything a woman does IS a form of emotional abuse), and that I deserved better so I left.

 

I truly hope you can understand this gianno.

[gianno]

Yes him finding fault with everything I did had the potential to be very damaging to me (my psyche). But I didn't allow it to damage me, I had control over that.

 

As for my asking him why he stays in a RL with a woman he obviously doesn't like very much (which was a legit question otherwise he wouldn't find fault with everything I did, including some of the things abitbroken mentioned as well as choosing the "wrong" color bedspread for MY bed which he pitched a fit over).... stupid stuff like that.

 

Do you think finding fault with everything I did and accusing me of doing virtually everything "wrong" meant he liked me, loved me? If so, please explain.

 

No it wasn't an "eye for an eye" it was me realizing that there was no pleasing a man like this, that he had the potential to become emotional abusive (if not already because finding fault with everything a woman does IS a form of emotional abuse), and that I deserved better so I left.

 

I truly hope you can understand this gianno.

I do understand that kind of a relationship is emotionally abusive, I agree. I was merely point out that your statement to him had deeper meanings and can be classified as abuse as well

[katrina1980]

I do understand that kind of a relationship is emotionally abusive, I agree. I was merely point out that your statement to him had deeper meanings and can be classified as abuse as well

 

What would you have suggested I do? How "should" I have ended it?

 

I think I was well within my right to suggest to him that by staying with me, a woman he apparently didn't like very much, DOES say more about HIM than it does ME.

 

It wasn't emotional abuse at all, it was the TRUTH.

 

But we can agree to disagree.

[gianno]

What would you have suggested I do? How "should" I have ended it?

 

I think I was well within my right to suggest to him that by staying with me, a woman he apparently didn't like very much, DOES say more about HIM than it does ME.

 

It wasn't emotional abuse at all, it was the TRUTH.

 

But we can agree to disagree.

 

Oh so it isn't emotional abuse or abuse at all if it is the TRUTH as you put it. I would have suggested you tell him that it wasn't working and you should part that's all, you aren't compatible

[Wiseman2]

Why does she feel the need to send nonsense texts like this or even discuss this idiotic topic? Who cares that she's out with her family dancing, whatever?

 

Tell her to refrain from this silly "ha look I'm trying to make you jealous or make a point" type texts. They are immature and clearly a trap, ignore them and just say "have a good time, talk to you tomorrow" then don't answer any more texts.

later into the night she texts me saying she was at a bar and she was dancing. she kept saying she danced there is nothing more to it.

[gianno]

Why does she feel the need to send nonsense texts like this or even discuss this idiotic topic? Who cares that she's out with her family dancing, whatever?

 

Tell her to refrain from this silly "ha look I'm trying to make you jealous or make a point" type texts. They are immature and clearly a trap, ignore them and just say "have a good time, talk to you tomorrow" then don't answer any more texts.

 

I totally understand what you are saying but she likes an explicit goodnight text and all of that and to talk at the end of the night

[journeynow]

I totally understand what you are saying but she likes an explicit goodnight text and all of that and to talk at the end of the night

 

Wiseman made the same point I did. Do you see how her text is not talking "with" you, though? She didn't want your input, because when you indicated you had some she got angry. I'm glad you guys talked.

[katrina1980]

Oh so it isn't emotional abuse or abuse at all if it is the TRUTH as you put it. I would have suggested you tell him that it wasn't working and you should part that's all, you aren't compatible

 

Very true, but I legit wanted to know why he chose to stay with me, given how he found fault with everything I did.

 

That is why I asked him.

 

He denied it and attempted to sweet talk his way out by claiming he loved me, which as I said I wasn't buying.

 

It could have turned out differently had he owned up to finding fault with everything I did and realizing THAT was wrong and unfair and apologized.

 

But he didn't.

 

So I broke up with him and wanted him to know why.

 

I think THAT is fair, not shuffling it all under the rug and playing "nice" by simply telling him it's not working out and we're incompatible.

 

He had a right to know WHY I felt that way so I told him.

 

I think I did him a huge favor as he sent me an email TWO YEARS later apologizing for all of it. Even wanted to see me again, but by then I was over it and in a new RL.

 

gianno, I guess you and I just view RLs differently, and how we act within the boundaries of that RL.

 

Which is OKAY too.

 

Again I am glad she apologized.... and wish you the best moving forward.

[Tanzi]

I do understand that kind of a relationship is emotionally abusive, I agree. I was merely point out that your statement to him had deeper meanings and can be classified as abuse as well

 

Oh good grief! You could say that with almost any argument then. We need to reign in what we class as emotional abuse. There are people out there who have suffered emotional abuse to the extreme and would find your comment equally as offensive as you seemed to have found RainyCoasts comment relating to the mentally ill. I see nothing even remotely abusive about katrina's comments (or even RainyCoasts comment for that matter). You very much seem to like to twist things out of perspective making issues of things that aren't really issues.

