Girlfriend flies off the handle for asking for me asking to discuss an issue

[katrina1980]

Well respect has to do with her reaction, and her reaction is the main point of this thread. Anyways I wanted to tell her how it made me feel uncomfortable and through talking about it we could come to some sort of conclusion on this topic. I don't feel it is appropriate while in a relationship but she obviously has a different view, I was thinking we could talk and come up with something explaining both sides in a calm manner not an aggressive yelling one

 

Again her reaction was because this is most likely NOT the first time you have reacted that way.

 

Shyt like this builds up inside until the person just snaps. You DO understand this right?

 

You sound insecure, which is why you feel uncomfortable and threatened with her being out in the first place.

 

A secure person would not care if their gf/bf was out with friends dancing, it's what you do when at a club where there is a cool band playing ...it's normal.

 

Next time just say "cool, glad you had a good time" and leave it at that.

 

Learn to pick your battles. You'll have a much more harmonious relationship and happier gf if you do.

[gianno]

i like his "no contract" contract. issues about boundaries are dicussed as they pop up. like today i'll decide something you're doing is off limits. like, woman, you went DANCING.

 

Okay so you wanted to achieve something through a calm discussion, understood. but WHAT exactly did you hope to achieve in regards to her....dancing?

 

With regards to dancing I wanted to discuss both our views on it on whether it is appropriate or not and again reach some type of conclusion, I wanted to hear her view and if she responded in a calm manner saying that she thinks it is fine and explains her view then I would be cool. I just want to have the right to be able to bring up issues instead of being screamed at and yelled obscenities.

[rosephase]

Well respect has to do with her reaction, and her reaction is the main point of this thread. Anyways I wanted to tell her how it made me feel uncomfortable and through talking about it we could come to some sort of conclusion on this topic. I don't feel it is appropriate while in a relationship but she obviously has a different view, I was thinking we could talk and come up with something explaining both sides in a calm manner not an aggressive yelling one

 

One way I have heard controlling described in a relationship is "the desire to show somebody the errors they don’t see in themselves."

 

And yeah... if you think dancing at a bar is outside of "respect" in a relationship you shouldn't be dating this woman who is still recovering from a controlling relationship. She freaked out because you were actively trying to control her. She is scared of that. Being controlled in a relationship feels terrible. She needs more space, more freedom and more autonomy than you can give her. She needs to heal. You need to find someone who is comfortable restricting their life to your idea of it. Or better yet? get some help. Controlling what you partner can and can't do will never make you safe.

[RainyCoast]

well gianno...i looked up your threads and i noticed you're upset when this is brought up but...telling a person dancing isn't appropriate in a relationship in your opinion will make most of them feel controlled. i wonder where else she has felt you were controlling because i think Katrina is right, she must've yelled because it had been building up. unless she has a serious temper issue, in which case, get out.

[katrina1980]

With regards to dancing I wanted to discuss both our views on it on whether it is appropriate or not and again reach some type of conclusion, I wanted to hear her view and if she responded in a calm manner saying that she thinks it is fine and explains her view then I would be cool. I just want to have the right to be able to bring up issues instead of being screamed at and yelled obscenities.

 

Well I agree she should not have screamed obscenities...she was wrong in that regard.

 

She may be at her breaking point though.... feels suffocated, stifled and wants out.

 

I mean not to make fun, but if you have an issue with her going out with friends or in this case, family, and dancing to some cool music....you're gonna have a difficult time holding any woman.

 

If you feel insecure or threatened by something as innocent as that, look within or seek professional help.

 

Best of luck.

[rosephase]

Or as a different stranger on the internet said much better:

 

"this behavior pattern doesn't usually come from a place of wanting to hurt people, or even really control them, it usually comes from a place of trying to avoid being hurt. The problem is that when you make that the top priority you are allowing yourself space to do a lot of things without regard for how they might effect the offer person in the name of keeping yourself emotionally safe.

 

The problem is that you can't have an authentic, meaningful relationship with another person without risking them making choices that hurt you, so the goal is to control choices to be sure that they don't make ones that would hurt you.

 

And that seems really minor, just self-preservation, but the effects are not. Patricia Evans wrote a very good book explaining how that results in very bad things.

 

I understand there is almost no change you will be ready to see that deciding things for people you love harms them, but it does and I hope that in laying out the mechanisms a little you can start to explore the idea and maybe find some help to get to a place where you can have relationships where you don't try to control your partner's choices."

[journeynow]

Girlfriend says she is going to watch a movie then go to dinner with her family, which I'm cool with. Fast forward a little later into the night she texts me saying she was at a bar and she was dancing.

 

I find it odd from the start. Why does she check in with updates of where she is and what she is doing?

[gianno]

I find it odd from the start. Why does she check in with updates of where she is and what she is doing?

 

She just does that, I don't ask for it. She just constantly texts me and complains I don't text her enough. She likes to tell me stuff. Doesn't seem weird to me except she likes to talk to me, are you going to try to spin that around now as well

[katrina1980]

She just does that, I don't ask for it. She just constantly texts me and complains I don't text her enough. She likes to tell me stuff

 

Well that's cool, she probably never in a million years expected you to take issue with it, wanting to "discuss" it.

 

If you guys stay together, she's learned her lesson.

 

Never text my bf telling him what I am doing...he may be "uncomfortable" and take issue with it.

 

Better yet, perhaps she will think she should stop texting at all and break up with you.

 

As previous poster said, you've got certain restrictions she's not comfortable meeting.

 

It's essentially a compatibility issue.

 

Haven't read your previous threads, but if her ex was controlling, this may be why.

[RainyCoast]

gianno, how long have you been together? is this the same girl?

[gianno]

gianno, how long have you been together? is this the same girl?

