The nest empties

[avman]

Well I haven't posted a thread in a long time here as I've been so busy with life in general. Today I took my younger son off to live at college. In another day or so my oldest will move out also to school after having commuted the past three years. So we'll be left with just one high schooler in the house.

 

This is such a great thing for the boys. My oldest has autism and has struggled his whole life with how to function independently. Him moving into a dorm is a huge step and it's a great opportunity to stretch his wings. My younger son can't wait to study marine biology. The summer has been difficult for him as he has been so bored and desperately wanting to be independent and get on with his life. He will do great things in his life. He is kind, gentle, wise, and funny. I am so proud of him and I can't wait to see all the things he will end up doing with his life.

 

So I don't know why I am mourning this so terribly right now. I've been a wreck since I left him there even though I know he will be totally fine. I feel selfish and lousy inside for missing him so much. Knowing I wont see him come down tomorrow morning and say hi to me. Or hear him say he loves me. Or get him something he needs. And then in two days I have to do this all over again.

 

I feel like I've forgotten to do something. Have I done all I can for him? Does he have everything he needs? Will my oldest be ok with his autism? I've been trying so hard to be a dad for so long I am not even sure what else I'm good at anymore!

 

I just hate going through this even though it's probably completely normal and part of the process.

[Fudgie]

My father told me that after I left for college, he had dreams for weeks. He dreamt that he was a college student at my college, yes, even at his age and being my dad, and he would come up to me and say "Hey! How are you! Let's get lunch and catch up!" and I'd be like "No, dad, gross! I have other things I want to do!" and he felt dejected and he'd wake up.

 

I think it's totally normal to mourn. It's a really big change. It's not a reflection of what you want for them or you wanting to mollycoddle them. It's sad for you because you'll get to see them around less and they are getting to the age where they are making their own lives and moving out on their own and you're not the "center" of that anymore. You're not needed as much and that's kind of sad and it's okay to be sad. Going away to college is HUGE for that.

 

You are not a bad person nor are you selfish for missing him. You're a dad. You love him and you care for him. You're always going to want him around. I'm 26 and my parents always sigh and go "oh, you have to go??" when I leave after visiting them/staying the night, even if I have work soon, they don't want me to leave. I know they would probably love it if I called in and stayed longer but they don't ask me to do that even though deep down, they'd like it. They just want me around a lot. It's not because they are selfish, it's because they love me a lot. You're supportive and you're letting your boys go into the real world despite missing them and THAT'S what counts.

[Batya33]

Oh I wish you the best and the best in being easy on yourself too. Tomorrow is "college colors" day at my son's school. He is 7 and his only college shirt from either of us is ripped on the bottom from when he met one of his French cousins over the summer and their made up game somehow involved shirts getting shredded lol. I cannot imagine sending him off to college where he will have to de-shred his own shirts! I hope your nest gets filled with their laughter and energy again soon and I also hope in the meantime you find ways to spread your wings in a new way if that's your desire. You done good.

[Seraphim]

It is very very normal to miss them . It would be utterly unusual if you didn't . Congrats to both your sons. Just remember you are not selfish . You raised 2 fine boys.

[Wiseman2]

It's bittersweet to raise them so well to go out on their own and then bring them to the edge of the nest to watch them fly away. They will still need lots of dad around.

I've been a wreck since I left him there even though I know he will be totally fine. I feel selfish and lousy inside for missing him so much. Knowing I wont see him come down tomorrow morning and say hi to me. Or hear him say he loves me. Or get him something he needs

]

[greywolf]

Avman, it sounds like you've raised some very fine men. You must be proud.

 

And I'm sure that feeling that way must be normal. My sister is living with my husband and me right now, and I'm honestly dreading the day she moves out because I'm going to miss her. And that's just my sister, so I think it must be much worse if it's your child.

 

I think it'll be hard at first, but I'm sure you'll find "yourself" again. Now you might have more time things that you always wanted to do. Any hobbies that you've been wanting to pick up?

