I'm receiving the "Silent Treatment" - Now what?

[Hermes]

Yes Krankor.

 

You two are supposed to be in a relationship; he can't just fall of the face of the Earth indefinitely every time something bothers him. That's too painful for the other person.

 

But there are (and quite a few) who do go into punitive mode any time something "bothers" them.

 

A woman I know (a distant relation in fact) and I may have mentioned her plight before, had a husband who used this tactic all the time. One evening she was just washing out a few items of cutlery in the kitchen, and as we know cutler can jingle and tinkle as we dry it. Question of minutes. He went off the wall, and when she just mildly said: "I'm finished now with the washing up", he stormed up the stairs and did not speak to her for two days. Of course he was half crazy as was suspected and confirmed later on.....

 

I know what I am talking about here, and it isn't the ordinary contemplative silence either.

[reinventmyself]

I think people get a little caught up in taking offense at what I'm saying to actually see what I'm saying. Krankor's bottom paragraph is scary close to something I was thinking about posting so I'm not sure that's really the "gotcha" your post would seem to imply.

 

Not to belabor it but your original scenario made her out to be unreasonable, demanding a response in a little over an hour.

Now your response is different.

Sarcasm maybe?

[happpybear]

TMi, I didn't find your post offensive, but it most certainly wasn't what I would consider helpful either

[happpybear]

@hermes, yes I notice it too, some posters on here write fairly antagonistic things and then plead innocence...it's really annoying and distractes from the issues at hand

[Hermes]

I know Happy Bear. I agree.

 

I am a straightforward person. Don't go the PA route with me. Come out and say what you have to say. That is when discussion is possible.

[TMifune]

I know Happy Bear. I agree.

 

I am a straightforward person. Don't go the PA route with me. Come out and say what you have to say. That is when discussion is possible.

 

Hermes,

 

I've reread every post that I made in this thread. The only thing I can see that someone might have taken issue with along gender lines was my complaint about the term "man-up". I'll be pretty straightforward about that. I find the term offensive because 9 times out of 10 it's used as an attempt to shame a man into doing something that's not in his best interest. If happybear says that's not how she meant it, that's fine.

 

But I hardly think my offense at the term is the initiation of any kind of "gender war". The term itself is gendered. It's not like I took "person-up" and twisted it into some comment about men.

 

As for passive aggressive, if anything I've been too straightforward here at times and been censured for it. What I'm starting to hear is that my perspective isn't welcome unless it's in agreement with the majority perspective.

 

I would be happy to reconsider whatever it is I've posted that you're taking issue with, but this thread probably isn't the place for that discussion.

[HeartGoesOn]

Mod Note: Please stay on topic.

[missmarple]

Your first mistake was accepting the silent treatment the very first time he did it. He's not a teenager, he's a mature man and he should act like one. Mature people don't sulk like kids. They talk about things and either come to a compromise or break up.

About the issue at hand, even if you had sent him a pic of you having sex with someone else, he still would be wrong to act like this. Being angry and taking a few hours to cool down before talking is fine. Taking 3 days is not.

He is manipulative and immature, in my opinion...and, at just 4 months, too. Considering this is the second time he does it, I would be done with him.

[Hollyj]

It's called manipulation. This guy likes to play head games to keep you in control.

 

Very poor relationship skills!!'n

[Hollyj]

So setting aside for a moment his reason for being angry.......what's a guy supposed to do when he's angry?

 

He's not allowed to give himself some space because that's "abusive". He can't raise his voice because that's "abusive". He can't let off steam by hitting inanimate objects because that's "abusive". Maybe he could go for a jog, but then he's not available by phone or text for 30-40 minutes. God forbid.

 

I mean, what is he supposed to sit down with her and have a lengthy conversation about why he's angry? Maybe once he calms down. What good does it do either person or the relationship to force dialog while emotions are still high?

 

Maybe his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend cheated on him with a "friend" she'd known for 15 years. I mean that's still his issue to deal with, but a little bit of sympathy goes a long freaking way toward understanding and communication.

 

How about having a mature discussion and trying to work thinks out. Either you will go forward, or won't.

This guy's behavior is passive aggressive and unhealthy. I hope you do not deal with people this way!!!!

 

BTW, there was nothing to be angry about.

[Hollyj]

N

In all honesty, I agree with TMifune! Everyone has their own way to let off their anger. I myself have trust issues and im in my 20s.. and i would find that picture offensive also. I would also deal with it in a similar manner as he is right now. I understand that he is older but that doesnt mean that he should come to you and "discuss" about why he's angry. That sounds idiotic. He has probably been through some bs in his past and has major trust issues. What you should do is just assure him that he was just a friend and that you wont let "guy friends" touch your ass the way he was in that picture. Im sure if you do this, everything will be fine. Let me add, if you arent willing to do this and if you want to continue allowing other guys to play around with you whether it be in a friendly manner or not, this guy you're dating might not be the right guy for you. Spare him the stress and trouble and go find yourself someone who is more comfortable with these little things (the pic) that other people take so lightly on this forum.

 

Good grief!

 

She said that she apologized numerous times!

[Hollyj]

I told a girl in class once how something was spelled and she flipped out on me. Guess I'm an easy "non-threatening" target. I backed down and apologized and she kept at it. I clammed up for the rest of the class. That wasn't about punishment. She made it unsafe for me to continue talking by continuing on the attack as I tried to disengage. Why should I try to reengage when she treated me unfairly?