 

not the same one

[journeynow]

Doesn't seem weird to me except she likes to talk to me, are you going to try to spin that around now as well

 

What do you mean by me spinning "that around now as well"? I wasn't attacking you.

[gianno]

What do you mean by me spinning "that around now as well"? I wasn't attacking you.

 

let's not kid ourselves, not saying you were attacking me but that checking up and monitoring comment seemed weird because it proved in your mind that this stuff might have happened before which it hasn't. Again trying to show signs of me being controlling which are not to be found

[RainyCoast]

your posts have noticeable trends through time. first you were very hurt and depressed with serious concerns, then unloved by a girlfirend, then the posts about how it "isn't control, it's setting boundaries" started. i'm trying to wrap my head around how the boundaries trend came about. as a reaction to the previous girl's negligence- a way of securing the next girl is yours for real- or whether this current one pushed the boundaries somehow...? you mentioned you wouldn't be comfortable with a girl getting too close to a guy friend a couple of times. i'm wondering whether one of them had a friendship that made you feel like you were competing....

 

i really think you need to understand yourself. it won't work making up rules about what a girl can or can't do if in an effort to secure a connection you try to eliminate all her activities that you perceive as chances for her to get closer to someone else.

[katrina1980]

let's not kid ourselves, not saying you were attacking me but that checking up and monitoring comment seemed weird because it proved in your mind that this stuff might have happened before which it hasn't. Again trying to show signs of me being controlling which are not to be found

 

Well something set her off, people don't usually just fly off the handle screaming obscenities because of one incident.

 

Unless that one incident was severe enough to warrant such outburst.

 

Personally I don't think it was, but I am not her and just out of a controlling relationship.

 

When/if you talk, discuss that and ask her why she reacted that way.

 

Keep an open mind and try seeing things from her perspective.

 

Encourage her to do the same re your perspective.

 

IMO that is actually more important than the dancing issue.

[Seraphim]

let's not kid ourselves, not saying you were attacking me but that checking up and monitoring comment seemed weird because it proved in your mind that this stuff might have happened before which it hasn't. Again trying to show signs of me being controlling which are not to be found

 

People often check other threads to see if there is more to a story than is stated in the present thread.

[journeynow]

let's not kid ourselves, not saying you were attacking me but that checking up and monitoring comment seemed weird because it proved in your mind that this stuff might have happened before which it hasn't. Again trying to show signs of me being controlling which are not to be found

 

Stop it. I did not say that at all, nor did I think it.

 

My take is quite the opposite. TO ME, it seems insecure of her, or perhaps even a way of her "showing you" of the things she is doing without you. (Look at me, I'm drinking and dancing and you're not here.) Maybe that's not it at all, but it doesn't sound like she's texting to talk TO you, she's texting to tell you what she's doing and where, and that is like a check in ON HER part, as if she feels a need for it. It seems childish to me. I am not implying that it is because of you. She's choosing to do it. All that said, I am a different generation, and don't think texting is always the best way to communicate anything meaningful.

[boltnrun]

Definitely a trend with you wanting to discuss "boundaries" (as opposed to "control") and how women want "autonomy".

 

Yes, grown women expect their God-given right to have "autonomy" to be respected.

 

I get that you feel differently, but if she doesn't, that doesn't mean she's wrong. It just means you have different points of view.

 

Can you remain in a relationship with a woman who doesn't think dancing is disrespecting her relationship?

[journeynow]

how women want "autonomy".

 

My point about her checking in with what-and-where-she-is seems to me that she is not acting with autonomy. So she's giving mixed signals about that independence if he wants to talk about it and she flies off the handle. I don't know her age, maybe it's been mentioned and I've missed it….

[Capricorn3]

she texts me saying she was at a bar and she was dancing. The dancing part made me a little uncomfortable so I asked her to explain further, but she kept saying she danced there is nothing more to it. So then I said okay I want to discuss this tomorrow or when you come home and she went crazy basically saying she can do what she wants, she can live her life etc. Which all I wanted to do was discuss this and how this made me uncomfortable but she goes totally off course saying she can't be with someone so restrictive that thinks dancing at a bar is wrong..

First of all, I say kudos to her for "reporting" to you in the first place, telling you where she is and what she is doing. She didn't have to do that.

 

Secondly, I don't see her "screaming" at you. She explained. YOU, on the other hand, kept on and on about wanting to "discuss this". There was nothing to discuss. She is right about you being restrictive (in other words, yes, controlling). You are the one with the issues.

 

Don't be too surprised when she walks out. It will eventually happen.

[journeynow]

People often check other threads to see if there is more to a story than is stated in the present thread.

 

oh….I haven't checked his other threads…. maybe I should...

[RainyCoast]

i suspected she was doing it to pacify him. in the sense that she knows he is insecure as he has admitted and she checks in to reassure him.

 

she went crazy basically saying she can do what she wants, she can live her life.saying she can't be with someone so restrictive

she wasn't saying this in response to a single comment. and he has repeatedly made these statements about the problem with how both women and ena-ers perceive autonomy and control. it's starting to sound like wanting the world to swap the definition of control for "respect" and "boundaries", so that he can stop hearing how controlling he is when he is behaving...controlling.

[gianno]

this thread has been severely derailed . She isn't doing anything to pacify me lol, she texts me because she wants to. I did and do not get her to report anything to me or ask questions regarding what happened in her day, basically never. All the assumptions are falling through

[gianno]

She yelled at me, at least as loud as a screeching tire, I think that can classify as screaming. Second of all read post, I never get her to report to me lol. Thirdly, the wanting of a discussion does not equal me wanting to control her actions

[Seraphim]

You think dancing is disrespectful. She doesn't . Are you going to change your stance? Or will she?