[Cheetarah]

Awww, avman. I'm having a hard time with my son going to his second year of pre-k, never mind college! I'm sending you big hugs. You've always been a great, calm voice of reason here, especially when I was going through all my own issues. It's our turn to give it back.

 

You should miss them! And you're not getting 'hit' just once, but twice...basically at the same time. If you didn't miss them and yearn for all those things, and worry - I'd wonder about you.

 

You'll still hear him say he loves you. You'll still get him things he needs. Like what college student doesn't live for care packages? It'll just be different. It'll be Skype, FaceTime, phone, holiday breaks. My aunt and uncle were lost when my cousin went to college. He's graduating this year and my aunt told me after he left this summer, that she kind of likes having her house back and there's not 50 pairs of dirty boxers strewn around the house and empty bottles of axe body spray all over.

[melancholy123]

What you are feeling is totally normal. My daughter took off at 17, she was the teen who knew it all and we, her parents, knew nada. A difficult girl to parent, in some ways it was a bit of a relief, but overall it was terrifying as she didnt know half of what she thought she did. She turned out fine in the end, but boy it was scary.

 

Our son stayed home til he went off to college and honestly altho a good kid, I needed that ME time that I'd lost over 20 yrs before. We took him to his dorm and I managed to not cry, and part of me wanted to celebrate being an empty nester, finally. He came back after college for a year or so, then signed up for college again. This time, surprising to me, I had an awful time dropping him off at his new apt! I knew he would not be back to live with us. Once you get that first apt., things change. I expected to have a tough time the first time he left, but really it was the second time that had my crying!

 

You get used to the changes, you adapt, and you know that the kids are doing what they are supposed to do - growing up, moving out and moving on. Be glad for the good kids you raised! You dont lose them, they are still there, just the dynamic changes.

[mines]

Avman. . . I just took my youngest daughter, the baby, to the West Coast last weekend (I live in the midwest). It was the hardest thing I ever did, leaving her there. She's smart, strong, athletic, articulate and has very strong moral values and principles. I think I raised her right. (and some luck is mixed in there. . . . ) She's 18, but I remember the day she was born, like it was yesterday. It went by in a blink. I miss not being able to make coffee for her in the morning, or make her dinner, or just get a hug.

 

But she is happy. She loves the West Coast, loves her roommates, and is excited not to suffer through sub-zero temps for 5 months

 

You did a great job, you did your best. Your kids know you love them. They'll do fine. And somehow, us parents, we'll get through it. We have to stick together!

 

((major hugs))

[avman]

Thanks everyone. I didn't expect this to hit me so hard. He's been pulling away all summer so I know this is exactly what he needs to do.

 

I want nothing but the best for them. I'm just shocked at the change I guess.

[Capricorn3]

This made me cry. I miss my kids. I feel for you avman, it's really hard but know that you have done an awesome job. They know this and still need their dad (even though they pretend they don't, lol). It gets easier over time.

[sophie274]

You've raised great children avman (I know this because I know you). I hope you're very proud ... And I hope they both know to call home often to tell you about the fun they are having (and the learning they are doing too) and to tell you how much they love you. Hugs.

[avman]

This made me cry. I miss my kids. I feel for you avman, it's really hard but know that you have done an awesome job. They know this and still need their dad (even though they pretend they don't, lol). It gets easier over time.

 

Aw Capricorn I'm sorry. Preparing to send off my oldest tomorrow so its been very hard to heal and adjust. Even my daughter who is in full blown teenage "I hate the world and everyone in it" has actually shed a few tears today. She's seeing how the quiet the house is becoming.

 

I can't wait to hear from them and see how they are doing. I've already started a care package for my younger son as I'm finding things he's left behind and will clearly need out there.

 

sigh

[avman]

You've raised great children avman (I know this because I know you). I hope you're very proud ... And I hope they both know to call home often to tell you about the fun they are having (and the learning they are doing too) and to tell you how much they love you. Hugs.