[Longview01]

Oh good grief! You could say that with almost any argument then. We need to reign in what we class as emotional abuse. There are people out there who have suffered emotional abuse to the extreme and would find your comment equally as offensive as you seemed to have found RainyCoasts comment relating to the mentally ill. I see nothing even remotely abusive about katrina's comments (or even RainyCoasts comment for that matter). You much seem to like to twist things out of perspective making issues of things that aren't really issues.

 

You noticed that too huh?

[RainyCoast]

to reiterate, my comment wasn't about the mentally ill. it was about him. if it may have been interpreted as me ascribing his behaviors to mental health patients, it wasn't the intent and i didn't want to imply there was correlation. i was implying that declaring oneself fit and justified in telling people they are not free to do this or that because it isn't to one's liking is often in the behavioral repertoire of the incarcerated.

 

the trend to control the behavior of everyone so as to fit his very peculiar ideas of "right" is the concern. it isn't a matter of disease, imo. the insistence that persons who defended themselves against controlling behavior were being abusive in their resistance to being subordinated isn't a health issue.

[Tanzi]

to reiterate, my comment wasn't about the mentally ill. it was about him.

 

Yes, I realise that. I'm sorry. I was directing my comment to the OP and how he saw your comment but I didn't word it very well.

[katrina1980]

to reiterate, my comment wasn't about the mentally ill. it was about him. if it may have been interpreted as me ascribing his behaviors to mental health patients, it wasn't the intent and i didn't want to imply there was correlation. i was implying that declaring oneself fit and justified in telling people they are not free to do this or that because it isn't to one's liking is often in the behavioral repertoire of the incarcerated.

 

 

the woman dances. you have a problem with dancing. dump her for christ's sake. if you go around publicly explaining how you have the right to tell someone they're not allowed to dance you'll be escorted to an institution.

 

RainyCoast, I "got" your comment as I presume most others did as well. I interpreted it as a sort of "tongue n cheek" not to be taken LITERALLY.

 

For someone to suggest it was offensive to the mentally ill as a whole, is a bit of a stretch IMHO.

 

Doing so was an attempt to flip the script; a strawman argument.

 

Again, jmo.

[gianno]

Not going to go over the mentally ill comment again because it was extremely hurtful to not only me but other suffering mental illness. And as for other topics in this thread, we solved the problem between the two of us, this thread has been turned into debating about me which should not be an intent of these forums. Thank you all for your comments and help

[ThatwasThen]

Op: I think you're getting a raw deal here in your thread so I'm going to go against the grain here and advise you that how your girlfriend reacted to your questions would be a red flag to me especially considering that she told you she wanted to spend a quiet dinner with her parents and a movie. Why all of a sudden is she out dancing without you? Were her parents with her at this bar?

 

With the way people "dance" today with all this grinding and feeling up of their dance partner, it's not controlling to ask what kind of dancing and with whom. She advises you that "she can do what she wants" which could very well mean that she didn't have a controlling ex but rather one who just wanted some boundaries in place that SHE wasn't willing to agree to.

 

So it would appear that she's either not taken the time to process a controlling romantic relationship and has baggage that she continues to take out on you for the sins of her ex or: She's not going to be stopped doing things that COULD be crossing romantic relationship boundaries and will do as she pleases... Either of those make her not a good match for you nor do they make you controlling to want to know details.

 

I'll add that it's ludicrous to suggest that ALL relationship boundaries should be discussed prior to becoming a couple as many things come up that neither of you may think to discuss until the situation that needs to be discussed crops up.

 

You may have settled this particular situation but be wary.

[RainyCoast]

i understood you guys. i wanted to clarify the tendency isn't one i associate with mental health patients and i didn't want him to deflect the problem to the mentally ill. the issue isn't theirs to own, though OP persistantly makes it everybody's responsibility but his own.

[gianno]

Op: I think you're getting a raw deal here in your thread so I'm going to go against the grain here and advise you that how your girlfriend reacted to your questions would be a red flag to me especially considering that she told you she wanted to spend a quiet dinner with her parents and a movie. Why all of a sudden is she out dancing without you? Were her parents with her at this bar?

 

With the way people "dance" today with all this grinding and feeling up of their dance partner, it's not controlling to ask what kind of dancing and with whom. She advises you that "she can do what she wants" which could very well mean that she didn't have a controlling ex but rather one who just wanted some boundaries in place that SHE wasn't willing to agree to.

 

So it would appear that she's either not taken the time to process a controlling romantic relationship and has baggage that she continues to take out on you for the sins of her ex or: She's not going to be stopped doing things that COULD be crossing romantic relationship boundaries and will do as she pleases... Either of those make her not a good match for you nor do they make you controlling to want to know details.

 

I'll add that it's ludicrous to suggest that ALL relationship boundaries should be discussed prior to becoming a couple as many things come up that neither of you may think to discuss until the situation that needs to be discussed crops up.

 

You may have settled this particular situation but be wary.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with all of what you said but I would get flamed for saying any of things and that's exactly how I took the I can do whatever I want comment, I took it to mean , she will do what she pleases regardless of how it affects anyone else

[Tanzi]

You noticed that too huh?

 

It really bothers me that people are quick to jump on some bandwagon or other or are too quick to find a label for someone's behaviour.