 

Does not wanting to put up with someone else's abusive behavior make me somehow abusive myself?

 

Don't know how that relates to the OP's situation? Not at all similar.

[nutbrownhare]

Years ago, I was in a therapy group discussing a guy I'd met, and had been on a few dates with. One of the therapists wished me luck, but said "At the first sign of jealousy, or sulking - GET OUT! Because it isn't going to work..."

 

One of the interesting aspects of this whole thread is the way that a couple of the respondents regard an open discussion about feeling angry as 'idiotic' or just inconceivable; yet, logically, there's no other way of communicating effectively. Of course, it can be useful and necessary to take 'time out' to calm down when feelings are running high, but being honest about the 'time out' isn't punitive; nor is taking responsibility for the feelings. The OP's partner is remaining cold and withdrawn however - and that's punitive and game-playing. If he can't cope with the situation, and the OP's behaviour crosses his boundaries - and he's perfectly entitled to feel that way - then it would be better for both of them if he just ends the relationship. They haven't been together long and are still finding out about each other.

 

With some people, being open, honest and taking responsibility for one's feelings won't be well received in a relationship; there are people who will exploit vulnerability, people who will punish with silence or turn it back on the one who's trying to make amends, and other unhelpful responses. With this kind of person, having an open discussion probably WOULD be idiotic - but this isn't someone capable of having a healthy relationship.

[charity]

I think its possible that he's still angry and needs time out while he digests this. What you did is totally against his way. Yes you apologized and he heard that and he responded. But he probably needs time to calm down and not say something regrettable while he is still angry. Did you by any chance want to make him see that you are desired, hit on by men etc? I wonder what happened the last time he shut down?

[Itchy]

I can shed some light here.

 

I am someone who can get extremely angry, I get this red mist ascend and I go into full blown screaming mode and I have been told by my best friend that when I become angry I can intimidating. I don't want to come across as aggressive or intimidating when I angry because that causes the other person to react in a negative way and before you know it hurtful things are said and once you have said something hurtful you can never take it back. Words can seriously harm someone and I don't want to be that man or be put in that position, so I avoid conflict, I will remove myself from the situation.

 

Now in your case, I would probably just cease all lines of communication, I wouldn't make a song and dance about the image, I'd immediately cease all lines of communication. I don't do this to hurt someone, or manipulate them or control them or punish them, I do it because in my mind this person is just not worth it, I don't want them in my life and if they don't have enough respect for me, then why should I show them any respect when ending our friendship/relationship, so it's more -for-tat in my case. Maybe this guy is the same way I am.

[JA0371]

It sounds like you are very playful and flirtatious. Those are not bad qualities...I am that way myself, however there are lines that need to be drawn.

 

Have you considered seeing things from his POV? Would you be ok if he sent you pics of him grabbing an old friends boobs or grabbing her butt? It's always different from the other perspective.

 

Not sure why people pick you up all the time, you're not a child. Even in a playful manner..it's just kinda weird.

[TMifune]

One of the interesting aspects of this whole thread is the way that a couple of the respondents regard an open discussion about feeling angry as 'idiotic' or just inconceivable;

 

I'm struggling to see where anyone in this thread made the claim that open discussion about anger was idiotic or inconceivable. Maybe you missed this:

 

I agree absolutely that it can be done. That doesn't mean everyone is equipped to handle things that way nor that any specific person is equipped to handle every situation that way. Imagine it reminded him very very strongly of what a woman who left him for another guy and took his children away from him did. If he doesn't have the tools to manage that in a discussion, then withdrawing allows him to manage it in a way that doesn't unleash it on her.

 

I mean you can't look at the distribution of anger handling techniques and shame someone for being in the mean because you know someone who's in the 99th percentile.

 

Communicating openly about your anger is probably the "best" way to handle it and I haven't seen anyone in this thread claim otherwise. People have claimed that they need time to handle the emotion before such a conversation can occur. You seem to agree that a "time out" is acceptable. So it would appear the only disagreement is about what length of time is "appropriate" to cool down.

 

I really don't understand where you read idiotic or inconceivable. No one in this thread has claimed that and as far as I can see no one in this thread has even said anything from which those would be the logical inference.

[TMifune]

Don't know how that relates to the OP's situation? Not at all similar.

 

It was just an anecdote to demonstrate that I don't think the silent treatment is automatically abusive or manipulative. Were that the case every time we suggest NC we'd be encouraging negative behavior. The rationale behind the behavior is important.

[Hollyj]

It was just an anecdote to demonstrate that I don't think the silent treatment is automatically abusive or manipulative. Were that the case every time we suggest NC we'd be encouraging negative behavior. The rationale behind the behavior is important.

 

NC is when things are done. Not a way to punish the partner, but move on with your life.

[abitabove]

NC is when things are done. Not a way to punish the partner, but move on with your life.

 

I agree NC is instituted when the relationship is over. Well...it's now been a week since the incident and 3 days since he texted me. I have sent probably 7 texts and no response. My last text stated that I had to assume we were finished with dating and I said a nice goodbye. Still no reponse. So now I guess I move on to NC and learn from my mistake.

[Hollyj]

And, block and delete .

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread has run its course...Closed.