 

Aw thanks Sophie. I'm trying to be strong for these guys but these last two days have really done me in.

[reinventmyself]

I can so relate. I naively thought then when the boys got older and they weren't around much, it was preparing me for their absence.

After all, I may pass them in the hallway 3 or 4 times a week. So I thought it would be an easy transition. So I thought.

 

When they are totally gone, dirty socks and all the absence is profound. Nothing prepared me for that and it gutted me.

 

My oldest has since moved home twice. (and is currently with me now)

 

When he moved out the last time I cried all the way home from work knowing I would come home to an empty house. It took me weeks to get over it.

A year later he asked to move home again and as much as I love him more than life itself, I was excited at the idea of having him back, but honestly freaked out about having to say goodbye again, a third time. I don't know how many times a mom can continue to do this!

 

At least this time his job has him gone and he's mostly at his girlfriends. What he doesn't realize is that I often avoid him at times in an attempt to not get too attached because I know the day is coming once again that he's going to give me the news that he's leaving the nest again.

 

I think I will then sell my place and buy a one bedroom just so they can't move home anymore!

Kidding of course.

 

You've done a great job!

There is some irony in parenting.

That we brought these little people into the world and our job is to teach them to want to get away from us

Hang in there.

[avman]

Now that a month has gone by things have settled in a bit here. My sons call me regularly. The youngest just got invited to participate in research (pretty amazing for a freshman) and has been accepted into their Marine Science program. So he'll be going down to the schools marine research facility in Mississippi over the summer. I finally get to go visit him next weekend for family days. Long as I'm healed up enough from this surgery I can go - so it's highly motivating to will my body to heal faster!

 

My oldest comes back weekly since he has a job nearby. So I see him often and we get to catch up. I'm slowly figuring out this new routine. It's really been an adjustment for me.

 

Thanks everyone for their support.

[Capricorn3]

Good to hear it's going well so far.

[luminousone]

Just catching this a month later. Glad you are settling in to a new phase of your life. One thing that you might not have considered is when both boys left, you might be mourning the loss of male companionship in your house. My dad cried on the back steps the day my youngest brother went to college. He still had 3 daughters at home, but he knew it would be different. And it was, but he got through it (years later he is 98!)

 

My oldest son, 21, has Aspergers. He has moved home each summer for the past 3 years for a month or two. While it is wonderful to touch base with him, I have come to be relieved when he moves back out simply because of all of his stuff invading my small house.

 

It is also awkward for him when friends come over to visit or to pick him up. (Who wants their mom answering the door at thst age). On the other hand, it is nice for me to meet his friends, as it gives me a window into his life beyond his family. (Although he has one "ditzy" girl friend that thought I would be interested in knowing how high she got with her legal pot the other night. My son assured me she is only a friend. Thank goodness. Yes, she is 21, and yes, pot is legal here in Oregon. But no, I really was not interested in hearing that).

 

You'll get used to a new reality. As our children enter new planes of development in their lives, it will change yet again.

 

It is good to keep touch with your boys on a regular basis. My oldest son typically texts me around midnight. Random things sometimes, but I think it is simply a way to connect with me, so I go with it.

 

Treasure the times you find them all home together on a visit. I love to hear my boys banter while catching up when they both happen to be home at the same time.

 

Now is the time to begin to focus on you, to rediscover yourself. As well, if you are married, then focus on your relationship. Enjoy your time with your daughter (although if she is like my 16 year old son, then she is off and about in her own social life).

 

The care package sounds like a great idea for your sons. Prepare one regularly for each of your sons packed with junk food they will love. I remember how exciting it was to have a pink slip in my campus box telling me I had a package!

[WithLove]

Perhaps they can send you some long emails. That's what I do with my mom. We email every day and it's really nice to know she's only an email away if I need her... And sometimes it's easier to talk about deeper things that way, too.

[Seraphim]

I am glad you are all settling into your new lives.